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Gone Away - Chapter One - 797 Words

by LZPianoGirl


CHAPTER ONE

“Tanya!” Mom shouted from upstairs, “Tanya! Are you ready?”

“Yes, I mean, no!” I yelled back, and I could hear mom groan from her room.

I swiftly grabbed the chips off the kitchen counter. Food, clothes, and various papers were strewn about the kitchen. The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers. I stuffed the chips into my bag and returned to the entryway.

The sound of my parents walking down the stairs echoed through the room and catches my attention. I turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs, carrying mom’s suitcase. Mom was following closely behind him.

“Ready to go?” Mom said, touching up her hair. She stopped to look in the mirror and applied another layer of lipstick. Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

“Yup! My bags in the car.” I replied, moving towards dad. Mom mumbled something about how it was “yes” and not “yup” while I asked dad, “Why can’t you come?”

“I told you hun,” Dad patted my head, “I have to work. Baron Business Center isn’t going to run itself!”

I nodded and opened the front door. My dad was given the BBC by his father when he retired. Dad worked long hours and went on multiple long business trips a year, but apparently that’s part of being a CEO.

“Bye James,” Mom kissed dad on the cheek and hugged him.

“See you soon,” Dad pulled out of the hug and handed mom her bag. She opened the front door and motioned for me to go to the car. I walked down the asphalt driveway and entered the passenger seat of mom’s sedan.

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car. She and dad hug one more time, then she starts moving to the car. Dad calls after her to call him when we arrive and she gives him a thumbs up.

She opens the door and sets her purse in between the seats. Mom throws her bag next to mine and starts the car.

“Let the adventure begin!” She exclaims, “Hopefully we don’t miss the plane.”

As mom pulled out of the driveway, I waved to dad and asked, “What type of plane is it?”

“It’s some old private jet,” the car turned a corner, “Fits about ten people.”

“And why are we taking it across the ocean?” I opened my chips.

“Normal airplanes are nasty, even first class. There’s no legroom.”

xXx

“We’re going to be late!” Mom said as we dashed through the airport.

“Maybe it’s because we stopped for Starbucks,” I mumbled, but mom didn’t hear me.

“There’s Terminal C!” We turned and came to a stop. The airport windows let plenty of light in, nearly blinding us. Through the sunlight, I can see a white and gold plane. It looks as if it couldn’t even carry two people, let alone ten. The exterior is aged and paint is flaking off.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”

“Don’t say that word! It looks fine.” Mom replied, walking to the ticket lady. She quickly scanned our tickets and rushed us to the plane. We entered it, which seemed to be straight out of the 1970s: stained red carpet, cringe-worthy furniture, and the only stewardess is dressed in hideous colors.

The only perk was that the seats were facing each other, like booths at a restaurant. I take a seat across from mom and buckle the seat belt.

“Isn’t this neat?” Mom grinned, “This is what planes were like when I was your age. At 14, I had been on only one plane, but it was fantastic. Look! There’s a table!”

Mom shook the table as if to show it off to me.

“Cool, mom,” I said, looking out the window, “How long is this trip?”

“The plane ride is six and a half hours, then our stay in Greece two weeks. I can’t wait!” Mom was smiling from ear to ear, “I can’t believe Janice is getting married! Oh, I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby. You both were just so cute.”

“Apparently. I can’t remember anything until I was 7, so I guess she was 17 then.” I pulled my hood over my head as the plane taxied to the runway, “I’m going to take a nap, wake me up when we get there.”

“Goodnight, dear,”


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Fri Jun 26, 2020 10:14 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)

I saw somewhere that you'd asked for some reviews and I was looking for a story to read. So here I am.

First Impression: A tad bit rushed there to start off. A bit more description here and there would probably help slow the pacing down a bit. At the moment it feels like its moving a little to fast. But let's take a closer look.

“Tanya!” Mom shouted from upstairs, “Tanya! Are you ready?”

“Yes, I mean, no!” I yelled back, and I could hear mom groan from her room.

I swiftly grabbed the chips off the kitchen counter. Food, clothes, and various papers were strewn about the kitchen. The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers. I stuffed the chips into my bag and returned to the entryway.


The start is good. It's not too attention grabby but it isn't boring either which is good.

The sound of my parents walking down the stairs echoed through the room and catches my attention. I turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs, carrying mom’s suitcase. Mom was following closely behind him.


Little tense issue there. It should be caught.

“Ready to go?” Mom said, touching up her hair. She stopped to look in the mirror and applied another layer of lipstick. Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.


First of all that should be something along the lines of that was not counting.
Second as far as character introductions go this isn't the most effective way to do it. You should describe a couple of her features too so that the reader can get an image of her.

“Yup! My bags in the car.” I replied, moving towards dad. Mom mumbled something about how it was “yes” and not “yup” while I asked dad, “Why can’t you come?”


Either that's supposed to be bag's or it should be My bags are in.

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car. She and dad hug one more time, then she starts moving to the car. Dad calls after her to call him when we arrive and she gives him a thumbs up.


Okay this whole paragraph and the next are in a different tense from the rest of the story. So it reads a bit weirdly. I think you should switch it all to past tense or change the rest of the story to match this.

“We’re going to be late!” Mom said as we dashed through the airport.

“Maybe it’s because we stopped for Starbucks,” I mumbled, but mom didn’t hear me.


That's a nice little line there.

“There’s Terminal C!” We turned and came to a stop. The airport windows let plenty of light in, nearly blinding us. Through the sunlight, I can see a white and gold plane. It looks as if it couldn’t even carry two people, let alone ten. The exterior is aged and paint is flaking off.


Here you don't have to say that it's aged. The fact that the paint is flaking off already tells the reader that. So chop that part.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”


Why was this plane ever cleared to fly?

“Isn’t this neat?” Mom grinned, “This is what planes were like when I was your age. At 14, I had been on only one plane, but it was fantastic. Look! There’s a table!”


That's a pretty clever way to mention her age.

“Apparently. I can’t remember anything until I was 7, so I guess she was 17 then.” I pulled my hood over my head as the plane taxied to the runway, “I’m going to take a nap, wake me up when we get there.”

“Goodnight, dear,”


Well not the most suspenseful ending but it does make you look forward to what's going to happen next so good job on that.

And that's it for that.

Overall: Pretty decent first chapter. Maybe slow it down just a little bit and stretch this into two longer scenes but other than that the characters seem to have some personality. They aren't very unique yet but then it is still the first chapter. And that's all I have to say.

And of course remember to take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the wonderful review! I really appreciate it!



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!!



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Thu Jun 18, 2020 6:32 am
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Cow wrote a review...



Ok, so. There's a lot that I notice that needs fixing, but that's ok! Improvement is always good!

I'll start with the bad first, get that out of the way. To be honest, it seems rather choppy, like you are rushing the plot. The description seems to be quick, it doesn't seem to allow the reader anytime to understand what the character's setting looks like, even if it is just for a short amount of time. There's no proper picture forming in my head of what the mother looks likes, what the dad or even how she looks. Take time to develop your characters, allow them to grow, and convey them through actions.

For example, with a character of mine, Warren.

Ex - It had started raining then, the pattering of it against the window had made my thoughts freeze for a second but then Vincent had brought me back to reality as my eyes stayed glued to the glass.

This shows the reader that the rain has some importance to him, affecting his thought process enough to make him pause and forget where he was, informing them that it may be associated with bad memories or other important ones. His eyes staying to the glass let them know as well that he is wary, unsure of the situation, even though he knows he's safe.

Use small details to convey your character, how they walk, talk, and react to certain situations. Give subtle hints! Don't be afraid to foreshadow. Take time to develop your characters and learn their personalities, it will help you write them in a smoother manner!

Another thing, you repeat words like Mom a lot and don't have names capitalized. Mom and Dad are names/nouns, so capitalize them!!! Mom is repeated a lot, so don't be afraid to use she, her, the woman, the lady that birthed me, etc. Just make sure it fits your character, that it's something that they would say!

Dialogue needs work since it seems to be bland, straight forward. It doesn't flow very well but I still struggle with that as well. Try saying your dialogue out loud, like you are in that conversation. It should help with the flow, and don't be afraid to add action when talking! I'll give you an example that I'm just gonna whip on up.

Ex - "Um, I'm not..." I paused looking at Vincent then at Marylin, who seemed to be holding her breath. "Vincent, I appreciate the concern but it's none of your business for the time being."

Putting actions in between dialogue, like looking from character to character, moving something around, taking a sip of a drink, just about anything a normal person would do when in a conversation, is good-to-use to add some spice!

Don't be afraid to look at books as well to help you understand different ways of writing dialogue. It really helps you get a grip on what you want when it comes to speaking, not to mention descriptive text and actions and everything else in between.

Otherwise, I'm curious as to where the story is going. Why the daughter seems a bit offish with both of her parents and why is the plane the way it is? You seem to be decent at keeping things interesting. Just add some description, spice up the dialogue, and work on your characters' personalities so that they aren't saltine crackers for too much longer!

-Cow




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it!



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Fri May 22, 2020 11:23 pm
Liberty wrote a review...



Hey Lucy!

Hope you're doing well and I hope you enjoyed that burger. xD I'm here for a review so let's get right to it, shall we?

The only reason I came back here is because I liked 'Wish I Was Home' so I came back for some more of your work! Let's see what you treat us with this time. :)

Tanya seems like a typical person, which I love, because it's very easy to relate with typical people most of the time. That's probably the main thing I like about any story - the main character has to be easy to relate to.

Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

* two hundred dollars - It's always suggested to write out the numbers.

“Yup! My bags in the car.”

*bag's

I fling my carry-on bag behind me and wait for mom to enter the car.

*flung - You might want to watch out for your tenses in the later part of your story.

As mom pulled out of the driveway, I waved to dad and asked, “What type of plane is it?"

This sounds as if Tanya is waving to Dad and asking him the question. So probably add 'Mom' after 'asked'.

There’s no legroom.”

Lol okay xD

Oh well the plane doesn't look luxurious and it looks as if it's barely standing up so let's hope it doesn't crash! And we're going to a wedding! That's going to be super exciting - I wonder what'll happen there... owo

Alright, that's it for my review! Hopefully this helped in some sort of way. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm going to read the next chapter tomorrow right after we're done doing more planning for the new DTWH.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty




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Fri May 22, 2020 1:17 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there Lucy! Tuck here to give you a quick review tonight.

Overall, I like the family dynamic that you've established here. You have a relatable protagonist that I (and many other young adults) can connect with -- one who is disgruntled with her life and her parents, but still enjoys the privilege of being upper-middle-class. I think you've laid the potential for a complex and emotional relationship between Tanya and her mother, as well as potential for marital conflict/strife and an interesting relationship with her father.

That being said, I did notice that you had a tendency to info-dump in some places. The two I noticed were here:

Just by looking at mom, you can tell why dad married her. She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

Rather than stating that "she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom", you can describe her physical features and let the reader come to their own conclusion about her beauty. You can describe a time when Tanya's mom took care of her, or how the house was always perfectly neat and clean, or something else to give the information they need to come to that same conclusion.

My dad was given the BBC by his father when he retired. Dad worked long hours and went on multiple long business trips a year, but apparently that’s part of being a CEO.

This is slightly more subtle than the previous one, but there are still better ways to incorporate this information. You can mention that he often misses family dinners because he stays late, or that he often missed weekend activities or sporting games or social functions because of his work. You could mention memories that Tanya has where her dad isn't present because of a business trip. Finally, the reader doesn't need to know that Tanya's dad received the BBC from his father. That information can wait for a future chapter so that you don't overwhelm the reader with information within the first few paragraphs.

I hope these comments were helpful for you, and if you have any questions about my review please feel free to reach out!

Best,
Tuck




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the great review, Tuck!



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Thu May 21, 2020 7:58 pm
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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hi Lucy!

I am here for a quick review.
I felt this was a nice and light hearted opening chapter. Tanya sounds like a fun and carefree girl. We just got a glimpse into their life and I think I am already interested in knowing more about her character in the following chapters.

The white counters were covered by passports, bills, and my dads’ work papers.

dad's Small typo.

She isn’t the most intelligent of people, but she is beautiful and makes a good stay-at-home mom. She always had to look perfect, from her head to her toes. Today, her dress and accessories were probably worth $200, and that doesn’t count her shoes.

Haha, I like how you introduced Mom. She sounds like a beauty queen. I hope she's a funny character.

“Mom, that plane looks like sh*t.” I said, “There’s metal about to fall right off!”

I hope it won't crash lol

We entered it, which seemed to be straight out of the 1970s: stained red carpet, cringe-worthy furniture, and the only stewardess is dressed in hideous colors.

Not a very luxurious flight. :P

So finally at the end we got to know a little information about what's possibly ahead of us. You are taking us to a wedding :D. There is written suspense and mystery written in your description of novel. So I am filled with excitement what all things will happen now. There's a lot that could go wrong in a wedding, a lot of drama and a lot fun. (Pardon my silly imaginations)

Overall it's a nice start. I will be looking forward to read more. I am expecting a lot from this story.

Keep writing :)




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review!! I love your guesses and will tag you when I post Ch. 2! <3



Hkumar says...


Yess



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Mon May 18, 2020 6:43 pm
madisonperkins59 wrote a review...



I don't think the comma is needed after "turn around to see Dad walking down the stairs" but I'm not sure. Some of the sentences that have commas in them I don't really think they are necessary.

And when you said, Dad worked long hours change that to He works long hours.

Change "she and dad" to they it makes more sense.

Remove the comma that is after Through the sunlight and just have that be one sentence

"I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby." should be I remember when she was little and you were just a baby.

I enjoyed reading your story! Remember these are just some suggestions that I think would work but if you don't think so you don't have to make any changes.




LZPianoGirl says...


Thanks for the review! By the way, you can quote certain parts by copying and pasting the part you want to mention in between
and [*/quote] (without the *). It ends up like this:
"I remember when she was little, and you were just a baby."

Anyways, thanks for the review! I appreciate it!



LZPianoGirl says...


oof I mean [*quote] and [*/quote] without the *





@LZPianoGirl How did you get it like that?



LZPianoGirl says...


So you put the words you want to quote (let's say.... reading) in between [*quote] and [*/quote] but without the stars*. So, if you do that, it should look like this:
reading



LZPianoGirl says...


This is the link to all the YWS codes: The Big Book of YWS Codes




I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25