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The Alpha Pack: The Dawn of the Dead Prologue

by HarryHardy


A humanoid figure gazed out into the expanse of space, his glowing yellow eyes seemingly focused on nothing at all. He was seated on a comfortable chair that was a simple white color accented with gold streaks around the armrests and headrest.

He let out a sigh. It had been a trying time since his brother's demise countless millennia ago.

"Karn, we have located the coordinates," came the voice of the ship," it is in a location few would survive."

"As expected Halon, they would never lay him to rest in a place where it may be disturbed," replied Karn, a smile gracing his face for the first time in millennia," they believe that he may return."

"And will he?" asked Halon.

"Only my brother knows the answer to that question and sadly he will never see The Light, he believes in the balance, he believes in The Darkness," replied Karn, frowning slightly.

"That he does, who would've thought that Life would be the mentor of Death."

"Death, Darkness, Frost, all of them. Forces that should not be the at the helm. Ah well, if Life does not see it, then it will fall to The Flame and the Light to show them the way."

"I am sure you will succeed old friend, you have tried for too long to fail now."

"That remains to be seen. At any rate Pong was not one to be easily swayed from his ways. Perhaps it is better this way. No matter how pure the goal the path matters too."

"The unfortunate side effects of immense power," said Halon,"it is something we have seen countless time before and will see for countless times to come."

"I cannot disagree," said Karn, grimacing at the memories it brought up," Pong was flawed. But we shall make it right again. This is my only hope. Without it I cannot match their might"

"But what about Ka..."

"No one will ever match them but no one needs to, as long as they remain ignorant."

"But Jo..." began Halon only to stop at the pained expression on Karn's face.

"I am sorry for bringing them up. All I can say is that you must be fast my friend," said the AI.

"That I will do my best to be. It is high time for me to show them that I have not given up. I can only hope our ploy works."

"I am sure the Klan will do everything in their power to ensure they remain off balance. They will not know till it is far too late."

"Has Neferu reported in?" asked Karn.

"Yes. Stage one has begun."

"Then there is no reason for further delay. Let us be off," said Karn, eyes refocusing on the controls in front of him. He grasped the engine lever with his left hand, his right moving towards the steering column.

"I will notify the rest," said the AI, switching away from the speaker on the console to the main interface.

"Thank you Halon."

"Of course Karn," said Halon," let us locate The Flame."

Karn looked out once more into space, looking beyond the visible planets and out into the greater Omegaverse. Six swirling lines of energy obstructed his vision. The very fabric of reality. He turned the engine upto full power.

The 18 powerhouses roared to life in unison, echoing across the vast emptiness, the sound dying out as it encountered the vacuum of space.

"Here I come brother. I can only hope I am not too late," said Karn. He let go of the brake that he had been holding and the ship began to move.


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Fri Oct 30, 2020 11:09 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

I see part two of this is still in the green room so I'm stopping by to read and review this one first so that I have a bit of context for what's going on. I've also seen you planning this quite extensively in various WFpads and I think for NaNo too? So it's good to see what all the fuss is about ;)

The posting length of this is about perfect, by the way. Enough to get me interested by the story but not so long that I start skim reading and forget to review, which I may or may not be guilty of when people post really long bits of work.

Ok, review - let's go!

He was seated on a comfortable chair that was a simple white color accented with gold streaks around the armrests and headrest.

Good description, but not sure you need it in the first paragraph. It's not really something that draws me in so I'd save it for a few paragraphs in.

"Only my brother knows the answer to that question and sadly he will never see The Light, he believes in the balance, he believes in The Darkness," replied Karn, frowning slightly.

"That he does, who would've thought that Life would be the mentor of Death."

"Death, Darkness, Frost, all of them. Forces that should not be the at the helm. Ah well, if Life does not see it, then it will fall to The Flame and the Light to show them the way."

"I am sure you will succeed old friend, you have tried for too long to fail now."

A lot of cryptic sentences here. Good for a prologue as it gives the reader lots of questions but be careful not to alienate them too much. In my experience if a reader has to work too hard to understand what's going on, more often than not they'll just give up. Just a watch out for you for later :)

" let us locate The Flame."

Don't worry guys, I'm here ;)

Ok so for me this is super vague (which I know tends to be your style in prologues and early chapters) but there's a lot to take in and not a lot for the reader to hold on to in terms of things that they can understand. I know your worldbuilding and story outlines for this multiverse are very intricate but I think because of the extensive planning you've done it perhaps gets difficult to remember that we as the reader know nothing of the world right now so a slightly slower introduction to it all might be necessary!

I'm going to read the rest of the prologue first and then I'll finish this thought, because I think I need to have read the whole thing before commenting :)

See you over on part 2!

Icy




HarryHardy says...


Heyy...thanks for reviewing it...

Umm...ha...the vagueness is truth...this is kinda of the prologue to the whole series almost...so its predicting things that happen quite some time later...hmm...I mean if I can get any clearer here the plot twists would fall apart...and those are big twists...dunno...I think I decided to just go nuts on the vagueness here assuming most people would not bother reading the prologue...and I'm planning on starting chapter 1 off nice and slow.



IcyFlame says...


haha if you're assuming most people won't bother reading the prologue then why are you writing it? ;)



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Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:30 pm
kattee wrote a review...



Hello there, Harry!

Forgive this damsel for her review might be rusty on its nooks and dusty on its crannies. Oof I got life-d so I took a week off :(( Anyway, let's get on with it then.

I know that this is a prologue so there's more freedom to decide what to put in here. You seemed to choose an intro-ish type, which is fine of course. But it's obtrusively evasive? There's barely any info in here and as a reader, the ratio of events to the number of characters you've introduced is a bit overwhelming.

I know this is a multi-verse so there's got to be a lot of characters. However, that's a double-edged sword. Although there may be so many characs to dance around with + would pique the readers' interest, it's going to be hard to keep every single one of them [characters] interesting. My tip would be prepping character analysis/profile for each one and establishing each of their voices. I know you've got things outlined, but I wasn't sure if it was plot-focus only, character-focus, or both. So I'm just putting this character-tip out in the open.

Btw, this is harder and more ambitious than the Marvel crossover as well, but I have tons of trust in you, Harry! You can do it!

"That remains to be seen. At any rate Pong was not one to be easily swayed from his ways. Perhaps it is better this way. No matter how pure the goal the path matters too."


So for the name , I think you should mention this earlier in the narrative? It took me a few rereads before I realised that Pong is the brother. I was about to correct you to change the "from his ways" to "by his ways," thinking he's just another character targeted by your villainous brother. Essentially, what got me confused was when Halon said, "Life would be the mentor of Death." I presumed that the brother was one of those two mentioned.

I just wanted to say that this is a great way to say "The end doesn't justify the means"

I've mentioned this in my previous critiques but I just can't bypass it. There's still some problem with how you set your character into the scene. You never described the scene besides the chair, "expanse of space," and "looking beyond the visible planets and out into the greater Omegaverse."

As you can see, they're very vague. I'm not familiar with your Omegaverse (and your future readers as well) yet so I can't really picture what it looks like? How do the planets work (if that makes sense)? Again, should I resort to MCU-esque types? Is the "space" in that dimension/universe still the same as ours? And in the start, you were talking about how Karn was gazing out, it would be nice to add a little touch of what might've intrigued/ caught his eye. It's not much but it adds a bit of character.

+you could illustrate a picture of the ship as well.

++It was difficult to imagine what Karn looked like because the only hint I got was his glowing yellow eyes. What's a humanoid? And was this intentional? If it was, hope you could answer these questions in the subsequent chapters.

"I cannot disagree," said Karn, grimacing at the memories it brought up," Pong was flawed. But we shall make it right again. This is my only hope. Without it I cannot match their might"

-their might? Was Pong supposed to be many (idk how humanoids work so I'm going to assume that's possible lolol)? If he (or this them) was, then this should be a common noun plus an "s" in the end. If it's an organization/group, then it's a singular noun. Collective nouns are usually singular, especially when you're describing it as a whole >>so use "it" if this is the case
-It's also quite weird that motivation per se gives him [karn] enough power. At some point, our feelings do affect what we do and how we do it, but not this significant. It's a bit unrealistic (so so sorry).

"Only my brother knows the answer to that question and sadly he will never see The Light, he believes in the balance, he believes in The Darkness, " replied Karn, frowning slightly.

Just a curious inquiry: Was Karn acknowledging that the Darkness is the "balance" but he disapproved? Then that would mean (in his opinion) balance in general is a bad thing? Or simply his brother's version of balance?

You've reached the denouement of this review! Thank you for watch--reading! Hope it helps, even just a lil bit. Also, feel free to disregard anything you didn't think was helpful : ) You're the writer!

Keep writing Harry <3 <3

P.S. Do ask if there's anything confusing lol

SENDING LOVE, Kattee




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Sun Sep 13, 2020 3:16 am
brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello comrade!
Its nice seeing a prolougue for this series, gives us a bit on exposition on what to come. excellent.
Anyway on with the review:

A humanoid figure gazed out into the expanse of space, his glowing yellow eyes seemingly focused on nothing at all. He was seated on a comfortable chair that was a simple white color accented with gold streaks around the armrests and headrest.

Great establishing imagery, sets the scene really well for the following dialougue.

"As expected Halon, they would never lay him to rest in a place where it may be disturbed," replied Karn, a smile gracing his face for the first time in millennia," they believe that he may return."

A millennia is a long time to not smile. just saying.

"Death, Darkness, Frost, all of them. Forces that should not be the at the helm. Ah well, if Life does not see it, then it will fall to The Flame and the Light to show them the way."

I get the classic light vs. dark but i was just speculating. wouldn't the best thing to control everything be neutral, or at least inbetween. I was just bored and thinking of ethics, what right does the light have over the dark and isn't light only portrayed as good because we bieleve it to be so. its all in perspective. to someone else e.g. dark, light may be the evilist thing ever. just speculating cause i was bored don't worry about all this.

"But what about Ka..."

"No one will ever match them but no one needs to, as long as they remain ignorant."

"But Jo..." began Halon only to stop at the pained expression on Karn's face.

is it just me or does this ships AI know a little to much about its captain. i mean AI can be hacked, unless this one is special of course.

"Of course Karn," said Halon," let us locate The Flame."

Damn thats some cryptic stuff. i wonder were this is going. noting about the flame has been established in the chapters. i must know more.

Karn looked out once more into space, looking beyond the visible planets and out into the greater Omegaverse. Six swirling lines of energy obstructed his vision. The very fabric of reality. He turned the engine upto full power.

The 18 powerhouses roared to life in unison, echoing across the vast emptiness, the sound dying out as it encountered the vacuum of space.

Nice imagery and good depiction of a spaceship powering up.

Overall a good prolouge, sets the pace well for what happens in the next couple of chapters and does a good job of promising the reader some vital things that are going to happen. your dailogue felt pretty natural which was great and i didn't bother checking for grammer cause thats not my problem. looking forward to the next release.
Keep writing!
-brotherGeo




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Fri Sep 11, 2020 11:26 pm
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EM8650 wrote a review...



Hello there.
I haven't read any of your previous work but after reading this i think I'm going to have to.
I love the short description you wrote in the first paragraph,
"his glowing yellow eyes seemingly focused on nothing at all."
It makes the reader think the character eye, while also wanting to know more about the physical appearance.
Overall i love this novel / chapter and I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing.
Keep up the amazing work!




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Glad you like it :D




I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec