Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This one was slightly confusing as to what exactly the plot is but as some kind of prologue maybe this actually did a really good job of building some great mystery and grabbing the reader's attention. Its really got some pretty neat descriptions and some of the language you use definitely asks a lot of questions.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Excuse me Miss, you can come in now."

Okay bit a vague opening line but it at least does promise that something will happen which is good to see.

A sutle voice just merely over a whisper led me down the hall of endless florescent lighting. I slowly lifted my head above an old magazine. I stopped kicking into the shag carpeting and began to walk into the broken cave of hostility. One would say I've been here two times too many. One would say I come here apathetically against my will, or simply to please only one person never caring about the brokenness around me. The aroma of sickness filled the air and found it's way to my nostrils. I didn't even have to take a second glance to know the pain sealed in these walls. It was as if every person that was there, for whatever reason, was all crying out for the one same reason the whole place cried out for. If depression was a scent, it wouldn't dare lurk any place but here.

I think that you should be using subtle there. And hmm that's a really interesting passage that you've got there I honestly feel like that line is completely unnecessary if you've got a paragraph like that as the follow up. You do a wonderful job of really building a very interesting picture with that paragraph and that sets the whole story up pretty nicely.

I finally reached the last room at the end of the hall. The nurse led me in with her hypocritical warm smile, like I was walking into a bakery or something, instead of a patients room. I gazed down at the face I once knew below me. An unbarring tension built up inside me that was now running rapidly through my veins. Right then and there I wanted to give him the world, I wanted to give him a river he could splash in while feeling the crisp wind brush between his fingers and whisper in his ear. I was reaching for a disappearing star, I knew it was there looking down on me. I wanted to touch it, I wanted to grasp it, I wanted to take it down from the sky and hug it close to me. The stars were starting to sleep, and the sun was waking up. I felt there was no hope in me ever reaching that star. Awkwardly, at the same time, I had to keep reaching for it no matter what. As I thought about all of this, he blankly stared up at me. His face was no different then the white wall behind him.

Some really interesting metaphors in that one. It really does a wonderful job of building up this very interesting image inside one's head and it tells you a lot about what is going on in this story.

Every story begins with words. Every song begins with a rhythm. Every dream begins with an imagination. Every thought begins with a soul. To hear my rhythm, to read my words, to see my dreams, and to feel my soul I'd have to take you back to the beginning. Back before any of this even happened. Back to the memories so close in the distance. I'd have to freeze time itself, draw in a deep breath, and trace back to the very first footstep.

And that is quite a lovely ending. It promises so much and this almost feels like the prologue to what could be a pretty amazing story. I am definitely going to try and see if there is a part 2 to this so that we can understand what she means here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a fun little piece of writing to read and I enjoyed it for the most part. I wish that it was a bit clearer as to what exactly is happening but overall it was still pretty good.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

A sutle voice just merely over a whisper led me down the hall of endless florescent lighting.

Yet somehow she's still sitting? Don't be so abstract, it takes away more than it adds in this case.

Overall, reading this short piece...it felt awkward. Like, have you ever been around somebody who was trying so hard to fit in that they just didn't? Well, with this it seemed like you were trying so hard to sound thoughfull and deep that you just...didn't. No offence. It seemed overdone, a little cliche, and didn't have any stroy in it that I could find.

Even thought it's just the beginning there are still several things you have to add to make it a true story.

Give us a character, a real character. Right now, whoever it is seems so abstract that she isn't real to me yet. She's in a hospital, tell me why. There are ways to tell the story without giving away the plot, it's not easy, but if you think about it, I'm sure you'll find a way.

Give me a story to read. A scene, some emotion from the character herself, thoughts, anything to make it seem real. After all, have you ever not been you, not had feelings or thoughts? I somehow doubt that's possible, so why should your character be able to do it.

You have a good skeleton of what could be great, so fill it in a bit. A prologue doesn't have to be short. Don't worry about breaking the rules a bit, that's half the fun

-JC