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16+ Violence

Nuclear Patriotism - Daniel

by Kingly342


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

"Woke up on Monday 14th, November, 2016 at 6:00 in the morning (am). Had a bowl of cereal. Showered. Left the house at 9:00 in the morning (am). Arrived at work at 10:30 in the morning (am). Sat at my desk at 10:35am. Began work at 10:38am"

Daniel sat in his chair and started typing. He was a police hacker. He had just been instructed to attempt to hack wireless communications between alleged American spies hiding out in Brisbane, Sydney and Hobart. As he typed, another officer turned on the Television they had in the office and out on the news. It was just typical morning news, a dog is lost, child goes missing.

Time passes, and eventually the news changes from its typical morning news style and more serious stories are reported. There'd been a mass murder in Perth. He finally hacked into the comms network the 'spies' had. Most of it was just propaganda and other bullshit, until he found…

…Oh god.

"Alarms ring at 4:00pm, major cities began evacuation. Parliament House hit at 6:30pm. Sydney hit at 6:32pm. Brisbane hit at 6:35pm. Perth hit at 6:37pm. Adelaide hit at 6:42pm. Hobart hit at 6:50pm. Missile strikes. Nuclear. Fallout. Radiation"

4:01pm.

The alarms were ringing loud. People were running through the streets in a frenzy. The police were instructed to evacuate the city. Daniel ran past a group of people and jumped into his car. He drove through the streets, avoiding other cars and people running onto the road. He parked outside of his house and ran inside. He turned on the TV and ran into his bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag. He then ran into the kitchen and threw some things into it.

5:30pm

"We're getting reports that the US has just launched nuclear missiles against France and England. The Government has just initiated evacuation procedures in every major city around the country."

Daniel finished throwing things into his bag, he then turned off the TV, and ran to his car. He didn't lock the door, heck, he didn’t need to. He drove down crowded streets in an attempt to leave the city. He knew that it'd get hit. He turned on his police radio.

"Euclydes this is Wendigo come in, over"

"This is Euclydes, what is it Wendigo? Over"

"We've got mass looting in the Fairfield-Cabramatta area, orders? Over"

"Just leave it Wendigo, get down to Town Hall as fast as you can, apparently there's a situation over at the Bunker, over"

6:10pm.

The evacuation buses start leaving the area. Daniel stayed in his car. He was near Blacktown now. He still has far to go. He turned his radio back on.

"WENDIGO THIS IS PAPPA, DO YOU COPY? OVER"

"Pappa this is Wendigo! What’s going on?"

"We have rioters at the Weapons Bunker in Parramatta! We need backup right now! Over"

"Sorry Pappa, we've been ordered to stay at the Government Bunker in Town Hall. I'll try to get Euclydes to come down, over"

6:29pm.

He turns his radio on again.

"Columbian Prince this is Rocket Man, do you copy?"

"This is Columbian Prince, what's the problem?"

"He have civilians outside Parliament House asking to be let into the---"

"Rocket Man? Rocket Man!?"

"------"

"ROCKET MAN? DO YOU COPY?!

"-----"

At 6:30pm on Monday the 14th of December, Parliament House and Canberra was hit by a 57 kiloton nuclear weapon. Daniel turned off his radio.

6:32pm.

Central Sydney was hit by a nuclear weapon. Daniel saw the cloud from where he was. He was near the Blue Mountains. Hopefully, he'll be safe from the fallout. He felt the rumbling too. He was inside a building. A tourism lodge or something. He was there with a group of others; Michael, a tourist, Haley and her daughter Jamie, Earl and his wife Charlene and Ivan and Eliza, twins. Earl said they should keep moving. Michael said they should stay at the lodge.

Daniel ends the argument by saying they should stay here for the night and argue again tomorrow.

7:00pm.

Daniel couldn't sleep. There were slight rumbles and flashes coming from the explosions. He turned his radio back on.

"Hello?! This is Wendigo! Is anyone there? I repeat, this is Wendigo, is anybody there?"

"Wendigo? This is Daniel, Police hacker"

"Daniel? Where are you? God this is terrible"

"I'm at a lodge in the Blue Mountains, where are you?"

"We're somewhere near the Hawkesbury. Pappa couldn't secure the weapons bunker in Parramatta. Euclydes is K.I.A. I don't know what to do"

"Gerald! Take your squad here. You might be safe here. I'll send you our location.

Sunday 26th, November, 2016. 4:21pm.

Wendigo finally arrived. Daniel walked outside to greet them. Gerald told Daniel what happened as they travelled here. Originally, Wendigo had five members, Gerald (their leader), Ronald, Leanne, Jean and Wendell. Ronald died before they arrived at the Hawkesbury river. They travelled West and ended up in Hornsby. Wendell was killed by some looters in Hornsby.

They then travelled further west, and Jean was shot in the foot by a bandit. The remaining troopers soon made their way through Blacktown before travelling to the Blue Mountains by way of the B59. They then arrived at the Lodge.

6:01pm.

Michael and Earl begin fighting again.

"We should leave this damn lodge!" Earl cried.

"Why? We're safe here!" Michael replied.

"You know why! Nuclear attacks leave fallout. All it takes is a gust of wind to bring all that fallout in this direction!"

"If we leave, we may never find anywhere safe again!"

"Better that than dying of radiation poisoning!"

Daniel sighed. Earl was right, they should leave.

"We should leave, Michael" Daniel said.

"What!? You're agreeing with him now?" Michael screamed.

"Yes. We leave tomorrow. You can stay if you want"

Daniel walked away.

Monday 27th, November, 2016. 5:19am.

Daniel packs some bags and puts them in a car. He gathered all of the residents in the common room. Michael, Haley and Jamie decided to stay. Daniel took his seat in the Tourism Van while he waited for everyone else to get in. He turned on his radio. Nothing.

People inside the van:

-Me (Daniel)

-Gerald

-Leanne

-Earl

-Charlene

-Jean

-Ivan

-Eliza.

There were enough seats, luckily. I just hope there's enough fuel to get us somewhere near our destination, Alice Springs. The tank's full, it should last…

Daniel started the car.

8:10am.

Driving down a highway. Some crashed cars on the side. They drove past an evacuation bus, a crashed evacuation bus. Daniel doesn't know how that happened. A few corpses around the road as well.

"Daniel!" Earl cried.

"What?" Daniel said.

"People on bikes, to our left!"

Daniel looked to his left to see a group of motorcyclists with guns following them. They started to shoot at the van, and hit a tyre. Daniel swerved out of control.


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User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 6
Reviews: 5

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Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:27 pm
Mayureshb wrote a review...



hi mayuresh here, i came down for a review.
firstly i really appreciate the way that you have created an urgency into the topic. it really is a skill full task. i am sure it took a whole lot of effort to actually think of a situation creating an urgency feel of a crysis a situation which needs to be acted upon quickly that too a scene of a nuclear disaster which i am sure people today will only hear of stories only. caliberating the aspects in one story is indeed a massive achievement itself because you really need to put yourself in that situation in order to write on it.
although there are a few issues which i would like to highlight firstly,
1) please don't use abusive words like bullshit i think that won't be appreciated
2) what's there to include those radio conversations its really boring for someone who isn't
much familiar with these sort of activities. try to include people from every from all corners to read your article. this will help increase your listeners.
3) your essay is more or less a like a play, you have highlighted all scenes which is honestly very tiresome to read.

4)i think you really need to put stress in ending the article in a good note. this one seems very incomplete it creates an ineterest but will leave others with a lot of questions to asked.
better you create a problem half article and the rest half try to solve it. it would be a much better alternative.
5) include a third person to say it out instead of writing the dialouges.
these are a few issues you need polishing upon.
but the most important thing keep writing that is what will keep you improving.
i hope my review will be of some usefulness.
happy writing




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41 Reviews


Points: 2856
Reviews: 41

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Thu Jan 19, 2017 8:07 am
SteppeVesteffi wrote a review...



Hello,

Gotta say, I feel a bit conflicted about this one. Parts of it were really quite good; others, less so. First, I'll start with the positives.

I like the premise. This sort of action story—especially an action short story—can be very, very hard to pull off, and it seems like you know your way around this terrain. The intensity of it, the wild uncertainty and danger, were present throughout the story. The tone is frantic, as it should be, pulling the reader anxiously along as Daniel flees from chaos and certain death. It's chaotic and it's messy, and, because of the subject matter, it should be.

I also appreciated how you broke it up a bit with the occasional journal entry of sorts, straight from Daniel. That's a neat way to get inside your character's head when writing in third-person; I only wish you would've done that more often, because as it stands, Daniel wasn't terrifically well-developed (though in fairness, having a terrifically well-developed character in a short story is a challenge), and I felt like those entries were squandered, somewhat.

I really liked the ending—ambiguous, cliffhanger, edge-of-your-seat endings are a favorite of mine, and yours was just that. It left me wanting more.

Now, for some constructive criticism: First of all, this did feel a little... well, I hesitate to use the word "derivative," because using derivative as a criticism is, itself, derivative. But eh, screw it: This piece definitely felt derivative. That's the issue with this type of story—the world-war, action/adventure story. It's been done so many times before that it's hard to write something within that genre that doesn't feel stale. Daniel—or at least, the little scraps that readers know of him—came off like yet another Generic Action Hero. He didn't have that zeal of newness or inventive shine, you know? His presence felt purely perfunctory.

There was also an almost tragic lack of description in this piece. I agree with what Squirtlepowiee had to say, about the missed opportunities: smelling the smoke, hearing the explosions, seeing the corpses, as well as just the general discord of the city all could've been described beautifully, heartbreakingly, and would've gone a long way to improving this story. That, as well as more emotion and feeling on Daniel's part.

One of my biggest gripes with this piece is the overall way its written. It seems that you're speeding through it, writing more of a play-by-play overview than an actual, proper story. At times, it's written more like a summary of a book than an actual book—due, in no small part, to a lack of what I mentioned before (imagery, character thoughts/feelings, etc). It doesn't feel like we, the readers, are witnessing the action so much as being told action took place, after the fact. And that's really not terribly fun.

Anyway, onto some nitpicks and comments and such:

Had a bowl of cereal.

Well, it is the most important meal of the day. (Admittedly, I heard this line in a deep, gruff, manly-man voice, and there's something hysterical—at least to me—about that sort of voice saying, with utter intensity and seriousness, "Had a bowl of cereal." But I digress...)

Daniel sat in his chair and started typing. He was a police hacker. He had just been instructed to attempt to hack wireless communications between alleged American spies hiding out in Brisbane, Sydney and Hobart. As he typed, another officer turned on the Television they had in the office and out on the news. It was just typical morning news, a dog is lost, child goes missing.

This is a deeply flawed opening paragraph. For one thing, it's a bit rushed. For another, you state Daniel's line of work immediately, with no preamble, no subtlety... it's just sort of there. You do the same thing with the next bit, telling us plainly what's going on and what he's researching. It's not great, to say the least. You don't have to spoon-feed the reader—let that information come forward naturally, organically. Putting out some flatly-written background info as soon as a piece begins won't enchant readers, I'll tell you that for free.
(Also: the comma after "morning news" should be a colon.)

People were running through the streets in a frenzy. The police were instructed to evacuate the city. Daniel ran past a group of people and jumped into his car. He drove through the streets, avoiding other cars and people running onto the road. He parked outside of his house and ran inside. He turned on the TV and ran into his bedroom, grabbing a duffel bag. He then ran into the kitchen and threw some things into it.

The repetition... it burns...
Gotta try to vary that language. If you're stuck, look up synonyms for the word giving you (or your reader) grief—which, in this case, would be 'ran/running,' 'people,' 'streets'...
And this is another example of what I was talking about before: See how you say "the people were running through the streets in a frenzy"? You're telling rather than showing. Don't just say they were in a frenzy, show us. What are they doing, exactly? How are they acting? I want details.
(Also, you say he "ran into the kitchen" and then "threw some things" into his bag. What kind of things? What would he be retrieving from his kitchen, a toaster and some canned peaches? I DEMAND ANSWERS.)

We're getting reports that the US has just launched nuclear missiles against France and England.

Dammit America, can you go two seconds without shooting something? Just two seconds! You know, England I can understand—look at the history between you guys—but France?? France has been good to you! What about the Statue of Liberty? Did you forget about the Statue of Liberty?? She doesn't have to put up with this!

Daniel finished throwing things into his bag, he then turned off the TV, and ran to his car.

Change the comma after "bag" to a period, and strike the comma following "TV" altogether. Also, you still haven't told us what these "things" are he's throwing in his bag. And you used the word "ran" again. Change it up a bit—hell, go crazy and use the word "jogged" or "sprinted." Maybe even, if you're feeling adventurous, "galloped." Or "sashayed." Something.

He didn't lock the door, heck, he didn’t need to.

Is this line necessary? I think we can figure out he doesn't need to lock the door. When the nuclear missiles come out, the last thing that's gonna be on my mind is a burglar.

He drove down crowded streets in an attempt to leave the city. He knew that it'd get hit.

This is confusingly written. Perhaps try, "He drove down crowded streets in an attempt to leave the city, which he knew would get hit."

"Euclydes this is Wendigo come in, over"

"This is Euclydes, what is it Wendigo? Over"

"We've got mass looting in the Fairfield-Cabramatta area, orders? Over"

You need a period at the end of alllll of these. You make this make several more times throughout the story as well.

The evacuation buses start leaving the area. Daniel stayed in his car. He was near Blacktown now. He still has far to go. He turned his radio back on.

You change tenses here, as you do other times throughout the story. Pick past-tense or present-tense and stick with it. (For what's it worth, I think a story like this would benefit from being written in present. That would really transport readers right into the moment.)

He was there with a group of others; Michael, a tourist, Haley and her daughter Jamie, Earl and his wife Charlene and Ivan and Eliza, twins. Earl said they should keep moving. Michael said they should stay at the lodge. Daniel ends the argument by saying they should stay here for the night and argue again tomorrow.

Daniel's awfully sassy for someone who just narrowly escaped death.
Anyway, lots of gripes here. First of all, the semicolon following "others" should be a colon. Second, I really, really don't think you need to state all of these characters' names and their relationships to one another, especially considering most of them barely make an appearance in this story. And this is yet another example of what I was talking about earlier: you give us a summary of what transpires between these people ("Earl said they should keep moving. Michael said they should stay at the lodge.") but don't show us the conflict, don't dig deep and describe how these people feel about being suddenly thrust together in the midst of all this. There's no emotion, no depth, to any of it. That's the drawback of summarizing so much of your story.

Daniel couldn't sleep.

Shocking.

So that's about everything. What's frustrating to me about this piece is that it has the ability to be really, really good—it's just rough. It requires quite a bit of smoothing and TLC to make it shine, but I'd encourage you to give a rewrite a shot. I think it's worth it.

Nice work overall :)




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39 Reviews


Points: 1872
Reviews: 39

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Thu Jan 19, 2017 12:10 am
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Haiii!

First of all, nice story. I love how each paragraph flows into the next. I like stories with excitement and "deadlines" (if you know what I mean xD).

A few things I found to be a bit chunky:
"Time passes, and eventually the news changes from its typical morning news style and more serious stories are reported." Try, "Time passes, and eventually the news change from its typical morning style to more serious stories." The word "news" is repeated too much.

"He still has far to go." Maybe it's the way I'm use to hearing others speak, but this sentence sounds kind of off. Try, He still had a long way to go."

"Gerald! Take your squad here. You might be safe here. I'll send you our location." "Here" is repetitive. Try, "Take your squad here. I think this location is safe."

"Michael and Earl begin fighting again." I think you can make this sentence more interesting by adding some description. If you want to keep it that way, then "begin" should be "began" and again should be taken away.

"People on bikes, to our left!" Daniel looked to his left to see a group of motorcyclists with guns following them. They started to shoot at the van, and hit a tyre. Daniel swerved out of control." Motorcyclists or bikes? Also, "tyre" should be "tire".

Overall, you should add more description and adjectives. Make your reader feel like they are smelling the smoke, hearing the explosions, seeing the blood corpses, and feeling the desperation. Great work, and keep on writing!

~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D





You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, "Nothing happens to you, it happens for you." See the positive in negative events.
— Joel Osteen