Young Writers Society

I loved this poem. First, the rhyme scheme of the poem is excellent. I also like the repetition in certain lines. For example, the fifth and sixth line, and the ninth and tenth line start with the same words. I feel like it helps the poem roll more smoothly. Also, I like how you ended the poem. In all, this is a beautiful poem. Good work!

Heya, Jinx. Casanova here to do a review.

Anyway, I agree with below comments about this poem lacking any poetic devices. This seems like something that would benefit a song, or just you writing a letter to someone. Anyway, onward.

The rhyming was simple, but every other line rhymed. Instead of having an AABBCCDD rhyme scheme, it was more like ABABCDCD, or something like that.

I couldn't get too emotionally involved with this for the fact you're just giving us what's going on. Well, nothing's going on besides you telling us you want to leave and that you want the person you're talking to to help you leave. But why is that? Why do you want to leave? Why not stay? The person obviously did nothing, else you wouldn't be begging them to help you. So why not answer questions that this raise? Why are you leaving? Why do you want that person to help you leave, and why can you not leave on your own? I think these would be amazing questions answered. Put how you're feeling into it, and let that show through. This is where imagery would play a big part. Describe what you want through different images and poetic devices. Mess around with it, and have fun.

Although I didn't get emotionally invested in this, I could see some of your emotion in it, so I give you props for that.

Anyway, that's all I have. Hope this helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Matt

i really like the,"let me slip through your fingers like sand."

My only critique would be to extend the length! You have a great premise I think you can really elaborate and add even more power onto. Overall, I could really see myself in your message and I loved reading.

This is Kaos here for a review!

I couldn't get emotionally invested into this because it doesn't use poetic devices, lacks them, even. The rhyming is elementary and I don't know why it's there because it doesn't particularly add anything to the poem and it only weighs down on it. It makes your word choice stricter blocks entrance of any sort of imagery or metaphor because of the rhyming. I suggest you take the rhyming out because it doesn't do anything to benefit the poem.

Back to where I called this poem basic, I felt this way because it has a theme that takes up the whole poem and doesn't do anything to get the reader invested in it, and that's the biggest problem of your poem already. We see that the title already tells us the whole story in shorter words and that I could already tell how the poem was to end by the last line. Instead of just giving us a ramble and talking about it with no source of imagery or metaphor, use your personal experiences to connect the reader better. It makes it more realistic and vivid, it creates an atmosphere for the reader to experience. Your goal is to create an experience for the reader.

There's a lack of imagery in this poem in that it's too wrapped up in itself for it. You give nothing to describe. The poem is about the speaker feeling like they never mattered and that the person it's being written to should leave them, so base your imagery around that. Give us metaphors or a metaphor that defines what you mean. The poem doesn't have anything personal about it in that it only talks without using any memories or imagery, so define how it feels or what you mean.

Let the reader attach themselves through the imagery. You have a skeleton of a poem here, and the imagery is the flesh that you build around it. You have some base images to build around like the sand and the heart (add more because that won't make a whole poem), expand on those. I wasn't particularly fond of them as they are because they're rewashed lines of what's already been said, so you have to elaborate and add onto them. How did the sand feel, how did it smell, how did it look, how did it /taste/, even? Give us that description.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Wow.....all I can say about this piece is wow. It was just truly magnificent I did notice a couple of grammar mistakes. Yet, it was still incredible I loved the ending the most. It was just such a beautiful piece. I just fell love in love with this piece, and honestly I'm still shocked at how majestic this poem was. This has become my personal favorite. It was deep, enticing, and overall enchanting!


(*≧▽≦) 100/100!!!