Here comes Lee to review from the ancient archives of YWS!
Greetings, Shadow.
To begin with, I like the imagery and the rhythm, but I think some clarity is required regarding who the narrator is speaking to. It could be a spurned love, or a fake friend, or a school bully; honestly, this got just a little bit too vague. I mean, I have to admit a bully is a long shot, it's implied that it's someone the narrator is close to, but you still ought to work on that.
Secondly, why have you used commas everywhere? When a sentence ends, just use a fullstop if you can. Repetitive use of commas makes the poem drag out and strains the flow. it also just isn't a smooth read. You can also use semi colons here and there. Let me show you how the punctuation can be changed:
It’s not enough, it's never enough
To wonder at the sun.
I want to feel the heat;
Anything to feel alive.
You’ve drawn the lines so clearly,
This is right, that is wrong
And there’s nothing in between;
But I’m tired of living through your eyes,
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy.
You’d die for these plastic prisons,
But I’d rather live without them.
I’m done with all that now;
Passing all the boundaries,
Breaking all the rules,
You know I like the rush I get
when I defy the labels.
So break me, burn me,
I’ll bleed again but I always heal.
You keep looking down for me,
But I’m no longer there.
Other than that, I have to admire your poem. he ending especially was very well-written; vagueness aside, the sounds used and the choice of words, the alliterations and the beat, all made for an invigorating read. It's also inspiring, and nice to see you mean to stand up for yourself. The last line cut off the poem, making the ending itself very abrupt, but I don't know what can done about that other than adding a couple more lines.
Looking at it as a whole, nice work! It's good to see some confident poetry.
I hope you keep writing, wherever you are! Good luck!
- Lee
Points: 18564
Reviews: 278
Donate