Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Romantic


A Chance For Hearts (Thoroughly Revised)

by Lakija X


(I hope that I edited, went through, and fixed the story accordingly. n.n)

My high school was all the excitement I had back then: Woodbrooke. A quiet little learning facility in a quaint little town of the same name. Population: who really cares?

Me? I was just a cute, dark girl back then, with very long hair, one who was known throughout the school as the Most-Likely-To-Succeed girl. You know the type. The one who was correcting people's English and being excused from gym class because of "business"? Yeah, that was me.

I was just 17 when I witnessed a classic high school love story that I shall carry with me to my grave...

I remember the day before it all started like a dream. It had been a Friday when I decided to propose a sleepover with my friends. There were quite a few of them, girls and boys alike. My boyfriend, Courtney, would host it at his very large house. Courtney, having a name that several girls also owned, was very popular in school, seeing as how he had his finger in absolutely every extracurricular activity possible.

This was why I was sitting in his entertainment room, playing games that most girls fall asleep on. We were playing football on the PS2. Madden '05 to be precise. We never could quite commit to the Xbox, although it was popular with many others. We remained loyal to Sony no matter what.

"Aw! this game really sucks!" Tonou Moriitsu grunted. We call him Tony. His face always had a playful grin on it. He had styled silky black hair then, and Asian eyes that were surprisingly blue. He and I were the first ones to arrive although everyone else came soon after us.

"At least I don't suck. I'm winning," I replied. "You're just mad because you don't know a first down line from a line of scrimmage," I added.

"Hey, calm down, and show me you can make a touchdown," Tony suggested.

"I don't get it... what's a touchdown?" my friend Sandra Mitchell asked, gazing at a magazine featuring an article on Orlando Bloom. She's not so sports-informed, even today. She had the quiet luxury of lazing on the couch reading about stars, because she happens to be Courtney's sister.

"It's when you get to the other side of the field. you know? The one with the pretty picture on it?" Tony pointed out, staring at the screen.

"Alright Tony? Watch it!" Sandra warned. She flashed her black eyes at him, which were glaring under thick brown, styled mind you, bangs. However, there was a smile on her smooth, ivory face.

I heard the door open and close above my head, for the room I was in was in the basement.

"Pause the game and no cheating," I told Tony. He grumbled, looking up at me.

"Who's that? At the door?" he asked me, still a little angry for having to stop the game.

"Probably Kai. He enjoys arriving late..." I moaned.

Sure enough, Kai Lasalle, another friend, miraculously, appeared at the top of the stairs. At least, his feet appeared first. On them were very nice, very new gym shoes that I would have liked to sell... Sandra, obviously smelling fashion walking her way, looked up too.

"Nice kicks Kai!" she exclaimed. " Sandra shifted herself, so she could better see Kai.

He walked down the stairs peering about. He looked embarrassed as we all stared at him.

"Thanks Sandy... sorry I'm late!" he said. I noted the nickname he'd just created. I wondered if it would stick.

Sandra smiled at her new nickname.

Kai took a seat next to me.

He started to look at the screen.

"You guys know that I could kill you in Madden," Kai boasted.

'Not on your life," I replied. "But you're more than welcome at beating Tony!"

"Hey!" Tony exclaimed."I can play this game just as good as you two... I just happen to be better suited for fighting games... which I will beat you both in later," Tony warned.

I noticed Sandra peering over her magazine a few times, looking at Kai. She'd only known him for a few weeks, seeing as how she'd just come to Woodbrooke High (Sandra used to go to a private school, while Courtney went to a public one. Different strokes I guess).

I didn't really blame Sandra for looking at Kai in such a way. After all, he was quite attractive. He had white-blond hair, which is still shoulder length these days. Since then, he has dyed it several shades of brown.

His eyes are the color of the sea. His face is always clever and with a grin. He has pretty teeth. It is very overwhelming to sit next to something like that. And obviously, it was a little distracting for Sandra to sit there.

"So Jan? Who are you going to the prom with?" Kai asked. Good old prom. I used to fantasize about it when I was little. My dreams were materializing.

"I'm going with Courtney. We're going out, remember?" I said, a little shakily. Why did he ask? Did he want to go with me? I became a little flustered. Kai knew that Courtney and I were a couple. After all, Kai was my very best friends, and still strong as ever.

"Speaking of prom... my mom was nice enough to rent us all a nice car to go in, and she and your mom are planning on hosting a party for the graduates..." I told Kai, getting off the subject of "dates".

Kai gave me a hug, almost causing me to miss an interception.

"Aw CRAP!" Tony yelled. I made my wide-receiver run the full length of the field making a touchdown.

"Coast to coast baby!!! Thanks Kai. You helped me to get a touchdown," I said.

Kai grinned, still embracing me. However... I began to get a little uncomfortable. I'm pretty outgoing, so I decided to break the ice by grabbing a pillow and smacking Kai on the head.

Soon, the basement was engulfed in a steel-cage pillow match. Funny how some things grow into bigger things. Even "Sandy" decided to join in. Luckily, her mom buys cotton pillows, not feather ones. Smart huh?

What seemed like ten minutes later ( as you can imagine, it's quite hard to gaze at your watch while you're being hit with pillows), I heard the jangling of car keys somewhere above me. Since I was being smothered underneath Sandra, Kai, and five pillows, I was the only one who couldn't look to see who was there.

"Hey you guys? I left for ten minutes and this is what I find? I'm thoroughly ashamed of you youngsters!" boomed a voice. I strained to hear better from below the carnage.

"Hey Courtney!" everyone said in unison. But me of course.

"What's happening up there! Get off!" I exclaimed.

"Jan? Oh! Sorry, we're getting off."

I felt the pillows from on top of me being lifted. Thank goodness.

"Well, I brought something for us to do... that's less violent," Courtney said, laughing in his soft voice. Courtney sat on the stairs, swirling his keys in his hand. His bright chocolate eyes shone from underneath his side-swept bang. His deep brown skin was spotless, except for a scar on his cheek from a while ago.

"Did you get the movie?" I asked. Sandra stood up, stretching her arms. Kai went next, helping me up too. I was about to walk to the DVD player, but I found that my hair was stuck in one of Kai's many earrings, three on one ear. As I mentioned, I happened to have had long hair back then, so I hadn't even noticed... till I was yanked backward that is. While we untangled my hair, Courtney walked over to the DVD player himself.

"Yeah. A copy of the Amytiville Horror, and my copy of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre... Wanna watch?" he asked.

"Sure... I guess. But why do you always have to pick those gory movies?" Sandra asked, rolling her eyes.

Courtney frowned. "Because you would have picked some romance about middle-aged people or something," he replied, looking at her. Siblings...

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`

And that was one of the only scenes that made sense in the weeks that followed. Really, it was the last ordinary day we had as friends. Because a group with three boys and two girls is bound to have some sorts of problems.

The next time we saw each other, jealousy and angered flared up while Courtney and I stood motionless... outside of this barrier that stood between us and them. And a fierce battle was emerging on their side... and it couldn't and wouldn't be stopped... till it was too late...

(Hope you like this chapter better than the first. The first was terrible. I wouldn't be too surprised if this one was too. I'll get it one day! n.n)

-Lakija X


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
303 Reviews


Points: 20225
Reviews: 303

Donate
Tue Sep 03, 2019 5:01 pm
View Likes
fraey wrote a review...



Hey there! Last year for Review Month I decided to review a bunch of super old works in the database so that all works can receive two (or true) reviews. Since it's RevMo once more and September has started again, I figured why not continue this journey into the flip side of YWS. As such, I do sincerely want to help and improve on this piece despite it being fourteen years old.

First off, I had been a little confused as to who all of these people were in comparison to each other. I've never seen Courtney be used as a guy's name, but I guess we all learn new things every day. I at first had thought that this was going to be about a lesbian couple, but it was cleared up by the first few lines of this story which is good.

One thing I would recommend to stay away from is any inclusion of the present tense in this story unless this is directly labeled as a flashback and the rest of the story is then in present tense compared to this part in the past. Basically, any kind of narration with the main character going "oh, yeah, I remember this, but he's different now" really throws a wrench into flowing along with this story and picturing where all of the characters are at in this instance.

It can get frustrating as a reader who's trying to follow along to then deal with random insertions of facts that pertain to the modern-day. As a matter of fact, I would recommend going back and either editing out all of the little notes and rewriting the beginning as more to simply the start of a novel instead of someone narrating their past, or to at least delete the long names included of the friends as we're supposed to be reading this from her view.

Per an example, introducing her friend Sandra shouldn't require her last name as well unless this is a complicated version of past/present which I typically don't like, even in typical high school stories. I also think adding more description of simply mannerisms instead of just appearances could really help make these characters unique and add more to the picture of who Jan, the narrator, is like. Past that, the last few lines past the scene break also confuse me more since it's just a weird version of past/present once more.

Overall, this seems like an okay start to a high school story, but it seems pretty cliche right now, not to mention the fact that Kai sounds like a jerk and shouldn't interfere with relationships. But that's for later.

See ya.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 42

Donate
Wed Jun 01, 2005 2:10 am
Hope says...



I like it, good work. You really need to describe some more about Kai, well actually you should describe about everything. It's improved alot. I can't wait to read more.





“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author