Chapter 1
Dmitri finds dragons drinking tea on thrones.
SATURDAY 30TH OF AUGUST …1873? RHINE RIVER, FLEURDUSK
Once upon a time, dim streetlights, dirt, and a million thorns surrounded me. The map my Grayhand, Sterling, gave me had a compass rose, sure, but I got lost anyway, and I went west instead of northeast. what I also got was a 6-year-old, Luna, following me, clapping, and calling for me as I tried to go back to Hearthward.
Here’s a play-by-play memory of yesterday:
Roses were all around me, on the edge of each pathway as I walked the cobblestone. Few people passed by, but quickly, the number of people trickled down to zero as I got closer to the Chamber of Velvet.
Being an actor and being lost went hand in hand. Without one, it’s like coffee without milk and sugar. I got to hunch over and act like that one story of the inventor from the Nutcracker or Belle’s father. Coco always wanted to be like Maurice. She carried around his antique goggles she stole once when outside of Hearthward (Shhh…).
The Chamber of Velvet loomed over the cobblestone. No one was around. I was pretty sure no one was particularly thrilled by the idea of imprisonment for a week before getting shredded and diced like meat before being thrown into a flame throwing dragon’s mouth.
The portcullis was fully shut and dark in the afternoon sunrise. The grey stone walls rising up, a series of prison cells shut and almost entirely empty except a man sobbing, hunched over his bed in the cell, he looked like he escaped an asylum or something. Sobbing the words, “I don’t want to be meat…” over and over again. I recognized him from a flyer Queen Applewhite had sent out, calling for a million red stars if he was found.
My monocle shifts. I adjust my monocle glass, and it falls down to the ground.
Luckily, glass isn’t the same as mirrors (I think. Coco never informed me on making glass). Mirror breaking is a strict no-no. Especially with the Trial of Mirrors coming up.
The glass is shattered, and my eyesight quickly gains back focus.
“I liked that pair…” I mumble and cover my hands with a pair of gloves in my pocket, also finding my shuffling cards in there. I pick up the glass carefully, sitting in front of the sign.
I heard footsteps and turn my head, people never came out to the Chamber of Velvet, who would come out?
It was Coco, fluffy bouncy hair, and orange-stained dress and all. “Dang, you want me to fix that? I got some new metal pieces I could bend.” Coco grins and knelt down beside me, picking up the pieces with me.
“It’s fine. I’ll get a new pair.” I said and picked up the remaining glass pieces, throwing them into the garbage.
“And spend your money on expensive brands? I don’t think so.”
“It’s fine. I have money to spare anyway.” I defend.
“Which you could spend on charity! Now hand me those. Now.” Coco demanded as she stood up, pocketing her stolen goggles. I hesitantly gave her the monocle and wait.
“Why are you here anyway?” Coco picked at her ends of hair, fidgeting with it as she looks at the Chamber of Velvet. “You know what the guards do.”
“Yeah, I do,” I said, “But I haven’t done anything illegal yet, so they can’t feed me to dragons. I got lost. My Grayhand gave me a map and told me to come back by dusk.” I showed her the map.
As she studied the map, I watched her blonde eyebrows furrow as she sees the compass rose. Her vitiligo was tanner, maybe she’s been spending less time in her room inventing and more time exploring, part of her skin like the color of espresso, a part of it lightly tanned. Her hair covers most of her face, though I see her confusion in her brown eye and green eye as she looks up at me.
“This map is detailed, but why is the compass rose tilted to the right?”
“Ask Sterling.” I sighed and reached in my pocket for my deck of cards. I look behind me.
I saw the guard standing at attention and glowering at us. “Also… let’s get out of here back to Hearthward.” I start speed-walking to not catch the attention of the guards.
“Wrong direction, Star Boy.” Coco corrected and grabbed my shoulder, using her strength from gardening and trial training to turn me back on track.
“Right. I knew that.” I wiped my hand across my forehead.
We start running when the guard is out of eyesight, but a gust of wind stops us. Fleurdusk was never windy. It was always either cloudy or rainy. Never windy.
The gust of wind stirred and slowed down. A distance away, I saw a girl our age with brunette hair with blonde streaks in the middle, the shade of Coco’s hair, but the girl’s hair frizzier and wavier. She had green eyes that bugged me since they looked an awful lot like Rapunzel’s.
I mean… Hades could’ve resurrected Rapunzel (with brunette hair), and this girl would’ve come up.
“Hey, what are you two doing out late?” The girl asked.
“We got lost, ma’am.” Coco said.
“Hmph.” The girl made a noise of frustration before deciding to help us. “Follow me, I need to get back to Hearthward too. My dad sent me to get some dreaming drinks. Bad insomnia. Trials are coming up and he’s worried sick for me.” Millie started walking, but since she’s a good thirty meters away, we sprinted to catch up. “Oh…” As Millie walked, she looked at me with a side eye, glancing at my facial features.
“What?” I asked. “If there’s blood on my face, I got cut on the hand and wiped it across-”
“No. Black curly hair, thick eyebrows, multiple pimples, light blue eyes? I’d know you anywhere. You’re Dmitri.” Millie said like an annoyance and her eyes flickered back in front of our small group.
“Pimples are normal for a thirteen-year-old…” I protested but continue walking. I studied the girl’s hands. There was nothing special about them. But they were able to send gusts of wind despite her not going through the trials yet.
“Are we almost to Hearthward? Its dark and chilly…” Coco asked, fidgeting with her ends of her hair again. Coco always forgot her coat. She likes her orange dress stained with coffee splatters and brown bodices with boots, but it never made her warm. I pass her a green ink pen from my pocket she could take apart and reconstruct.
“Yeah. We’re close to the…never mind. I think I could be imagining it.” Millie said quietly, “The skies been growing darker… I’m not just talking about tonight.” Millie looked up at the sky sadly. “Do you think Artemis and Astraeus have been doing their job?”
“As Gods of the sky?” Coco looked up too. “Well…we’re only mortal, so I don’t think we’re allowed to complain about the Gods job. They gave us the land, so I’m not gonna question what’s happening.”
The trials are held in Elaria Noir and Velaria Moir. The Gods created the little section of land for trials in the middle of Black Forest, Germany.
The trials are sacred and are covered in stone brick wall, and it’s the one time of the year where the dragons legally are allowed to watch and observe while drinking tea.
People who have gone through the trials say they’re cruel. That they destroy things and make you go through Hades just to get a home and a family.
But if going through Hades means finally settling down with a family where we cook moonberry pie and sing along to the music of our ancestors, so be it.
In the human world, people know the Princesses and have an entire theme park on them. Lala world…Mickey…whatever world. But the stories were true. In ancient times of A.D., they existed.
The God’s gave a flourishing land with foods and their princes, which later the princesses begged to die, which, only Gods know why. (Haha, get it?)
Hours later, we finally reached Hearthward. The Nameless Watcher was in his robes, the only skin we could see was his chin, the rest of his skin covered by robes and a hood.
We went silent since those were the rules around the Watcher. We quickly tip toed off to our homes. We waved off a new friend and I walk Coco to her tower. I made sure she climbed up safely before walking home.
And now, I’m walking between the borders of Beaumontina and Goldenlace, the bridge between Belle and Rapunzel’s province made of wood and creaking as hundreds walk over it. Some were talking excitedly, some were hunched over the railing of the bridge and throwing up from nerves, some were quietly walking.
Millie was the one hunched over, while me and Coco were talking excitedly, but not about the trials themselves, but what’s inside and what’ll come after the trials.
Coco was talking about how the trials were made while running her hands along the ivy railings.
I saw numerous kids, all of them looking different. Some clumsy kid in an entire medieval knight suit that was too big on him, some girl in Arabian robes, a girl with shorts on and a floral top. A wide range of clothes and people, but one caught my eye as he walked next to us.
He was focused on the water in front of us and the river boats. He had hazel eyes, black curly hair that was messy, a crooked nose, and looked like an emo Maurice as a kid. He had on a black trench coat with silver necklaces and a white undershirt. He smelt like leather and coal.
“Hey.” I greet hesitantly, still walking so people didn’t shove past me to get to the boats.
The guy didn’t respond at first, probably thinking I was talking to someone else before he responded, “Hello?” His voice was moody and quiet, looking at the ground.
“This is Coco, and this is Millie. I’m-”
“Dmitri. I know. I’ve seen your mirror programs since I was eight.” The guy stifles a grin, but his eyes showed his excitement.
“Oh? Uh…what’s your name?” I ask, Millie had stopped throwing up, but she looked really nauseous. Coco had kept walking, looking at me weirdly, silently warning me to not talk to strangers, but I ignored her anyway.
“Luther. Luther Arrow Del Valle.” Luther jittered.
The boats were just ahead, about thirty meters. Fog creeped on the land, just like a horror program I was in. Golden snakes hissed in the water, echoing on the lake.
“So, what are you looking up for?” Luther asked, trying to contain his fidgeting. “I can’t wait for my magic or to get a family and win the challenges.”
“Win? But there’s no winning?” I frowned in confusion.
“There’s always something to win.” Luther said defensively, “Jeez, if you don’t think that, how are you gonna succeed?”
I walked silently after that. Keeping my mouth shut.
“I’m pretty sure he already has.” Coco defends. I glance over, her different eyes looking at Luther frustratedly.
“Oh, look at the-” Millie tries to change the subject, but ends up throwing up instead. “Pretty boats…” She mutters after wiping her mouth off.
The five boats had dark wood planks, with sails painted with a swan, the nations symbol. The boat looked like it could hold two hundred people.
“The boats are from this year; you can tell by the carvings and wood.” Coco says, rambling about boats as we get closer to the boats and water, how they were made and thrifted from objects in Germany. “Y’know, before the boats, the kids had to swim through the water and try to not get bitten by the golden snakes. It’s why the Grayhands call it the Path of Survivors.”
Ten meters from the boats. Not that many meters away from snakes. Not that many meters from water. Or dragons sipping tea. Or swimming. Or fights.
But there is golden snakes. Tall towers with ivy. Gardens inside the maze. Pretty mirrors with gold crescents. A LOT. Of gold. Or pretty dresses (that are insanely uncomfortable for the ladies, respect). Fluffy bedding. Teacups I could paint over, which is most definitely allowed.
Slowly my nerves slowed into excitement and my steps were faster.
We boarded the boats and about an 8 dozen other people joined us on the boat. I sat next to Coco as Millie and Luther chatted about some dude named Shakespeare and his tragedies.
“So, if you know so much about boats, how many does this boat fit and how long will it take us?” I quiz since I know at least one answer and try to stop the nausea from exiting me and into the water. It might provoke the snakes.
“214 teenagers and about 6 hours, not including dropping the teens between Elaria Noir and Velaria Moir.
I got my answer, so now we were stuck for at least 6 hours, on water, with snakes. I reach in my pocket and put my deck of cards on the table. “…poker?” I request.
Coco studies the cards. “Fine. But I highly doubt after the trials your new family would like you playing poker.”
“Which is why I’ll sneak off and play poker with you and our new friends.”
“Friends? Dmitri, we hardly know
either of them.” Coco scoffs, “Stranger danger.”
“The trials are…a group
bonding experience.” I reason, shuffling the deck and putting five in front of
her and five in front of me.
So that was us for the next 6 hours. Playing poker and ignoring all the tension on the boat. It was eerily quiet except a guy and girl arguing about beliefs and Luther and Millie now talking about the cemetery near Hearthward, apparently Luther climbs on the mausoleums like a jungle gym and sits there, writing down musical notes he plans to play when he gets back to his cottage.
Eventually, Millie and Luther had joined us, but the boat ride was already almost over.
I could now not see any of the provinces or towers, but only fog and water, and the edge of Elaria Noir.
We had to make seven stops before me, Millie, Luther, and Coco got off the ship. I nearly jumped out, eager to get away from the water and golden snakes.
But me jumping off was useless, since up ahead, there were throned dragons in rural crowns and tea party hats, waiting for their Grayhand to finish brewing their teas, which some cups were 5 inches, while others were larger than my own body, feet to the top of my head.
Some dragons were the size of a horse, while some were the size of Rapunzel’s famous tower and as wide as thirty feet. A few of the larger and older looking dragons were looking at some of the kids including Millie.
I ignored the dragons (as best as I could) and looked at the gray brick walls, each brick holding a key and a mirror.
“So that’s why its called trial of mirrors.” Coco says.
“No, it was actually named after Mulan, the Gods made the trials in honor of her, since she wasn’t a princess.” Luther explains. “I think it’s 5 A.M.” Luther yawned. “Should’ve rested on the boat…”
Fog curled around the trial walls and thrones like silver ribbons. There were numerous trees, there were towers and estates of glass. Glowing white lilies, babies’ breath, and lilies of the valley grew between cobblestone cracks. There was dark archways and stained glass.
My eyes flicker back to the dragons, and I realize there’s three. One baby blue, one a grayish blue, one bright purple, with each throne having 4 sides and stained glass on each side. One side on the purple one having a rose, a thorn on the other side, a sword on another, and finally a red apple on the other. Belle, Aurora, Mulan, and Snow White.
Baby blue for Hades, grayish blue for Poseidon, and Purple for Zeus.
Dragons of the main brothers. Drinking tea in tea party hats.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and I’d like to review your opening chapter, using my personal review style, the Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Okay! So here we get an introduction to the story, featuring a humble yet very fun cast of characters, and a world that feels like mythology met fairytales—quite literally! Dmitri, Coco, and Millie set out to attend the trial of mirrors, meeting other attendees along the way, and we end on the beautiful yet ominous note of the three dragons in their thrones! Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Not bad! This definitely reads as a very fun and unique plot, and I love the high-fantasy aesthetics already. That said, I do feel like you may have struggled slightly with the general pacing, especially surrounding introductions and transitioning subjects/scenes. I can see that you were going for a very casual tone of narration, like Dmitri is recounting these events to someone he knows, but the issue is that Dmitri (and you) are very familiar with this world, whereas we are not. So a lot of the very casual references to these very whimsical concepts can be a bit confusing. Especially with so much going on (dragons, gods, princesses, oh my!). Likewise, some of the jumps felt very sudden and came across as quite jarring in the moment (I dropped some examples under "Where The Dagger Points...")
Descriptions and Setting: Lovely! You have some amazing settings in this piece, I absolutely love the aesthetics. It sounds so pretty and whimsical! And the details like the specific flowers growing in the dragons' area, or glass towers and estates, were truly enchanting! The only times I bumped into trouble, in terms of visualizing everything, were when I was trying to understand the world at large. For example, while we got some clues like streetlights, programmes, even Mickey and amusement parks, I was quite confused about the timeframe. Is this more old-fashioned and closer to the Edwardian era, or is this like Percy Jackson, a fantasy realm hidden within the Earth we know?
I get it's the first chapter, so I would take this back in a heartbeat if it gets covered in the second chapter. However, I do think this is where a description of the world would come in a lot of use—it doesn't have to spoil all the details, just covering enough to give us an idea of where we are. And believe me, I get that details like this can be a challenge to write in a first-person story, but I really think this'll help keep your readers from feeling lost!
Characterization: I am very much enjoying this cast already! Dmitri is a point of intrigue, given that he has some degree of recognition already. Coco and Millie's quirky natures definitely brightened up the chapter, and I love Luther's vibe already! I sense a lot of potential in this potential team...
Grammar and Wording: As far as writing quality goes, this was a very well-written chapter!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
This is where I put more specific, tiny things like typos and such. And there's not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
I must admit, I am curious what happened to Luna, as she seems to have just disappeared...I can't help but wonder if this could be written more clearly? To give the idea that the girl didn't just spontaneously disappear, but slinked off on her own sometime after reaching the chamber? Unless the mystery was intentional—it's just something I thought I'd remark on!
I think this is a good example of pacing and very abrupt shifts. One moment we have Coco talking about the gods, then immediately it cuts to talking about the trials and their location. Both great bits of information, but could use a bit more to link them—or if the subjects aren't linked, then writing a clearer transition from one subject to the next. Another good example is right here:
Cutting immediately from heading home to walking along the borders, with only "now" between them. I feel like even a simple "the next day" or "a few days later" would help a lot.
Minor typo, I think "smelt" should've been "smelled" here is all.
That’s all! And of course, this is just my opinion, and I am no professional, so please take all advice with a grain of salt. I still enjoyed this piece as it is!
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Alright! It's a bit too early for me to be forming theories, but I will gladly share some highlights, reactions, and what generally stood out as I read! Now, to start...
I LOVE the world you're building here thus far! It has such a whimsy fairytale vibe, yet at the same time, there's this subtle eeriness with the presence of the dragons, the impending trials, and this Chamber with the sobbing man. It's equal parts gorgeous and ominous!
I like Coco, she's fun!!
Ooo, love the fantasy vibes of "dreaming drinks." I always love seeing what special concoctions and spells will come from a fantasy story! ^^
My interest is piqued on the role of these gods, and why Millie is feeling this way about them...
Omg, the image of dragons just chillin' and sipping tea while watching humans? There is something a little silly about it that brings me happiness, plus so unique and cool! Love it!
Ah, such beautiful settings!! LOVE the aesthetics!!
MadThoughts...Overall, I definitely sense that there were some typical early-draft issues, and some common potholes that first-draft writing often inherently brings. Yet you clearly have a lot of writing talent, and a real knack for world and character design. I really hope to see you share more of your work on YWS soon!
In the meantime, nicely done, friend!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Hey there, and a belated welcome to YWS! I'm Silver, and I'm here on this fine Review Day to provide some feedback on this exciting first chapter!
It seems like you've got a really cool crossover in-world universe! Even without having read much and thus not having all the answers yet, I can tell you've put a lot of attention into the worldbuilding.
I love silly chapter descriptions. That sentence is really fun to me; it has the energy of a tongue twister without being one, if that makes sense! The setting line also made me curious-- especially the "uncertainty" of the year and the awareness that while the Rhine River is a real place, Fleurdusk isn't. (Also, out of curiosity, I checked what day of the week that would've been and it is indeed Saturday in the Gregorian calendar, so great attention to detail!!)
Ooh, that's a fun opening line. I'm guessing this paragraph happens after the rest of the chapter's action, because this Luna character never comes up in it? It was a little confusing, but I also know not everything can be elaborated upon in a first chapter.
Is Dmitri an actor? I got the impression he was training for some kind of competition, so if this is a hobby of his it might make sense to reference back to it more often!
This has strong "what are you doing here?" "Well what are YOU doing here?" energy and I am so here for it.
Quick note: if they're being glowered at, that presumably means they've been seen and they've already caught the guard's attention. It could be that the guard appears angry and is starting to look their way instead, so they need to get out of there?
Rapunzel's dead?? Oh dear :(
It reads a little oddly that despite not introducing herself in the dialogue, Millie suddenly goes from being a stranger and only referred to as "the girl" to being called her name in the same paragraph-- if Dmitri doesn't know her or recognize her partway through, where does he get her name for his narration?
Ooh, this lore is really interesting! It makes the resurrected comment about Rapunzel make more sense as well. I would advocate for this explanation to be a little more spread out through the chapter so it doesn't come across as "infodumping", but sometimes it just ends up together and that's fine-- some people like getting the answers to their questions all in one place.
The "ancient times of A.D." did throw me for a bit of a loop, since I assumed the date mentioned earlier (where the day of the week matched A.D. time) was in our era. If there is another age/era that follows it, it might be a good idea to give it a name and acronym and throw it in that setting line at the beginning!
Man, is the bridge really that scary? Feels like if a sizeable portion of the people walking over it were throwing up, something should be done about that.
Luther made me laugh with this. Poor Dmitri though, he was silenced... :'(
I only point this out because it might be helpful for Dmitri if he's a card game kind of guy, but poker is not actually played with a five-card hand! Instead, everyone gets two cards for themselves, and three cards are laid out in the center of the table face up. I'm pretty sure it's also not a two-person game. Maybe it would make more sense to replace poker with war, which is a two-person game? Alternatively, you might have more fun getting creative and coming up with your own in-world fictional card game!
This is a really neat setting description! I liked how it showed how the princesses/gods are both revered here, but in their different ways.
~ ~ ~
I hope some of this feedback is helpful and that you keep writing this story! You've got a great start, an intriguing world and a fun cast of characters. Again, welcome to YWS, and have a great rest of your day!
- silver :)