Magic unmarked
The unfortunate importance of beauty
Hurts her
Yet he whispers such mellow things to her
Kisses her lips tenderly
'You are beautiful'
Universe hidden
Under the relentless fabric she throws on
Everyday
But he removes the fraudulent beauty
That society and her mind has created
Unzips, unclips
Undresses, unclothes, uncoveres
Beauty
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
interesting :/
Hello, Lajnsuik!
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Perhaps try to find a different way to say this?I liked this a lot. I can really feel the emotion you put into it when you wrote it.
Your word choice is really nice. I like the second line a lot-- it doesn't say whether or not she is beautiful, just that, unfortunately, her beauty is important to her. Being beautiful is important to her, and not always in a good way.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to suggest that you change.
I like this line, but you use the wrong form of "fraud" here. Use "fraudulent" to mean the same thing, but make it grammatically correct.
Make sure you're putting spaces in the correct places here. Also, you capitalized all of these words when you should only capitalize the first letter of the line. At least in this format. I don't usually comment on capitalization, but the capitalization isn't really having an effect for me here, so I suggest capitalizing the same way here as you have chosen to do throughout the rest of the poem.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing! I can't wait to see more of your poetry!
Hey ,thanks you so so much for the review!
I am glad you have enjoyed reading my piece and I have looked into the points you have made,definitely will consider them into my future writing too!
Thank you so so much again and I hope you have a really nice day!
Hi Lajnsuik~
First of all, welcome to YWS! I really liked this. This work really portrayed the tendency of people in today's society to mask their natural qualities in order to fit within the social boundaries conformity is prone to creating.
This is something of a run-on sentence. At first I thought that you hade made a poetic choice to disregard punctuation, but then at the end you used commas to separate "unzips" and "unclips", etc.. This is a little inconsistent, and tends to look sloppy or unedited. Personally, I would choose punctuation over a lack thereof, and I think punctuating this work particularly would make it flow better in the eyes of your reader.
The first line of this section appear strange to me. It seems like a sentence fragment that you just kinda threw in there without any context whatsoever. The fabric of what? A universe of what? I mean, I know what you're trying to say; that there is a better world beneath the fabric of society's mask. But it's not made apparent, and the sentence structure is more confusing than the meaning of it is enigmatic. Give us some context clues. For instance:
And then this part. I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this part. To me, it stands out the most in your poem. But it also has a lot of errors.
Your comma usage is a little crazy there. There's an extra space between "Unzips" and the comma after it, and then you don't put a space after each comma. I would suggest fixing this; errors like these take away from the powerfulness and the depth of your poem. Maybe it's a personal desire, because I like your poem so much? I don't know. Just bear with me though; I can be nitpicky
You also capitalize each word that starts with U...I don't know if this was a formatting choice you made, or a typo. I actually like it, so if you didn't want to change it, then I'd leave it.
The big issue here is your change of tenses. At first the narrator is speaking in present tense (pretty much throughout the entire poem), and then suddenly you make a switch to the past tense with "Undressed" and "Unclothed, etc.. I would strongly recommend changing this to:
Other than the things I mentioned, I think that this was a wonderful poem, with a message that a lot of people should hear; that acceptance of natural beauty is necessary for love. Great work!
Yours,
Savvy
Hey thanks a lot for the very detailed review! And taking your time to review my work. I am glad you enjoyed this piece and I appreciate the thought you have put into my work. Just would like to say the lines 'Universe hidden under the relentless fabric
He removes the fraud beauty ' were more so supposed to represent how he removes her clothes to discover the universe and beauty that was hidden under the unneeded fabric and how by removing them he removed the fake standards that she has set herself ...do you know what I mean? Anyway thank you so much again for the review and will look into the pints you have made!
Have a nice day!
You're so welcome! And I actually did understand the meaning of what you were trying to say; it just didn't flow as nicely the way that it was kinda thrown in there. Again nice poem! And you have a nice day as well!
I will look into that! Thank you
Hey.
Just write more, I really want to read more of your compositions.
I liked this composition a lot. Honestly, it's the truth of the present world and scenario. The understanding here is so not prevalent these days, something that has to be there.
No glitches. It was pretty good. Just lengthen this a bit, like add something more, it's not because I didn't like it, it's because I want to read more of it.
Cool stuff.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
Thanks a lot for a review!
It means a lot to me to know this!
I will carry on with such work for quite a bit as I have a lot of ideas so now worries you will definitely see similar work very soon and I will make those pieces similar too!
Again glad to know this! Just a quick question would you like it to be more romance or more so based on problems we face today? Or just both?
Hope you have a nice day.
I'd like different versions of both
they're two topics that really really intrigue me, relatable, so yeah. And yes, I'm waiting for more of your work. Keep going xx
Sure! I am glad, makes me happy to know that. Thank you