Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: First of all the paragraphing appears to have been mostly forgotten and the whole thing is in some really hard to read chunks of text that just don't seem all that great to be reading. And the flow of this is just non-existent with it just being interrupted every other sentence by info dumps. This needs to be a whole lot more subtle if this is going to be a proper novel.
Anyway let's get right to it,
A million emotions ran through Maria's head as she read the letter, What was she going to do now? Van Helsing the third was the great grandson of the first Van Helsing who helped Mena Harker and Jonathon Harker destroy her father and for some reason now had it out for her as well, she didnt even know she was the daughter of Dracula. Victor took her hand and led her to his car,"We dont have much time, we must hurry." She looked at him and asked, "Don't have much time for what?" He stopped walking and looked at her, "We must train you or you'll be killed by him and without you alive the whole clan will die and we will suffer an eternity in hell." "How is that possible?" she asked not understanding him. "We will talk it over in the car." He then turned and opened the car door for her, she then took one last look before entering at what had been her home for all her life. Not knowing what lied ahead she stepped into the car and left it all behind her her for the time, vowing she would not let her people down.
Okay first of all you have forgotten separate paragraphs when someone else starts to talk. And the other thing is this a really, really short little piece to be using as an entire. Usually a chapter has to be much longer than that for it be called one. And besides that it really doesn't seem to flow all that well because it is jam packed with info dumps and that's not a great thing to be having at the start of a story.
As they pulled out she again asked the question from earlier, how did she fit into ending the entire vampire race if she died? The old wise vampire began his story, In 1466 as you know your father was prince, during the 1467 a great war broke out between the turks and your father they he of course won, but in an attempt to get at him in any way possible they sent a letter of your fathers death to his queen at the time and your mother Elizabetia." Maria interupted him, "How can I be the child of her, there was no record of a child conceived by Elizabetia and Dracula?" He began again,"They kept it hidden, and when she thought your father was dead she sent you to live at the compound; not knowing where you were your father renounced god thus becoming the vampire we all know." "How do I fit into it though?" she asked not knowing the truth. "You are the last living vampire with the blood of Dracula coursing through your veins, since your father was father to all vampires if you die we will die, you in a way are our clans sire." Maria then understood, "So if I die, we all die?" She looked out the window. "If you die our whole clan will die, leaving the vampire race vulnerable to Van Helsing and his vampire slayers."
Well this is taking that old wise man approach to the extreme and having all the stuff just narrated out with no thinking around it whatsoever and that's not the greatest idea to be including into a story like that. And the dialogue here just doesn't sound natural. It seems to be scripted and just spoken solely to advance the story and give us more and more exposition about the world that we are in.
And I won't really mention that last paragraph because it is just the same as the previous one. It just doesn't have a proper flow to it and all and its saturated with info dumps and really artificial sounding dialogue like the other two.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I hope I'm not being too harsh here but that's the just the way that I saw it and it was just not as good as it could be. The idea behind is somewhat cliched( I have no idea why there are sooo many vampire stories on YWS in the years 2004-2008) but it sounds like a fairly original take on things and I think you could really make an idea like this shine if you wrote it with more actual story and less sudden info dumps.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254038
Reviews: 4101
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