z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Sorcerers of Hisderat, Chapter 10.1

by KateHardy


Previously on TSOH: The trio hunting after the riddle manage to solve the first half of it and discover a hidden passageway leading straight down from the library they were exploring.

Chapter 10

Talking to Some Dead People

[Rose]

Terry dropped down into the hole, without so much as a sound. It was as if he did things like that every day. Rose walked over to where Harry was peering down at the hole in the spot where Terry had vanished not a moment ago.

“Ahh, that’s what they meant by ‘down you travel’ I suppose,” she said.

“Seems that way,” said Harry, ‘so, ladies first?”

“Aren’t the gentleman supposed to be taking dangerous risks first?” she asked, smirking.

“You know that’s kind of against fe…” began Harry.

“I know, I was only joking,” said Rose, rolling her eyes. Alright, here I go. She walked into the hole. 

Rose felt the ground come up to swallow her as she dropped into darkness. Her body hit the side of whatever tunnel they were falling along and she was pleasantly surprised by the feeling. It felt like she’d just hit a cushion. Thank the fates these people were smart enough to put a spell like that in.

The fall seemed to go on forever like some giant waterless water slide of doom headed straight for the core of the Earth. She finally felt the lip of something like an entrance and suddenly she landed on something solid with a muffled thud. It felt cool to the touch like stone but it also seemed to have the same cushioning enchantment put on it that the tunnel had.

There was a muffled “whoa” from above her and she moved aside. Not a moment too soon. Like a giant human torpedo, Harry rocketed out of the tunnel, glowing blue hands first and performed something that must've been the most painful belly flop of all time.

“Did you seriously dive into a hole Danvers?” asked a voice from the gloom. Taking a page out of Harry’s book, she lit her own hands, pink light illuminating the shape of Terry, who was on his feet and a Harry who was lying sprawled on the floor like a piece of roadkill.

Harry let out a groan and Rose quickly crawled over to him as a third light, purple this time, now gave the chamber a respectable amount of light.

“Are you okay?” she asked, kneeling down beside him.

“Yes,” said Harry, “but regretting my life choices at the moment.”

“Idiot,” she said, punching him lightly on the back.

“Ouch,” he said, although this time it was very clear he wasn’t actually in pain as he rolled over to reveal a smile on his face.

“Alright, alright,” said Harry, holding out a hand to Rose, who quickly got to her feet, before hauling him up.  

“Alright I’m guessing storied gravel meant the library floor or something,” said Terry, “so I think we can dismiss that.”

“Yup,” said Rose, nodding, “that whole stanza is possibly just describing the place. 

“Yes. A place of great promise, a place of demise, very cheerful way to describe something," said Terry.

“Yeah, maybe we're in some kind of tomb maybe, at some kind of building that one's promising for some reason,” said Harry, “I dunno, that is a bit of a weird combination of things for one place to be."

"Well a tomb does sound likely,” said Terry,” although on the other hand the demise could be just referring to it being abandoned after being a bustling hub of activity. I guess the only thing to do is to go in and find out, that very elaborate entrance has to be correct, so what we're looking for must be here.”

“True,” said Harry, “These things always have far too many possible interpretations.”

“Well, it is a riddle after all, it would be far too easy if there was only one possible interpretation,” said Terry. "So let's get going shall we?"


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 6:27 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Harry,
 
Mailice here with a short review! :D
 
 I wouldn't have thought it was possible to turn a chapter part into an adventurous slide. I thought it was a nice change and the short notes made me feel like I was just in Alice in Wonderland. :D

I noticed while reading this part that it was an interesting focus; this time the focus was more on the characters and not the actual plot, which was a nice change. I thought it was good and exciting. I also think it helps again to have a new perspective, especially because you're now telling it from Rose's POV.

I liked that we are now seeing Rose's POV and not Harry's because that helps to get different information once again. Since I assume Rose is more mature than he is, I think she also has better views or rather more precise views about some things.

Sometimes I notice that a comma is missing before a name in a dialogue, but otherwise I don't see any big problems.

Other points that I have noticed:

Terry dropped down into the hole, without so much as a sound.

Shouldn't it be "as much as" here instead of your current sentence?

The fall seemed to go on forever like some giant waterless water slide of doom headed straight for the core of the Earth.

That is a strangely accurate and perhaps apt description of this slide. I really liked how specific your sentence was here, like it was something you do every day. :D

Harry let out a groan and Rose quickly crawled over to him as a third light, purple this time, now gave the chamber a respectable amount of light.

Here you would actually have hit the right moment with a description of this chamber. After all, this is where you fire the opening shot, so to speak.


Have fun writing!

Mailice




KateHardy says...


THank youu for the review!! :D



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Sun Sep 05, 2021 5:44 am
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SoullessGinger wrote a review...



Hello again! It's Ell, here with a review.
First of all, HAPPY REVIEW MONTH! And what a way to kick it off, right up tippity top of the leaderboards. Okay, let's get into the actual review.

Rose walked over to where Harry was peering down at the hole in the spot where Terry had vanished not a moment ago.

This feels a little run on to me. I think a well placed comma and maybe one less 'where' would do the trick.

She finally felt the lip of something like an entrance and suddenly she landed on something solid with a muffled thud. It felt cool to the touch like stone but it also seemed to have the same cushioning enchantment put on it that the tunnel had.

Okay, I think these two sentences could be split up into three or four. It's not super necessary, but I think that'd help the writing flow a little more smoothly. And maybe throw a lil comma in between touch and like?

“Yes,” said Harry, “but regretting my life choices at the moment.”

“Idiot,” she said, punching him lightly on the back.

AWWW!! All their interactions bring me joy, I love their romantic-ish friendship so much. Plus, your dialogue is already smoother than the past couple chapters so amazing job on that!!

...although this time it was very clear he wasn’t actually in pain as he rolled over to reveal a smile on his face.

Here's another place that might benefit from a few commas or being made into two sentences.

“Well, it is a riddle after all, it would be far too easy if there was only one possible interpretation,” said Terry. "So let's get going shall we?"

Wise words from Terry! And yes, we shall! Wonderful job!

Conclusions and Notes:
spelling+grammar notes:
1. gentleman--> gentlemen
2. waterless water slide-->waterless slide?

Overall, lovely job! This chapter was short and sweet, and I really felt Rose's personality here. My main notes are just to give the chapters a couple onceovers for grammar and spelling issues before posting, and try to avoid run on sentences! I fall victim to that particular blunder often too XD Awesome job, your writing is always a refreshing read, so thank YOU for that!

-Ell (she/her)
Image




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!!

Happy RevMo to you too!!

Run on sentences are the bane of my existence...



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Wed Sep 01, 2021 7:21 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Phew, I wasn't nearly as behind as I thought I was! Happy RevMo, Harry <3 Now time to get back to my favourite squad of chaos and see just what they've been getting up to.

First off, I'm so glad we're back to Rose's POV. I don't know how you decide whose to write from, but it feels like an awfully long time since we've heard anything from her. She's a great one to read, so I hope we have plenty more chapters from her perspective in the near future.

“Aren’t the gentleman supposed to be taking dangerous risks first?” she asked, smirking.

“You know that’s kind of against fe…” began Harry.

“I know, I was only joking,” said Rose, rolling her eye

This is a great interaction between the two of them, and is really what has you routing for them to be together. More of this please!

The fall seemed to go on forever like some giant waterless water slide of doom headed straight for the core of the Earth.

Waterless slide of doom seems more like something Harry's character would think. What does Rose think of it?

I have mixed feelings about Harry diving into the hole... it gives great insight into what he's like as an agent, but wasn't he worried about crashing into Rose?

“Yeah, maybe we're in some kind of tomb maybe,

I don't think you need to repeat the word 'maybe' ;)

“Well, it is a riddle after all, it would be far too easy if there was only one possible interpretation,” said Terry.

I completely agree! I know they've had a bit of back and forth over the riddle, so it might be good if one of the more sensible ones can sum it up for us at some point, just to prevent it getting too confusing and hard to follow.

This setting reminds me a little of the chamber of secrets... does that mean we're about to encounter a big monster? I think I'm ready for the pace of this to pick up a bit, have some element of danger or excitement thrown in - can't wait to see what happens next!

~Icy




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!

I'm pretty sure there's a fight scene scheduled the very near future, either chap 11 or 12...I don't remember..xD

Hmm...I'll keep the POV thing I mind. :D We should have some Evelyn POV soon too, she hasn't been mentioned in some time.

Happy RevMo to you too<33

Thanks again!!



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Tue Aug 24, 2021 2:01 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Hey! I saw this in the Green Room so thought I'd check it out. I haven't read any of the previous chapters so I won't talk about story and plot because... I can't.

'Terry dropped down into the hole, without so much as a sound.' - this is odd phrasing. It could be put simpler. 'Terry dropped down the hole without a sound.'

'She walked into the hole.' - I'm guessing the hole is on the floor so walking into it doesn't really work. She stepped into it?

'like some giant waterless water slide of doom' - so... a slide?

'“Did you seriously dive into a hole Danvers?”' - comma before a name.

'like a piece of roadkill.' - could just be 'roadkill.'

Hope this helps! Congrats on your story!




KateHardy says...


Thank youu for the review!!




constant state of confuzzle
— Quillfeather