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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 4.3

by HarryHardy


The briefcase sent out a massive shock wave of energy with a loud 'KA-BOOM', the still twisting blue sparks getting flung outwards along with it. Harry instinctively made an X with his arms, causing a hasty blue shield to flicker to life just in time to get the worst of the shock wave, but the momentum still managed to send him flying. Acting fast, he turned his impromptu take off into a three point roll, and came up standing, face mere inches from the wall.

He immediately looked for Rose. She was lying on the floor, a dome of pink energy covering her. Her eyes were closed. He ran over to her and knelt down. Please don't be hurt. As he tried to touch the shield, it flickered out and Rose opened her eyes. Harry let out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding.

"Please tell me you're okay," Harry said as she sat up stiffly.

"I'm fine, managed to get down fast enough," she answered, giving him a smile.

"Oh...you went for that spell...I just straight up shielded against it and uh...."

"...got flung across the room," she finished.

"Well...not flung...more like uh...."

"I would love to wait till you figure out a synonym, but we have a dirt king to catch," she said, scrambling to her feet.

"Oh right! Where did that man go?"

"Well, wherever he went, he took the briefcase," Rose said.

Harry spun around sharply. The briefcase was indeed gone. Dang...dude is good.

"Think he teleported?" he asked.

"Not likely....if I remember right that spell he used was a general scrambler which means..."

"....none of us are going to be teleporting for at least an hour. Then he must be close."

" Come on then let's get out of here...also the last time I checked the hand movement for the shield spell was a circle, when did it become an X?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Wakanda Forever!!" shouted Harry in reply, before charging out the window and jumping off the balcony. He concentrated, and soon he was soaring along as an eagle, scanning the area for any sign of a blue shirt.

He looked back to check on Rose. She was riding on top of an air cushion, following a few feet behind him.

After a few seconds of flying, thanks to his eyesight as an eagle, he saw the dirt king. He was a speck of blue running across the roof of a building next to the park. Harry transformed back into a human, splaying out his hand to create an air cushion.

'HE'S ON TOP OF THE BUILDING!!" he yelled as he brought his hands together and dived down towards the roof. Behind him, Rose nodded and dived down after him.

As the two of them landed, the dirt king was already jumping onto the next roof. Well...time to bust out the fancy parkour. Harry wasted no time in giving chase.

The man turned. He sent two black curses at them as he quickened his pace.

Harry glowed a bright blue as he slashed his way right through the spell while Rose’s pink shield absorbed the curse headed for her. She fired off her own spell chain; a tripping spell, bone breaker and blood boiler.

The dirt king clamped his hands together and the air around him flickered with light. The spell chain hit it and bounced back. He leapt into the air, over two rooftops, turning in mid air to fire a wall of water. He hit the ground and rolled, slamming his palm, glowing an eerie midnight black, against the roof. He resumed running, as the rooftop began to bubble, liquid concrete rising up and solidifying.

Harry summoned up his own personal light show, intending to deflect it back at the man, but the deflected spell careened off to the side. Oh dang...that scrambler did a bit more than the usual.

He managed to dart out of the way of the wall of water and turned to see Rose meet it head on with a stream of fire. There was an almighty hiss and a giant column of steam erupted where the two spells met. Rose rolled under it and landed on the roof behind him.

The concrete began to turn into several large creatures. An actual dragon. Holy Macaroni. But wait? SQUIRRELS? Seriously? A pack of ten squirrels and one large dragon snarled at them in unison.

"I'll handle them, you stay on his tail," said Rose, sizing up the creatures.

“I don’t like it but we do have to catch him today,” agreed Harry, nodding reluctantly.

"I'll be fine," she said, giving him a small smile. She turned towards the creatures and concentrated. A large shield flared to life. The creatures charged.

Harry charged right at the largest one, the dragon. He waited until the last second before launching off the ground and landing right on the dragon's head. A whispered spell and he took off, flying across the next roof.

Harry landed with a thump, now only one roof behind the frantically running dirt king. Concrete creatures? Try this Mr. Dirt. He waved his hand and a big blob of ice shot off, elongating into a long thin spike. It hurtled after the man.

The dirt king ducked the spike hurtling after him. Come on spell. Please work. Skewer me a dirt man. The spike suddenly stopped in midair, changed direction and headed straight back at the man. Yes! The man pointed at the rooftop in front of him waving his hands. A wave of cheese appeared out of the rooftop and garnished the spike with cheesy goodness. Is that mozarella? The cheese is this guy doing? No wait...probably that scrambler. That was probably meant to be a wall. The man ran behind a satellite dish mounted on the wall. The spike followed.

Harry managed to catch up as the man proceeded to do a credible impression of a ballet dance as he dodged the spike's repeated attempts to skewer him. While the man was distracted with that, Harry took the time to look back at Rose.

The dragon was now a large stone sculpture that was missing a head. The squirrels however, were only sporting several large cuts. No scorch marks were to be seen. It looked like Rose had been trying not to use blasting hexes. Guess she doesn’t want to leave a hole in the roof. As he watched, she managed to decapitate several of the squirrels and vaulted over the rest of them. She was panting heavily and moving a lot stiffer than normal, which concerned him. Must be the bandages. Suddenly, there was a sudden increase in the surrounding heat.

Harry whirled around to see that his spike had been incinerated. He immediately had to duck as a barrage of black curses flew at him. Harry returned fire, firing off several lightning bolts, and rolling away. The man conjured a small shield on his arm and batted them aside although he appeared to be tiring. The dirt king was panting heavily, like he’d just run a mile. That’s unusual. Unless that was a diagnostic sequence that he was casting earlier.

Still trying to catch his breath, the man didn’t fire back. Harry took the opportunity to size him up, mentally running through his list of attacks. The dirt king appeared to be doing the same as the two of them walked around in a circle like two boxers about to start their fight. Hmm...do I surprise him or do I just stall long enough to Rose to get here?

Before he could come to a decision, gunfire rang out and he was suddenly very thankful for the level five armor as two bullets struck him on the side. As it was, it still hurt like hell. That's going to leave a mark. He turned to see three attackers, carrying assault rifles, land on the rooftop. Is that...lightning lady? He didn't have much time to figure that out as he immediately erected a large blue shield and ran for the satellite dish to find cover. Harry risked a glance at the dirt king. He was using the briefcase as a makeshift shield and it was blocking everything. However, as Harry watched one of the bullets hit him right in the thigh. It didn’t pierce the cloth but it was enough to make him stumble and drop the briefcase. Well we’re not the only ones who thought of armor. He bent down to pick up the fallen case but a hail of gunfire prevented him from touching it. The man scrambled towards the same satellite dish Harry was headed for.

The woman, by now Harry was positive that it was the lighting lady, walked up to the fallen briefcase and put her foot on it.

"I believe this belongs to me," she said.

"Absolutely not," replied the dirt king as he ducked behind the satellite dish," that belongs to the Order of Wesemonesas."

Harry came up on the satellite dish and hesitated for a second. Do I become Swiss Cheese or risk being this close to dirt man? Another round of gunfire decided it for him.

"Not anymore it doesn’t," replied the woman, keeping her gun trained on the satellite dish, her men copying her actions,” not to them, not to anyone else.”

"But you..." began the dirt king but was cut off by gunfire.

“Shut up!!" she shot back.

Harry watched all of this unfold with no small amount of confusion. Dirt king was staring accusingly at the woman, who was rapidly paling. This is escalating quickly.

"You’re..." began the man again only to be cut off by another hail of gunfire.

"Crap. Crap. Crap," mumbled Harry. Oh Rose please get over here fast. This cover isn't going to hold for long.

The woman leveled a glare at them. She picked up the case and turned to her two henchmen. "Kill these two! I have to ensure this gets back.” She turned on her heel and vanished in a flash of green light.

The men raised their guns.


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Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:58 am
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brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello comrade!
There are enough reviews here already so i wont say much.

The dirt king clamped his hands together and the air around him flickered with light. The spell chain hit it and bounced back. He leapt into the air, over two rooftops, turning in mid air to fire a wall of water. He hit the ground and rolled, slamming his palm, glowing an eerie midnight black, against the roof. He resumed running, as the rooftop began to bubble, liquid concrete rising up and solidifying.

It looked like Rose had been trying not to use blasting hexes. Guess she doesn’t want to leave a hole in the roof.

I don't think you need to worry about collateral damage Rose. I mean a wall of water, Liquid concrete and all the other stuff, doesn't seem like collateral damage is a concern.

"Absolutely not," replied the dirt king as he ducked behind the satellite dish," that belongs to the Order of Wesemonesas."

Nice name, Wesemonesas is it another secret organisation?

Harry came up on the satellite dish and hesitated for a second. Do I become Swiss Cheese or risk being this close to dirt man? Another round of gunfire decided it for him.

"Crap. Crap. Crap," mumbled Harry. Oh Rose please get over here fast. This cover isn't going to hold for long.

That's one tough satellite dish if i do say so myself.

That's all I had really. Overall Its well written and it seems like your trying to make your characters dialogue feel more natural which is great! I don't have any tips for that other than talk to a lot of different people and mix and match the way people talk to fit your character.
Other than that the flow was pretty good and I am to tired to check for grammar and stuff.
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Ooop yaa...well Rose likes to be careful.
Ahh...that name...fun fact..it is an anagram of Awesomeness, yaa I like leaving cheeky ones like that. For example the title Hisderat is an anagram of Read This.
-Yaa that satellite dish is definitely going to be useless after this fight is done.
Thanks again!!



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Sun Aug 02, 2020 5:46 am
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EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello there! Thank you for requesting a review. I'm looking forward to seeing where this chapter goes.

I think the opening scene has an interesting tone to it, mostly because it seems like this is an important moment - the Dirt King has managed to flee Harry and Rose and had taken the case with him, for the second time. However, those first two paragraphs seem quick paced, and then the conversation that follows is a bit more relaxed.

I would actually suggest to not have too many blatant pop culture references - i.e. "Wakanda forever" stated by Harry, as this world isn't really established to be "truly" Modern Earth in Modern Day, or somewhat futuristic/fantasy-based world, due to their "agent" status and having "powers."

Besides that, I really wonder how the magic works in this world. I understand that everyone seems to have their own "color" when using their power, but I'm not sure if this means that characters have access to all kinds of magic - using a shield, then turning into an eagle in Harry's case, or creating small-time portals, and then somehow zipping away with a case in Dirt King's case. Interesting!

Okay, let's continue. This next battle scene reads a bit awkward, mostly for me because of the logistics of where everyone is. With the random appearance of all the animals, (which I'm not quite sure how they were created, besides just from a random spell) I'm picturing a rather chaotic location, and I'd imagine plenty of regular people might be witnessing some rather odd things. Past that, I think not enough explanation is given to the effects of these spells -- mostly what everything "casted" has done/changed as it feels like a lot is happening, but I can't really keep up with everything, if that makes sense.

I like the ending to this, mostly because this ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, but with leaving the reader with a few clues -- as to what the case might be for, if there is a connection between the Dirt King and Pink Lady.

Hmm. This leaves me with some questions but also interest to see what might happen next!




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Oh yaa the magic is explained very little in this one....I have a huge like very complicated system that I built but I'm only revealing like 5% here sorta just enough to know.
Ahh...okay hmmm yaa similar to what Que said, this part along with Chapter 2 looks like they both need some rewriting in the second draft. Will be keeping all this in mind.
Thanks again!!



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Sun Aug 02, 2020 1:00 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hello again, HarryHardy!

Ah yes, back into the action we go...!

"...got flung across the room," she finished.

"Well...not flung...more like uh...."

"I would love to wait till you figure out a synonym, but we have a dirt king to catch," she said, scrambling to her feet.

"Oh right! Where did that man go?"

This strikes me as the wrong spot for humor, it kind of diminishes the urgency of the dirt king's disappearance. Maybe they could first check that they're both okay, realize the dirt king is gone, then look for him and then chat about being flung while getting back to the main point. I'm not sure, but putting this scene in there, however cute it is, does tend to undermine the seriousness of the action, just wanted to let you know.

"But you..." began the dirt king but was cut off by gunfire.

“Shut up!!" she shot back.

Harry watched all of this unfold with no small amount of confusion. Dirt king was staring accusingly at the woman, who was rapidly paling. This is escalating quickly.

I'm not quite sure why the woman is paling? It seems like she is more in control/aggressive since she's yelling, and he's just trailing off, so I'm not sure what she has to be afraid of.

that belongs to the Order of Wesemonesas.

Re: EternalRain, I'm very curious about this too! I wonder if it's an organization that Rose and Harry are aware of...? And whether it's a good force or bad!

Hm so I usually have more specifics, but it's hard to mince words with battle scenes so I'm just going to go for some more general comments on this chapter.

I think this fight scene was a lot easier to follow than the very first one--now readers have more of a sense of which characters are which, what kind of magic can be used, and the color system of the magic. That's a really good thing for this chapter, because it made things easier to follow.

That being said, some of the things which still confuse me are: Where did the suitcase go? I know it came back into play at the end, and it was presumed to be with the dirt king, but it just wasn't the point of focus for a long time. Also, what exactly did the scramble spell do?? It seemed to make them unable to teleport, plus it messed up some of the dirt king's spells, but it didn't mess up Rose/Harry's spells (or at least not as much), sooo I wasn't sure how far its effects spread.

What might help in this chapter is streamlining a little bit and having a clearer focus. My general sense of what's going on through Harry's eyes is something like: yes okay dirt king, WAIT ROSE let me check what she's up to, now focus on dirt king, analyze all the spells that are occurring right at this moment and why they might be happening, WAIT CHEESE? (I'm really exaggerating, it's written a lot better than that!)

This is just to make the point that it's a little bit back and forth. It's hard to find a narrative thread because Harry seems to be overthinking everything. Yes, it's good to know what Rose is doing at this time, but it can be done with a quicker aside; maybe Harry hears a noise, knows it's Rose, but knows she can handle whatever it is and ignores it. I know he's concerned for his friend, but they've been working together long enough that they know when to shut up and do their separate jobs (presumably).

I think overall that you just need a clearer driving force: yes, Harry's worried about Rose, he's confused about squirrels and the wall of cheese, but if he were more directly focused on the dirt king, then I think the narrative would feel a little less jumpy and more... propelling? If that makes sense.

Other than that, it's doing really well! Like I said, definitely less confusing than the last battle scene. You left us on another really big cliffhanger! I'm very concerned about the fact that the lightning lady has followed them as well.

Also, I hope we get another Rose perspective chapter in the future!! Happy writing. :)

-Q




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for the review!!
Oh...I have done that a lot these days...putting humor into everything.
Ahh....the woman paling...that's a little clue there...she has a very good reason to be very scared of what Terry was about to say.
And yaa...Harry and Rose, their spells being less affected has to do with the magic system...I think the next chapter might clear it up but if you want I'll explain why...(I made this magic system way too complicated.)
Hmm...I'll try to streamline this more...this would need a total rewrite in some places so I'll highlight this to fix when I get to my second draft. I think I went overboard with Harry turning because I really wanted to show Rose fighting squirrels but the rooftop confrontation had to be Harry POV. This is me writing 3rd person limited and wishing it was third person omnipotent for this battle scene.
Thanks for pointing it out and I'm glad the battle makes more sense now. And strap in 'cause this battle isn't quite done yet.
Glad you liked the cliffhanger!
Thanks again!! :)



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Fri Jul 31, 2020 7:03 pm
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EternalRain wrote a review...



WHAT UP !

Sorry I'm a bit late with this, a lot of my motivation has disappeared.

Anyway, what a fun action-packed chapter! I think my favorite part was towards the end when "lightning lady" appears, swiftly picks up the bag, and commands her henchmen to kill them. I mean, intense on Harry's side, but wow!

The concrete began to turn into several large creatures. An actual dragon. Holy Macaroni. But wait? SQUIRRELS? Seriously? A pack of ten squirrels and one large dragon snarled at them in unison.


This is crazy! I am somewhat confused about this though, and a bit more description reinforcing what's going on could be nice? Are the squirrels and the dragon a spell the dirt king conjured up? Lots of interesting things have happened already in the story but a concrete dragon is kinda new xD Maybe something like Harry being like "oh, it's one of [insert spell name] spells" just to enlighten the reader a little bit.

I agree with whatcha a bit on the silliness/intensity balance; I think a bit more intensity later in the chapter would be nice. I mean, maybe Harry is just this really light-hearted guy, but emotional description would be nice, ie how is Harry feeling? This could potentially be enough to balance it out so that you can keep the silly thoughts Harry has but also incorporate a more intense feeling.

OH- I also love how we got this little snippet of information:

"Absolutely not," replied the dirt king as he ducked behind the satellite dish," that belongs to the Order of Wesemonesas."


I definitely am very intrigued now. It seems as if there might be conflict between who this mysterious case rightfully belongs to (or is it something dangerous like some secret weapon that could be bad in the hands of the wrong person?)

Can't wait to read more,
Peace,
~EternalRain




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
I'll definitely have to rewrite that last bit of dialogue by the sound of this.
And the spell...ahh...I'll look into it.
Glad that you liked that little titbit of information. Answers may or may not be coming on to this mysterious case. ;)
Thanks again!! :)



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Tue Jul 28, 2020 5:48 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi Harry, I'm here for another review. Sorry for the delay!

This chapter is pretty action-packed! I think you still had a good amount of dialogue and descriptions, so I don't mind that this whole chapter was basically fighting.

Speaking of dialogue, it feels pretty natural and informal for the most part, which I enjoyed, however there are a couple places where it feels a bit too silly or something. Especially near the end, where Harry, the Dirt King, and Lighting Lady are fighting, I think the dialogue should be a bit more serious. There are places for lighthearted banter, which you're really good at, but a life-and-death situation doesn't seem like one to me.

A very very minor nitpick I noticed throughout the chapter is double exclamation points - there's nothing explicitly wrong with using two, it just feels a bit less like a polished piece of writing. I put all of the places where you use them in the spoiler below.

Spoiler! :
"Wakanda Forever!!" shouted Harry in reply,

'HE'S ON TOP OF THE BUILDING!!" he yelled as he brought his hands together

“Shut up!!" she shot back.

"Timeout!!" shouted Harry. Oh Rose please kill those stupid squirrels

Again, you don't need to change them if you don't want to, just something to think about.


Also, something I want to point out that's always a good thing to keep in mind while writing is to describe, not tell. I think I've mentioned this before, so I won't go into detail, but there are a few instances where you could let the reader know something a bit less directly.

This is just an example:
He looked back to check on Rose.


You could alter it slightly, to be along the lines of
He craned his neck back, worried about Rose.

You don't have to change this specifically, I think it's fine as it in this case - I just used it as an example of how you could imply something to the reader rather than telling them.

I'm liking the magic system, it's seeming pretty consistent so far, so well done on that! I also like the characters, and I agree with Icy that it's nice seeing Rose being more capable in this chapter.

That's it for my review, sorry it took me so long! I hope it's helpful, and as always, if you've got any questions just ask. I can't wait to read the next chapter!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Oh well exclamation points...force of habit...all of those are typos.
And the conversation...okay...I'll try to change it up a bit.
The telling part also I'll look through it.
Glad that you're finding this consistent so far.
Thanks again!!





Hey Harry!
The new dialogue fits a lot better with the situation! It's less jokey but it still has a light-ish feel that goes nicely with the rest of the book :)
also the cookies were delicious



HarryHardy says...


Thanks for taking the time to go over it again!
:D
glad you liked the cookies



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Tue Jul 21, 2020 9:26 am
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Sorry this took me a couple of days, but I'm now here to review :)
I had a quick refresh of the last chapter so I'm good to go!

He immediately looked for Rose. She was lying on the floor, a dome of pink energy covering her. Her eyes were closed. He ran over to her and knelt down. Please don't be hurt.

No Rose, not again!

"I would love to wait till you figure out a synonym, but we have a dirt king to catch," she said, scrambling to her feet.

Scrambling feels like the wrong word here, as she was pretty winded a second ago. Maybe try something that conveys a bit less speed ;)

"Oh right!! Where did that man go?"

Not a fan of the double exclamation mark, personally. Also, how has Harry forgotten what they're supposed to be doing?

"Wakanda Forever!!" shouted Harry in reply, before charging out the window and jumping off the balcony.

Lol.


Harry transformed back into a human, splaying out his hand to create an air cushion.

Oh, he was actually an eagle! I thought that was a metaphor!

SQUIRRELS? Seriously? A pack of ten squirrels and one large dragon snarled at them in unison.

I get that this is a humorous novel but for me, this took it a bit too far. If the squirrels don't have a purpose beyond being funny, I'd say remove them.

The men raised their guns.

Who brings guns to a magic fight?

Ok, so this section was very fast paced and full of action! I liked a lot of it, but I'm still sometimes a bit thrown by Harry's internal monologue. I feel like it brings me out of the action and sometimes ruins the urgency of the scene.

I like seeing Rose hold her own a bit more here too, I know Harry worries about her but sometimes she seems a bit too incapable. Like, they're supposed to be partners so shouldn't they be pretty evenly matched?

That's my thoughts for this one anyway! Feel free to tag me in the next one :)

Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thanks for the review!!
Harry forgets it because he's still worried about Rose there. Also the extra exclamation mark is a typo. Oops.
The squirrels are not well squirrels, they are large concrete constructs. Terry just used the shaped of a squirrel accidentally because of the scrambling spell. Same reason why the cheese happened. Their spells aren't functioning the way they are supposed to.
A lot of people bring guns to a magic fight...no one is faster than a bullet after all. ;)
Also I was definitely trying for Rose being evenly matched. Not sure how she came off as less capable?
I'll definitely tag you as long as I don't forget
Thanks again :D



IcyFlame says...


She definitely comes off as more capable here, it was more in previous chapters!



HarryHardy says...


Ohh....right. That makes sense. Thanks for clearing that up. :D



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Mon Jul 20, 2020 4:34 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello Harry.

I've read along from the previous chapters, so I believe I know about everyone and all of the plot lines. I'm finally early enough to get a review in without others doing better than me. Let's get into the review now.

So, I found some small little errors throughout.

Spoiler! :
Just a few here. Anything bold is missing and anything italicized means take out.

Unless that was a diagnostic sequence that he was casting earlier.


...

"But you..." began the dirt king but was cut off by gunfire.


There's more, but those are examples.


Onto the rest of the review,

The action in this chapter was fun. It also has some good dialogue paired along with it, funny and serious. It was pretty moderate, so I can't really complain much, but some areas could've been written differently. Not a big change, but some description can help.

And good way to close it off. It was a bit of a cliffhanger, and those are rude interesting. It was an ending, but as I mentioned before, detail is lacking in some areas where it could help you with your writing.

I don't have much to say besides all that, so that's all-




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!!!




"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)