Young Writers Society

Hey @KaiRy

I'm here to leave you a review.

First impression:
This is is very nicely written and I think it's a lovely piece. I like the fact that she gave her journal a name, Kitty. Suchanadorablenametoo!

I love the fact that it's not to long, but also not to short. Just in between and perfect. I kind of feel sorry for her that the government thinks she's bad, even though she's very sweet and nice. But I guess that are people, right? If people are not familiar with something they're going to start judging. Everything has to go with the rules. No exceptions. No new things. And definitly no magic. Why are people doing that? Just give it a chance and you'll see that it isn't that hard. A change is good sometimes. Why can't they see that in? Fear of losing. That's also one of those thingies. People think everything that is weird or different is bad. Or just nog good. It just can't be that way, they think. Well' let me tell you this: They are very very very wrong, my friend. What is actually up with them? Why can't people be different? Or why don't they just try and understand the witch. They are not even trying. And then they say, "Yes, yes. The goverment is here for it's people, rest assured people you're in great hands." My foot! Just stop already. They don't give a damn about their people. It's just about the motivation or the votes of the people.

About your story:
I think it's very nicely written, you have an amazing writing style and your work reflects that too. I love that the witch didn't attack them even though she has magic/ or is more powerful than them, she stood down. That reflects even more of what a good person she is. Your pacing of the story (the flow) is also really great.

The ending is very sad and I hope to read a second part very soon. This was really interesting and sweet. You did an awesome job, keep writing!

Magically yours,
Rinisha

It ends there? I want to know what happens next! This was a wonderful dive into the mind of this girl, I love this style of writing: Journal perspective. And is it weird that I just saw a video that also stated, "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." Just another crazy coincidence. I like how the government knows shes a witch, and they come and arrest her for being one. I wonder, is being a witch illegal in this society? I mean I suppose it is in this one, but the fact that the govenment spys and personally arrests witches, just means that in this world, there is much more witchcraft, and I like it. I give this a 9/10, because a 10/10 would feel kinda fake. Anyway, great story, can't wait to read more!

Hey KaiRyu, writerkitty's here to review your amazing story!

Okay, this is pretty short, but I really enjoyed it!
I mean it was really fun to read this story. You've written it pretty well and I can't wait to find out what happens next.
The most amazing fact is that the witch who was believed to be a really bad person has a really nice personality and she's really polite. I'm sure that amazed the officials.

And even when they grab her by the arms and dragged her away, she didn't protest at all! This really puzzled me and I want to know more right after you ended the chapter. You kept your reader interested until they reached the end of the chapter, and you sure had them excited to read more. Good job!!!

My only suggestion is that you can add a bit more descriptions and help the reader to get a better idea about the surrounding and the characters. But this is the first chapter, so I think you'll add more descriptions in the next one.

Overall this is a really amazing story, and it sure had me excited for the next one!!!
Never stop writing and have an amazing day!!!!
writerkitty

Hey! I am going to review your story!

I like the story so far! At the start you were talking about the truth and all, which made me wonder a bit! The story puts an image in my mind, which is good for the readers. I don't see many spelling mistakes which is good, but there is a few. I am also glad to see comma's in the right places, good punctuation. I like the idea of the story, very nice. I do like the ending, it makes the reader guess, and try to predict what could happen next, which also means the reader will come back! Good story, and keep up the good work!

Hey. This is a
holographic review!
Although it is a bit short.

You've got a pretty nice hook. You talk about the truth, which immediately makes the reader wonder what exactly the truth is. We also get a sense of what your character is like, although I'm not exactly sure if it add up to the impression we get at the end (with her laughing). It's a bit hard to tell what she (assuming they're a girl) is like considering how this is the first one (I saw that you have a second part) and how this is so short. That aside, I feel like by the journal (I assume?) entry portrays her as relaxed and kind of cocky in a way. At that little scene at the end, I still get the impression that she's cocky, but a bit more on the mad (as in insane) side. Judging by the last sentence here, she is definitely insane, but I'm not exactly feeling that way throughout the entry. But a mad character can be pretty hard to do. You did it really well at the end, but like I said, I don't quite get that during the narration. Is there anything you could possibly do to make her seem that way? Try a few sentences in the entry that could suggest that.

Remember what I said about having a nice hook? Well, I am hooked. A hook can be very important in writing; the key to winning or losing a reader. Your hook is very good, and if you were to consider this bit here a hook itself, amazing.
But because it's a hook in all importance, is there a way you can make it better? Have it stand out a bit more? No, I don't really think so. It's perfectly fine the way it is. So great job!

Something else that I wanted to mention is how this seems to end kind of suddenly. The guards are dragging her away when BAM! brick wall! Ending. I think that having the guards drag her away could be a good way to end this, but the reason why it seems so sudden is that it happens so fast. Slow down a bit and document your narrator's reaction. Well, I mean, you do have their reaction, but try having Washi put her thoughts down. What was she thinking when they grabbed her? In fact, what did the guards look like? I don't think that for this you need a lot of description, but having your character note what the guards looked like could make them stand out a bit more for us.

Very interesting. I hope that you can make something out of this review. Expect to hear more from me soon and if you have any questions at all, don't hesitate to ask.

~The ladybug who just happens to be a hologram

I find this story very interesting with how it plays out you have clearly thought this through and revised it many times. Your use of words works very well however I wonder if you could be a little more descriptive to give your story more character. Your topic that you choose works very well especially for the character that you portray. Thank you for reading my comment/review and I hope this helps you in the future.

Hello!

A letter chapter or a beginning of a story formed letter? As a suggestion, just make the title "My Life As A Witch" since the part soon after that can make the reader confused and not wanting to read this. Like a bright yellow light, blinking and saying "please review me!!!". Anyway. I feel like you can add more onto this to make it more letter like since, in all reality, this doesn't exactly feel like a letter but more of little snippet of a chapter. Despite it being like a letter, short and all. Whenever I read a letter, or something much like a letter, I don't think there is dialogue. Even if there is, it wouldn't be in the open for everyone to read. It would say "Miss Mary said 'yadda yadda eggs and ham'" which would then relate to what you have written next. It is kinda like gossip and kinda explaining as what has happened.
Also, as I continue reading, this seems more of a diary entry rather than a letter. Was the narrator going to give the person a diary view? Or perhaps just a little glimpse of their life?

I feel like the beginning is a bit elongated. It continues on without having a point. Try thinking about how your characters would begin a journal entry. Would it be to the point? Sad or sloppy? It can depend. Read the beginning in your head, and think about how your character would write it. In most diary/letter I've read, they don't go from point to point but try to edge around what had happened in their day. Since they don't want to bore their readers to death
Anyway. The climax to where the narrator is approached by the government feels a bit loose? Like it doesn't exactly feel that much exciting to read and see what happens. It just happens. Try thinking about it if it had happened to you (or perhaps your character)- how would they/you react? Add some emotion when writing parts such as that so it can actually make the reader focused more.

I need some background info on the narrator. Why is they being followed? If anything, why does she left the officials in? If I were the narrator, I wouldn't let them in and for an add of suspense, write about how they would try to get in. However, that's completely up to you.

I started to panick panic, thinking that the government had finally caught up to me. [/spoiler]

I think it is common sense to add a ending to a letter, such as:
"From Your Love One,


The Name"

Since they weren't aswering answering me, I decided to go back into the house and close the door. Apparently they just wanted to kick down the door because that's exactly what they did next, crazy right?

Hello! I'm here to edit your story I'll be using these () around my suggestions so you can see where it is in your story, I'll begin!
My life as a witch

Dear Kitty,

I know that I have vowed to tell you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but you can't blame me for stretching the truth a little, or can you? I guess you can, but that's not the point, the point is that I've just had one heck of a day. Why can't I go anywhere without someone finding me? I guess you can't answer that, seeing that you're a journal and all. (it might sound more natural if instead of personifying the journal, you "but of course this journal can't answer that" ) Okay so my day started off pretty good, I was just about to leave the town, I'd already been there long enough, when someone started knocking at my doorway. You should put a comma here instead of a period, so that it takes place faster in the readers mind) I started to panick, (panic is what I think your mean) thinking that (that I'd unnecessary here) the government had finally caught up to me. I drew a quick breath in (in here is also unnecessary) and opened the door, welcoming in the officials.

"Would you like to come in?" I asked them, so far so good. They remained silent and just stood at the doorway, clearly taken aback at my hospitality towards people who most likely want to kill me. (try "people who were likely there to kill me" does that sound easier to read?) I just stared at them waiting for them to come in. Since they weren't aswering (answering) me, I decided to go back into the house and close the door. Apparently they just wanted to kick down the door because that's exactly what they did next, crazy right?

"Washi, you are herby accused of being a witch, be prepaired (prepared) to face trial." said one man. I stared at him with an amused expression on my face and started to laugh, really hard. That must have been extreamly surprizing. (extremely, surprising) In the backround, (background) the guards grabed (grabbed) my arms and draged (dragged) me away, even though I didn't put up a fight.
So mostly there are only a few spelling errors, and you've got an engaging start to hook the reader! One suggestion... Why not describe what the officials normally do, so the rest gets a better idea of who they are
I hope this helped!