A little iffy about the title still...Any advice/comments would be appreciated.
It’s not enough, never enough
To wonder at the sun,
I want to feel the heat,
Anything to feel alive,
You’ve drawn the lines so clearly,
This is right, that is wrong
And there’s nothing in between,
But I’m tired of living through your eyes,
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy,
You’d die for these plastic prisons,
But I’d rather live without them,
I’m done with all that now,
Passing all the boundaries,
Breaking all the rules,
You know I like the rush I get
When I defy the labels,
So break me, burn me,
I’ll bleed again but I always heal,
You keep looking down for me,
But I’m no longer there.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Here comes Lee to review from the ancient archives of YWS!
Greetings, Shadow.
To begin with, I like the imagery and the rhythm, but I think some clarity is required regarding who the narrator is speaking to. It could be a spurned love, or a fake friend, or a school bully; honestly, this got just a little bit too vague. I mean, I have to admit a bully is a long shot, it's implied that it's someone the narrator is close to, but you still ought to work on that.
Secondly, why have you used commas everywhere? When a sentence ends, just use a fullstop if you can. Repetitive use of commas makes the poem drag out and strains the flow. it also just isn't a smooth read. You can also use semi colons here and there. Let me show you how the punctuation can be changed:
Other than that, I have to admire your poem. he ending especially was very well-written; vagueness aside, the sounds used and the choice of words, the alliterations and the beat, all made for an invigorating read. It's also inspiring, and nice to see you mean to stand up for yourself. The last line cut off the poem, making the ending itself very abrupt, but I don't know what can done about that other than adding a couple more lines.
Looking at it as a whole, nice work! It's good to see some confident poetry.
I hope you keep writing, wherever you are! Good luck!
- Lee
I love this! Excellent writing.. and I agree, the second one makes a little more sense. But the original is amazing!
Thank you very much. Though I actually hate putting poetry into a format, I think it takes away from it.
(And sorry about the spelling mistake, I do that quite often, sadly)
First of all, it's h-y-p-o-c-r-i-s-y. You spelled it wrong in the title. Second, you skip around a lot. It's very confusing to the reader because we think 'woah, didn't I just read this?' It's not fun for us, let me tell you. I'm going to mess with the lines a bit, see how it fits. Remember, this is just a suggestion. Love the words, hate the order. So, what I'll do is put a number next to each line. Then you just stick them in order...or rather, I'll do that myself.
It’s not enough, never enough =1
To wonder at the sun, =2
I want to feel the heat, =3
Anything to feel alive, [. Space. It makes no sense whatsoever if you keep on going here without the new stanza.]=4
You’ve drawn the lines so clearly, =9
This is right, that is wrong =10
And there’s nothing in between, [get rid of comma, put . New stanza.] =11
But I’m tired of living through your eyes, =12
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy, =13 [no comma, new stanza]
You’d die for these plastic prisons, [OOOK...this makes no sense to me, so forgive me if I'm just being stupid] =13
But I’d rather live without them, [again...majorly confusing] =14
I’m done with all that now, [be rid of these commas!] 15
Passing all the boundaries, =5
Breaking all the rules, =6
You know I like the rush I get =7
When I defy the labels, [huh? what? does this mean?] =8
So break me, burn me, [ I absolutely love this whole section.]
I’ll bleed again but I always heal, ['passing all the boundaries' to 'when I defy the labels' should be moved up to after 'anything to feel alive' These two sections are nearly identical in meaning. They should be together.] =16
You keep looking down for me, =17
But I’m no longer there. [ I love these two lines! Great ending]18
Here's what your poem would sound like if you took my suggestions into consideration.
It’s not enough, never enough
To wonder at the sun,
I want to feel the heat,
Anything to feel alive.
Passing all the boundaries,
Breaking all the rules,
You know I like the rush I get
When I defy the labels.
You’ve drawn the lines so clearly,
This is right, that is wrong
And there’s nothing in between,
But I’m tired of living through your eyes,
Hiding behind the pretty shades of hypocrisy,
You’d die for these plastic prisons,
But I’d rather live without them,
I’m done with all that now.
So break me, burn me,
I’ll bleed again but I always heal,
You keep looking down for me,
But I’m no longer there.
I'm sorry... I don't mean to like take over your life or something but I need to harshly critique SOMETHING!!!
I liked this poem. Mostly the ending. However, I think that it would sound much better if you took out some of the "Buts" and "Ands." Try reading it without those--and I'm sure it'll sound a lot better.