z

Young Writers Society



(LMSVI) The Ruptured Shadow, Chapter 4.1

by KateHardy


Chapter Four

When Dangerous Quests Have to Also be Auditions

(Anna)

Anna began her report like she would any other, trusting that the new recruits would now enough about the lingo from the academy that they could follow along. She never really did training drills, so she wasn’t exactly going to go out of her way to try and decode anything without the proper experience. She had Sally with her after all. If there was something the trainees wouldn’t understand, Sally would know to step in and explain. That woman was whip smart when it came to that sort of thing.

It didn’t take her long to finish the report. It really was a simple case, just that when it came to the level of people that had to be sent out for it, this was going to make things a touch more complicated than that. She couldn’t wait to break that particular bit of news to Sally. She always looked cute when she was flustered.

“Alright, so did everyone follow all that.” There were three identical nods all around, followed by Safi saying a very sweet. “Yes Anna.”

Anna couldn’t help but smile at that. “Wonderful. So. Murder. Mysterious Magic. Mall. Pretty straightforward stuff. I don’t think anyone needs to sign any release form for potential exposures or anything, so we’re all good to just visit the site and get underway. Once a few clarifications have been made of course.”

“Wait what?” asked Sally, frowning in that. Anna decided to block that particular thought from finishing. They were at work, and this matter really was urgent despite all the evidence to the contrary that had just taken place in here.

“You heard me right. There must be a few clarifications made for this particular mission I’m afraid because it just so happens to need some,” said Anna.

Sally didn’t look particularly convinced. “You didn’t say any of that earlier.”

“It wasn’t exactly important earlier,” said Anna with a frown. Okay maybe that wasn’t completely the truth but then it also sort of was true that Sally wasn’t meant to know anything until this point in time, so it technically wasn’t important after all.

Sally crossed her arms. “Well go ahead then. What are these clarifications of yours.”

Anna rolled her eyes, trying not to look at that particular face for too long. She really shouldn’t be in danger of losing her train of thought when she was about to say something this important.

“Well. I will.” Anna cleared her throat. “Alright so first things first, this should be kind of obvious already, but starting with a purple means the two of you.” Anna paused to point at Serafina and Safi who both nodded, Safi of course much more enthusiastic than Serafina’s bare minimum of acknowledgement.

“The two of you have a chance that’s rather rarely presented to brand new recruits which is the chance to enter proper active field duty after just the one mission because of course if you’ve read the rulebooks which I’m sure you both have, you’ll know that completing a purple successfully does make you eligible to get properly on a team.”

The barely their expression of shock on Serafina’s face suggested that she had not in fact read the rulebook to know that although Safi seemed to be acting much the same. Either she knew or she was playing four-dimensional chess with her facial expressions. Sally, of course hadn’t blinked. She’d definitely never read the book, Anna could vouch for that, but she’d put enough trainees through this process that there was no chance she couldn’t know that loophole.

“Will that be allowed?” asked Serafina after Anna had led the silence grow for a few seconds.

Anna nodded. “Yes. This is all counted just as well as if you’d been suggested for a purple after completing multiple of the basic ones because of course this wasn’t volunteer based or anything, a training specialist…” Anna paused to point specifically at Sally, “…has in fact chosen you out of a larger pool to get this chance which is how it would normally go. Whether or not you’ve not logged earlier missions will not matter.”

“That’s awesome,” gasped Safi, who then promptly clamped a hand over her mouth before uttering a barely audible. “Sorry. Didn’t may to say that out loud.”

Anna chuckled. “Don’t worry Safi. Happens to the best of us.” If Anna looked pointedly at Sally during just to get a look at that adorably flustered look again, well that was Anna’s business.

While Sally was rising to defend herself and ended up further incriminating herself Anna glanced towards Serafina who nodded to confirm that she was in fact happy with that explanation. Anna gave her a nod in return before turning towards Sally.

“Now that’s the most obvious clarification. Finally, we’ve actually got another member on this little team who’ll be getting evaluated on their performance.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
245 Reviews


Points: 22538
Reviews: 245

Donate
Sun Jan 29, 2023 12:17 am
Spearmint wrote a review...



Hiya Kate!! It’s mint from the Clever Elves, here with a review this fine Review Day. =D
I would definitely like to know more about the case (what was in that report??), but the clarification Anna brought up is quite interesting too. If I understood it right, that means if Safi and Sera do well on this mission, they become full-fledged agents? Seems like a great opportunity for them. :] Anyways, I don’t have many more intro comments other than that, but I’m curious what’ll happen when they get to the site… (I would very much like to read ahead, but. I need to review as I go. >.>)

So, on to specifics!

It didn’t take her long to finish the report.

I think it’d be great if you could add a little more detail on this report. For one, I want to know what it says (and if it gives any more details on the mission), and I think it’d also help make the agency look more legitimate! It could be as simple as, “First, Anna covered a summary of the circumstances, then the objective of the mission…” (If that’s how the reports here work.) Just a thought! ^^

Anna rolled her eyes, trying not to look at that particular face for too long.

Anna trying so hard not to get flustered or distracted by Sally XD

”That’s awesome,” gasped Safi, who then promptly clamped a hand over her mouth before uttering a barely audible. “Sorry. Didn’t may to say that out loud.”

Love the consistent characterization of Safi as a lovable, if sometimes slightly awkward, character. c:

Finally, we’ve actually got another member on this little team who’ll be getting evaluated on their performance

Hmm… so is a new character getting introduced, or is Sally getting evaluated on her performance…?

This is also just a random thought, but I wonder if Anna has any pictures of the site? I feel like in missions, there are sometimes slideshows presented with images of the target area… That could also help the reader get a more solid sense of what’s going to happen/where they’re going. ^^

Well, I’m off to the next chapter part! Keep writing! :D




User avatar
542 Reviews


Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Donate
Tue Jan 03, 2023 1:48 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there Kate! Lim again with a review.

Plot

“The two of you have a chance that’s rather rarely presented to brand new recruits which is the chance to enter proper active field duty after just the one mission because of course if you’ve read the rulebooks which I’m sure you both have, you’ll know that completing a purple successfully does make you eligible to get properly on a team.”

Looks like the stakes are being raised for their success in the mission. I like that this is there is a plot twist since it’s riding more on something that immediately impacts or motivates the two characters, while the other complication, AKA the mysterious malfunction / anomaly happening in the background, is more of a situational/ impersonal thing. Two complications combined.
Okay maybe that wasn’t completely the truth but then it also sort of was true that Sally wasn’t meant to know anything until this point in time, so it technically wasn’t important after all.

Hmm, I wonder why Anna was keeping that piece of information from Sally? It doesn’t seem like she has some big secret at the moment. Was it just to see her reaction, like this part was:
“Don’t worry Safi. Happens to the best of us.” If Anna looked pointedly at Sally during just to get a look at that adorably flustered look again, well that was Anna’s business.

On a second read, I’m maybe thinking that this mission is labelled ‘purple’ but really is, as Anna says a “simple case”, and that’s the secret that she’s hiding. In that case, my question now is why the chapter says “dangerous” though? <.<
Also, aha – there’s another person going to be here! That’s interesting. I’m guessing it’s not either of the two who were left behind in that room a few chapters ago, but maybe a new person, since Sally made a big deal about those two *really* being left behind.

Characters

I notice that Anna is different from the other POV characters introduced so far. She seems calmer and more relaxed, even though they’re in a high-pressure situation. For example:
Anna began her report like she would any other, trusting that the new recruits would now enough about the lingo from the academy that they could follow along.

She doesn’t fret about them understanding things and also trusts Sally to help out. When interacting with Sally, she seems to like to tease and is generally more light-hearted than the other way around.
I’m kind of itching to see more conflict or problems play out for these characters, because I have a feeling that’s when their characters will shine.
“That’s awesome,” gasped Safi, who then promptly clamped a hand over her mouth before uttering a barely audible. “Sorry. Didn’t may to say that out loud.

I chuckled at this moment. Safi’s ‘actual thoughts’ slipping out for once! I wonder how Sally and Serafina will react to that xD

Overall

I’m liking the structure of this set up so far and am eager to see the mission play out. I think I’ve already mentioned points about adding more descriptions and refining the dialogue as a helpful thing to do when revising, so I won’t belabour that here. I wonder what’s in store for them with this ‘mall magic murder mystery’ and if it will have something to do with the three antagonists introduced in the prologue.

Hope this helps – and keep writing!
-Lim





The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet