z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Wish I Was Home ~ Chapter One ~ The Flight

by looseleaf


Chapter One ~ The Start

"Mom! Mom!" Eva yells and starts snapping to get mom's attention.

"Stop making so much noise! There are other people around." Mom says, looking up from her book, "What do you need?"

"Can I have some chips?" Eva whines, "I'm starving!"

"Our flight leaves in ten minutes, I think you can wait." Mom answers, then went back to reading.

"We never had dinner!"

"I said you can manage!"

I start putting my things away. My notebook, waterbottle, pencil case, all go back into my bag. I was dreading going on this "vacation" for months. It was hardly a vacation, I had to spend time with my psycho cousins and their brainless parents. It was also wasting my summer! My Junior year summer, wasted! I wanted to stay here, in good ol' New York City, but no. I was out voted, we were going to London.

I keep my phone in my hand, expecting a text from Remi or Kathryn. Remi was already in Toronto spending time with her mom and Kathryn was at her house. Neither of them were going to be anywhere near me.

"Flight 142 to London, boarding now." A young lady says over the intercom.

"Quinn, put your phone away." Dad tells me, picking up his bag, "We have to board."

"Do I have to? I could just stay home alone!" I say.

"We already paid for your tickets, so no. You should be excited! You've never been abroad before." Mom interupts.

"I've been to Canada with Remi." I say.

"That was Niagra Falls, it doesn't count." Dad responds.

Everybody in the waiting area starts to stand up, so mom dashes over to the line to save us a spot. The rest of the family quickly catches up to her. The line was slow moving and it took fifteen minutes for the man at the desk to check our tickets.

"Have a good vacation!" He says, cheerily.

"I wish." I mumble under my breath.

Everyone files down the corridor to the plane, squeezes down the isle. Mom and dad bought what were, apparently, "the best seats in the house". There is a lot of leg room, but besides that, nothing else is special about them. There was only two, so mom and dad had to sit across the isle. I claim the window seat, get comfortable, and the flight attendents do their safety instructions. I don't pay attention and neither does Eva, she already has her earbuds in. Does anyone listen to the instructions?

"I love this song." She leans toward me and whispers. She shows me her phone. Justin Bieber's "Sorry".

"No 13 year old likes Justin Bieber. Listen to something your age." I say, "How about Maroon 5?"

"You just shut your mouth." Eva retorts, "You listen to the Eurythmics for heaven's sake! No other 17 year old listens to them."

"That music's good compared to this trash." I say, handing her the phone back, "And it's 'Eurythmics'. Not 'the Eurythmics'."

I look at my phone. It's 7pm and I have no texts. They must be having fun if they are forgetting about me.

"This is your captain speaking. We are ready for take-off. Please buckle your seatbelts." The man on the intercom says.

I watch the final trucks drive away from the runway and the person in the orange vest waves the plane down the runway. It starts lifting off the ground as I feel pushed back into my seat. I watch New York City disappear into the past as the ocean overtakes the view. After thirty minutes, the ocean is all I can see.

"I don't like this." I say to Eva.

"Come again?" She asks, taking out her earbuds.

"I said, I don't like this!" I repeat.

"Wait, let me guess! You want to be home! With Kathryn and hanging out with your friends."

"Pretty much... and I also don't want the plane to crash in the middle of the ocean."

"Oh, well. That sucks." Then she puts her earbuds back in.

I sigh, then take my pillow out of my bag and lean against the window. I wish I was back in our apartment, eating popcorn, watching Grey's Anatomy. It would be so much better than sleeping on a plane. I send Remi and Kathryn a selfie, with the caption, "miss you guys <3", then put my phone away. I watch the sun disappear over the horizen as I slowly drift off to sleep.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
659 Reviews


Points: 82352
Reviews: 659

Donate
Sun Sep 19, 2021 7:07 pm
View Likes
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey looseleaf!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really great start to the story. You have introduced your character here and set the basic premise of the story. It is obvious that Quinn here is not very thrilled at having to join her family on vacation as she would rather prefer to be with her friends. The first thing you have established with this plot is the relationship between her friends. Quinn is a teenager and it is obvious with her shortness of temper and constant annoyance with the world. Teenagers her age tend to be more drawn towards their friends but Quinn seems to think especially strongly of them. She is willing to miss out on the vacation and is annoyed with her parents for bringing her along.

I also think that you have portrayed her thoughts very well. Her annoyance, irritation and her longing to be with her friends was reflected in every sentence and the short clipped dialogue emphasized on that. On the other hand, I do think that while you have presented her thoughts well, the descriptions were mostly left out. As a result, the chapter feels a little too fast paced and direct. I feel that if you explore the setting or describe her feelings in depth, then the paragraphs will no longer have the rush to them.

Then there is the tense. Initially, the story seems to be set in the present tense. However, as we move on, several times you shift the tense from the past to the present . There were a couple of instances where you started a sentence in the present and ended it in the past tense. These inconsistencies can become a little problematic.

Other than that, this was a good start.

Keep writing and have a great day!




User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 48
Reviews: 99

Donate
Sat Feb 29, 2020 2:27 am
View Likes
Tawsif wrote a review...



I love this, LZpianogirl. I had started reading this because I wanted to review some works of novel, and now I totally love it.

I like the tone you use here. The MC is obviously disappointed that she's going on a bad vacation leaving her friends. So you needed a nonchalant, irritated tone, and you succeeded in doing that brilliantly.

I was a bit confused first when you suddenly switched from Eva to I in the beginning. Then I realized those were two different characters. That's okay, but maybe you can describe Eva a bit from the MC's point of view. That will less confusing and engage your readers more.

You are writing this in the present tense, but at some places you changed tense. Like here, 'Mom answers, then went back to reading.' Maybe you should write '....goes back to writing' instead. There are other places where you suddenly used past tense. You can look into them if you like.

Like I said, I totally love. My attention is intrigued, and I will definitely read, and try to review, the rest of the chapters.




User avatar
453 Reviews


Points: 825
Reviews: 453

Donate
Sat Jan 11, 2020 4:11 am
Lib wrote a review...



Heyo!

I'm here to drop off a quick review. Hope you're well, by the way. :)

Right, so, as soon as you start your chapter, I feel like a five year old is talking. XD Which is adorable, to be honest, but then I soon guessed that Eva has to be older than just five.

A quick suggestion here: Maybe try and add description in between dialogues, before ans after as well? That way your reader gets a better sense of surrounding, ya know what I mean?

And also, it would have been great if you mentioned Eva's age in the beginning because, I was not even kidding, I thought she was five.

Anyways, moving on. I can tel this MC of yours is a teenager, and she is very snappy. She likes to be in her own bubble. Etc. We already know a lot about her! Wonderful!

Ah, a vacation. Summer vacations, huh? We usually spend the summer vacation revising our previous grade, lol. Anywho, we figure out both Eva and Quinn's age now. Thank goodness, because it would have been so awkward to think of Eva as a five year old.

Awe, Quinn is homesick already... Just you wait, girl, the homesickness has barely started. I hate travelling too, so I can relate to Quinn already.

Like neptune said, you should do a quick reread before publishing to avoid minor or maybe major grammar, punctauation, or spelling mistakes. :)

I'm done with my review now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! This seems great so far.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 7955
Reviews: 109

Donate
Sat Jan 04, 2020 8:10 pm
neptune wrote a review...



Hey there! I know this is already out of the green room, but I felt intrigued to review this. The main character has a strong set of emotions and opinions throughout the chapter; she’s annoyed that she has to visit family, leave her home, and go away from her friends. However, I felt like I was left with the question of “why”. We don’t get much detail about Remi and Kathryn, besides that they are her friends, and the only description we get about her relatives that she is visiting is that they are “brainless” and “psycho”. I feel like it could be more dimensional by adding some more detail. I’m assuming they’ll be introduced in future chapters but I don’t think it hurts to have some more backstory on them (or at least keep this in mind when they come into the story). Otherwise the reader doesn’t necessarily have a reason why to dislike certain characters, they are just reading a statement/opinion from the main character.

I think it also wouldn’t hurt to have a few more descriptions. When the mother says

"Stop making so much noise! There are other people around."

the conversation continues to feel a little isolated — perhaps include the surroundings in the story here? Then the reader would get a bigger sense of the environment!

The main character, to me, was almost portrayed as whiny/annoyed for most of the chapter? Although this seemed pretty intentional, to convey that she’s not happy with going on this vacation, I’d suggest incorporating a scene/moment where she’s happier to really contrast her emotions. This would be a good opportunity to write about her friends as well. A flashback or memory of her hanging out with her friends would set the scene of who her friends are, and also her happier side.

I’d also definitely say that a reread is always helpful in getting rid of any punctuation, spelling, or grammar mistakes (that may have already been suggested though!) and a general work of descriptions is helpful for the reader. This is a nice starting point, seeing as it’s the start of a vacation/trip that the main character isn’t too optimistic about! It’s keeping the reader on edge in preparation for her family members, who I’m sure are quite the characters. I hope you found my suggestions helpful! :)




looseleaf says...


Thank you! I will add more detail in future chapters!



User avatar
56 Reviews


Points: 762
Reviews: 56

Donate
Sat Jan 04, 2020 4:24 am
LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hello!
First off nice intro.
As I started reading I actually almost told Quinn that even though he is going to visit crazy relatives, on the positive side he going to London! haha
Any into the rest of the review.

This sentence seemed to stick out a bit so I would suggest a few changes to the structure of the sentence.

Everybody in the waiting area starts to stand up, so mom dashes over to the line to save us a spot. The rest of the family quickly catches up to her. The line was slow moving and it took fifteen minutes for the man at the desk to check our tickets.

Instead I would suggest.

It took fifteen minutes to get through the gate, even though mom ran over to save us a spot when everyone stood up.

Also consider changing the sentence

I claim the window seat, get comfortable, and the flight attendants do their safety instructions.

to

I claimed the window seat and got comfortable while the flight attendants did their safety drill.

lastly i have one more suggestion, if you switch the this one sentence around it reads better.

It starts lifting off the ground as I feel pushed back into my seat.

to

I am pushed back in my seat at the plane lifts off.



I can't wait to see what happens next.
I like the end of this chapter, it leaves you satisfied but still interested and wanting to know what happens next

-Lady Mysterio




looseleaf says...


Thank you! I will definitely consider your suggestions! I think I am trying to tell the story in the first person, and some of your corrections put it into the past tense. I do appreciate your review, though. Have a good 2020!



LadyMysterio says...


Ah yes, i noticed that, if it doesn't fit don't worry about it!



User avatar
111 Reviews


Points: 9075
Reviews: 111

Donate
Sat Jan 04, 2020 3:19 am
View Likes
tgham99 wrote a review...



This was a very easy to read start to what I hope is a longer novel project of yours! I like the narration, and I just want to say that I always enjoy first person over third person omniscient -- it's easier to put myself in the speaker's shoes and makes the entire piece more readable and, in this case, relatable.

The main character is amusing to read, and I love following along with her thought process. This is a good introductory chapter that sets the scene without too much exposition; I'm excited to see what comes next on this family vacation!

That being said, the only real suggestion I have is to go over punctuation a bit; in a couple of places, you use commas where you should use periods such as here:

""Can I have some chips?" Eva whines, "I'm starving!"

Putting a period after "whines" rather than a comma is more in keeping with the grammar rules of novels that I'm familiar with, but this is just a small nit-pick comment. Your grammar slights here and there don't take anything away from the main story, so it's not too big of a deal.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!!

P.S. I LOVE Grey's Anatomy :D




looseleaf says...


Thanks! I'm glad you enjoy it. I will try to fix my punctuation in the next chapter.

P.S I have never watched Grey's Anatomy. My friend said it was good, so I just incorperated it in here :).




snacks are relevant to every situation and your argument is invalid
— LemonTheDorkyPanda