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rough shape

by LadyBird



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82 Reviews


Points: 811
Reviews: 82

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Sun Feb 10, 2019 11:47 pm
Cloudkid wrote a review...



Hi! Oliver here to review <3

I'm not going to be nitpicky about punctuation and whatnot because you're a seasoned poet and you know what you're doing. I just have some overall remarks.

To begin with, the title is apt and fitting for the poem. In relation to the poem's contents, it gives off the sense of the soul being battered.

Right out of the gate you have a solid simile. By relating the soul to a half-eaten pan of cornbread, you're talking about how the soul was consumed without thought and then abandoned. It gives some thought as to how the narrator was treated.

The simile is very well conveyed. However, the lines

when it is remembered these / pieces and crumbs, are soon / discarded to the depths of the / greatest hell


kind of threw me off. It seems awkwardly wedged in there with no real purpose.

The poem in a way makes me feel sort of nostalgic? And sad. It makes me long for a different time.

Overall I do really like this poem and it makes a lot of sense. Good job.

Keep writing,

- o.s.e.k




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268 Reviews


Points: 15159
Reviews: 268

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Sun Feb 10, 2019 6:30 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day.

Let's get to it.

I'll start by saying this was a really great poem you have written here. it was very touching, and I loved reading it. To be honest I don't know how to make a poem this good so I think you have done a splendid job. But I did see a few things that can be fixed, but I will get to those in a sec.
I also don't think you over did this poem, it was just long enough, it didn't feel stretched out. That is sadly something I do to my poems, so it's nice to read a poem which has been written really well and I can get some tips. So that's really good.

Now down to the real review.

Now this this something that can be fixed really easily.
As I was reading I saw that you didn't have any capitol letters so I'm here to help you a little with that.
Let me show you what I mean.
So i'm going to take your first few lines and show you.

my soul is like a half-eaten cast
iron pan of corn bread. it
was once loved but when it grew
stale, it was abandoned to the
darkness of the cupboard. and

Okay first the work my that is in bold should have a capitol letter, along with the letter it. The next letter is loved, I think it should have a comma after it. It just feels like there should be a brake before the but. Okay the next thing is the and, I just feel like it should be moved down to the next sentence.

Well that's it for me for now. I loved reading and reviewing your work for you. I hoped the review helps in some way. I hope to see more works form you soon on YWS. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D





“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author