Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
December 20, 4140
5:30 pm
Harry sat down to dinner, alone. Will was off doing some shopping somewhere, probably arguing with a clerk over the pattern of the printer paper. It was better to be alone tonight. It meant she could sit there and think over all that had happened, and possibly try to remember those 4 hours that she lost.
She hadn’t realized that it had been quite that long until
going through the case briefing with Jud.
The gem smuggling case was rather ambiguous at the moment but it could
so easily turn into the biggest job of her career. Twenty thousand units per day, just to find a
lost cat holding onto some lost diamonds.
And then maybe report them to the Federation, depending on the deal the agency
would get on the profits.
Vinconni was right when he said that she was just as dirty as the rest of the city. Who was he to talk? Even if they stacked all their crimes together and tried to say one was guiltier than the other, any guilt is worse than innocence.
And she certainly felt guilt now, as she was trying to remember what it was that she had done to Vinconni. When she wrapped him up in the plastic tarp and drug his body to the water, all she could see was blood. Blood and maybe a few bones sticking out of places, but mainly it was just the blood. The blood that had washed over her and the floor and was still spilling out of the tarp.
As she worked to clean all the tools that had scattered around the hotel garage, the blood was slowly seeping into the concrete floor and a rush of regret came over her. There was no reason to kill him. She could have just created a new deal and maybe double crossed him when the time was right, rather than let the emotions sweep over her.
Now as Harry looked down at the pizza on her dinner plate, she was wishing that she had made a different kind of sauce, one that wasn’t so red.
She ate slowly and tried to remember the scene that had been blacked out of her memory. Talking aloud, she started to recall the bits and pieces, hoping that no one came in to the apartment at that time.
I took that tattered old kit out of one of my pockets of her coat, and then I laid the coat out on the rusty table and put my kit on top of it. They had a bright shine and I must have sterilized them before I began, but I can’t remember the before part either.
I started to feel
dizzy, gripped on to the table for support and with my back turned to him,
said, “Your army taught you to extract information with pain. So did mine.”
That wasn’t true, the army never taught me to torture people with my
hands. They taught me to torture people
with my mind.
His replay to me was a
complete change of character, going from the brave solider bravado to a poor
beggar, looking for someone to save his life.
“Please don’t. We can still negotiate a
new trade agreement. I can still make
this better.”
I wanted to ask him,
how? I never want to kill anyone, I
wanted to save him before my dark side took over and I could just resolve this
with a trade agreement. But still I kept
my voice along the path of the brave soldier, who wouldn’t be taking no or yes,
for an answer.
“You’ve already struck out with that excuse.”
I leaned back over the table, again to steady myself and to search for the tool to start with. One thing that can be said for Delta versus Tanis, is that my home was not a fan of working with their hands. They might have been the ones to teach me to torture, because they thought it would be essential for every soldier, especially the ones with weak limbs, but they didn’t help me perfect the craft. The work for Federation Intelligence did that.
I started to pick up a small knife, thinking about slicing off a few of his scales, but then I noticed the large bath in the corner. And how I could force him to shift back into his Nero form, quite painful judging from the amount of surgery he had to change his looks.
There was no way I could have lifted it. So I sat down, tightened my leg braces, and concentrated on dragging it across the floor, no matter all the screeching sounds it made as the metal collided with the concrete.
Then there was the problem of first, not having any water, and second, having to put Vinconni into the bathtub. I remember looking out at the river and trying to think about moving the water, but nothing was happening. I kept concentrating on moving the water through the air and into the bath, but still nothing happened, and I got dizzy again.
Vinconni snickered, lifted his head up and cursed at me in Sirena.
“I hope you realize how obnoxious that sounds. As soon as I move that water in, I’ll wash your mouth out with soap.”
He stared at me for a
moment, twisting in his bounds all the time, and replied with another stream of
insults. He switched back to English to
say, “I didn’t realize they trained you long enough on Nerot to learn such a ‘crude’
language.”
“It’s only crude when it’s used above sea level. You should leave water languages to be spoken
in the water.”
“Then you should use the words to move the water. Or I guess, you’re not strong enough for
that, are you?”
I tightened my braces again, stood up and walked back over to the table of instruments. Flipping the kit over to the knives, I looked for the perfect size and selected my favorite one. It was light, just a few inches long and sharp enough to go in and out with little notice. I walked over to where Vinconni sat, still trying to get out of the ropes and placed the blade right above his thigh.
“You’re going to
regret this, Harry.”
“No, you are.”
It took one direct blow to drive the knife into his thigh, causing a scream that frightened off a few rats and pigeons from the rafters. The pigeons flew away but the rats, starting to smell blood, scurried down to around his chair.
Water language.
A way to control the water.
This was one of the cleaner parts of the river, luckily. It was painful to take my braces off and then even worse to have to crawl to the river bank, meeting broken bottles along the way. Once I eased into the water, it was easy to tell the difference between fresh water and the tap that I usually soaked in. A few brachycampsas rested on the opposite bank but once I slipped into the water, I could only focus on the task at hand.
And then I don’t know. I must have –
“Harry, were you talking to me?”
Harry looked up towards the door, recovering slightly from her visions, and realized her hand was bleeding.
“No, darling. I was
just talking aloud to myself about a new case.
It’s going to be an exciting one.”
“Well it must be a fun one if you’re thinking about it this time of the
day. Would you please come and help me
get the rest of the boxes from the car?”
Harry replied just as the door was shutting.
“Uh sure. I’ll be down in a few minutes.”
She looked down at her half eaten pizza, trying to decide if she even wanted to eat anything else tonight or if it should just become tomorrow’s breakfast.
And as far as the memories went, they’d have to be saved for breakfast as well.
As she started out the door, another blip from the memory came back.
Vinconni was completely slumped against the back of the chair now, bleeding from multiple places, and in a hushed voice he spoke two things to me.
“Great men are not born great, they grow great.”
He said this, coughed and then his eyes closed a bit more. The Pinstripe Man hummed a few bars to a familiar song, sang out the words “when the saints go marching in”, and then fell off his chair.
He was finally dead.
But this was not over.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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So I said in my last review that I liked that the torture scene was skipped over. But now that you've put it here, I like it a lot. The effect of Harry having to struggle to remember it later feels pretty cool, and damn, I liked that scene.
The transitions from each subject to the next feel natural. My favourite line in the whole chapter was 'And as far as the memories went, they’d have to be saved for breakfast as well.'
The transitions get across the feeling of Harry's sordid work life intruding upon her home life very nicely.
So this ended up being my favourite chapter so far. I'll try elaborate better on why.
The details like Harry struggling with her leg braces and the bathtub screeching on the floor made me feel more like I was there. And the contrast between Harry struggling with her own physical weakness while doing something unnecessary and cruel to somebody else was interesting. And seeing Vinconni, somebody who's usually tough and cool, panic like anyone else would made him seem more real, and made me feel more sympathetic towards him.
Annnd next chapter time, yay
Hello, LadyBird!!!
Once again, a wonderful chapter! You're starting to get the reader more peaks into the past events, which is thickening the plot nicely, and keeping the reader engaged. This was the right point to start giving more details about the past, and I appreciated the added detail that she's blocked the events, so that's why they weren't/aren't presented in a clear, linear fashion. So far, this adds to the narrative. It's not necessary at this point, but as the story progresses, I'll be curious about why she specifically blocks this event while her allusions to her past seem to suggest that she's dealt with a lot of traumatic or violent experiences before, so knowing what about this one makes it particularly worth blocking would be a good detail.
I especially enjoyed this line:
I know that's a weird favorite part to have, but I thought it was such a descriptive detail that really brought the setting to life. I hope to see more descriptions like that in the coming chapters, because I really enjoyed it!!
There was more interiority in this chapter than the others, which I really appreciated. I could see her struggling to remember and struggling to decide what to do with Vinconni, and I want to continue knowing more about her internal conflict.
Has it been mentioned before that Vinconni has scales? Or is that a new detail? Because it might have just been something I forgot, but if it hasn't been mentioned before, it should be mentioned and he should be given a thorough description. And I still want more description of Harry as well! I'm starting to understand a bit about the culture of her species, and I'd like to be able to understand the other cultures and species in the same way.
This is more of a practical thing- you begin each section with a date and time, so are you planning for some of those to be in the middle of chapters when it's like this where it's chapter 4.2? Because I might just have each scene be a chapter on its own, since you set up the scene like it's its own thing; it doesn't at this point feel incredibly cohesive with 4.1 (though that might just be because I read 4.1 a week ago; so take this with a grain of salt.)
The thing about the red pizza being off-putting because it reminded her of blood was so well done; it felt authentic. You're so good at bringing out authentic details that make the world seem believable, which is really necessary in a story this fantastic.
Can't wait for the next section!!!
-tgirly
This review got me my first blue star!!! I'm super proud of that.
Okay, so re: experimentation since you specifically mentioned that in the pad. I thought it worked okay. It was a little jarring because we've been in third-person and suddenly we're in first-person for a good chunk of the chapter, but I think it works better than it would otherwise because
a) the prior narration mentioned her talking aloud to herself as she tried to remember
b) it was all fragmented as opposed to a big long cohesive flashback
So like we were suddenly in first person but there was a reason given for it vs just suddenly having it come out of nowhere as a first-person flashback.
In other news: wow, spooky that she blacks out and/or represses the torture to the point where she can't remember and has to really think about it and bring it to mind. Given her guilt elsewhere in this chapter I could see that it might be a side effect of feeling guilty either about torturing people or needlessly killing them, although I'm not sure since she goes on with it anyway and has like Army Experience and Intelligence and etc.
That was short but it is Late and I am Tired so please forgive.