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Young Writers Society



(LMSVI) The Ruptured Shadow, Chapter 4.3

by KateHardy


Anna pointed to the photo of the village. “That is the village in question. Souritesym, I believe meaning something to the effect of final light in the dying sun. I don’t think the name has anything to do with what happened, but that is quite the name to have for what appears at best to be a partially abandoned village. The population according to our most recent archives is believed to be forty-seven, which is honestly higher than I expected.”

Anna tapped on the identification document. “And that’s the one other piece of evidence we have. The crime was reported to local authorities where it passed enough red flag checks to be relayed to us and this is the one picture the local authorities were kind enough to send us.”

Anna raised her hand again. “Now I’m not certain why we only have the one picture of an id. The details tell me that it was either a sandstorm that prevented the local forensics team from taking more than a photo, or it was a sandstorm that took out the local Wi-Fi leaving this as the only image successfully sent.” Anna shrugged. “So yeah, we don’t really learn anything from that besides the fact that we’ve only got this to work with.”

“Well, it tells us that there’s sandstorms there that could interfere with our own equipment,” pointed out Sally.

Anna rolled her eyes. Sure, it was a valid point. That was an observation that could be made from that particular set of data, but a desert village half buried in the sand is usually all the evidence one needs to realize sandstorms exist near said village.

Thankfully, Sally didn’t seem to have noticed the eye roll or she’d ignored it so Anna could continue without another interruption.

“So, long story short, all we have is an id from the victim in question. We’ll have to actually fly out to get a hold of all the other details to be gleaned from the victim. Of course, they did send us a report on their findings, which basically amounted to the fact that magic or some form of unnatural force was used in this killing and that it was clearly done on purpose.”

“So, they followed the rulebook to the letter and sent the agency the case the moment it even slightly intersected into our jurisdiction?” asked Safi.

“They did, yes,” said Anna nodding, “contrary to popular belief, people actually do obey those guidelines because unless the case is somehow personal to them most people would simply jump at the chance to pile their work on someone else.”

“Reality is a harsh mistress,” echoed Serafina.

Safi proceeded to chuckle. “Don’t’ tell that in front of Captain Hardy.”

Serafina proceeded to glare at Safi. “She’s not going to smite me just for criticizing reality.”

Safi raised her hands, shrinking back a little. “Sorry, sorry. I was just trying to make a joke. It was in poor taste. I’m sorry.”

Serafina’s glare was gone as soon as it appeared. “No. I’m the one who’s sorry. That was an overreaction. My bad.” Anna tried her hardest to look away from what was definitely a private moment, but her traitorous curious brain had other plans.

Safi reached out a hand to Serafina. “Truce then. We both messed up.” Serafina masked a lock of shock with needle like precision as she took Safi’s hand. “I can accept that.” They shook on it and turned back to the board.

Anna scrambled to point at the highlighted name of their victim. “So… Mr. Von Blah Blah…”

“Anna, you alright?” came Sally’s voice from the side.

“Huh?” Anna twisted towards her confused.

“It says quite clearly Vionan Blogh Blau.”

Anna could feel the tiniest of blushes making its way to her face even as she fought valiantly against it. “I saw that. Just checking to see if you were all paying attention.” She tried the ‘Embarrassed Teacher’ smile. Her mind tried to point out that thinking in terms of the ridiculous names Sally had come up for Anna’s various smiles were not helping with the ongoing efforts to fight a blush, but she pointedly chose to ignore that voice.

Anna was saved by Safi.

“Mr. Von Blah Blah is a good way to remember,” said Safi. “That’s not the easiest of names to pronounce much less remember.”

“Precisely,” said Anna. “I was banking on that. So yes. Blah Blah here is our victim. Let’s talk about that. In detail. For a while.” She was going to run with that until Sally inevitably called her out again.

Thankfully, it seemed that Sally was in a forgiving mood because she nodded. “Blah Blah is good enough I suppose. We don’t want to use the actual name too often anyway when we reach those parts. You never know who connects to whom in what way until it’s a little too late.”

Anna nodded vigorously. “Absolutely, absolutely. That. That. So. Blah. Blah. Details. What do we have. Not much obviously, but its still more than nothing. Anyways. So that’s name. Now we do have date of birth. That’s the Konivian system so 4th of Argian 4016 is roughly the 3rd of December 1987 or thereabouts. Which isn’t too much of a clue. That’s around the age you’d be wondering that area all alone like that so nothing out the ordinary.

Anna pointed to the final detail that was highlighted. “Now that right there is the one singular clue that makes this seem just a little bit more out of place in an otherwise almost perfectly clean slate.”

“The membership,” said Sally, almost immediately. Anna smiled. Sally really was very sharp.


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Sun Jan 29, 2023 4:39 am
Spearmint wrote a review...



Aha! Looks like we finally get to see some action! Or investigation, at least, which can be just as exciting. Love the humor in this one too… xD And it looks like we don’t have too much information on Blah Blah’s murder yet, but I’m starting to wonder if the main conflict of this novel will be somehow related to the murderer (if it really was a person— perhaps it’s a strange phenomenon? or could it possibly even be… a ruptured shadow behind it all?? >.>). Anyhow, I enjoyed this chapter part! ^^

Souritesym

Okay, so I was trying to solve this anagram (because of course it’s an anagram! :]), but I could only come up with “sour my site” or “i messy rout”… So I cheated a bit and used an online anagram solver… And as Lim says, this place is definitely very mysterious. ;)

where it passed enough red flag checks to be relayed to us

Hmm… now what could those red flag checks be? I’d actually really like to know. 0.0 How does this agency determine what’s suspicious enough to be looked into?

Of course, they did send us a report on their findings, which basically amounted to the fact that magic or some form of unnatural force was used in this killing and that it was clearly done on purpose.”

Ooh, alright, so I guess they investigate if magic or a force is involved… That seems like a lot of work. How are they able to detect magic? Or do they just use reasoning and report the incident if something seems fishy? (I’d guess there are a lot of fishy incidents, though, so hopefully they have some efficient way to narrow it down.)

Safi reached out a hand to Serafina. “Truce then. We both messed up.” Serafina masked a lock of shock with needle like precision as she took Safi’s hand. “I can accept that.”

Hm hm, now that was an interesting interaction between these two. I’m not quite sure how to interpret it. Since this is from Anna’s point of view, I don’t really know whether either of them have any harsh feelings towards the other, or just feels embarrassed, or something else… I’m hopeful about the fact that they quickly reached peace, though! Maybe this is the start of them growing closer?

“It says quite clearly Vionan Blogh Blau.”

XD Poor guy… Von Blah Blah is definitely easier to remember.

That’s the Konivian system so 4th of Argian 4016 is roughly the 3rd of December 1987 or thereabouts.

I was a bit confused here. Is the site on another planet that uses the Konivian system? Or does the agency use that system? 1987 and Wi-Fi make me think the village is on Earth, except Wi-Fi hadn’t been invented by then, so perhaps it’s some kind of internet service the agents have?? Yeah, so I’d appreciate some clarification here, aha.

“The membership,” said Sally,

Hm? Membership in what? 0.0 Interesting… guess I’ll have to read on to find out! C:




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Thu Jan 05, 2023 1:43 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi again Kate!

General Impressions

The village sounds both remote and mysterious. I hadn’t expected it to have Wi-Fi, so that’s a cool detail. A village in a world with technology similar to our own perhaps? It’s interesting to know that the secret agency’s equipment could also be affected by sandstorms and even in this futuristic setting they haven’t found a way to circumvent that yet. There seems to be a bit of friction between the characters here, compared to the previous chapter. Though I’m not sure if it’s setting up further conflict than that. Also, that’s quite an odd way to treat a murder victim, renaming them “Blah Blah”.

Characters

Anna rolled her eyes. Sure, it was a valid point.

Anna seems a bit irritable in this chapter compared to the last one. I wonder if that means anything?
“They did, yes,” said Anna nodding, “contrary to popular belief, people actually do obey those guidelines because unless the case is somehow personal to them most people would simply jump at the chance to pile their work on someone else.”
“Reality is a harsh mistress,” echoed Serafina.

This line from Serafina made me laugh! The exchange also makes me think that the agency has a reputation for not quite following their own guidelines? That’s what seems to be implied there at least.
Safi raised her hands, shrinking back a little. “Sorry, sorry. I was just trying to make a joke. It was in poor taste. I’m sorry.”
Serafina’s glare was gone as soon as it appeared. “No. I’m the one who’s sorry. That was an overreaction. My bad.”

This bit where Serafina gets a little mad feels like her reacting against Safi’s preoccupation with authority? Whereas Serafina isn’t nearly so scared of them, or at least, not in the same way. It dissolves kind of quickly, but I wonder if this is foreshadowing for a conflict they might have in the mission <.<

Dialogue

Okay, I’ve nitpicked some of your dialogue before, and just thought I’d point out some bits here that could be shortened when you revise this, just in case it comes in handy. I won’t dwell too long on it though!
“And that’s the one other piece of evidence we have. The crime was reported to local authorities where it passed enough red flag checks to be relayed to us and this is the one picture the local authorities were kind enough to send us.”

I think it’s probably fine to refer to the local authorities with “they” in the second part, since they were already mentioned before.
“So yeah, we don’t really learn anything from that besides the fact that we’ve only got this to work with.”

This one felt like it could have been shorter. Maybe just “So that’s all we’ve got to work with”?
“So, long story short, all we have is an id from the victim in question.
This ‘summary’ sentence feels like it could be cut out, since there’s not much of a distance in the text between the first time Anna talks about the id/ photo and this point.

Plot

I’m going to try and make some predictions about the murder case here:
“Now I’m not certain why we only have the one picture of an id. The details tell me that it was either a sandstorm that prevented the local forensics team from taking more than a photo, or it was a sandstorm that took out the local Wi-Fi leaving this as the only image successfully sent.”

Reading this I was like: that feels like very sparse evidence to work with! I wasn’t having high hopes about their chances (at leats without some external circumstances helping them). But voila! It looks like they have a big clue at the end there since this mention of a “membership” was brought up with such enthusiasm).
that magic or some form of unnatural force was used in this killing and that it was clearly done on purpose.”

I wonder what shows that it was done purpose? Might be a bit gruesome to get into the details, but I feel like in a murder case, the evidence could be described just for context. Maybe we’ll be getting that once they get to this village.
Now we do have date of birth. That’s the Konivian system so 4th of Argian 4016 is roughly the 3rd of December 1987 or thereabouts. Which isn’t too much of a clue. That’s around the age you’d be wondering that area all alone like that so nothing out the ordinary.

Hmm I can’t remember what year it’s supposed to be in the ‘present time’ of this story? I’m also curious if the murder victim was a human or a non-human or an extra-terrestrial, etc. My prediction is that they’re going to be someone that’s not of the Earth we know, at the very least. I’m not sure the context of this age comment from Anna, but it sure sounds interesting, though, like the victim is from a different culture where there’s a particular age where one wanders about nearly-abandoned villages.

Overall

I’m liking the idea of this remote village with sandstorms where the main characters will have to work. It sounds like plenty of danger – maybe they’ll get cut off from communications with base? Hmm, who knows? I liked some of the humorous lines and jokes in this chapter, and the character interactions seem to be hinting at something interesting to come. My main tips for improvement would be to give dialogue a second read and trim some of it down. I get that this is the kind of scene that is mostly dialogue-focused and exposition-focused, and I think that making sure the dialogue is pared down to essentials kind of helps that get into the reader’s brain.

Hope this helps – and keep writing!
-Lim





If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket