z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Seven horrors of the world.

by Jpwriter


Welcome to the prologue of my new book plz tell me what you think and if you like the idea.

Prologue

In the beginning there were two, two whose power was the only thing to exist. In the beginning they had no true permeant form, they were constantly changing, big then small, round then square.

At the start there was nothing but themselves, and a few hundred particles. As they sat and thought they decided they were lonely. In the empty expanse were there’s only you and one other to talk to it gets boring.

Together they decided to create a world where they would make a perfect society. For a thousand centuries they worked nonstop and when they were done, it was indeed perfect.

The beings of the world were perfect with no need for anything they sat and thought how to thank the beings who they had named sand and pearl. But the world soon came to burn with no idea why the pearl and sand tried again with the same results.

Again and again they tried but to no avail, then one day the sand realized their mistake. They had tried to make a world that was perfect which was their problem. There had to be flaws or it would burn into oblivion.

And so together they tried once more they tried. The sand crafted the world, the pearl the sky, then when they were done they created six beings.

First came the warlock to control time and space to keep it in balance. Second was the witch who controlled the energies of the world. Third came the pyro who watched the worlds rejuvenating fires. Forth came the beast who created the worlds life. Fifth came the rock who controlled the lands elements. And finally came the savage who, to the present day, purpose is unknown except to the pearl and the sand.

The pearl and sand watched as the world came to life, and did not burn. They were pleased with themselves but in their arrogance of their success they accidently created a seventh being.

Forth from their power came the last, carnage. A being of pure insanity and blood lust. He killed all he saw, he took the role of death, and madness.

In his prime of life, it took the combined power of the other six to restrain him in a pocket world known as Heraus. A world sealed within a box created by the pearl and sand.

In carnages defeat the seven were greatly injured and weakened. To help most created beings to serve as guardians of each domain. The warlock and savage were the only ones who did not due to the wish not to give the power they held to others.

The witch created three who would come to be known as the furies. The pyro made several hundred. The beast three, one for the land one for the sea one for the sky. They would later make their own beings who would make their own. Rock made two the golem and the heart which would make their own. And the last brother carnage made his legion within his prison.

A hundred years went by when carnages forces escaped and a war broke loose. They slaughtered each other, learned of ways to do war, such as taking control of the humans and other creature that now inhabited the world.

In the end carnage was imprisoned once more, but many of his children were not and continued to inhabit the world but only able to effect it through the bodies of the beings upon the world.

This was also true for the other seven they too have effect they were forced to take a host. This lead to fear and anger among the humans and through the ancestor of the man known as Archimedes the secret of how to imprison the seven and their children was discovered and harnessed.

So started the age of shadows forth cam the original knights Templar who imprisoned each of the children in different cubes, and finally each of the six except the savage who strangely vanished from the world.

Many of the children escaped capture or escaped the cubes. In the 4th century one of the witch’s daughters who evaded capture lost her memory but accidently opened the witch’s box. This sparked the tale created by the Templar and altered Pandora’s box.

For years the Templars worked hiding the boxes changing them. Much of the legends of the seven were forgotten or changed. The Holy Grail became the prison of the pyro, but he was released in the 14th century when the Templar had forgotten what was held within the grail.

In the 21st century the Templar worked their way into every government and started the man hunt for demons of the seven. People who had become hosts were killed or imprisoned.

This is where Ryan comes into my families’ tale and how he would overcome the control of the beast and how he would stop the carnages third escape, and mass slaughter


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61 Reviews


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Sun Feb 26, 2017 2:19 am
Feltrix wrote a review...



Hello! I'm Feltrix, and I'm reviewing, but I'm sure you've figured that out from the label above this. Moving on, I'm writing things down as I read them, so this will be completely unorganized, but I won't miss anything. Theoretically.

"In the beginning they had no true permeant form" I know you meant 'permanent' instead of 'permeant'.

"In the empty expanse were there’s only you and one other to talk to it gets boring." I have a deep resentment for addressing the reader. Also, I'm sure you can find more interesting words than 'boring'.

I'm just writing my version of this chapter, feel no need to copy it, everything is a loose suggestion. It would just take longer to write everything out. "The inhabitants of the world were perfect, with no need for anything. They sat and thought about how they should thank the beings who had created them. They called these two beings the Sand and the Pearl. But soon, the world burned. With no idea why, the Pearl and the Sand tried again with the same results." Whoah! Abrupt! Everything is moving too fast. First we have two omnipotent shapeshifters in an empty universe. Then they decide to make a world. Then BAM! the world explodes. Everything needs to be shown down and have more descriptions.

Okay, admittedly there were a few more grammar errors and words I would replace with different words, but I'm bored of being spellcheck. I really like how this describes the mythology of the story. The biggest piece of criticism I have here is that you need to work on your pacing. There is way too much information loaded onto the reader at once and transitions could be very useful. Another thing is that you need to add more descriptions. This could also help your pacing. You do a lot of world building here, so it can be hard to add imagery, but it's really necessary in a lot of places here.

I hope this is helpful, and above all, keep writing!




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Sat Feb 04, 2017 6:54 pm
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Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review!

This idea you have for your upcoming novel seems to a be good one, I'd admit. Because, it seems to have the elements of how the world is made and how someone might have to save the world from being destructed by some past elements. However, for a prologue, even though you have a nice backstory of what is going to happen, you should focus more on one important scene. A prologue to me means hooking the reader for the rest of your story by which you would give the reader some information about what is going to happen later in the story (not quite foreshadowing but enough information to get the reader wanting more). Another thing to consider when wanting to write a prologue is do you need it? In most cases, authors write prologues to get some background behind the scenes of the story. In your case, with this prologue, I think you should keep it. Because not only does it give the reader something to look forward to but it also gives the reader some form of suspense of what is going to happen later with Ryan and his helping to stop the killings.

In the beginning there were two, two whose power was the only thing to exist. In the beginning they had no true permeant form, they were constantly changing, big then small, round then square.

At the start there was nothing but themselves, and a few hundred particles. As they sat and thought they decided they were lonely. In the empty expanse were there’s only you and one other to talk to it gets boring.


Whenever you are writing a prologue or a chapter, you should have some form of action or a important character shown. It can be as simple as "Joe was tired." to "It wasn't ten in the morning and she already wanted to kill seven people." It just depends on the person writing the novel but mostly have a solid character or a strong setting.
Right off the bat for this one, you don't need to have the same word listed twice in the sentence (unless it's had had). Also, the beginning of this feels a bit weak. Like I mention before, having a strong beginning leads to the reader wanting more from your novel. Perhaps read up on some novels that are in your type of writing/theme you're going with because usually those help.
You also misspelled "permanent".

The beings of the world were perfect with no need for anything they sat and thought how to thank the beings who they had named sand and pearl. But the world soon came to burn with no idea why the pearl and sand tried again with the same results.


As the reviewer below me mentioned, this paragraph feels a bit unclear. You don't exactly explain the perfect world; you just say that there are perfect beings in the world. But what world is it? Description is key when it comes to describing such things. Not only does it provide some color into the reader's mind, but it can help you later on when you're writing the next chapter.
Also, as a suggestion, be sure to re-read your work. It helps a ton because there are times where you, as the writer, could easily point out something that a reviewer can't see. Like, changing a scene quickly so it matches the whole point of the story.
With what I just said, there is a part of this paragraph that needs to be fixed. After 'anything' there should be a period. Because it feels like that the beginning sentence of this paragraph needs to be split up on two separate sentences.

Pace out what is going to happen in the story, don't just overload the reader. In this case, you're jumping all over the place without real reason as to why. For me, I like to have my problems in the middle and the 'happy ending' at, well, the end.

This is where Ryan comes into my families’ tale and how he would overcome the control of the beast and how he would stop the carnages third escape, and mass slaughter.


Whenever you are ending a piece, do not ever do the 'this is where' or 'this is why' thing because it almost feels like you want the piece to be over. Even though this ending does give the reader some form of "suspense" to the next chapter, it is a weak kind of suspense. Like most of what was happening in your story, you never mentioned Ryan or who he was (safe for the beginning). I think in this case, I would find some way to give a background on Ryan because it seems like he's the main character of this novel.

Overall, this was a good prologue. There were some bumps along the way but I'm sure you'll fix them as you see them. Also, I think you're main issue with this is pacing and sequence of events. Personally, I would plan out what is going to happen later. It'll be a blessing to your future self. Write it down in notes. Put it on a wall in market. Just a reminder to the future.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




Jpwriter says...


Ok thank you, I'm really glad for your input, this is a book ive been real cautious to put out so, and i will fix what you suggested so thx's for the input:)



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Fri Feb 03, 2017 10:03 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Jpwriters! Lupa here for a review! :D Let's jump in...

1) "In the beginning they had no true permeant form, they were constantly changing, big then small, round then square." I feel like you could use much better adjectives than these. "Big" and "small" are basic. Google has some great suggestions.

2) "At the start there was nothing but themselves, and a few hundred particles. As they sat and thought they decided they were lonely. In the empty expanse were there’s only you and one other to talk to it gets boring." This section doesn't match the solemn tone of this piece. The "few hundred particles" sounds like you're trying to be funny, but it's not working. Taking that phrase out is a good idea.

Also, the plot seems too... told. You're telling us that they're lonely. You're telling us that it's boring. Instead, show us with the characters' actions.

3) Paragraph 4 is overall very weak. The creatures of this "perfect" world have absolutely no character. Perhaps gives us a reason tying the burning of their world and the characters. Maybe they start growing resentful after a few centuries. If they rebelled, the whole "burning world" thing would make more sense.

In addition, capitalize "sand" and "pearl" because they're the beings' names.

4) Many sentences of yours are confusing. There's one point where I understand almost nothing that's going on. Reword them and try to make them clearer to comprehend.

5) For half of your story, I could follow along your ideas. But after that, everything was pretty much blurry. This isn't so much a prologue as an information dump. This is all background that can be worked into the story here and there, not just in the prologue.

6) The ending made me confused who's narrating the story. It says, "This is where RYan comes into my families' tale" (families' should be family's, by the way). Then whose family is it? Please make it clear to me.

And the ending isn't the best way to tie off your prologue. "Mass slaughter" is probably important to the story, but even an important idea doesn't make for the best finish. Try to find something that sounds neatly completed and doesn't leave any loose threads hanging.

Overall, I was interested in the idea of your story, but how you build on that idea is vital too. I would like to see more of your chapters, to be honest. Your myth behind the creation of the world is nothing like I've ever heard before--which is awesome. :D

I hope I didn't come across as harsh or mean in my review. If I did, feel free to PM me if you want and tell me about it. I definitely wasn't trying to be mean, so it's important that you let me know.

Keep writing, Jpwriter!

XOX,
Lupa22




Jpwriter says...


Thank you, you were harsh and thats what this book needs, and me to, so thanks for being harsh. I will input your ideas, so thank you for your help. :)




Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo