z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Main Character Syndrome of Aynnhailleah Angel Astrid: Episode 1.1

by Lael


As soon as she tripped and fell right in front of the geography classroom into the arms of someone who smelled like pine and a wisp of smoke, Aynnhailleah Angel Astrid knew she was in trouble.

Things had already been abnormally out of sorts. The night before, she had flown back in from winning an international dance competition too late to come back onto campus, so she had been forced to spend a night in Valley City, Peaks Kingdom, located right below Central Mountain. Then, she had somehow overslept for the first time in her life, and she had to sprint to campus to get to class on time. But what took the cake was that once she was already more than halfway up the mountain path to Kennard Academy, she had the sickening realization that she had forgotten her uniform blazer, which she had so carefully packed for her return, in her suitcase in the Vermillion Hotel’s presidential suite. She just knew that sometime that day, Mrs. Grant, the perpetually scowling algebra teacher who just seemed to hate Angel since the first day of freshman year, would send her to detention for ‘breaking the dress code.’

This just wasn’t her day, it seemed. Angel steadied herself and, stepping back, lifted her head to see who it was that she had run into.

She clamped her mouth shut before she could blurt the word, “Whoa,” and she swallowed hard. How had she never seen him around school before?

He had to be taller than six feet with how he towered over her, and he looked like he had stepped off the cover of The Mode, the top international fashion magazine. Though he had a thin scar slashed through his left eyebrow, rather than detracting from his face, it made him look even more handsome. His hair evoked memories of soft, freshly fallen snow, and long, thick lashes of the same shade framed his blue eyes. They were like a bottomless ocean in the way that they seemed to pierce right through her. His gaze met hers, and she felt as though she were transfixed within the beam of his vision. She blinked and quickly lowered her head, feeling heat rush into her cheeks.

“Sorry about that,” she said softly, and she hurriedly stepped through the doorway just as the first period bell rang. Before she could hear if he had replied, she scurried toward her seat in the second-to-last row before she could be scolded by Mrs. Smith for barely making it on time to class. Her high heels clacked painfully loudly on the floor tiles with each step she took. At least she had made it on time—even with all the crazy things that happened to her on her way to school, she had her honor student reputation to keep up.

“Wow, he looks like a model. Have you ever seen him before on TV or social media?” one of her classmates whispered to another as she passed by.

“No, he must be new. But he looks so unreal. He’s seriously on the same level of beauty as Angel. Obviously, they don’t have the same kind of beauty, but he’s just as stunning.”

Angel narrowed her eyes.

“Transferring during senior year, huh. And not on the first day, but in the middle of the second week. I wonder why,” said the first classmate, then fell silent.

As soon as she sat down at her desk, Angel turned to glance at the front of the room. The boy had walked in behind her and approached Mrs. Smith’s desk, handing the teacher a note and speaking to her in hushed tones. Angel felt her jaw tighten and her fists clench as she watched him. There was no way this was happening.

There had never been a day in her life in which she had felt this way about anyone—until now, of course. A feeling of worry coursed through her as Mrs. Smith began to speak to him.

“Jeh-mez Blake,” read Mrs. Smith in a pseudo-posh accent as she examined the name pin attached neatly to the breast pocket of the boy’s blazer jacket. Angel had to admit to herself that their school uniform somehow looked better on him than any other boy, as if it was especially tailored to suit his broad shoulders and muscular physique.

Anyways, it was obvious that Mrs. Smith had no idea how to really pronounce J-H-É-M-E-S, as much as she might believe she did. Angel rolled her eyes and covered her mouth discreetly as she fought back a chuckle that rose up from her throat against her will. It wasn’t good of her to laugh at her teacher, but she had briefly caught sight of the new boy’s name pin on the way to her seat and she thought that it should be obvious that it was—

“James,” said the boy in a polite but flat tone, as if he was used to the unpleasurable task of correcting people who could not say his name correctly. “It’s pronounced James Blake.”

She knew it.

“Ah, yes,” said Mrs. Smith, nodding as if she had known all along. “Well, it’s a pleasure to have you, Jhémes. Why don’t you have a seat behind Miss Astrid, then.” She motioned in Angel’s direction.

Angel whipped her head around, taking in the sight of the empty desk behind her. When had this spot been empty? She was sure her best friend, Bryony Peters, had been sitting behind her in geography for all of the first week of school. Right? Or perhaps not. Where was she now? Angel hadn’t had the chance to look around when she first walked in.

“Hello, Astrid,” said Jhémes, propping his backpack against a desk leg and gracefully sinking into the seat. He stretched out his long legs until they were practically under her chair.

Angel twisted around completely in her seat and slowly met his eyes, which were like deep, piercing blue beams of light shining straight through her. She carefully pushed back a thick lock of her flowing, waist-length raven hair, and it shone glossily even under the artificial lights of the classroom.

“Hi, Jhémes,” she replied, giving him a graceful smile. “Actually, Astrid’s my last name. I’m—”

“Annalee,” he said, peering at her name pin. It was completely printed from left to right with a much smaller font than everyone else’s. A-Y-N-N-H-A-I-L-L-E-A-H Astrid.

“Yeah—What?” Angel quickly snapped her gaping mouth shut. “Uh, right! Wow, you’re the first person to get my name right on the first try.” She let out a laugh to hide how flustered she felt. “But I go by my middle name, Angel. It’s a lot more, well, easier, you know?” She shrugged nonchalantly.

Jhémes nodded, one corner of his mouth making the slightest curve upwards. “It’s unique.”

Not more than the spelling of Aynnhailleah, it wasn’t. “Thanks.” Angel smiled and began to turn back around in an attempt to end the conversation.

But Jhémes stared deeper into her eyes. Angel shifted uncomfortably. When was he going to look away? She had to wonder what exactly he could be so intent on.

“Is—Is something the matter?” she asked, putting a hand to her cheek. “You’re staring quite hard at me. Oh, is it about me bumping into you at the door? I’m really, really sorry. Are you okay?”

He remained silent for a moment, then he said quietly, “Your eyes. They are such a beautiful amethyst color.”

“Oh. Thank you?”

Not a word about her bumping into him at the door, but instead he praised her eyes. Angel had violet eyes, which no one else she knew, not even a single member of her family, had. Everywhere she went, people would gush over how beautiful and special her eyes were, but hearing his unexpected compliment somehow felt different. Somehow, it made her feel as if she were flying along the highs and lows of a roller coaster.

She felt herself on the verge of shaking with the thrill and the pit of dread in her stomach. What was it about him that made her feel this way?

“Angel, Jhémes, if you two are done flirting with each other, I would like to begin today’s lesson,” said Mrs. Smith pointedly, her face pinched into a disapproving expression.

There was a collective snicker that rose from their classmates, and Angel could feel herself blushing furiously at the insinuation. She snapped back around and stared intently down at her notebook.

She did not look at Jhémes for the rest of the class period, but she could not focus. Somehow, it felt as though there were needles boring into the back of her head the entire time, and her mind was filled with bottomless ocean eyes, snow white hair, and a large, strong embrace that smelled of pine and smoke.

--

Next: Episode 1.2


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
547 Reviews

Points: 31607
Reviews: 547

Donate
Tue Sep 05, 2023 3:44 am
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...



Lol these two really did get stuck with the most obnoxious spellings of two extremely normal names. I feel a little bad for them.

This is a really lovely satirical take on rom-coms. (rom-coms? shoujo manga? honestly, all of them?) There are just two things that I have to say at this point in the story, mostly just related to style. I typically hold off on plot until I get a bit further in.

1. World-Building Phrases.

I can tell you've sort of tried to slide in some world-building. Take these two sentences, from the second and forth paragraphs:

The night before, she had flown back in from winning an international dance competition too late to come back onto campus, so she had been forced to spend a night in Valley City, Peaks Kingdom, located right below Central Mountain.

He had to be taller than six feet with how he towered over her, and he looked like he had stepped off the cover of The Mode, the top international fashion magazine.

To tell you the truth, you don't really need to add this extra information in. I think that if you just hand-wave it away and pretend like you, the narrator, are talking to your friend who is totally in-the-know about the world you've created, you're going to have much smoother sentences. The world-building will happen. I promise.

That said, it's really great that you've thought this stuff out. Having it in mind will make it easier to have dialogue and plot and thoughts and whatnot that are "in-world" and thus super natural to read, even if they're about places and things the audience knows nothing about. You don't have to think so hard about adding these details in. The fact that you have internalized them means they will come up naturally (or if they don't, then it will be okay).

2. Hyperbole

I think you can go soooo much harder. I see some great examples of similes that you're using to sort of capture the exaggeration of tropes that you're after, but I think that some of those instances can be made much stronger by taking out the comparison and just going full-tilt into the feelings.

Let's look at an example:
Everywhere she went, people would gush over how beautiful and special her eyes were, but hearing his unexpected compliment somehow felt different. Somehow, it made her feel as if she were flying along the highs and lows of a roller coaster.


When we go into hyperbole, things simply are. There is no 'like.' There is no 'as if.' In hyperbole, we might see something like:

"Hearing his unexpected compliment just felt different. When he looked at her, his eyes carried her to the top of a roller-coaster. And when spoke, well, what else could she do but hurtle down at break-neck speed?"

...Or something like that. I might just be getting silly.

ANYway. This is super fun! I'll try to catch the later chapters this week. This weekend's been crazy.

Hope this helps,
-Vento




Lael says...


Thanks for the review! I hope you enjoy future parts :)



User avatar
19 Reviews

Points: 214
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sun Sep 03, 2023 9:16 pm
View Likes
Serrurie wrote a review...



Before I begin- this story is awesome. I just love the ending that wrapped back around to her first meeting him. I was only going to skim this- but it's just so captivating. The way Angel is just so flustered, and how Jhemes keeps his cool. It almost feels like he's trying to fluster her. The only thing I have to critique is the second paragraph- I feel like you may have rushed her flashback, showing us where she had just been and her dancing passion- I feel like that could have better been revealed by her talking to Jhemes about it. It would have been more suspenseful- and created yet another cute romance scene.




Lael says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
3807 Reviews

Points: 2564
Reviews: 3807

Donate
Sat Sep 02, 2023 4:53 pm
View Likes
Snoink wrote a review...



After seeing how hard you worked on this for Camp Nano... you know I couldn't resist reading it! :) (Also, any story which has James... I MEAN, Jhemes... is an automatic win for me, lol. I love that name. :))

Okay, so this is really fun! I love your physical descriptions. The whole "piercing blue eyes" bit made me unreasonably happy (why do they always have piercing blue eyes???) and I love how you're setting this up.

Also, the romance that is developing between Jhemes and Angel is cute. They both are beautiful, but Angel is somewhat endearing because she is modest and unassuming and not a complete jerk. Also, the fact that they connect on their weird names is slightly adorable, ngl.

Some quick thoughts about things to add...

He had to be taller than six feet with how he towered over her, and he looked like he had stepped off the cover of The Mode, the top international fashion magazine. Though he had a thin scar slashed through his left eyebrow, rather than detracting from his face, it made him look even more handsome. His hair evoked memories of soft, freshly fallen snow, and long, thick lashes of the same shade framed his blue eyes. They were like a bottomless ocean in the way that they seemed to pierce right through her. His gaze met hers, and she felt as though she were transfixed within the beam of his vision. She blinked and quickly lowered her head, feeling heat rush into her cheeks.


So, you probably want to devote a paragraph or two or three about how the heat is rushing into her cheeks and what her feelings are about seeing him. Like, since there is heat rushing into her cheeks, she clearly overwhelmed by him and physical appearance. But what are her feelings about him? You never mention her feelings! Just hint that she's shy and confused around him. It feels like you're trying to show and not tell... which is admirable! But you may want to go the more obvious route here because it is not at all clear as to what her feelings are about him!

Also, that will make this line easier to understand...

There had never been a day in her life in which she had felt this way about anyone—until now, of course.


So if you go into her feelings and talk about what she feels about him, it will make the story that much better! :)

Now, this is only the first part of the episode... so maybe something happens in the subsequent parts that I am unaware of that brings a plot to the story. But at this point, there is no real sense of plot in the story, other than this mysterious stranger showing up. This isn't necessarily a bad thing... sometimes stories need a little more time to set up the plot! I just wanted to add that it's not readily apparent at this point.

Anyway, hope this helps! :) Let me know if you have any questions about the review...




Lael says...


Thanks for the review and for sticking with me on this story for all this time :)



User avatar
209 Reviews

Points: 13076
Reviews: 209

Donate
Thu Aug 31, 2023 6:20 pm
View Likes
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hello! I saw one of the later parts of this story in the Green Room, I believe, and it sounded so amusing by the title. So I'm here to leave a review on the first part, at least.

First of all, I love the humorous title, as I mentioned. It's funny because it just bluntly calls out Main Character Syndrome, and nothing could scream louder, "This story's character is going to be totally cliche!" Probably the best part about this title is that it gives us this hint, otherwise it would be easy to start reading and then just throw the whole story out as being completely cliche trash. I think stating in the title that it's going to be full of tropes is a great way to tip off the readers and say, "Hang on, don't hate it yet!" It's kind of like a satire, and I love that.

The opening is hilarious because it is, once again, totally cliche. It sounds like every fanfiction ever, and I say that as a compliment, as this story is obviously supposed to sound really cheesy and trope-y. Tripping and falling into the gorgeous person's arms is the overly chewed gum of a dream that seems jokishly popular. You can tell this story is going exactly how you would expect.

The details you've thrown in about your main character in the first few paragraphs continue to tell the tale of a person who's almost cartoonishly set and successful in life. I think you did well with giving us this glimpse into how Angel is rich and perfect and probably popular, without giving an infodump. I definitely find it hard to avoid infodumping at the beginning of a story, so great work there.

I don't have a lot of time right now to go into a lot of detail with the rest of this review, but overall, great work, good writing, and good formatting & punctuation. It's easy to read, and while it could possibly use a little more interest in some of the wording, it's also not overly complex or hard to grasp, and with the subject being what it is, you definitely want to go for a little bit of a super simplistic approach. I definitely think that this character is going to get some character development, and I hope I get to read that.

All in all, good writing, and thanks for sharing!




Lael says...


Thanks for your review! I appreciate it :)



User avatar
516 Reviews

Points: 35211
Reviews: 516

Donate
Sat Aug 26, 2023 9:21 am
View Likes
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi Lael! I’m finally here to review your Camp NaNo story :D

General Impressions

I was smiling and laughing throughout the chapter! I’m impressed by just how many tropes you’ve managed to parody in a short space. My favourite was the fancy name spellings, and how they each know how to pronounce each other’s names because each has an equally unusual spelling for it. I like how the final line echoes the first line, too – that was a nice touch!

Characters

I thought both Angel and Jhémes were pretty likeable (even though that’s not super common for Sue/Stu characters!). Even though they are also depicted as being over-the-top, I found a lot of their reactions to things believable. The part where they discuss their names was one of those, as mentioned, and I also like how Angel comments on Jhémes’ ~ intense dramatic protagonist stare~.

The character descriptions obviously indicate that they’re both typical ‘main characters’ – with the conventionally attractive traits but amped up with hilarious purple prose.

Comedy

I really like how you used very specific coincidences for comic effect. Those felt consistently written-in throughout. For example:

Angel had to admit to herself that their school uniform somehow looked better on him than any other boy, as if it was especially tailored to suit his broad shoulders and muscular physique.

This is especially funny because it evokes how the world of the story seems to bend in favour of the main characters.
When had this spot been empty? She was sure her best friend, Bryony Peters, had been sitting behind her in geography for all of the first week of school. Right? Or perhaps not.

I don’t know why, but I find it humorous that Bryony is mentioned here but is just *gone* to make way for Jhémes. (Though I am eager to actually see Bryony in a scene, too!)

Suggestions

One suggestion I have is to maybe use more sentences to explain Angel’s bumping into Jhémes. The first sentence of the chapter felt pretty complex since it has multiple main verbs plus a lot of embedded info about who the characters are and where they are.

Another suggestion I have is about the second paragraph – I wonder if it might make sense to have the specific place names crop up later in the story rather than right at the beginning. Since most of this chapter actually takes place in Kennard Academy, it might help to just focus on introducing that name, and save the others for when they become the main setting of the action. Personally, I find it easier to follow a story when the different locations are introduced one by one as they become relevant to a scene.

Overall

This is a great opening chapter that introduces the main premise of the story (two Main Characters TM meet and shenanigans occur). The narrative voice felt pretty consistent as well, particularly in the second half. I liked the balance between the conversational tone and the elaborate descriptions to make certain parts more dramatic. I wonder what the plot has in store for Angel and Jhémes now …

Let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific!
-Lim




Lael says...


Thank you so much for the feedback! I%u2019m glad you enjoyed :)



User avatar
1447 Reviews

Points: 147185
Reviews: 1447

Donate
Fri Aug 18, 2023 9:15 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Lael! Icy here for a quick review this evening :)

As soon as she tripped and fell right in front of the geography classroom into the arms of someone who smelled like pine and a wisp of smoke, Aynnhailleah Angel Astrid knew she was in trouble.

I like this as an opener - straight into the thick of it!

I found the next paragraph a little overwhelming though. There was a lot of information to take in at once - maybe it could be broken down a little bit? Or perhaps moved slightly later in the chapter/episode?

“Sorry about that,” she said softly, and she hurriedly stepped through the doorway just as the first period bell rang. Before she could hear if he had replied, she scurried toward her seat in the second-to-last row before she could be scolded by Mrs. Smith for barely making it on time to class. Her high heels clacked painfully loudly on the floor tiles with each step she took. At least she had made it on time—even with all the crazy things that happened to her on her way to school, she had her honor student reputation to keep up.

Oh yeah, total main character energy here! I love the idea that she's wearing high heels to school - is she the only one that does this?

“Wow, he looks like a model. Have you ever seen him before on TV or social media?” one of her classmates whispered to another as she passed by.

The 'on TV or social media' threw me off. Even if you did see a model on tv, would you recognise them in real life? She could just ask if she recognises him.

“Transferring during senior year, huh. And not on the first day, but in the middle of the second week. I wonder why,” said the first classmate, then fell silent.

I love that you've thrown this trope in xD

Also agree with mint that I'm totally here for all the excessive eye descriptions! I'm not sure how you're going to balance the intensity that is this kind of teen drama with making it bearable to read (or write) for a long period, but I'm looking forward to seeing how you go about it!

Catch you in another part for more pine and smoke ;)

Icy




Lael says...


Hey Icy! I absolutely agree with your critiques and I intend to fix those when I come back to edit in the future. :) Thanks so much for reviewing and for your valuable insight.



User avatar
225 Reviews

Points: 20616
Reviews: 225

Donate
Mon Aug 07, 2023 4:55 am
View Likes
Spearmint says...



Haha, all the fancy descriptions of Jhémes's eyes XDD Super hyped to read the rest of this! ^_^




Lael says...


Lol yes! I started getting sick of describing his eyes as excessively as possible pretty early on, so I%u2019m considering toning it down later for my own sake xD




The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler