Young Writers Society

Hey there KenjiB. Welcome to YWS and congratulations on publishing your first piece. If you want to keep posting parts of this story to the site then you will have to start doing some reviews. To provide the most help to writers and continue funding this novel, us moderators often recommend that you start with The YWS Critique Sandwich.

Onto the actual novel part being presented before me, there are many technical issues that I have to address before I get anywhere near the content. Presentation highly matters within a piece of writing as readers will often scan the page before beginning any intensive reading. And when they flip open to this page, all they will see is one long block of text with few stopping points. You shouldn´t have everything pushed together like you do currently - especially because there are moments of dialogue on some of the lines.

Dialogue needs to be separated from the rest of your narration. Those are distinct actions that are required by grammar guidelines to be separated from the rest of the pack. The current formatting of the dialogue is made even more confusing by your choice to put this piece up into the publishing center without even having named the main character. I think you really need to name them or come up with some sort of moniker before proceeding any further. They can have a placeholder name as long as it´s not an actual placeholder.

The story itself also provides a lot of unclear details. I´m guessing that there´s an element of historical fiction through fantasy transportation going on in this part, but there is just so much that the reader can not possibly know. I am trying to find a reason to keep reading but if it is just vague fantasy in ¨medieval¨ times, then as a reader I would not be drawn in. The main character seems to be constantly going out of states where they are aware what is happening before going back into their literary fugue state.

I think, at this point in the story, I just can not make too much commentary outside of the technical things that need to be changed for the sake of readers and for yourself when you go back to edit this thing. Just let me know if you had any specific questions about this review.

Happy August!
- Armand

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! Aaand Welcome to YWS!! Hope you have a good time here

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rain, mud and a crackle of lightning* (name mc) first saw a blur and as his squint turned into a shallow gaze, he pondered on the scent of unearth soil drenched by the rain as well as fresh blood. (name mc) then set his gaze on the blades of grass dancing to the dewdrops of liquid crystals falling from the sky. With legs of a newborn cow, he hoisted himself up. “Ugh…. Why am I here, who am I?” He muttered to himself. With his vision returning he saw muck and loam, land worn out by bipedal lifeforms, orchards of scutch grass flank the worn-out land as do groves of ash and cedar trees also. A scene that resembles like a small forested path found in those cliché medieval novels. (name mc) cocked up his head at fifty degree angle and slumped his shoulders as his vision failed to locate the warm comforting sun as dark thunderous clouds captured the sky as their temporary domain. Defeated in his initial plan he fixed his calculating and eagle like eyes on himself noting that on his naked, bruised and worn-out flesh lies apparel he even didn’t remember putting on. From (name mc) shoulders all the way to above his hips are were something like a ruined by earthly muck plain & old green semi tunic gambeson but laden with small slightly rusty and dirty metal plates that were made with steel sewed onto the garb in a way that it looked as though they are overlapping each other like scale armor but only in areas on his chest and back where his lungs and heart would be. Looking further beyond his hips and groin to the place where the wet soil and the soles of his hard-boiled leather boots would meet were tights similar to that of a cliché medieval setting. It brandished 2 small pockets on each leg near enough where his hands would easily grab something small in the span of 1.8 seconds. Curiosity killed him when pulled out a small bladed tool from one of the pockets that had a different weight to it compared to the baren other one. At first glance anyone would’ve thought it would be useful in close quarter combat however after a closer, careful and detailed inspection he was surprised when this thing has too many ornamental engravings that mirrored the intricacy of lightning searing & dancing through the dark cloud infested sky to be considered as a simple tool or short crude weapon. He returned it securely in his pockets for future use or research. “The rain stopped.” (name mc) muttered quietly as if reassuring himself despite the cold slowly seeping into his skin as his drenched, dirty attire betrayed their purpose of protecting him from the natural elements. Albeit it stopped falling liquid droplets the air still felt blue and depressing as the overcast dark humid sky didn’t change. (name mc) wiped off some muck and droplets on his face and decided to trudged the dirt road, his legs and feet feeling somewhat numb as he continued. Taking note of a slow but increasing incline that varied the 2 directions he could go to. He followed the dirt road up to a small hill that obscures what you can see on the other side. After what felt like countless hours or a few hundred steps (name mc) finally got to a small peak and after seeing what lies beyond his field vision he froze into place & felt a soul chilling feel creeping up his abdomen and spine at the unimaginable scene before him.