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Young Writers Society



A Combination - Chapter 1

by CocoaCat


I'm a dog-wolf. I have trouble here on the farm, constantly tempted to hunt and eat the sheep my mother herds. My mother, a beautiful border collie named Cherry, fell in love with a wolf. 1+1=2. BANG! You've got a litter of dog-wolves. There are only 3 of us. My brothers Oak and Mud, then me, Sparrow. If you haven't guessed, I got my name because of my petite figure, which makes me very agile and fast like my mother.

My brothers are more musclular like my father. Or so I'm told; we've never seen him before but we've heard about him. His name was Crow. We don't know if he's still alive or not but we don't need him, so it doesn't matter.

My mom has a new mate that she visits on the days when our humans leave for about 2 hours. They bring big books with them and the adult female sometimes wears shoes with sticks that prop up the heels of her feet. I like these days.

My mom's new mate is named Lucky. He's a golden retriever from a farm a half-hour's walk or so from here. Mom gave birth to her first litter of pups that belong to him about two months ago; three females named Skip, Lucy, and Callie and a male named Cam. I call him Camy, he doesn't like it. Lucky is a really nice dog; he accepts Oak, Mud, and I and taught us how to hunt when our mother had to stay at home with the pups.

I feel more wolf than anything else. I've killed a chicken and brought it to my humans to show how much I appreciate them. They didn't like the gift. I've killed a weak lamb that was basically dying anyway. The humans didn't like that either. The only thing I killed that they liked was the fox that found Skip and Callie exploring around the yard unsupervised.

I need to hunt, but I can't here. The only place I can hunt at is the forest past Lucky's farm. I have a friend there; a coyote named Twig. She really is a twig of an animal. She fits into small spaces, so she could hide almost anywhere. I've learnt a lot about wolves from her.

She has offered to take me to a wolf pack living nearby to steal a peak at pack life. I never go. I'm afraid something bad will happen. But one day, I WILL go; I'll catch a glimpse of pack life and maybe even stay. I'd fit in better there than I do here.

"Sparrow!" Camy; come to beg me to train him to hunt or fight or something else our mother wouldn't aprove of.

"Hey, Camy." He looked too excited to make a fuss over what I called him.

"What are we doing today? Hunting? Fishing? Fighting?"

"Cam!" shoot, Lucy was going to rat us out to mom. "You heard what mom told you yesterday; Don't ask Sparrow to train you. You're a DOG, not a dumb old wolf." That's it!

I lean down to Cam so I can whisper something into his ear. "Attack." He didn't need to be told twice. He got into a crouch and leaped out at her. In training, Cam held nothing back and wasn't afraid to use his claws. He was the same way now. She gave scared little yelps which I did nothing to stop. She'd had this coming for a while now. Oh, the satisfaction.

I saw a brown and white figure out of the corner of my eye. Our mom, Cherry.

"All right Cam, off your sister." He got off as instructed and Lucy ran towards our mom. She had a slice on the edge of her left ear.

"CAM!" Cherry was NOT happy. Now came the part where I ran away. I frantically glanced around the farm yard, looking for an escape.

"What's that Callie?" I pretended she had called me. "Skip is stuck in a bush? Oh, I better go check on them." I dashed over to the back of the humans' dwelling. I should actually go find them; I hadn't seen them all morning. "Skip? Callie?" I started wandering towards the barn.

"Watch out!" Was that Skip? "The floor is lava!"

Lava? I headed in the direction of the barn in time to see Callie jump from the stack of hay bales onto the slender window sill. She was hanging on by only her front paws; claws dug into the wood. She pulled her petite body onto the sill, "See, Skip, I told you I could do it. I'm really good at these things, like Sparrow."

Skip glanced down at my paws and exclaimed "The floor is lava in 5 seconds." I ran over to the hay bale stack they were perched on and made it with only a second left.

A little while later, we were laying under the dark and cloudy sky trying to cool off. Thunder cracked in the distance.

"Come on you guys, maybe the humans will let us inside; as long as we aren't wet." We dashed over to the patio where we would be protected from the rain and right outside the humans' door. They might let us inside again if the storm is really bad. Cherry was already there, curled around Cam and Lucy who were asleep. Oak and Mud were waiting anxiously in the dirt for the rain to come, they loved the mud. We had just gotten on the patio when rain suddenly came down as if there were a bucket in the sky.

Callie went to the door and scratched at it until the door opened and we were let in. There was a room near the door with a lot of seating and a fireplace.

There's also a light box that flashes pictures. The humans once invited friends over and they all had some sort of hats and big shirts that were all the same. There were humans on the light box that ran back and forth with a ball of some sort. Another human ocasionally shouted and screamed from the light box and our humans and their friends did the same. Today, there was no screaming and only our humans were here. The fireplace was bright and warm and we had a great view of the sky. My brothers were having a blast and I realized I wanted to be out there with them. I went up to the window and watched my wolf-dog brothers. They spotted me and came up to the window, jumping and barking and flinging mud at the window. I ran over to the door and frantically scratched at it as Callie had and the young male human scratched me behind the ear before opening the door. He gave the best scratches and belly rubs.

"Sparrow!" Oak. Mud. I felt so close to those two, we had such a strong bond that we were never seperated as pups. The love I felt to those two was indescribable. I loved them with every part of my being and if anything happened to them, I would be crushed. I sprinted to the mud and jumped in, sliding across the slimy surface. Oak and Mud were already completely covered and now they flung mud at me until we couldn't tell who was who. I rolled around until I was filthy like my brothers. We chased each other and fell into a heap; a lovely muddy heap of dog-wolves.


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Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:15 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review.

One thing I noticed here was your tendency to spread out long sections of information. The best way, in my opinion, to tell a story is to prioritize the plot, and along the way when it is necessary you can provide more info about the characters and the setting, as well as backstory. Here's an example of what I mean.

My mom has a new mate that she visits on the days when our humans leave for about 2 hours. They bring big books with them and the adult female sometimes wears shoes with sticks that prop up the heels of her feet. I like these days.

My mom's new mate is named Lucky. He's a golden retriever from a farm a half-hour's walk or so from here. Mom gave birth to her first litter of pups that belong to him about two months ago; three females named Skip, Lucy, and Callie and a male named Cam. I call him Camy, he doesn't like it. Lucky is a really nice dog; he accepts Oak, Mud, and I and taught us how to hunt when our mother had to stay at home with the pups.


Here's how I would write it:

My mom has a new mate, a golden retriever named Lucky. She visits him on the days when our humans leave for about 2 hours. Two months ago, Mom gave birth to her first litter of pups that belong to him: three females, Skip, Lucy, and Callie, and a male named Cam. I really like Lucky; he accepts Oak, Mud, and I and taught us how to hunt when our mother had to stay at home with the pups.

This way gives only the necessary information and combines the sentences to make it more compact. It also provides a nice segue into an opportunity to discuss a scene where they're hunting. It's also better to show instead of tell, for example, you could show a scene where Sparrow shows affection for Lucky instead of just saying that Lucky is nice or that Sparrow likes Lucky.

I also felt that this story had a lack of movement and action. It seemed more like Sparrow reflecting on his memories, and didn't really feel like there was anything going on right now. You discussed them playing some games, but there was no deeper meaning. To be perfectly honest, it seemed almost trivial without a deeper plot driving or motivating them. It's important to set up some idea of what's going to happen later in the story through the plot. Maybe if you backtracked a little and described when the puppies were born, and showed Sparrow's excitement and nervousness, that could help a little. There are a lot of ways that this story could go, and overall, it's a cute idea and I look forward to reading more!

Best wishes,
MJ




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Wed Jul 05, 2017 9:13 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there, here on behalf of Team Tortoise for my one review a day :)

I'll do nit-picks first then divide my overall critique into a few categories.

Nit-picks:

leave for about 2 hours

numbers are usually written out as words

steal a peak at pack life

"peek"

You're a DOG, not a dumb old wolf." That's it!

I feel like "That's it!" might have been meant to be included in the speech but I'm not sure.

All right Cam


Overall:

Character: I like Sparrow. They seem to be fairly happy with life, but have a longing. This gives the story a relaxed feel, but puts something in there that could be ramped up later on.

You're in danger of introducing too many characters at once. Certainly, the only one other than Sparrow I feel like I could tell you a personality trait of is Cam. But it is a first chapter and it gets the idea of a big family across well, so I think you're okay there.

Setting: The first half of this is kind of slow to read because you basically tell me the character's backstory as just a list of facts about them. I would much prefer if these details were dropped throughout the chapter, even throughout the first couple of chapters.

A slight issue is the way that Sparrow doesn't know what a TV is, but they do have a concept of what lava is. I think be more careful with what knowledge they have managed to pick up, which could be a fair bit, given the intelligence you've given them.

Plot: I really like the concept of this. Sometimes people try to write as they imagine dogs would think, but just going straight for the suspension of disbelief so that you can experience a dog-wolf's problems complexly is pretty cool.

I think you were right not to end on a cliffhanger about wanting to meet the pack, which is something I was considering suggesting, but the relaxed feel was something I enjoyed most about this, so I think you made the right choice. I'm still hooked enough by that earlier hint that I would appreciate being told when the next chapter is up.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle