Untitled 2

by LadyBug

Published March 16, 2019

12+


CHAPTER NINE:

Hannah was fifteen. She awoke to the sound of her dog, Dearil, barking. She heard him wince and then there was an ominous silence that made Hannah's heart beat faster. She had a fear of all dogs except her own since she was bitten, but she trusted him with her life. If he was barking, there was trouble. A second later she heard heavy footsteps and a door close. Probably her front one.

She had been living alone since her parents died. When she was younger, people would come over every day to see how she was doing. Now that she was older people didn't come by as often, and when they did, they always knocked.

Hannah got up and lit the only candle in her room with shaking hands. She opened her bedroom door and almost dropped the candle. Dearil was dead on the ground, a pool of blood surrounding him. On her wall there was a message written in his blood. It said: 'NEXT TIME IT'S YOU, DOG.'

"Ah, severed Hippocampus tails," swore Hannah under her breath. She had received hate crimes for being part-werewolf, but nothing was ever this bad. She dropped to her knees and crawled over to Dearil. She set the candle down and hugged him to her chest, tears in her eyes. She no longer just felt scared, she felt ready to kill someone and then cry into a pillow. And other things she couldn't explain and didn't want to. She was a mangled mess of emotions, some of which she had never felt before. Not even when her parents had died.

Dearil had always been there. He had always cheered her up, had always played with her. Now he was gone. His brown fur and big, dark eyes were now just a memory.

Hannah ran out of her house after a minute, looking wildly around for his killer, even though she knew they'd be long-gone. She saw a passing Guardian and ran over to her. She didn't really want to, but they were her only hope at the moment. It was a full moon and its light illuminated everything with eerie shadows.

"Help me, please! Dearil is dead and there's a message on the wall," she managed to get out. She was sweating and shaking at the same time. Blood stained her white nightgown and she knew she had bed-hair and red eyes from her anger. She must have looked deranged.

"Who's Dearil? SOMEONE HELP THIS GIRL!" the lady called out. Other Guardians who were nearby ran over to her. Hannah recognized one of them as the male Guardian who drummed up a crowd when they tried to burn her.

"Dearil is my puppy and someone stabbed his chest," Hannah said. She tried to be as detailed as possible, but it was hard. She hated Guardians and she couldn't think straight.

He looked her up and down, taking in her appearance. "Oh, it's them. Ignore her, she probably killed her dog for attention. She's crazier than Old Hank," he said.

"Are you sure, Charles? She looks scared." the female replied.

"She's psycho. I've dealt with her before. Just walk away, Rose." Charles replied.

Hannah was left to scrub the blood up herself. She was left to dig a hole and bury her own dog alone. Nobody in the village would look at her. The Guardians spread rumors that she had a fit and killed her dog in a rage. The person who killed her best friend had gotten away without consequence.

Hannah had suspicions that it was a Guardian but she wasn't always so sure. A lot of people hated and alienated her for being completely human before that. But after that, people carried around rotten fruit peelings to throw at her. She had to go out after dark so fewer people would be out.

CHAPTER TEN:

The Abnormals followed Amethyst up to the second floor balcony. Phoebe let out yelp noise that Hannah guessed foxes made when they were upset.

"Amethyst, do you really expect us to jump off the balcony?" she said exasperatedly.

"No, Phoebe. That's a dumb idea," Amethyst replied, she looked over the edge.

"Oh, and running from rooftop to rooftop isn't?" Phoebe muttered under her breath.

"Ah-hah! Guardians are everywhere," Amethyst whispered, she was squinting.

Hannah looked over the edge too and saw the silhouettes of people. Luckily, there was just a slither of a moon and not enough stars to illuminate the sky. They could escape unnoticed.

"How are we going to get on the roof?" Dayton criticized loudly.

Amethyst shushed him and made 'follow me' gestures to the Abnormals. They followed her back inside.

"That damn creepy Guardian will be back any minute. When he knocks I'll go out there and distract him while you guys leave via rooftop. Just go as far as you can. I'll find you eventually," Amethyst said, determination was in her icy blue eyes.

"Will you be OK? " Guila asked, a terrified note was in her voice.

"They wouldn't hurt a beautiful girl who lives on her own." Amethyst replied in a sweet tone, batting her long, dark eyelashes. The others laughed even though they looked scared. Everyone jumped as they heard a knock.

"Just on time. The door that leads to the roof is upstairs," Amethyst muttered as she went downstairs.

The others ran upstairs and saw a heavy-looking, dark trapdoor. They opened it and went through just as they heard Amethyst open the door.

The roof was flat. Between each rooftop there was about a space of six feet. Amethyst had lost it if she expected everyone to run and jump without someone falling and breaking their neck.

Hannah looked down, she was still in Amethyst's too-big dress and she was barefoot. Her feet had blisters from where her shoes had been rubbing her feet when she ran the night before. She winced, looked up, and saw Yin's mismatched eyes crinkle in concern.

"Are you alright?" Yin asked quietly.

"Yeah, my feet just have blisters from my stupid shoes," Hannah replied with a shrug of her small shoulders.

"When I was a kid me and my brother were homeless. The only pair of shoes I owned were hollowed out, rotten cucumbers." Yin said gravely.

"I'm, uh, sorry?" Hannah said. She didn't know how to answer that.

Then, from the ground, she heard shouting. She heard snatches of sentences. 

"She's the village witch!"

"Kill it!"

"Leave her to rot, I say."

"There are people on her roof!"

At that last one, Phoebe took of running and jumped to the next roof. her tail was swishing back and forth quickly. Hannah had no choice but to follow or die. She took off at as fast as she could go, jumped, and made it. Her heart was beating too loudly. She felt pain on her feet as she picked up speed. Curse the too-long dress, it was slowing her down. Now she understood why Phoebe wore short dresses and Yin wore boy's clothes.

Hannah kept running behind Phoebe and she heard the others' footsteps behind her. She didn't dare look back. She heard guns being fired and saw a bullet miss Phoebe by inches. Suddenly, Phoebe stopped running and jumped down onto a balcony, which was about ten feet below. Hannah jumped too and landed on her knees. She felt a pain and guessed they were bleeding.

Hannah blamed Lottie for her current situation, if she hadn't of been invited to the ball, she never would have been friends with Lottie, never would have met Amethyst that night, and she would never had jumped out of a window, never be wanted for something she didn't do, and not be in this situation.

"Mermaid cleavage," swore Phoebe under her breath.

"What's wrong?" Hannah asked quietly as the others jumped onto the balcony. Hannah could just make it out in the dark, it was quite a nice place. It had chairs, vines, and a glass door.

"Crap, the door is locked. Stand back," Phoebe demanded. She kicked the door with her bare foot and glass shattered. It cut her leg but she didn't seem to notice. She picked up a shard.

"What's that for?" Dayton asked her.

"Makeshift knife," Phoebe explained quickly. Hannah could hear loud voices inside the house. Phoebe jumped off of the balcony and ran into the woods that surrounded Amethyst's town.

"Ah, we left our swords behind," Yin complained before she jumped. Hannah guessed that she should jump too, unless she wanted to be captured by the angry home-owners. She had gotten used to the feeling of jumping off high places by now, anyways.

She landed on her knees once again and she was sure blood was soaking through the Ivory dress and dirt had stained it. She was on her feet in a heartbeat, though. She followed Yin and Phoebe's trail into the woods.

"How did the Guardians not see us jump?" Yin muttered as Hannah caught up. they were surrounded by trees and bushes.

"Thank the darkness," Phoebe replied simply.

Hannah figured she had better get used to this sort of lifestyle. She grabbed the glass from Phoebe.

"Thanks, Phoebe." Hannah said. She held the glass shard so tightly that it cut into her right hand, grabbed her waist-length hair with the other one, and hacked through it.

"Oh, Lord." Phoebe muttered. "Why did you do that?"

Hannah looked down and could just make out her hair on the ground. She felt her head and her hair seemed to be the length of a boy's.

"It's shorter than mine, and it's uneven." Yin said as the others caught up to them. Guila squinted in the dark and gasped as she saw Hannah.

"Yin! What did you do to her?" Guila asked in shock.

"Why do you think I did that to her?" Yin replied.

CHAPTER ELEVEN:

Amethyst was sitting on the ground behind metal bars in the town's only jail cell. It was dirty and dusty. She had seen a rat scampering around. The Guardians had taken her there and scheduled her burning for tomorrow evening. She thought it was a waste that someone as smart and beautiful as her was behind bars. A man walked in.

He was the man who had been a creep to her earlier. It was he who had taken her wand and snapped it in two after his friend had grabbed her. 

He sat down next to her and stared at the low neckline of her Primrose gown. She coughed loudly to snap his attention away.

"Look, Baby Girl, I don't know anything 'bout you other than you're a witch. That's bad but I'll accept you." he said.

Amethyst wanted to slap him and hiss, I don't need your acceptance. My name isn't Baby Girl, it's Amethyst, and if you look at my chest again I'll slap you. I don't a wand to cause havoc.

But sadly, Amethyst needed to sweet-talk her way out of this. She had to pretend to be a doormat for just a few more minutes.

"OK, I'm a witch. But do I have to be burnt?" she said, licking her lips and batting her eyes. She gave him a smile and winked.

"Uh, maybe there's something I can do." he said, and he left the cell and locked it behind him. Amethyst let out a sigh and rubbed her temples. Wouldn't Phoebe be jealous if she could see how the man had looked at her. Amethyst missed Dane. He might not be interested in her too but at least he was a gentleman.

He came back with a sad expression on his face. He closed the cell door, which made Amethyst nervous. "Sorry, Angel Baby." he walked over to her and held out her hand. She took it and stood up, brushing herself off. She looked down at her dust-stained dress.

He took advantage of her distraction. He grabbed her waist and pulled him to her, kissing her cheek. She tried to pull away but he pulled her closer. 

"You owe me something for me trying to get you outta here, Princess." he whispered in her ear. How dare he call her princess?

She pinched his nose so hard he let go in surprise and slapped her hand away.

He was useless to Amethyst now and he had insulted her, so she figured she might as well finish the job. She grabbed his hair and pulled him towards herself. She slapped him so hard he let out a groan.

"Unhand me, you witch," he hissed. Amethyst unfailingly hated when people called her a witch, but she always pretended she didn't care.

She let out a humorless chuckle and checked the cell door, nobody was there so she guessed no one had heard them.

"My name is Amethyst Valen, not Angel Baby, not Baby Girl, and not Pretty Lady." she said. She kicked him between the legs so hard that he fell over and groaned. He grabbed her ankle and bit it, so she kicked him in the nose.

She knelt down and he reached for her hair, but she grabbed his hand and squeezed it until he yelped. She looked him in the eyes and smiled psychotically.

"I'm the leader of the Abnormals, and you're going to start hearing about us in the newspapers." she hissed in his face. "Oh, and I'm not a princess, I'm a queen."

Then she punched him and he blacked out. She started going through his coat pockets, she saw a pouch full of coins and she decided he wasn't poor so he wouldn't miss it. She also found a flask and a matchbook. In the other she found a cigar and the keys.

She took a swig of the flask and instantly felt a warmth feeling in her body. Whiskey. She lit a cigar and put it her mouth, then casually walked to the cell door and unlocked it with the key. Then she looked back and sighed.

She walked to his still body and doused it in whiskey. She lit the match and ran. She heard the explosion as she left out the front door and into the woods surrounding the town. She didn't look back. It was daybreak.

CHAPTER TWELVE:

The Abnormals heard quick, light footsteps behind them. Hannah turned around and let out a sigh of relief when she saw it was only Amethyst. Luckily it was dawn, so she could see her clearly thanks to the rising sun.

"How did you find us so quickly, Ame?" Phoebe asked with suspicion.

"Why are you smoking a cigar?" Guila said in surprise.

"Why are you holding a pouch of coins?" Dayton said with a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Do you have another cigar?" Yin asked sadly.

"How did you get away?" Hannah asked. She sounded bland compared to the others.

"I have my methods," Amethyst replied with a wink. 

She blew smoke in Guila's face, flicked Phoebe's cheek, patted Yin's head, raised an eyebrow at Hannah's hair, and winked at Dayton before stamping the cigar out.

"Now what? We're all as wanted as Hannah now and if we get caught we're as dead as Charlotte Heath," Yin said. Hannah's head got hot and her blood went ice cold. She had to take a deep breath so she didn't cry, or scream, or both.

"I'll summon Wulf and we'll fly to Colaria and rescue Dane from the Enemies," Amethyst said plainly.

"Uh, who's Wulf?" asked Hannah.

"Her pet dragon," muttered Phoebe.

"Is that a good idea to have a dragon in an oak forest? And why is named after a wolf" asked Hannah.

"There are two types of dragons, Water and Fire. Mine is a Water, so we'll be OK. And it's spelled W-U-L-F but pronounced like wolf." Amethyst replied. She lifted her right arm in the air and whistled a high note. 

There was silence for a minute as everyone looked in the sky for a dragon, but nothing came.

"Well, that worked," Yin said sarcastically.

Suddenly, a little, green dragon ran up to Amethyst and flew into her hand.

"Wulf! My love, I need you go as big as possible and go to Colaria," Amethyst said. She sounded as close to happy as Hannah had ever heard from her.

"Dragons can change size?" Guila asked in shock.

"Duh, but only when their owner commands or they feel like it." Amethyst replied as Wulf grew. He must have been at least twenty feet tall and fifteen feet long. He was also pretty wide. Wulf bowed his head down and Amethyst stepped onto it, walked down his neck, and sat on his back.

"Come on," Amethyst said, and Yin bounded up and sat next to Amethyst, a look of pure glee on her face.

Hannah chuckled and followed. She was used to fear thanks to the past few days. She sat next to Yin. "How old are you and Dayton?" Hannah asked Yin.

"Fourteen," Yin replied. Hannah noticed she did look about fourteen, but she had a mature look on her face that made her look heaps older.

"Are you excited to see Dane?" Hannah said, trying to make small talk.

"Yeah!" she replied, her face getting even brighter. Wulf took off at that moment, Hannah expected it to be uncomfortable and loud, but it was almost silent and very smooth. "He always helped my fighting skills and he was always there to talk. Amethyst isn't the best person to chat with, believe it or not."

"Aw, someone is sweet on Dane," Hannah teased.

"No, I'm not," Yin said, looking down. She almost sounded sad. Hannah guessed Dane had another sweetheart.

"OK, sure, Yin." she said.

"Um, I've never really liked a boy." Yin replied shortly looking up at Hannah. She had a heavy look in her eyes.

"You will one day, when I was your age I thought guys were nasty too," Hannah reassured her.

"No, I mean I never will," Yin muttered. Hannah wrapped her arm around Yin. She decided to drop the subject, she didn't want to embarrass her with gentlemen talk.

Hannah looked over and caught Guila's eye. She gave her an 'are you all right' look.

Guila looked terrified to be up in the air because she had a panicked look all over her face. She shook her head violently. "I'M NOT MOVING!" she screamed.

"I prefer girls," yelled out Yin. Hannah hadn't expected that. Girls didn't like other girls and guys didn't like other guys or they'd have their hands chopped off. "I don't care what you think. If you think it's wrong, well, it's none of your business. Don't you dare judge me on that! Everyone else here accepts me and I know I can trust 'em."

"I don't think it's wrong," Hannah said. She hugged Yin tighter and saw her smile. This group was definitely making Hannah more open-minded.

After everyone except Amethyst fell asleep. They awoke to her yelling.

"We're in Colaria." she called out. Hannah sat up and looked around groggily before realizing where she was. The others were doing the same.

Everyone cheered until Amethyst yelled, "We need to jump off."  THEY WERE A THOUSAND MILES IN THE SKY!

"Congratulations, you're about to finally succeed in killing us all," Yin said to her. Amethyst laughed, stood up, and jumped gracefully. Guila screamed but Phoebe followed suit. Dayton nose dived off. Yin leaped off too. Hannah laughed and jumped. Even though she knew she shouldn't, she trusted Amethyst.

She landed without pain on the ground. She jumped off of high places WAY too much. She felt the air go past her as she whizzed down to the ground. She landed on her feet. She saw they landed on a busy street. So busy, in fact, no one noticed them land next to each other.

"Part of Wulf's magic. You can jump off of him from any height without getting hurt," Amethyst said as Guila landed on her butt. She looked like she wanted to rip Amethyst's long, blonde hair out.

"They should have Lottie in here," Amethyst said to Hannah.

"Uh, Amethyst, Lottie is dead." Hannah said.

"There are ways to bring back the dead. And of course they'd want the Heaths' daughter. She's like gold," she replied.

Hannah couldn't help but feel a bit lighter as they walked down a street path. She didn't want to get her hopes up, though. She looked around to distract herself. There was a castle that reminded her of Lottie's and the street was bustling with life. Kind of like her village before it was burnt.

Even though it was winter, it was warm here. It was a nice change.

"Are we just going in there and demanding Dane back?" asked Guila. "Ame, you're crazy. One day, you are going to go too far, witch."

Hannah swore she saw a flicker of annoyance cross Amethyst's face but it was replaced with a light-hearted chuckle. She must have imagined it.

"Yes, the royal family of Colaria are refined. They'd probably give Dane and Lottie back and invite us to a dinner to discuss matters. I mean, they might poison the food, but that's classier than a gun."

"I'm not going up there and dying," Guila said. Hannah got the feeling Guila didn't argue often.

"Fine, you stay there while I get our friends back," she said, and flounced off. She soon disappeared behind trees and shrubbery.

"How much do you want to bet she dies," muttered Dayton.

"Nothing is ever that easy, in the three years we've spent being the Abnormals, we should know that." Yin replied.

"How did you lose Dane anyways?" Hannah asked no one in particular.

"We were fighting Rula, the Prime Minister of Colaria, and she got away and captured Dane," Guila replied before everyone saw Amethyst strut triumphantly down the street with a huge Great Dane dog and Lottie.

"Hannah, here is your dear friend, Phoebe, here's your boyfriend." Amethyst said as Lottie screamed and ran into Hannah's arms. Hannah started crying.

Hannah faintly heard Phoebe say, "he's not my boyfriend, yet..."

"What happened?" Hannah asked Lottie. She felt her face to make sure Lottie was real. She was.

"I woke up in a cell with that dog. I don't remember anything past jumping out that window. BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?" Lottie said. She hugged Hannah again.

"Long story," murmured Hannah.

"Hannah, this is Dane. He's a dog that can turn into a human," Amethyst introduced.

Hannah saw a guy was standing where the Great Dane dog was standing not seconds before.

"I'm not a dog that can turn into a human, Ame. I'm a human who can turn into a dog. Big difference. Anyways, hi Hannah. I'm Dane," he said smoothly.

"Hi," Hannah replied awkwardly. Dane was cute! Why did her hair have to look like it did? But of course he was a player, Amethyst and Phoebe looked like they were swooning. Yin ran into Dane's arms and hugged him.

"Hey, Yinny!" Dane said into her short, blonde hair.

"We've been invited to their party tonight. I called it. Lottie, I know you hate it there, but you have to go. No one will lock you up. If they do, Hannah will kill them. " Amethyst said. Hannah didn't know how Amethyst was friends with the Heaths but she didn't care at the moment.

"Goodness, a royal ball! How will we dress? Our clothes are filthy and we don't have any others," Guila exclaimed. She had a point. Dane had on a leather jacket but proper gentlemen pants and a vest and shirt under the jacket. The others were filthy from their little overnight adventure, and Hannah's hair was probably awful. Why did she cut it?

"We go as we are." Amethyst said with an evil grin. "Let's embarrass the heck out of them."

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:

Hannah was standing next to Yin and Phoebe in a ballroom. Hannah felt such an overwhelming sense of Deja Vu, she almost offered to bake a cake. People kept shooting them looks. The part-werewolf, the half-fox, and the girl in guy's clothes. Hannah looked over at Yin and Phoebe and saw a look of pure evil spread over Yin's face.

"DANE! HANNAH WANTS TO DANCE WITH YOU!" Yin yelled to Dane, who was standing across the room.

Hannah felt her eyes go brown in embarrassment. She wasn't very good at hiding her emotions, or maybe it was just her eyes were a dead giveaway. Hannah needed to get revenge.

"LOTTIE! YIN WANTS TO DANCE WITH YOU!" Hannah called out. Yin looked like she wanted to kill Hannah. Hannah stuck her tongue out at Yin. Yin threw a piece of food at Hannah, missing her by less than an inch.

"You two are such kids," Phoebe muttered.

Lottie, who was on the other said of the ballroom, waved awkwardly.

But Dane walked over. "Dance with me, fellow part-canine," he said. Hannah followed him onto the dance floor. He put his arm around her waist and she put her arm around his neck. He had warm, brown eyes and straight, white teeth.

"Don't call me that," she said. he might have Amethyst and Phoebe and maybe even Guila wrapped around his finger, but he wasn't getting her too.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it in a mean way, Hannah. If you want you can call me Dog breath," Dane said.

"Where's Amethyst?" Hannah asked, changing the subject. She didn't like being this close to a man she had just met. Especially one like him. And his breath smelled like peppermint for some reason.

"Upstairs, she's probably talking to Queen October," Dane said. Queen October was the Queen of Colaria. "I keep expecting her to show up, have us jump of the roof, and set fire to this place."

"Huh, that sounds like her,"Hannah said. She couldn't help but laugh because that sounded exactly like Amethyst. The ground kind of swayed beneath her, she took a deep breath to steady herself and focused on the orchestra. It was quite a slow song.

Meanwhile, Yin saw Lottie walking over to her. Yin tried not to blush. She did not like prissy, girly, rich Lottie. She pretended not to notice Lottie coming towards her. The place was nice. there were chandeliers, an orchestra, waiters, and a lot of stuff Yin didn't even know existed.

"Do you still want to dance with me?" Lottie asked her Yin hadn't noticed she had gotten so close. Dang, that girl could move quickly.

"Sure, I guess," Yin replied. She shot a dirty look in Hannah's direction but Hannah didn't see. She was too busy talking to Dane. Lottie and Yin walked to the middle of the dance floor. Lottie looked at her.

"Amethyst told me you were poor, so I'm going to teach you how to dance," Lottie said.

She grabbed Yin's arms and put them around her waist. She wrapped hers around Yin's neck, and put her head on her chest. They started swaying to the beat. Yin might be younger than her by three years, but she was taller.

"Amethyst also told me, you know..." Lottie started.

"Just because I like girls doesn't mean I like every girl." Yin snapped. Her heart started beating faster for some reason she couldn't understand. She was terrified that Lottie would hear, and that thought made her heart go even faster.

Lottie looked up, Yin noticed her neck had a healed over wound. It was kind of cute, like a girly battle scar. It looked old, but Yin knew it had only been there a few days. Amethyst talked a lot. Yin knew Lottie was rich and she had died. "I know what you mean, my parents wanted to marry me off to a guy." muttered Lottie. 

Yin understood what Lottie was saying. She looked around the room and caught Dayton's eye. He winked and Yin could feel her cheeks go red. "Hm," Yin said as she accidentally stepped on Lottie's foot. Lottie winced and looked down.. 

"How did they bring you back?" Yin asked. Slow down, she told her heart. How could she hang out with the Abnormals without fear, but she couldn't dance with Lottie without shaking?

"I'll tell you another time. Tell me about you," Lottie replied without looking up.

"I'm homeless, you know. I know you're rich and fancy." Yin said quickly. She didn't tell Lottie her parents had abandoned her when she was a baby and she had taken care of herself and Dayton her whole life. She didn't tell her she had to steal to survive and live in alleys a lot of the time. She would never tell anyone that. She would never tell anyone why she and her twin were abandoned.

"What about that? I honestly don't care, and I'm an outcast now too. If my parents knew I was still alive they would take me back."

Yin wondered why Lottie hated her parents so much. But everyone in the Abnormals had a past. And Lottie was an Abnormal now. A Lady in disgrace. Classic.

She stepped on Lottie's foot again and Lottie cringed in Yin's arms.

"Sorry," Yin said. "I don't dance."

"Then let's keep trying." Lottie replied.

Hannah was being spun around by Dane. They were both laughing for no real reason. Out of the corner of her eye, Hannah noticed Yin and Lottie dancing. Hannah didn't know that Lottie liked Yin. Yin tried dipping Lottie but dropped her. Hannah and Dane laughed at that.

Hannah saw Amethyst from across the room. She walked over to them and said, "Dane, are you going to dance with me at all?"

"Sure," Dane said. He smiled at Hannah and took Amethyst's hand. Hannah told herself she didn't care. Every man looked Amethyst because she was beautiful. Of course Dane would too. Hannah wasn't falling in love with someone she had just met....

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
Morgan
Review
Morgan wrote a review Review · Mar 23, 2019

hi there Jade. Morgan here...

Good JOB!!!! I’m liking the story more an more. Okay, Chapter NINE!!!! WWWWWHHHHYYYYYY?????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? The dog dies???????????? Bruh, I was literally singing “Happier” in my head while reading that part. I mean, I love animals and I hate cruel people. So right there was just a knife going through my heart, BUT THAT”S A GOOD THING. Wait, I mean, not really but I felt some stuff and that is exactly how the reader should feel when reading. They need to feel actual emotions, and you did exactly that. Well done. Now, for some suggestions, when this was happening i could picture myself screaming and crying while I was burying the dog. Maybe add in some emotions to Hannah when things like this happen. I mean, her parents just died so maybe she should’ve;e reacted in a more melancholy way since her dog was her only true friend and now it just died.

Little tip: sometimes I cry when I write my stories becuase I’m in the “zone”. For writers that means, that the writer is actually experiencing their own adventure that they’re writing and they can feel the happiness, pain, torture etc. How I do that, is by putting myself in the main character. For example, if I were Hannah.....I see my dog in a pool of blood. My first emotion would be horror! That is something that you would write. Then as I bury my dog, I would feel pain and I would be shaking with pure vindication. you know, that stuff. So what I’m saying is... imagine yourself holding your dog’s body. images of when he was alive, falshes in your head and that only makes you more sad. That is something you can also write. So the main point here, when you are writing form someone own thoughts and actions, you wanna make their actions and emotions relatable. Something that the reader would do or feel. in order to do that, you would have to go through the torment and emotions first.

lol. I know. You must sacrifice yourself first in order for the reader to feel the story. I’m making this sound physically painful, but hey, think of it as a superpower. Now it’s up to you to bring the magic of the story. Wow, duper dramatic I know. LOL XD :D
Well, great job and keep on writing.
~ your friend, Morgan

Thanks! I'll do that in future lol

Morgan replied · Mar 23, 2019

Can%u2019t wait!!! :)

It'll be out later today. IDK how I did but it's the last part so I wanted them to go out with a bang (a fight at the Heath mansion lol)

Morgan replied · Mar 23, 2019

Oohhh...intriguing. Lol XD

User avatar
Honora
Review
Honora wrote a review Review · Mar 19, 2019

Hey Jade!
Once again, your writing is intriguing and really draws me in. It is different and I am looking forward to getting to know Dane. For some reason (in books and reality) I seem to be intrigued by really confident yet sweet guys. That is the vibe I get from Dane. ;)
So I noticed a few things. Quite a few of your sentences are missing capitalization but that isn’t too big of a problem. A few missing words again but once again, when you reread I’m sure you will catch them.
Can you guess my favourite part? Obviously when Amethyst is drinking whiskey! It is well done and since it is in “honor” of me, it makes it even more awesome! Jk ;)
Anyway, good writing! :D
Your friend,
Honora

Thanks! I'll watch out for capitalization in future. I hope I explained whiskey right XD

P.S. Dane is aweeessssoooommmeee! I swooned XD

Honora replied · Mar 20, 2019

Lol yes you explained it fine ;)
Dane is quite cute lol

What do you mean, though, when you say it's different? I'm not trying to be weird I just honestly don't know what you mean :o

Honora replied · Mar 21, 2019

I mean different in a good way don%u2019t worry!!i mean different as in not seen in every other book and well written! ;)

Thank you so much :) :) :)

Honora replied · Mar 21, 2019

No problem! ;)

User avatar
Lib
Review
Lib wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2019

Hey Jade!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a revieeeewww. Okay let's get right to it.

This was the most awesome part yet! I loved it! I adore how you explain every little detail. You never forgot a thing about your characters, which is wonderlandiful! (Please share some tips) Okay, I did see a few mistakes, but let me finish complementing you. Wait, can you tell Ame that she has a fan? Please? Thanks. Anyways, my favorite chapter was the eleventh one.

You have wickedly creative ideas, Jade, seriously creative. Like, the half-wolf. Half-fox. Hands chopping off. Lottie coming back. Dane/Great Dane. <3 I love this series way too much! Okay, I'll point out mistakes now.

Phoebe let out yelp noise that Hannah guessed foxes made when they were upset.


I think you forgot to add the 'a' in between 'out' and 'yelp'.

her tail was swishing back and forth quickly.


Watch out, capitalization!

She took off at as fast as she could go, jumped, and made it.


If you read this sentence, it does not sound right. Maybe delete the 'at'?

they were surrounded by trees and bushes.


Again, watch out for capitalization.

"Is that a good idea to have a dragon in an oak forest? And why is named after a wolf" asked Hannah.


Remember, whenever you finish a dialogue, you have to add a punctuation mark at the end. You probably knew that, but I thought I'd tell you since you did not add one in this one. :D

he might have Amethyst and Phoebe and maybe even Guila wrapped around his finger, but he wasn't getting her too.


Capitalization...

"Dane, are we going to dance with me at all?"


Read it, and tell me what you think. Are we going to dance with me at all? I think you know where I'm getting at.

Every man looked Amethyst because she was beautiful.


Looked? Or loved? That's it! I can't wait to read the next part. Don't forget to tag me, Jade. Have a good day/night. (I know, I point out the teeniest of mistakes, sorry... XD)

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

Thank you so much! I need you as a proofreader XD!!!
P.S. Amethyst said "I know,"
You gotta love her.

Oh yeah, and if you really want to know how I get the characters to seem so real. I listen to music that I think they would like/ and or music that represents them when I write about/as them.
Amethyst was: Sweet but Psycho... (listen to it. IT'S SO HER)

Lib replied · Mar 18, 2019

Def. :D

User avatar
Anma
Review
Anma wrote a review Review · Mar 17, 2019

Hello Jade!

Soo, lets go over this
This is very interesting, creative. I can feel the emotions from the characters. There is a lot of punctuation issues..... and a few grammar that you may want to fix.
It is very long to so i did get off track a few times. Maybe make it smaller next time so its not a big loud. Either than that it was great.

You don't need to do these but here are some of my suggestions.

1. No need to repeat "candle"
"She opened her bedroom door and almost dropped it.

2. Missed punctuation
"On her wall, there was a message written in his blood.

3.Don't repeat always so much, kk :)
"He had always cheered her up and played with her.

4.Missed punctuation
"It was a full moon, and its light illuminated everything with eerie shadows.
"Dearil is dead, and there's a message on the wall,"
"Blood stained her white nightgown, and she knew she had bed-hair and red eyes from her anger.

5. It sounds better
"Other Guardians who nearby ran over to her.

6.Missed punctuation
"Dearil is my puppy, and someone stabbed his chest,"
"She hated Guardians, and she couldn't think straight.
"Hannah had suspicions that it was a Guardian, but she wasn't always so sure.

7.Sounds better
"A lot of people hated and alienated her for being utterly human before that.

8. Punctuation
"When he knocks, I'll go out there and distract him while you guys leave via rooftop.
"They wouldn't hurt a beautiful girl who lives on her own,"
"Between each rooftop, there was about a space of six feet.
"Hannah looked down, she was still in Amethyst's too-big dress, and she was barefoot.
"Hannah kept running behind Phoebe, and she heard the others' footsteps behind her.

9.Sounds better
"Amethyst said, the determination was in her icy blue eyes.

10. Minor spelling error
"At that last one, Phoebe took off running and jumped to the next roof.

11. Capitalize
"Her tail was swishing back and forth quickly.

12. Word suggestion, punctuation
"Now she understood why Phoebe wore short skirts, and Yin wore boy's clothes.

13. Word use
"She felt pain and guessed they were bleeding.

14. Long Sentence
Hannah blamed Lottie for her current situation.If she hadn't been invited to the ball she never would have been friends with Lottie. She never would have met Amethyst that night, and she would never have jumped out of a window. She wouldn't be wanted for something she didn't do, and not be in this situation.

15. Word Use
"She thought it was a waste that someone as smart and beautiful as she was behind bars.

There is more I'd like to suggest but I don"t want to make it so long. and be all about suggestions. Your work is great

I hope to read the next chapter, and more of your work!

Tell me if you ever need a review! Keep it up

Your friend Anma

Thanks! I had serious writer's block until the night before it was due so I had to write without much time to edit. I'll check for these things next time! :)



But sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a person who is in the process of changing.
— Dalinar (Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson)