Young Writers Society

Hi Harry,

Mailice back with a short review!

That was really very unexpected in this part. Who would have thought that we would see the Dirt King again? I was very surprised and am curious to see what will happen next. How will Harry react to having Terry with him? One thing I liked was the way he resisted and you could see that he looked like a petulant child. I also liked the build-up of tension that Johnson showed up and how that broke the ice a little bit.

But I also thought that now we are in the third part, the pace increased a bit too quickly. I thought there were a few things that happened too much, that it should only have happened within a few minutes. I think this surprise from Johnson is actually a good cliffhanger for the last part of the chapter, but I also think that the next puzzle falls into the background a bit, where we actually had the main focus in the first two parts.

On the other hand, I welcome this way that it splits and opens up something new, but as I said, maybe you could have done it a little differently there, like Johnson coming in and wanting to talk to Harry in a private short conversation, which then also helps build the new arc of tension so that the reader doesn't continue to stay with the riddle.

Other points I noticed while reading:

"Oh gosh, that's way too long," said Dave, "but at least it’s pretty clear that we should be following along that before we take a look at riddle two."

Dave, that's not nice. No one is commenting that this actually sounds quite good and nice? Then I will do it.

"WHAT?" asked Harry, "you don't mean that Terry...son of a bi.... cycle...do you?"

You keep it child-friendly. Very good.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Ah yay, a riddle! And it's definitely quite mysterious-sounding too— I particularly like the word "athenaeum," and I wonder what the son of a car that lies in a jar is. Overall, this sounds like it'll be an exciting adventure for Rose and Harry! ^-^

Okay, so one little thing I'd like to point out is the punctuation in the riddle/poem, which doesn't seem consistent to me. The first section uses more commas than the second, and I feel like some lines could be separated into sentences. Here's what I think could work:

Here lies the great athenaeum,

that dwarfs the old museum.

Search among the times past,

for the few words that last.

Within these halls of gold,

wherein many tales do unfold,

lies one tale that is untold,

within a sanctum of old.

If thou doth seek,

this place of wisdom,

find the key of the bleak,

and a tale of freedom,

from the son of a car,

that lies now in a jar.

But to open the hall

around the ancient wall,

find the start of Catalan

among the dark granite.

dDo not fear colors that wan,

nor the letters of the night.

Inside the gilded halls,

around the ancient walls,

lies the first key to the pall

into which thee must fall.

Of course, though, this is just my opinion! I think it’s pretty awesome that you wrote a whole riddle for this— it’s super cool how you get to read about how the characters figure the riddle out, and how it all makes sense in the end. C: I’m excited to see where you go with this!

…so here I am to order the three of you to get looking for it," said Johnson.

So firstly, I was a bit confused by the word “it,” because it seemed like Johnson was talking about ordering them to look for the map xD (I realized he was actually probably talking about what the map lead to though :P) This could just be me, but perhaps you could clarify it a bit?
Secondly, I love that Harry and Rose are going to be teaming up with Terry! I hope they get on friendlier terms, eventually? (Enemies-to-friends relationships are always fun for me to read!) I’m also looking forward to learning more about the mysterious Dirt King…

…said Johnson, a look of almost pleading on his face.

Interesting! Seeing that Johnson is their boss, I wonder why he might have a pleading look on his face… is he that worried that they won’t get along? Hmm, it’d also be interesting to learn more about Johnson…

Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter part— and the riddle! Also I’m typing this on mobile, so hopefully the quotation marks don’t get messed up or anything xD Anyways, keep writing, and have a wonderful day/night!! =D

Oooh ok they're actual riddles rather than codes or secret messages! I'm impressed you had time to come up with this, it's such a nice addition to the book!

Search among the times past,

I would remove the here as I think it makes it sound more mysterious.

I tried to review the riddle as though it were a poem but you've got so many rhyming schemes and patterns in there that it was starting to hurt my head. I think you might need a more experienced poet to have a look over that one
I'm surprised you kept changing the rhymes - I personally found that made it a bit harder to read but I guess that could have been because I was trying to read it as a reviewer... not sure!

Particularly, this bit felt clunky

Inside the gilded halls

around the ancient walls

lies the first key to the pall

into which thee must fall.

Because you've almost got all four lines rhyming but going from plural to singular made the flow feel off to me!

"Oh gosh, that's way too long," said Dave, "but at least it’s pretty clear that we should be following along that before we take a look at riddle two."

What exactly makes that clear? They haven't even looked at the second one yet, is it just the numbers? Why couldn't they mean something else? I think you're in danger of falling into the trap of your characters knowing things just because you do. Dave could make an educated guess, sure, but maybe someone could call him out on it, or he could sound uncertain?

"Yup, if the big number wasn't enough, they specifically say, the first key. That has to mean this is the first step on the journey to whatever it is we're protecting here," said Clara.

Hmmm, ok, but I still think you're making things a bit too easy for them

Wait a minute, what exactly are we protecting?" asked Harry.

"Didn't Johnson tell you that part?" asked Clara.

"I mean we're protecting the case right?" said Harry.

This is a lot of the same sentence/speech structure, maybe change it up a bit.

"I believe you two got off the wrong foot, Harry," said Johnson, "I had a very enlightening conversation with him and I have reason to believe that he was not lying. I'll let him explain everything to you himself. For now, just trust that he's not your enemy."

Wow, I wonder what Terry said in order to get Johnson to trust him! I like that we're starting to tie up the storylines now though, it will make things easier to follow.

"Excellent, I believe you two will get on that right away.

Strange way of phrasing it - isn't he ordering them to do so?

"I know you two probably don't appreciate this right now, but trust me it will get better," said Johnson, a look of almost pleading on his face.

Also a weird reaction from their boss! I wonder what Terry's said to make himself trustworthy.


I think in general this whole chapter can be slowed down - have them agonise over working things out before jumping to conclusions - maybe something Johnson says could inadvertently help them without him realising it?

I'm ready for the next part of the chapter now, back to Terry!

Hope this was helpful

Icy