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E - Everyone

Dollie

by IvoryRose


Can I ever be more than this?

No, oh well that’s okay

Come over here and play

Okay

Oh you’ve grown up

And I’m still a doll

Do you still want to play?

No, oh well that’s okay

I’m still a doll

No I’m not a doll, I’m a girl

But I look like a doll

Can I change?

No.

Okay...

I’m okay

Some new girls want to play

Will you ever leave?

No, that’s great!

I hope you’re not lying to me,

A girl feels more than a doll


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359 Reviews


Points: 15292
Reviews: 359

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Thu Jul 11, 2019 1:17 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hey, Ivory! We haven't talked in a little while, huh? Well, I'm here for a very quick review of your poem! I'm a little rusty and blunt, so please keep that in mind while reading. You also don't have to take anything I say seriously, so remember that!

First of all, I love how scattered the thoughts seem to be throughout the poem - it's like the speaker is sort of convincing themself that they are the doll that they were thought to be, thinking of themselves of less and less human. It's an element of a poem that I feel could be improved, however, with different formatting types! Take this poem by E.E. Cummings, for instance, which uses different formatting to make it more scattered and confusing.

There's a strange part at the last line where it's more skewed than the rest - I'm sure that was a mistake, but I wanted to point that out so you can fix it! :)

Another thing: keep your punctuation consistent (unless, of course, it's obvious that a poem is supposed to be skewed and random. While I may have noticed that, it wouldn't be as obvious unless some type of formatting is there, like I said above). At times, you don't use a period at the end of what would be "sentences", but at other times you do. Some commas aren't in their proper places, and some are. For example (in a spoiler so that the review is easier to read.):

Spoiler! :
Can I ever be more than this?
No, oh well that’s okay
Come over here and play
Okay
Oh you’ve grown up
And I’m still a doll


Instead of this punctuation, you might want to try. I also fixed some awkward wording:

Can I ever be more than this?
No? Oh well, that's okay.
Come over here to play.
Okay.
Oh, you've grown up.
And I'm still a doll.


To fix this, I recommend reading your poem out loud and seeing where you stop naturally! (when i'm writing a "grammatically correct" poem, i print it out and mark where the natural stops are). It will help you to know where to put commas, periods, semi-colons, etc. The punctuation is your choice, of course. I'm a bit picky on this type of stuff - it helps with flow - but of course, you don't have to follow that advice!

Like toboldygo said, this is a very beautiful poem. It does convey the way that some people feel in society - like a doll - while leaving the reader scatterbrained and feeling like they went on a wild ride. My biggest critique? This poem is too short! Add some metaphors with dolls, some similies, or allusions to doll-related horror or thrillers. I'm sure that you could create a masterpiece out of this poem. You just have to keep working.

Ciao~!

- zami




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155 Reviews


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Mon Jul 08, 2019 4:36 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Toboldlygo here with a review for you!

This is such a beautiful, heartfelt poem! It really evokes thoughts of abandonment yet still having hope for better relationships with better people in the future. The comparison of your feelings to a doll is a brilliant perspective and it made me experience acutely the sentiment you were trying to convey. As someone who's used to people only being friends with until they find someone better, I completely understand what you're saying in this poem and it goes to heart with me.

The one thing that confuses me is that you refer to growing up. Are you talking about someone actually playing with and then outgrowing a doll, from the doll's perspective? Or is this someone who feels that her friends have moved on and forgotten her, the way people outgrow dolls? It's a beautiful, tragic, heartbreaking thought either way and I love how you wrote that.

The critique I think is most prevalent is to work on the rhythm or tempo a bit more. Sometimes the lines read a little jarringly after the previous line or before the next. Rephrase a little here and there to make it read more clearly. Rhythm is one of the most important parts of a poem in my opinion, so a line that stands out can negatively impact the experience for me. On the other hand, a beautiful rhythm can make up for many other things, like the almighty rhyming and verse structure and whatnot. As long as it reads clearly and flows together, it is probably a beautiful poem in my mind.

Overall, great job. I think this is lovely and really a wonderful read.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo





We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor