Hey! Sky here, dropping a review per your request. I am just trying my best and giving you my suggestions, so you by no means have to listen to me. My corrections are highlighted in red.
"Kelsy…Kelsy!!!!!!You bludger…get down from that dreadful bed of yours!"
Couple things, nice that we already know who the character is though. After the exclamation points, no ellipsis needed, just capitalize the y in you. It's highlighted in red. Also, your's becomes yours.
I pulled the pillow closer to me covering my ears, so at least that way mom's volume's gonna reduce…Ah….Makes no difference!!!!! I pulled my duvet over my head and tried snuggling back to sleep.
Here you should change this since it sounds awkward and isn't exactly grammatically correct. Maybe you could write something more like "...so at least that way my mom's noise gets reduced. It doesn't make a difference."
Why do there have to be mornings, huh?
So, what am I gonna wear today?!A million dollar question!…anyways I somehow managed to get into a pair of black straight jeans which was paired up with a white loose tank too-oo-pp…tooppp…wait just 10 minutes more.I ran downstairs and gulped a crisp bar as I walked out of the door shouting bye mom as I actually kept chewing ...(that's more like buyeahhmuuhh).
Ok, not sure what happened there at the end. The tank top thing, I really have no idea what it is. It just kind of looks like your keyboard got sticky keys... also at the end the parenthesis isn't needed. It also makes no sense. Just look it over and edit it. Why does she wait 10 more minutes? Last thing, put quotations around bye mom or something.
Phew!that's not as easy as it sounds, cause I never want mom to know that I don't really like this school, I know this is the best she can do for me, why did dad have to leave us alone?! ... That way I won't have anyone left to lose.
That's a long sentence. Split it up; you can put a period after "she can do for me" and after "like this school". Also, it's I won't instead of "I'll not"
Looking around I finally realized…I reached!...and the most important..' on time'!
This sentence is just really strange. Maybe instead you could write "Looking around, I realized I had finally reached. More importantly, I was on time."
Overall, it was good. I have a few side complaints:
1. This chapter was really short. I feel like you could have made it longer, or combined it with the previous chapter. Maybe you could combine it with the third as well. It wasn't bad, just a bit short.
2. Watch your spacing and grammar. There were some capitalization issues and I pointed a couple of them out, but not all of them. Also, there were a lot of exclamation points. I felt like the character was yelling at me for half of it. Maybe just take a couple off. Lastly, some of your sentences didn't make much sense. This could be easily fixed if you just look over it, not a big deal.
3. You used a lot of improper English. That isn't good to use in your stories unless you are using dialogue and that is how the character talks. Even when it is in their point of view like this, make sure you use "going to" instead of "gonna", etc.
4. Lastly, I'm not that advanced in this but I am going to say watch your tenses. There were a couple times where you switched from past and then present then back to past. Again, you may want to get a second opinion on that since I am not too educated for that.
That's all I have to say. Keep in mind that these were all suggestions, as well as me trying to improve on my editing skills. This story plot is really good, I liked the first chapter and I like this one too. It's a bit unoriginal though, and I have seen many like it, but that's okay. I hope my review is helpful and let me know if you want anything else reviewed
Points: 2620
Reviews: 81
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