Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
"Did you miss me?" Lilith smiled brightly, an skip in her step as she approached the imprisoned. One of the men spat at her, "psychotic bastard."
She pouted, suddenly leaning forward in front of the man. "That's no fun. Didn't your parents teach you not to say bad words?"
"Oh right..." Lilith giggled, "They're dead aren't they?"
The man opened his mouth angrily for a response. A retort. Maybe even a poem. But sadly he wasn’t able to finish his soliloquy before Lilith plunged a dagger into his chest. He let out a gurgle, choking on his own blood, before keeling over. She tilted her head at the corpse, before turning toward the cellmate. “Terribly sorry about the mess, guess he just couldn't…handle a sharp conversation.”
The man's eyes widened in fear as Lilith’s laugh echoed across the basement. She leaned in closer, her grin widening, relishing in the terror she could sense radiating off him.
"Let's play a game," she whispered. "I'll ask you a question, and if you answer correctly, I might let you live just a little longer. How does that sound?"
The man swallowed hard, nodding hesitantly.
"Good boy," Lilith cooed, patting his cheek. "Now, tell me, what's the one thing you fear the most?"
His eyes darted around, searching for an escape that didn't exist. "You," he finally managed to croak out.
Lilith's laughter echoed off the walls. "Smart choice," she remarked, her fingers tracing the outline of a blade tucked into her belt. "But fear won't save you now."
Hello Honja. Happy Review Month! I'm Valkyria, and I'm here to review your lovely work. Let's get into it:
First Impressions: This little piece brings so much personality and tension.
It works very well as a flash fiction. Lillith is the highlight of the story. She is oozing with so much cruelty and takes a sadistic pleasure in seeing other people suffer.
In this story, there's good characterization, setting, and drama. Lillith's opening dialogue as she mocks the prisoner's dead parents immediately set her up as a sadistic person. The ending is great; it's a chilling scene. You realize just how dangerous she is.
Lovely job on this!
Banner by looseleaf
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a lovely little piece. Its got a very simple goal and you absolutely nail it here, Lilith really comes across a sadistic character who has quite a lot of power over the people here and enjoys it tremendously.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Did you miss me?" Lilith smiled brightly, an skip in her step as she approached the imprisoned. One of the men spat at her, "psychotic bastard."
She pouted, suddenly leaning forward in front of the man. "That's no fun. Didn't your parents teach you not to say bad words?"
"Oh right..." Lilith giggled, "They're dead aren't they?"
The man opened his mouth angrily for a response. A retort. Maybe even a poem. But sadly he wasn’t able to finish his soliloquy before Lilith plunged a dagger into his chest. He let out a gurgle, choking on his own blood, before keeling over. She tilted her head at the corpse, before turning toward the cellmate. “Terribly sorry about the mess, guess he just couldn't…handle a sharp conversation.”
The man's eyes widened in fear as Lilith’s laugh echoed across the basement. She leaned in closer, her grin widening, relishing in the terror she could sense radiating off him.
"Let's play a game," she whispered. "I'll ask you a question, and if you answer correctly, I might let you live just a little longer. How does that sound?"
The man swallowed hard, nodding hesitantly.
"Good boy," Lilith cooed, patting his cheek. "Now, tell me, what's the one thing you fear the most?"
His eyes darted around, searching for an escape that didn't exist. "You," he finally managed to croak out.
Lilith's laughter echoed off the walls. "Smart choice," she remarked, her fingers tracing the outline of a blade tucked into her belt. "But fear won't save you now."
Ohh how terrifying! This seems to be part of a bigger story, but it still stands strong on its own! I would love to learn more about the backstory of what is all happening here, was she the one who imprisoned them? Or is there a bigger mastermind?
You did a great job at making Lilith truly be a "psychotic bastard", from her evil giggling and "cooing", I loved the use of the word coo by the way.
The line "relishing in the terror she could sense radiating off him." Gave me goosebumps! Also just a random thought, am I crazy for imagining Lilith as somewhat sexy and seductive? Not sure if she's an ugly witch, but she sounded hot to me LOL
I loved the gory imagery and dark scene! You did great at keeping it short and sweet to keep readers attention locked in!
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