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The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 10.4

by HarryHardy


She took a look at Terry. It was an expression she hadn’t expected to see on the man. There was a slight concern to the way he was furrowing his eyebrows. Even though he looked impassive, she could see some genuine worry as the black tendrils grew even faster, now mere inches from Harry.

At the last moment, a faint blue light stirred to life, and the tendrils blasted into hit, hissing and spluttering. But it didn’t seem to be enough. The blue was barely visible and clearly already starting to crack. She took a step forward.

The blue light slowly started to get stronger, holding its own against the tendrils as the cracks started to heal. But this light was different, it wasn’t the usual clean blue color that she’d gotten so accustomed to seeing. This seemed different. There was a slight pink tinge on its edges, along with hints of purple and green. It looked like a miniature rainbow had been stitched onto the blue wall of light.

This one held strong, and soon the tendrils began to vanish, the blue light now spreading outwards, seeming to soak up the black fungus, wiping it off the wall. The darkness began to intensify again and a wave of blue light, the multicolored edge now even more pronounced, blasted outwards. With it, the darkness vanished, the pen light suddenly lighting everything up once more. The temperature rose back to normal.

Harry took a step back from the wall, and flashed them a thumbs up.

“Alright, lots of good news,” he said.

“Does that mean there’s a little bad news?” asked Rose.

“Maybe a tiny bit,” said Harry, “but nothing too serious.”

“Start with the bad news,” said Rose.

“That took up a lot more magical energy than I expected a simple area scanner to take because of that weird tendril thing so I’m going to have to be a tad bit careful with magic going forward,” he said.

“Oh that’s definitely serious,” said Terry, “I was like a hundred percent depleted in the fight on the rooftop earlier so even after this long I'm relatively low.”

“Come to think of it I'm not exactly anywhere being at max power either” said Rose, “we should've probably brought some guns.”

“Probably,” said Harry, nodding, “but that's the only bad news so I think we’re good for the moment.”

“Hmm…on with the good news then,” said Rose.

“The good news is, we have ghosts in there, none of which fall into the poltergeist category so if things do get hairy, we are not getting scratched or pushed around. And they also seem to be anchored in there pretty strongly. Those guys aren’t leaving without possessing a host which explains that last line,” said Harry.

“And that last part is supposed to be good news?” asked Terry, not looking convinced.

“It is,” said Harry, before quietly adding, “if you look at it from the right angle.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Terry.

“As long as you have a strong will and decent amount of control over your mind, you should be totally fine in the event of a possession, besides you have a necromancer with you,” said Harry, taking a quick bow.

“So how do we get in, maybe another secret entrance?” asked Terry, “although the riddle clearly didn’t have any more to it.”

“Ohh, this is actually a..." said Harry, poking around the wall. His finger suddenly went right through the wall. He smiled. “Illusion.”


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 6:47 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,

Mailice again here with a short review! :D

We have a really strong build-up towards the beginning in this part, where I was very excited to start. It also had a good effect after you left off like that in Part 3. I think also in a longer chapter this would be a good point to insert a new section and let the reader take a breath before continuing. I liked the descriptions here and I must honestly say that at times it felt as if this was a whole new beginning for a chapter. Definitely well written and I think you should stick with that.

In general, I liked this build up in this part. It was mysterious and great, you felt like you were there, even if you couldn't see very much. That's also a bit of my criticism: you give the chapter the title and you didn't see very much of it. I can understand how you mean it and how you built it up (and I already know how the chapter ends in Part 5), but I think a little hint would have been enough to see how exactly Harry was working there. That was my point, so to speak, that I was working towards in this chapter.

You always expect something when you read the title of a chapter and these expectations are not fulfilled, so of course the reader won't be so happy. But as I said, it's only a small point when one knows what's still to come. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

xD...the chapter title is a bit off :D



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Sun Sep 19, 2021 10:25 pm
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SoullessGinger wrote a review...



Hello again! Ell here working my way through your chapters :^)

Okay, I'm just gonna dive right in here.

Even though he looked impassive, she could see some genuine worry as the black tendrils grew even faster, now mere inches from Harry.

YES, we're getting Terry content. I think maybe you could use a bit more show don't tell in this section. You start straight off and just say he looks impassive and then tell us he's actually worried. I think it could add some nice depth to Terry in a more natural way if you describe how he tries to maintain his facade of not caring, and how he fails.

There was a slight pink tinge on its edges, along with hints of purple and green. It looked like a miniature rainbow had been stitched onto the blue wall of light.

Oooooh I love this description. I can see the light magic in my mind's eye perfectly. I'm really curious about why Harry's magic is taking on a new color though, especially because Rose also seem surprised by that.

The darkness began to intensify again and a wave of blue light, the multicolored edge now even more pronounced, blasted outwards.
This is very pleasant to imagine. And I wanted to take this opportunity to say I've been seeing a lot more descriptions that highlight really cool details in your work lately, so awesome job on that!

“That took up a lot more magical energy than I expected a simple area scanner to take because of that weird tendril thing so I’m going to have to be a tad bit careful with magic going forward,” he said.
That's not good at all. And if the gate takes that much power, how powerful is what it guards? That's rather worrisome. But also keep an eye out for run on sentences!

“Come to think of it I'm not exactly anywhere being at max power either” said Rose, “we should've probably brought some guns.”
This seems just the tiniest bit out of character. I mean, Rose and Harry are both part of a professional magical CIA thingymajig, you'd think they would have planned ahead a little bit.

He smiled. “Illusion.”

Love me a good illusion. And this is making me very interested in whoever built this place.

Overall, amazing chapter! I think your strong suit is dialogue. All of yours has a nice, even flow. My main note is just to try and show emotion, rather than telling. It can also help you get a better sense of your characters' nervous habits, and become more comfortable writing in their voices. Awesome job, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
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HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Emotions...haven't figured out that well enough in real life to convey that in stories...but yeah I see your point. Definitely gonna work more on that in the later chapters :D



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Mon Sep 13, 2021 11:04 am
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Right I'm back for part 4! I'm just going to dive right back in so here we go...

It was an expression she hadn’t expected to see on the man.

I see that you've described his expression in the next sentence but this feels an odd way around of doing it. I would either change 'it' at the start of this sentence, or swap this sentence with the subsequent one. Does that make sense?

Even though he looked impassive, she could see some genuine worry as the black tendrils grew even faster, now mere inches from Harry.

So why is she surprised by this expression? We already know Terry isn't experienced with necromancy, and that this is something potentially dangerous. So why is she surprised that he looks worried?

The blue light slowly started to get stronger, holding its own against the tendrils as the cracks started to heal. But this light was different, it wasn’t the usual clean blue color that she’d gotten so accustomed to seeing. This seemed different. There was a slight pink tinge on its edges, along with hints of purple and green. It looked like a miniature rainbow had been stitched onto the blue wall of light.

This is interesting, because it contrasts quite a lot with the ominous mood that you were creating with the past few paragraphs. This seems almost peaceful, and pretty to look at? Is it to draw them in?

“Alright, lots of good news,” he said.

“Does that mean there’s a little bad news?” asked Rose.

Not sure why she would jump to this conclusion based on what he's said.

“Oh that’s definitely serious,” said Terry, “I was like a hundred percent depleted in the fight on the rooftop earlier so even after this long I'm relatively low.”

“Come to think of it I'm not exactly anywhere being at max power either” said Rose, “we should've probably brought some guns.”

This makes them sound like they're characters in a video game. Are they really so self aware that they can talk like this? Otherwise I would suggest softening it/ making it more vague when talking about their stats. And why didn't they bring any backup/guns?

“So how do we get in, maybe another secret entrance?” asked Terry, “although the riddle clearly didn’t have any more to it.”

He seems to accept what Harry is saying pretty quickly? I think we're missing some emotion here - how are they feeling about all of this? Are they apprehensive at all?

“Ohh, this is actually a..." said Harry, poking around the wall. His finger suddenly went right through the wall. He smiled. “Illusion.”

This is very in character! On to the ghosty world! I have pretty much no idea what to expect so I'm hoping for lots of description to guide me through :)

~Icy




HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...lots of questions for me to think about in this one :D



HarryHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

Hmm...lots of questions for me to think about in this one :D




A good artist should be isolated. If he isn't isolated, something is wrong.
— Orson Welles