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The Alpha Pack: The Dawn of the Dead, Chapter 1.3

by HarryHardy


Harry braked rapidly in midair, throwing his hands up and using them to propel himself down rapidly, just about avoiding the five deadly streams of fire coming his way. Before they could sweep downward, he accelerated, getting under the lead starfighter and preventing the others from using their plasma canons.

The mounted gun on the bottom of the starfighter swiveled around to point directly at his face. Dang. Outmaneuvered. Why do I always forget about the gun at the bottom? Giving himself a mental knock on the head, he casually grabbed the muzzle of the gun.

The gun fired.

The supersonic projectile rammed right into his hand. Blue veins along his arm glowed a bright cyan color as the energy was absorbed and directed into his body along the veins. The energy snaked along the veins until it reached his chest where it flashed a brilliant blue and faded. The projectile fell back into the barrel, robbed of its energy and momentum. He pulled, ripping the gun right out of its mount and propelled himself out from under the ship, flinging the gun into the engine before swooping down towards the four other ships.

By this point, they'd all gotten the message that they weren't dealing with your average individual and engaged their largest weapons, the railguns, firing giant six foot rods of sharp metal at ridiculous speeds. Harry dodged them all, weaving around in an intricate dance as he used his wings to slap away the occasional round that got too close to his face.

He landed right on the front window of another starfighter, ducking underneath the large gun. Do I finish this quickly or do this one by one? He looked towards the other side. All five starfighters were obscured by the large starship. He focused, allowing his eyes to focus on more than just light and allowing him to see a ghostly image from the other side of the ship.

He saw Jennifer tearing through the engine of a starfighter, two others left behind in her wake. Hmm...she's going one by one. Well then. Let's do that. Harry ripped the gun off the starfighter, repeating his previous maneuver as he jumped onto the window of the third starfighter.

Trying something a little different, he carefully punched through the hull of the starfighter, taking care to only breath the first layer of the hull so that there'd be enough damage for the ship to turn away but no so much that it would loose air pressure and crash.

Job done, he jumped onto the fourth starfighter. By this point, the fifth starfighter, along with the rest of its damaged brethren, had gotten the memo that they would not be winning this fight and were starting to retreat. Seeing that the battle was won, Harry jumped off the starfighter he was on, allowing it to join the rest of the fleet in retreat.

Jennifer came up beside him.

"I think we won," he mouthed. 

She shook her head and pointed towards the giant starship. While they'd been fighting the starfighters, it had turned and was now facing them, front mounted cannons aimed right at them. Behind it, the Carntiona was slowly drifting, the telltale exhaust fumes absent indicating the engine had either been turned off or it had run out of fuel. It was definitely the latter. Crap

He pointed at the Carntiona and raised his eyebrows. Jennifer shrugged and pointed at the large cannons about to fire at them. He nodded and gave her a thumbs up. She returned the thumbs up and smiled, nodding towards the ship. Harry nodded back. The duo turned and shot towards the starship.

The ship fired its cannons.

Jennifer broke left, swooping down towards the left wing of the ship while Harry took the large warhead head on, swatting it aside with a wing as he continued on his path straight into the muzzle of the largest cannon.

He concentrated, shrinking his shoulders just enough as he dived straight into the barrel of the gun meeting the second warhead just as it was fired. Not expecting it to fire so quickly, he didn't have time to react. It struck him squarely on the head


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:52 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Harry!

I've went through and read the first two parts of chapter 1, but I skipped the prologue (for time constraints, but honestly many readers just skip that section too). If there was any essential information included in your prologue, it would be my recommendation to find a place you could repeat it for the reader's benefit.

Now, I don't know what I was expecting from the title, but it definitely wasn't a space story with star trek vibes, and I was pleasantly surprised. As a whole, there are a lot of strengths you have in your writing. First of all, you have a good sense of who your characters are, and their dynamic, which shines through very well through your dialogue. My initial reaction was a bit of confusion, since I wasn't sure why the other two were talking so casually to their captain, but it quickly became clear that their dynamic was much less defined by roles and captain seemed to be more of a formality than anything.

The one issue I had with the dialogue, however, was -- while fun and full of banter -- in the earlier parts it certainly felt like it started to drag on a bit. They mentioned almost running out of fuel a couple of times, and by the third or fourth time, it started to feel repetitive since we well understood the issue the fuel was posing. As well, while they were actively getting attacked, they were still poking fun at one another and that sense of urgency was never well conveyed. That transition between "chill because they're on their way home" to "oh no we're under attack" could be made a bit better.

Another thing is that there were times when it felt like there were too many necessary small details. For instance, consider this paragraph:

He pointed at the Carntiona and raised his eyebrows. Jennifer shrugged and pointed at the large cannons about to fire at them. He nodded and gave her a thumbs up. She returned the thumbs up and smiled, nodding towards the ship. Harry nodded back. The duo turned and shot towards the starship.


I understand that since they're in space they can't actually talk to one another, but this felt much too drawn out. There are a lot of nods and thumbs up (and this already happened once before in the earlier sections) and we don't need to understand every little movement these characters make. It just pulls away from the action and the sense of urgency going on. You could easily condense this into a few sentences like "they understood each other and flew towards the ship" or something -- but more elegant haha.

Another strength is you have is you did a good job of conveying the actions of the characters and just writing the action of the scene as a whole. It was paced well so it kept moving, but there was also enough description and narration that I could see what was going on. I kept thinking in my head throughout this "how to two people just expect to go against spaceships in space???" and it was cool to see you reveal elements that these aren't quite normal people. From the mention of wings, to the calculated punch, to the absorbing on the gun. All of it was well done and I'd be interested in seeing where this is going.

I would also be interested in hearing more thoughts from Harry. What is he worried about? Right now, he seems quite confident about the situation, likely knowing the limits of his body and such, but does seeing the larger ship intimidate him? Is he able to absorb the larger cannon or is it too much? I want to see more of these worries so you can heighten the tension and show more stakes!

Overall, a good read. I enjoyed it ^^ Hopefully this was helpful to you ~
Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:48 pm
SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey Harry! I thought I’d give this a try. I read through the rest of the chapter and prologue to get an idea of what’s happening, and I see you’ve got a fun cast of characters! I like their interactions and a lot of the dialogue is rather funny. They seem to have a pretty fun dynamic!

Harry braked rapidly in midair, throwing his hands up and using them to propel himself down rapidly, just about avoiding the five deadly streams of fire coming his way. Before they could sweep downward, he accelerated, getting under the lead starfighter and preventing the others from using their plasma canons.

The mounted gun on the bottom of the starfighter swiveled around to point directly at his face. Dang. Outmaneuvered. Why do I always forget about the gun at the bottom? Giving himself a mental knock on the head, he casually grabbed the muzzle of the gun.


Oh dear, grabbing a gun is— well, a really interesting move! I wonder how that’ll help him. If it’s a big ship gun, covering it doesn’t seem like it’ll help too much, will it? It’s amusing how he’s so chill about it though— he seems to be a fun narrator! Either he’s really careless, or he knows he’ll make it out. So, which one will it be?

The gun fired.

The supersonic projectile rammed right into his hand. Blue veins along his arm glowed a bright cyan color as the energy was absorbed and directed into his body along the veins. The energy snaked along the veins until it reached his chest where it flashed a brilliant blue and faded. The projectile fell back into the barrel, robbed of its energy and momentum. He pulled, ripping the gun right out of its mount and propelled himself out from under the ship, flinging the gun into the engine before swooping down towards the four other ships.


Okay. Yep, I see he’s quite fine! It doesn’t seem to have done any damage at all, so it makes sense that he’s allowed to be a little reckless. The description of what’s happening is really interesting, although I don’t know why it’s working yet. (That could be a reveal for later though!) Maybe he’s not human or has powers of some kind... possibly even both!

By this point, they'd all gotten the message that they weren't dealing with your average individual and engaged their largest weapons, the railguns, firing giant six foot rods of sharp metal at ridiculous speeds. Harry dodged them all, weaving around in an intricate dance as he used his wings to slap away the occasional round that got too close to his face.


Not the average individual is quite a funny understatement! A lot of writers try to avoid using “you” or “your” to talk to the audience unless they’re trying to break the fourth wall, so that can be something to think about. I’m pretty intrigued by the suit! They seem to be in space, and I didn’t realize the suit had wings until now. How do those work without air? It’s a really interesting concept though!

He landed right on the front window of another starfighter, ducking underneath the large gun. Do I finish this quickly or do this one by one? He looked towards the other side. All five starfighters were obscured by the large starship. He focused, allowing his eyes to focus on more than just light and allowing him to see a ghostly image from the other side of the ship.


Star pointed out in her review that the repetition of “focus(ed)” was a little distracting, so I second that too! The “ghostly image” sounds really interesting.

He saw Jennifer tearing through the engine of a starfighter, two others left behind in her wake. Hmm...she's going one by one. Well then. Let's do that. Harry ripped the gun off the starfighter, repeating his previous maneuver as he jumped onto the window of the third starfighter.


Like brother, like sister, it seems! I wonder what exactly their abilities are.

"I think we won," he mouthed.

She shook her head and pointed towards the giant starship. While they'd been fighting the starfighters, it had turned and was now facing them, front mounted cannons aimed right at them. Behind it, the Carntiona was slowly drifting, the telltale exhaust fumes absent indicating the engine had either been turned off or it had run out of fuel. It was definitely the latter. Crap.


They both have the ability to lip-read, it seems. I wonder if that means they can’t communicate through transmissions in their helmets (which I’m assuming they have if they’re in space). Also— well, that doesn’t seem like good news! Is Jason in trouble?

He concentrated, shrinking his shoulders just enough as he dived straight into the barrel of the gun meeting the second warhead just as it was fired. Not expecting it to fire so quickly, he didn't have time to react. It struck him squarely on the head


There’s just a bit of missing punctuation at the end! I’m unable to tell if that’s dangerous for Harry at all. I’d love to see some feelings here! Is he worried he’ll get hurt? Confident they’ll win? Anxious for his sister or Jason? Those could really flesh out his character more!

I hope this was helpful! Have a great Review Day. c:




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:47 pm
SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

“Blue veins along his arm glowed a bright cyan color as the energy was absorbed and directed into his body along the veins. The energy snaked along the veins...”
You repeat the word “veins” a lot. Try and edit this slightly to not sound so repetitive.

“Crap”
Even though this is a thought, it still needs an end mark

“It struck him squarely on the head”
This also needs an end mark

Glows:

“Harry braked rapidly in midair, throwing his hands up and using them to propel himself down rapidly, just about avoiding the five deadly streams of fire coming his way. Before they could sweep downward, he accelerated, getting under the lead starfighter and preventing the others from using their plasma canons.“
Really good description and action! Personally, I would like this paragraph to be a bit longer, but other than that, this is a really cool way to start off this chapter

“Do I finish this quickly or do this one by one?”
That’s so hilarious that he would actually be thinking that in the middle of a fight.

“Behind it, the Carntiona was slowly drifting, the telltale exhaust fumes absent indicating the engine had either been turned off or it had run out of fuel. It was definitely the latter.“
Again, super good description.

Overall, I really liked this. It was filled with action and overall very enjoyable to read!

this review is looking kinda sus...




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 5:32 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello, Harry! ^_^ I saw this lurking in the lime room, and I decided to check it out! I actually haven't read any previous parts to this story, so if I say anything stupid, please ignore me xD I'm just going to get straight into it!

Harry braked rapidly in midair, throwing his hands up and using them to propel himself down rapidly, just about avoiding the five deadly streams of fire coming his way.


Oh my, I see I have descended into chaos~ I love how this immediately jumps into action. Of course, if I had read the previous parts I would know what was going on, but I still find this quite exciting

The mounted gun on the bottom of the starfighter swiveled around to point directly at his face. Dang. Outmaneuvered. Why do I always forget about the gun at the bottom? Giving himself a mental knock on the head, he casually grabbed the muzzle of the gun.


Okay so I think your action scenes are rally nicely written. I'm getting a good grasp of the situation, and I love the additional comments from the narrator - it's fun to know what he's thinking, and they're even a bit light-hearted, which might ease the tension as well

Blue veins along his arm glowed a bright cyan color as the energy was absorbed and directed into his body along the veins. The energy snaked along the veins until it reached his chest where it flashed a brilliant blue and faded.


DID HE JUST ABSORB THAT ALL. I love your descriptions here - I can picture the scene pretty well in my head. I like "brilliant blue" and "cyan" - specific colours are always nice to visualize things

OKAY BUT OMG WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

By this point, they'd all gotten the message that they weren't dealing with your average individual


Yeah, I've gotten that message too 0.0

He focused, allowing his eyes to focus on more than just light and allowing him to see a ghostly image from the other side of the ship.


I would try to avoid that repetition there; it made me backtrack because I thought I had reread a part or missed a section c:

taking care to only breath the first layer of the hull so that there'd be enough damage for the ship to turn away but no so much that it would loose air pressure and crash.


I'm not so sure if "breath" was the word you were going for? Perhaps break or breach? Also, I believe you meant "but not so much" instead of "but no so much."

Also, this is such an interesting move of Harry - I'm assuming he did this because he didn't want the pilot to crash and die? If so, that's a really neat spot for characterization, as the reader can see that although he's this big, powerful starship destroyer, he still cares for the safety of others

Jennifer came up beside him.


Ooh okay so I would love to get a bit more here. Did she look relieved? Disheveled? Worried? Tired? Was she panting or were her knuckles white? I think getting more descriptions on what she was looking like can prepare / hint the reader of what is to come next. Also, she just kinda seemed to appear out of nowhere, so I would love to know how / when she came there :)

She shook her head and pointed towards the giant starship. While they'd been fighting the starfighters, it had turned and was now facing them, front mounted cannons aimed right at them.


So I'm assuming the "it" is referring to the giant starship? But since your last noun is "starfighters," it seems as though the "it" is referring to the fighters and not the giant ship. I think a bit of clarifying would be helpful!

Behind it, the Carntiona was slowly drifting, the telltale exhaust fumes absent indicating the engine had either been turned off or it had run out of fuel. It was definitely the latter. Crap


Uh oh - I'm assuming that it's their ship? That's not too good 0.0

He nodded and gave her a thumbs up. She returned the thumbs up and smiled, nodding towards the ship


Maybe you can try to use a different word in order to avoid repetition?

Not expecting it to fire so quickly, he didn't have time to react. It struck him squarely on the head


(you're missing some end punctuation here :p)

OH NO. POOR HARRY. Is he just going to fall through the air or is somebody going to need to catch him and save him? Ooh, I was also wondering, was this gun too powerful to be absorbed by him? Just a question since I don't know much about Harry since I haven't read previous parts.

Hm, one suggestion I have for you is to include more dialogue. I think you wrote your action scenes really well; I could picture it all very clearly in my head. But I didn't feel as much tension as I could have had if there had been some dialogue. I really enjoyed when Harry was thinking out loud and gave some additional comments. Maybe he could also be talking with Jeniffer? Do they have devices so they can be talking to each other during the fight? Or maybe he could have some dialogue scenes with the pilots he encounters? I just felt that dialogue was missing from this and that's the only critique I really have.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this section! It was described pretty well, and I still got a good sense for what was going on despite jumping into a random chapter. I hope to read more form you soon, and I hope this helped! :D





“It doesn’t matter what you are, it only matters what you do. It’s your choice.”
— Sam Winchester