The fire of longing grows cold and dim within my heart,
Searching for a place where I belong,
Eyeing a young woman to push me along.
Just turn out the light.
The fire of longing grows weary and meek within my heart,
Seeking the power to become strong,
Reaching toward the heavens to hear God's song.
Just turn out the light.
I know this isn't for attention either,
I had love, I had passion, I had a will of fire,
But I gave up,
And I did not do all I could have done.
So please, just turn out the light.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey, It's a random person here to give you a review
I liked it. I love it so much when the title ties in really good and is repeated in the poem and you did that so well!
What is it meaning when it says turn out the light?
I love the imagery it painted a wonderful picture in my head as I was reading it.
A thing punctuation. I don't think you need punctuation at the end of every line, it kinda looks awkward at some points.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks.
Hi there, nit-picks/flow first:
I think the "within" doesn't quite fit the metre and I'm not sure why it's not just "in", which would.
This also seems a bit clunky. "become strong" isn't something people usually say. Normally it's just "strengthen" or "find strength". Obviously that wouldn't fit your rhyme scheme, but the issue you face is that it's fairly obvious you've used words that don't quite fit together to push your ideas into your rhyme scheme.
Overall:
I like the refrain in this a lot, especially your ending. You just bring in the idea of it not being about attention seeking, then add in the desperation in that "please" to make it obvious all of a sudden that the reason for wanting the light turned out is not wanting to be looked at.
I'm curious to know why this is, and I think it would make me more invested, but I'm not entirely convinced it's necessary. It is enough of a sentiment by itself that if for some reason or another you don't particularly want to make the reason for that clear, you probably don't have to. Have you gone from glory to failure and you are humiliated? You talk about love, did you lose your family? These are nice questions to have. I personally would like them answered, but I'm also enjoying speculating about them too.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Okay. I'll keep those things in mind. Thank you for the advice %uD83D%uDE01.