this is my first short story and i wrote it in under an hour. Bombard me with constructive criticism please!
The sound of rain. the mixture of physical pain a heart full of sorrow and the cold weather felt eternally relaxing. I had nearly decided on the manner in which i should end my life that i lost track of my thoughts. Time stopped. Silence dominated.
strange shapes appeared in my vision. i closed my eyes Just to open them to a new world of strange appearance. The land beneath my foot was nurturing and soft. trees reaching the clouds. Dark violet sky and shining blue rays of an electrifying sun that made my body feel indestructible. A silent moment that felt like a thousand life times.
‘ Welcome home aleYa ‘ said a familiar voice
- Who are you
- You do not remember. it is not relevant
- where am i
- you refused to live life fully. You craved freedom. This place will help you find what you seek.
I had many questions to ask But the sheer amount of questions allowed no speech to come out of my mouth. I looked up to her. Her big shining purple eyes made me feel truly like a child. A very beloved child.
Follow me she said as she started to move as though she was floating.
We reached a cave and she stopped
- Your journey begins here she said softly
- What do you mean ?
- you will enter this cave and you will be illuminated. your decision after that will take you where you belong.
I would kiss her forehead if i could reach it. But I could not. i said goodbye to her and left the feeling of her warmth presence to begin my way unto the darkness of the cave.
I was walking slowly in the dark
And suddenly a golden ball of light appeared before me. taking over my mind by his radiation. I saw vividly every single event of my life. Every sensation i felt. Every person i met. But that was not all. he could show me every possible thing that could have happened.
I began to see alternative lives and alternative versions of me. And i saw how easily I could achieve the things so desired by many and be miserable still.
I could see now clearly what i felt before. That my sorrow is my treasure. Upon this realization the visions stopped. The light ball turned into a majestic white lion
the lion roared and the sound wave dematerialized everything. Including me . I felt myself as wave of sound and as a child of the lions roar.
I woke up to my cold and hurt body. It was no longer raining. Everything appeared to be the same as it was before my timeless journey of a thousand years. Except my heart. Though it was still overflowing with sorrow. It loved it’s sorrow now. And I could feel that this love will eventually conquer sorrow!
I absolutely adore this idea! The fact that the character could see the lives they might have lived, rather than just the life they had lived really stood out to me.
I also love the fact that their 'vision' doesn't fix the sorrow and hurt; it just helps her to accept it.
Another thing I loved was the imagery used to describe the 'vision world' it was so well written, and I could picture it very clearly in my mind.
In conclusion, great job!
Hello, here is a review
Your story is beautiful. It's amazing that you write this story only in one hour. You put your ideas and thoughts very well. Sorrow and happiness are the parts of life. If people have happiness in their life then they are good. But their came sorrow in their life they became saddened.Acceptance of sorrow is best thing. At every part of life we came through different trials. With these trails we do so much things.In the story the lesson is given that you never get rid of sorrows you live by them by whole life. You go through these sorrows at their times
Good Morning/ Afternoon/ Evening/ Night whichever one it is when you see this. I hope this finds you well.
Apologies in advance for any weird spelling because I'm on my phone and I can't type to save my life on this thing.
Anyways, onto the story.
I loved the message that you're trying to convey here. Its a little bit rough around the edges in terms of a couple of sentences here and there but overall this looks wonderful and I adore what its trying to say here.
The idea of what seems like some sort of spiritual or divine force going ahead and providing hope here is a powerful image. I especially loved how this ends with the person simply learning to accept the sorrow and live with it and then learning to love themselves and having hope for healing through that. Its much more powerful than if everything was alright immediately.
I think you do a great job showing the journey. Naturally its quite quick because this is a pretty short story but I think it still conveys quite a bit of depth through the imagery you use here.
Overall this piece does need a second look through. The flow is a little jagged in places with some of the transitions being a touch abrupt. But for the most part this is telling a wonderful story and doing it pretty well.
And that's about all I've gotta say.
As always, take what you think was helpful and ignore the rest.
Stay safe :)
Harry
Wow! I can't believe that this was written in only an hour! It seems like you were trying to connect emotions with their feelings. Honestly, I was really surprised. I could Imagine the story playing in my head! You also had a lot of great thoughts In the story. One thing I didn't really understand though was the way it seemed unedited. I know this isn't really something you should worry about, But honestly I feel like you should revise the story over again.
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