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Stray part 3 / A fictional tale from the perspective of a street dog

by Laurenlovely


When I wake up I see trees. Lots of trees. “Where am I?” I mutter. I stand up and notice that this is not the tree that I slept next to yesterday. What if the pack brought me here, yeah, the pack probably did it. They were mad at me yesterday, so this my punishment. I start walking slowly, and a second later I walk into a spider web. “Ack!” I yelp, trying to brush it off me.

“How am I going to get out of this place?” I murmur, walking slowly. Whoever put me here must have known I hate spiders, because now I just see a bunch of webs hanging around everywhere. And on top of that, it’s freezing! I start to bark to see if anyone else was in here to save me, but I don’t hear a sound except a rustle in a bush a few feet ahead of me. On attack mode now I go up to the bush and start waiting for something to happen, something to come out of those bushes and surrender to me and lead me out of the forest. But nothing's there, just a gentle cold breeze and me, all alone. I sit down against a tree and -trying to hide my fear of being in this creepy place- start to doze off.

When I wake up I’m, in the same place I was before. Of course, It’s even colder than it was before as well. I squish myself into a ball to keep warm. The movement of the trees scare me; I feel like something will come up any minute, and I hate it. I look in every direction and see shadows and spiders crawling everywhere, looking like they are ready to attack. I close my eyes and try to convince myself that nothing is there, just me and the trees. Nothing more.

I’m tired of sitting in this forest. I keep hallucinating, and nothing's gonna change that until I get out! I stand up in a split second: if I don’t convince myself to go now, I never will! I start running past all the trees, and it feels like the wind is pushing me forward. Before my eyes, there is a giant hole through a mound in the dirt. I run over to it, hiding from the breeze. Being curious like most dogs, I start sniffing it, and something smells, something good. I keep pushing my head farther and farther through the hole but can't seem to get what I smell. I convince myself that there is probably nothing in there, and if there is, I probably won’t be able to get it no matter how hungry I am. I pull my head backwards, but it doesn’t seem to budge. “Why can’t I get it out?!” I say through gritted teeth. After a few more minutes of doing this, I finally come to the conclusion that I have gotten my head stuck. “What is this?” I growl. My ears catch the sound of something walking around. Is it coming through the hole? No, it can’t be I’m probably just hallucinating again. But the sound just kept coming closer and closer, and suddenly I was shaking. What’s wrong with you, you’re supposed to be the scary one, not whatever's scaring you! Still shaking with fear, I try to imagine something else, and I close my eyes and start to think about the days as a pup. I’m not sure why, but it’s the only thing I can think about to stop shaking. Maybe it’s just thinking about my mum, that makes me feel like I’m safe again. 

When I was a pup mum dug me a hole by a tree and told me to stay put until she came back with food. I fell asleep but when I woke up she was barking at me and saying “I have to go hunny, but I love you!” She was acting frantically. I didn’t understand what was going on, so I said, “I love you too, mum.” And then she ran off in the opposite direction. I heard her barking in the distance that afternoon, and I curled into a ball and closed my eyes to escape from reality, and pretended nothing wrong was happening. When I woke up she hadn’t returned. I just reminded myself that she loved me, and wasn’t scared of being alone. It made me tougher. I wasn't scared than, I was the one scaring everyone else, stealing food, and growling at other dogs. So why am I scared now? I’m a big dog, the one they call Tiny, the dog that always scares others. And yet, the dog that’s stuck in a hole. 


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275 Reviews


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Mon Oct 09, 2017 1:01 am
rosette wrote a review...



Hi Laurenlovely!

Yes, I'm back for more. :) I saw this sitting in the Green Room, and couldn't resist dropping in for a review.

I think I mentioned plenty of times before, but Tiny is still super adorable! <3 Honestly, he sounds so cute, and while he's not a puppy, he certainly acts/thinks like one! (Or at least, how I think a puppy might think :p). All innocent and afraid and stuff. You're doing a fantastic job at keeping up with the consistency of his voice. It was also great to see some of his history, though it is sad. I wonder what happened to his mother, and why she never returned...

I had a small nagging thought when I first started reading this Stray series, and it's only grown as I continue reading. Like, I said, you seem to be doing good with consistency - except on one thing.

So why am I scared now? I’m a big dog, the one they call Tiny, the dog that always scares others.

In the very beginning, you mention Tiny is a big dog who can easily scare others, but I haven't seen that even once. It's like you kind of want us to have this idea that Tiny is fearless, but the problem is, he doesn't act like it! He's scared of spiders, the dark, the forest, and now he's scared with his head stuck in a hole. It'd be okay if you established Tiny as a big dog who happens to be afraid of many things (which might trace back to the unexpected disappearance of his mother, some may say...) and so all his experiences in this series would make sense. He's a fearful dog, getting caught in some of his fears. But that's not how it came about, you see. You said he was scary and tough, but don't give us any evidence of that.

That was my main critique :P but I did have a couple other things I wanted to point out:
When I wake up I see trees. Lots of trees. “Where am I?” I mutter. I stand up and notice that this is not the tree that I slept next to yesterday. What if the pack brought me here, yeah, the pack probably did it. They were mad at me yesterday, so this my punishment.

I'm having a hard time figuring out how a pack of dogs can drag another dog somewhere else, yet the other dog never realized it until he woke up...? Is he a really heavy sleeper, or something?? Because that was just a little hard to believe.

I sit down against a tree and -trying to hide my fear of being in this creepy place- start to doze off.

OH MY WORD! xD That is the funniest and cutest thing ever. I couldn't help laughing. He's such a dog! <3

No matter how many times you mention Tiny is a big dog, I can't seem to get it in my head! >.< I think it might be because his name is Tiny, haha; but also because he's afraid half the time. He simply sounds like a gullible little pup, who needs a hug.

You're doing a good job with this story, and I hope you keep it up! :D

cheerios!
~rosette




Laurenlovely says...


Thank you Rosette, I'm so happy you reviewed me!! Yah. He's a pretty scared doggy. I need to start making thing more believable, ay. Don't worry I'll work on it!
-Laurenlovely



rosette says...


Okay. No pressure! :P



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Wed Oct 04, 2017 3:01 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, LaurenLovely! It's Kara here with a (hopefully) quick review! Since you asked me to, of course :D

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

I'm going to review it like I do poems, since I seem to be doing that a lot today, haha.

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
When I wake up I see trees. Lots of trees. {Add a paragraph with new dialogue}

“Where am I?” I mutter. I stand up and notice that this is not the tree that I slept next to yesterday. 'Maybe this is just a prank, yeah, the pack probably did it. {How would a dog know what a prank is?} They were mad at me yesterday, so this my punishment{.} Italicize the stray's thoughts instead of using apostrophes I start walking slowly, and a second later I walk into a spider web{.} “Ack!” I yelp, trying to brush it off me.

“How am I going to get out of this place?” I murmur, walking slowly...{ W}hoever put me here must have known I hated spiders, because now I just see a bunch of webs hanging around everywhere. And on top of that, it’s freezing! {Add a paragraph to separate ideas}

I start to bark to see if anyone else was in here to save me, but I don’t hear a sound except a rustle in a bush a few feet ahead of me. On attack mode now I go up to the bush and start waiting for something to happen, something to come out of those bushes and surrender to me, and lead me out of the forest. But nothing's there, just a gentle cold breeze and me, all alone. I sit down against a tree and, {-} trying to hide my fear of being in this creepy place, {-} start to doze off. I hope that when I wake up I won’t be here anymore.

When I wake up I’m, of course, in the same place I was before. {Add "of course" here to make it make sense grammatically} It’s even colder than it was before as well. I squish myself into a ball to keep warm. The movement of the trees scare me{;} I feel like something will come up any minute, and I hate it. I look in every direction and see shadows and spiders crawling everywhere, looking like they are ready to attack. I close my eyes and try to convince myself that nothing is there, just me and the trees. Nothing more. A few hours later…

I’m tired of sitting in this forest,{.} I keep hallucinating, and nothing's gonna change that until I get out! I stand up in a split second{:} if I don’t convince myself to go now, I never will! I start running {past} all the trees, and it feels like the wind is pushing me forward. Before my eyes, there is a giant hole through a mound in the dirt. I run over to it, hiding from the breeze. Being curious like most dogs, I start sniffing it, and something smells, something good. I keep pushing my head farther and farther through the hole but can't seem to get what I smell. I convince myself that there is probably nothing in there, and if there is, I probably won’t be able to get it no matter how hungry I am. I pull my head backwards, but it doesn’t seem to budge. {Add a paragraph here because dialogue}

“Why can’t I get it out?!” I say through gritted teeth. After a few more minutes of doing this, I finally come to the conclusion that I have gotten my head stuck. {Wow... this dog really is kind of stupid. You just realized you got your head stuck? XD} “What is this?” I growl. My ears catch the sound of something walking around. 'Is it coming through the hole? No, it can’t be{.} I’m probably just hallucinating again. {<--- make those italicized because they're thoughts} But the sound just kept coming closer and closer, and suddenly I was shaking. “What’s wrong with you, you’re supposed to be the scary one, not whatever's scaring you![s]” {Again, italicize those thoughts} {S}till shaking with fear, I try to imagine something else, and I close my eyes and start to think about the days as a pup. I’m not sure why, but it’s the only thing I can think about to stop shaking. Maybe it’s just thinking about my mum, that makes me feel like I’m safe again.

When I was a pup mum dug me a hole by a tree and told me to stay put until she {came} back with food. I fell asleep but when I woke up she was barking at me and saying “I have to go hunny, but I love you!” She was acting frantically. I didn’t understand what was going on, so I said, “I love you too, mum.” And then she ran off in the opposite direction. I heard her barking in the distance that afternoon, and I curled into a ball and closed my eyes to escape from reality, and pretended nothing wrong was happening. When I woke up she hadn’t returned. I just reminded myself that she loved me, and wasn’t scared of being alone. It made me tougher. I wasn't scared than, I was the one scaring everyone else, stealing food, and growling at other dogs. So why am I scared now? I’m a big dog, the one they call Tiny, the dog that always scares others. And yet, the dog that’s stuck in a hole.


Overall:



This is pretty good. Not Stephen King good, or Christopher Paolini good, but pretty good. The ending is most definitely not the best - make it more conclusive - and I was a little bit confused, since I haven't read the other parts, but otherwise pretty good.

Give me your soul --

Kara

Image




Laurenlovely says...


Ack! Thanks for helping me on this Kara...Yah I needed help. *^* I SHALL DO SOME EDITING NOW!! Oi I am so ashamed of myself for not doing better ): I SHALL WORK HARDER! I really need to make an (almost 2018) goal list. Humbucket. Anyways thanks for reviewing it ((: I will work on it -Laurenlovely<3 (who doesn't feel that lovely at the moment) :D



Laurenlovely says...


Also, the ending was made the way it was because it shows why Tiny always digs a hole by a tree and sleeps in it, it's kinda a backstory of the weird things he does. It reminds him of his mom. Also since he was born alone he became tougher than most dogs who grew up with a mom taking care of them for a while, while he had to find his own food. (there were many puppies running around in Thailand.) ): anyways since you haven't read my other stories (you can go check them out you know~) It is probably confusing. But I will still try to edit it! :)



Laurenlovely says...


Also, the ending was made the way it was because it shows why Tiny always digs a hole by a tree and sleeps in it, it's kinda a backstory of the weird things he does. It reminds him of his mom. Also since he was born alone he became tougher than most dogs who grew up with a mom taking care of them for a while, while he had to find his own food. (there were many puppies running around in Thailand.) ): anyways since you haven't read my other stories (you can go check them out you know~) It is probably confusing. But I will still try to edit it! :)



Laurenlovely says...


Also, the ending was made the way it was because it shows why Tiny always digs a hole by a tree and sleeps in it, it's kinda a backstory of the weird things he does. It reminds him of his mom. Also since he was born alone he became tougher than most dogs who grew up with a mom taking care of them for a while, while he had to find his own food. (there were many puppies running around in Thailand.) ): anyways since you haven't read my other stories (you can go check them out you know~) It is probably confusing. But I will still try to edit it! :)



Laurenlovely says...


woah, does anyone else see three messages from me saying the same thing? That's weird.



zaminami says...


I do lol



wordwing says...


I wanna make a little joke.Are you British?



zaminami says...


No but I like British things, such as bubble tea, Doctor Who, Sherlock, the accent, Eddsworld...

So I'll probably get it



Laurenlovely says...


I like bubble tea too *^*




I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor