Chapter 1
Our story starts in a place in a realm well known by humans of almost all religion, Hell. Though it wasn’t the exact hell we’re all familiar with. This place had scorching heat and oceans of lava, little to no water, lots of fire, scorched dirt, and little to no food. But it did differ from our dreaded Hell, this place had life. No cursed and sinned spirits roamed this place in agony, in fact it was home to a prosperous civilization known as the Draconids.
The Draconids were proud people, a hybrid of human and dragon. They adapted to the cursed land they lived in with strong but light scales to protect them from heat, oxygen wasn’t a problem either for as long as they had carbon dioxide they were fine. Sturdy wings allowed them to move through and pass the cliffs and edges that lead down to the raging ocean of lava and long claws helped them dig through the scorched rock with ease. In truth the Draconid people lived and prospered for hundreds of years in this hellish of a place, but even the strongest empire can fall and the Draconids were no exception.
***
Ahmose watched in a mix of shock, terror, and horror as once great structures of the Draconids fell into the sea of lava below them. Ancient burial tombs trembled violently before falling and withering away in the lava. Houses, stores, temples, libraries, streets, and market stalls all vanished in a blink of an eye. What had caused such destruction? War, war was the only answer. The Draconids had recently declared war on a nearby empire called The Populus Mortis, or Mortis for short.
The Mortis sent their best fleet over to the Draconid’s planet and destroyed everything. The Draconids fought hard to protect their home but they were no match for the advanced weapons and armory the Mortis had. Now there was no choice but to flee from their world, escape while there was still a chance.
Ahmose sighed, his wings barely keeping him off the ground. Turning around back to his castle (which is probably the only thing that wasn’t destroyed) Ahmose landed himself. He was the Pharaoh of the Draconids, the person who was supposed to protect and lead his people, and he had failed. Walking inside the beautifully made golden castle Ahmose paused to greet his wife, Isis.
“Have they found a way?” He asked her.
“Yes, but it will take a great deal of magic.” Isis replied her eyes clouded with worry.
“So be it, how about a planet?”
“That brings me to my next thing, we have found a suitable planet but it is already inhabited.”
“Hmm....is there any other planets nearby?”
“None.”
“Then continue the ritual.” Ahmose sighed, he had no idea who these inhabitants were, or how they were going to act but it was the only way to save his people.
Following his wife to the main chamber, Ahmose sighed sadly. This was the home he was born and raised in, now we was going to have to leave for good. As soon as Ahmose realized they was no way to win this war, so he ordered the most skilled wizard in the land to come forth and find some way for them to flee without being seen by the Mortis. The wizards suggested they teleport themselves to different planet, but finding a new planet was a difficult job.
Finally they had arrived, the main chamber was grand and elegant room. The walls lined with beautiful paintings, family crests, books, scrolls, porcelain plates, and jewels. Inside the chamber stood the best scholars, wizards, and scientist in the world each draped in gold and jewels signifying their importance.
As soon as Ahmose and Isis stepped into the room one of the wizards stepped up and began to talk, “My lord, I, and many of my fellow wizards, propose we us the teleportation method to leave this planet.”
“Nephthys, haven’t you even stopped to think about the consequences, not only have you chosen a planet already inhabited but the amount of magic you’re going to use could dramatically affect the environment there.” A scientist objected.
“Well why don’t you come up with a better idea then?” Nephthys replied angrily, “We’re running out of time!”
Ahmose sighed as the two broke into arguments and put his hand to his forehead. As the two passed insults to each other Ahmose’s head ached just that much more. Glancing at Isis he asked, “How much time do we have left?”
“Not much.” She replied grimly.
“Well then, seeing as we have no other options we’ll stick with teleportation.” Ahmose raised his voice so that everyone in the chamber could hear him.
Dipping her head, Nephthys continued on, “Now in order to get a population of around 180,000 people through space and time the amount of magic we’ll consume could leave me and my fellow wizards incapable of using our powers for a very long time.”
“But we have no other choice and time is running thin, so hurry on up and preform the ritual.” Ahmose snapped, beginning to get impatient.
Bowing her head to Ahmose and Isis, Nephthys beckoned for her other wizards to step up. Ahmose watch as each wizard moved to their spot on the marble floor. They each looked at each other and nodded then began chanting words too quite for Ahmose to make out. Their hands began to glow and they began to move them around in a circular motion. The glowing only got brighter and larger until it almost blinded everyone in the room.
In his moment of blindness Ahmose felt his knees cramp up, his wings go stiff, lungs clog, and his ears block up. To put it simply, he felt like he was dying. This must be the side effects of teleportation. Ahmose forced down fear as he braced himself. He was traveling through space and time.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi there Ivywater! I'm here to pull your chapter out of the abyssal Green Room!
It looks like the previous reviewer really hunkered down and went through most, if not all, of the little errors throughout your chapter. That's very nice of them, but you should also be able to do this yourself. Grammar is fairly important in prose because it dictates to the reader how they should be reading something. A good way to know when you need a comma or semi-colon or period is to read what you've written out loud. You'll see where you need to fix grammar and spelling, because you'll pause at all the right places.
I felt that the beginning expository paragraphs were a bit much. It felt like a little lesson and it wasn't very enjoyable because it was much too didactic. Instead of explicitly explaining to situation of Hell and its populace to the reader, it might be better to actually work this information into your chapter, into the action that is taking place with Ahmose and Isis and all of the sorcerers. That way, the reader gradually gleans information about your world instead of having it blocked off. This will likely make the chapter flow much more easily. Right now, it feels quite fragmented. It would be nice to see your ideas work together as one.
Unfortunately, Ahmose comes across as a very dislikable protagonist. It is true that you don't want your main character to be absolutely perfect, but you also want your reader to relate in some way, be it emotionally or through his personality or actions – whatever. At the beginning, I did feel a little sorry for Ahmose because his home is getting destroyed but later he seems to be very autocratic with no regard for the welfare of others. I am talking specifically of the fact that he orders, without a second thought, the sorcerers to exhaust their powers to save his people. One can't help but think that he isn't ordering that in the best interests of his people, but that he is thinking of himself and that is because of the way he gives the order. I understand that it is an inevitable event to take place in your story, but you might do well to make Ahmose seem softer and more compassionate to the sorcerers sacrificing their power for the greater good. Just a thought!
Overall, I think that you have a very unique idea with a lot of potential – the ends just need to be tidied up a bit.
Thanks for the read!
Best,
Lav
Hello Ivywater, here for a review!
Even though there are quite a few grammar and punctuation mistakes, I still enjoyed this bit very much. The premise to your story and the world where it takes place sound very intriguing and definitely something I would read. So let me state already that I wish to be notified for next chapters, can I?
Hence, let me go to the nik-picks straight ahead and hope they will help you improve your writing, because the idea for the story is already set and it's great.
- 'Our story starts in (a place)x in a realm well known by humans...' no need for it, it's better with only the realm.
-'But it did differ from our dreaded Hell(,)x (;) this place had life.'
-'They adapted to the cursed land they lived in with strong but light scales to protect them from heat(,)x (;) oxygen wasn’t a problem either (,) for as long as they had carbon dioxide they were fine.'
-'Sturdy wings allowed them to move through and pass the cliffs and edges that lead down to the raging ocean of lava (.) And long claws helped them dig through the scorched rock with ease. In truth (,) the Draconid people lived and prospered for hundreds of years in this hellish of a place(,)x (.)
But even the strongest empire can fall and the Draconids were no exception.' you could break this sentence from the paragraph an let it be. This sets a more mysterious tone to the upcoming story and makes the reader focus more on those same words, which come like a warning the writer gives to the reader before going on.
-'The Draconids had recently declared war on a nearby empire called The Populus Mortis, or Mortis for short.' add this sentence to the next paragraph to have, again, that mysterious feeling after you use the sentence about war. You know, like giving the answer to the reader but not straight explain everything. Let him ponder until he reaches the next paragraph to know more.
-'Turning around back to his castle (-) which (is)x was probably the only thing that wasn’t destroyed (-) Ahmose landed himself.' be careful with your tenses, you were using past until then so you can't change it to present so suddenly.
-'Isis replied (,) her eyes clouded with worry.'
-“That brings me to my next thing...' instead of thing use maybe 'matter' or 'issue'. Try to be more creative with words, don't use such basic and everyday words. This will give off an interly different feeling to the story.
-' This was the home he was born and raised in, (and) now we was going to have to leave for good. As soon as Ahmose (had) realized (they was)x (there had been) no way to win this war, (so he)x (he had) ordered the most skilled wizard(s) in the land to come forth and find some way for them to flee without being seen by the Mortis. The wizards (had) suggested they teleport themselves to (a) different planet, but finding a new planet (was a)x (had proved to be a) difficult job.'
-'Finally they had arrived, the main chamber was grand and elegant (room)x.' no need for the room.
-' Inside the chamber stood the best scholars, wizards, and scientist in the world (;) each draped in gold and jewels ...'
-“My lord, I, and many of my fellow wizards, propose we us(e) the teleportation method to leave this planet.”
-“Nephthys, haven’t you even stopped to think about the consequences(,)x (!) Not only have you chosen a planet already inhabited (,) but the amount of magic you’re going to use could dramatically affect the environment there(.)x (!)” like this it empathizes the scientist's outrage.
-'Ahmose watch(ed) as each wizard moved to their spot on the marble floor. They each looked at each other and nodded (,) then began chanting words too (quite)x (low) for Ahmose to make out.'
-' He was traveling through space and time.' as I said before, use this sentence by itself, because this way it ends the chapter smoothly and leaves a big cliffhanger on.
Hope to see you improve!
Keep writing!
Thank you! I'm currently working on the next chapter and will notify you when I'm done. I'll also make sure to look over this chapter.
Yay! I'll be waiting!
I really enjoy this story and I like where it is going. There where a few small spelling errors, other than that I couldn't find any other mistakes. I'm excited to read the second chapter, keep up the good work!
This was suppost to be a review, not sure what happened haha.
Thank you! I'm really bad with spelling and I"ll make sure to fix it. YOur review was probably to short, that happens to me alot.