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The American Dream

by IvoryRose

Parties in the houses 

White picket fences on the streets 

Barbie’s in the kitchen 

While her son and daughter are being sweet

Barbie looks at her diamond ring

Her fake nails. 

Fake red lips. 

With a Hollywood smile of tears.

Barbie,made a cage for herself 

Even if Ken’s never in the house 

Barbie, is trapped as a perfect housewife 

Those blonde curls are fake 

Just some irons and dye

Barbie,left to be a socialite 

Now she’s willing to work the nights 

For she sees,she is a plastic doll for life

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51 Reviews

Points: 68
Reviews: 51

Thu Mar 15, 2018 5:53 pm
LadyGemstone wrote a review...

I shall review ye now.

Just for one that is wow. WoW. WOW. That is very saddening but realistic as well and I like that.
Now I will go to my suggestions, I see nothing wrong with it though I do see some repetition. Most of the repetition makes sense to me but the part where you say "Fake red lips"
I understand how your trying to recognize it is all fake but I think "Painted plastic lips" would do better.
Even if your not talking about an actual doll it could still work in the place of fake for lets say plastic surgery if she is an actual person.

I really like this and from what I see that is the only thing I think is even slightly flawed.
I hope you liked my review and I wish you well with no writers block.
Good day! :)

IvoryRose says...

Thank you!

User avatar

Points: 3
Reviews: 4

Thu Mar 08, 2018 11:39 am
JLCruz wrote a review...

Hello, here for a review!

I have to say that this poem is amazing! It is a down to earth 'get to the point' kind of poem. I will say i felt it is very descriptive and captivating

Now, for the nit picky parts of this. Admittedly, there is not a lot that it worth fussing over. If you added more punctuation marks it might flow better. The reason why I think this, is because when you add commas and periods, the reader stops for a brief moment, and breath, or think over what they read. It also makes reading the poem easier. Now, this is understandable because it's a common mistake, and even I do it a lot haha, but you must catch yourself! However, this is still very beautiful poem! You have made it full of metaphorical phrases, and you cut it deep with emotion. Such a great poem with a big impact!

If I were to give such a little poem stars, it'd get 4. So beautiful.

Please keep writing! Can't wait to see your future works!

IvoryRose says...

Thank you for your feedback!

User avatar
23 Reviews

Points: 271
Reviews: 23

Wed Mar 07, 2018 6:01 pm
PeijiRestoration wrote a review...

I love this! The writing contributes well to the feeling of fake happiness, and the whole thing has a synthetic feeling. I noticed only three errors.

In the line "White picker fences on the streets" I believe you meant "picket."

In the lines "Barbie,made a cage for herself, " "For she sees,she is a plastic doll for life" and "Barbie, is trapped as a perfect housewife" the commas are unnecessary, but could work as a stylistic choice.

Keep writing!

IvoryRose says...

Oh my god I didn%u2019t notice the typo until now! Thank you for the review! :)

IvoryRose says...

I just fixed it, thanks again

Glad to help :)

User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 287
Reviews: 5

Wed Mar 07, 2018 9:18 am
DreamingofWriting wrote a review...

It’s sad, yet extrenly beautiful. You did a marvelous job writing this poem. I love how you describe Barbie’s life, and how you described herself.
The punctuation could definetly use some work, unless that’s how you write it.

Parties in the houses[;]

..... on the streets[.] the kitchen[,]

....daughter are being sweet[.]

....her diamond ring[,]

....made a cage for herself[.]

…..the house[,]

Barbie [ ] is …..housewife[.]

.....blonde curls are fake[,]

....and dye[.] a socialite[.]

....doll for life[.]

Other than that, it is amazing.
I actually got Toy Story 3 vibes.... so that means you did a marvelous job. *applause*

IvoryRose says...

Thank you for the review! I was thinking about using more punctuation, but I was afraid of overdoing it. I really appreciate it! :)

You%u2019re welcome! %uD83D%uDE01

Make your dreams come true. Don't wish for them, work for them.
— Lilly Singh