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Lost to the Sea

by Isbah


She had already tried to persuade her father not to go on this holiday. But he was adamant. He just needs a break , she knew. Things weren't going well for either of them. Suddenly ,the ground beneath her shook and she broke out of her bubble of thoughts and realised that they had already boarded ship.

The ship was moving fast and soon she couldn't see anything around her for miles and miles except water. The day soon turned to night and the crowd around her was still partying wildly with lights and music and alcohol. Amidst all the chaos, her thoughts turned to that fateful day that had changed everything for her. It seemed as if life had turned against her. From being a normal school-going teenager , she had turned into a social outcast, the day her mother had died .

Suddenly, a loud noise broke into her train of thoughts. The waves were getting bigger, looking more and more threatening every minute. It seemed like they wanted to swallow up the ship. The sky was turning stormy. A thunderstorm started and it started raining heavily like the sky was spewing out some unresolved enmity. It was taking out its anger on the ship and its passengers.

The people started panicking . Standing on the edge and observing the whole scene, the girl knew that this night was like no other. Something was going to happen. Suddenly , the ship hit a huge rock and the rock's pointy edge punctured a hole in the ship .

As the girl was holding her breath, about to drown, she saw her mother, telling her to not let go.But her breathing reflex took over , she opened her mouth and gulped in icy cold water. An unbelievable pain struck her chest and then she died. Her miseries came to an end .

No one escaped that night. Those who managed to get on life boats were taken down by the huge waves. Nature had risen again. It meant to take down man and technology. It was going to take its revenge on the cruelty and ignorance of mankind.

It was the beginning of a war that would taint human history forever.


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8 Reviews

Points: 2
Reviews: 8

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Sat Nov 18, 2023 5:44 pm
WordWeaver1357 wrote a review...



Hi! First of all, I wanted to say, I've joined recently too!
The story was written very well, and the idea is original and very unique. Although the length of the piece was fairly short, I feel that most details were elaborated on adequately, so kudos to you for that!

I wanted to give one feedback: it would be great if you used the word "suddenly" wisely. I read it many times during the story, which is FINE, but the length of the piece makes the reader feel that it is slightly overused.

Otherwise, brilliant writing!




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Points: 54
Reviews: 1

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Wed Nov 15, 2023 2:09 pm
ghxstfacx wrote a review...



I like how there aren't that many details to it. It gets straight to the point and I enjoy that. You get a better feel of her death not in a sad way but in more of an "oh wow" kind of way because it's almost like you can put yourself in the girl's place.

One thing I will say is you use suddenly a lot. It's not that big of a problem I just noticed it lol.




Isbah says...


Everyone who's read it has noticed that %uD83D%uDE02



Isbah says...


Don't know what happened to my emoji



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41 Reviews

Points: 8772
Reviews: 41

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Tue Nov 14, 2023 4:14 pm
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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello, new member!
Welcome to YWS! I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I'd check it out!


On first impressions, I noticed this was quite short and definitely to the point. You seemed to know exactly in what direction you wanted this story to go and how you wanted it to end. Which is great! You had the plot in your head, and you were able to put it on paper. Only so many people can do that successfully. So congrats to you for that!


But if I could offer any sort of advice, it would most likely be to lengthen your story just a smidge. In certain ways, it seemed like the pace was a little too rapid, and there just wasn't quite enough detail to support it.
As an example, I'm going to use paragraphs 4 and 5. You stated,

The people started panicking . Standing on the edge and observing the whole scene, the girl knew that this night was like no other. Something was going to happen. Suddenly , the ship hit a huge rock and the rock's pointy edge punctured a hole in the ship .

As the girl was holding her breath, about to drown, she saw her mother, telling her to not let go.But her breathing reflex took over , she opened her mouth and gulped in icy cold water. An unbelievable pain struck her chest and then she died. Her miseries came to an end .

There's a lot of missing time between these two paragraphs. Obviously, we can infer what happened, but some supporting details are always appreciated. It also tends to make a story easier for a reader to take in and comprehend.
If I could change it in any way, maybe even add another paragraph, it would look a bit like this:
The people started panicking. While standing on the edge and observing the whole scene, the girl knew this night was like no other. Something was going to happen, and in that moment, it did.

Suddenly, the ship hit a huge rock, and the force mixed with the sharp edges of the rock caused a giant hole to open on the side of the ship. With this, the ship began to rapidly fill with water, sinking and submerging everyone inside in the deep blue water.

As the girl was holding her breath, about to drown, she saw her mother, telling her not to let go. But her breathing reflex took over; she opened her mouth and gulped in icy cold water. An unbelievable pain struck her chest, and then she died. Her misery came to an end.

But it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it would have to be the way you incorporated the mother in the story to add a bit of light in the midst of a (quite literally) very dark situation. It adds moments of calm amidst the storm. (no pun intended.)


Overall, this was a decent story, but it definitely has room to get better. But that comes with time and practice. And that's what this website is for. So make the most of it!
I'll try to check out any other work you post in the future, and I wish you well, young one!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!





I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.
— Pablo Neruda