Hello harry!!
I absolutely did not target your work, it just happened that it was on its very first chapter so that’s why. Wee bit of disclaimer but I’m not that great at reviewing anymore and this is literally my first review in quite a long time so yip yip. Rusty kat tryna do her best. Hopefully it helps.
Imitating human fashion was never an easy task with how fast humans tended to change their styles, but discreetly snatching some clothes was getting harder and harder with the improvements in security.
-just a simple change from but to and. But is usually placed to show contrast between the two fragments but (see what i did there) in here, it seemed like the second fragment was agreeing to the first fragment’s idea.
-ALSO ALSO. Why not describe what they’re actually wearing. It just popped into my mind that what if they stole clothes from a cosplay store and thought that it was the present “it” or “trend” That’d be hilarious lol lol
Vankous, on the other hand, was eying up a nearby ice cream truck.
"My evil maniac laugh is locked and loaded," said Vankous.
Vankous as a meme moments ^^
She immediately proceeded to hug her brother, followed by Harry. A couple of handshakes with the other two followed.
-I like how subtle you portray her closeness with the members of the group.
said Shania, “I was worried that you’d have better things to be doing than helping us. This is a real pickle at the moment.”
This might seem nitpicky but for a conversation between friends, this seems too formal. I suggest changing it to “to do?” It’s still up to you though.
“Well, that’s what friends are for,” said Harry. “Besides I haven’t done an old school hostage rescue slash heist situation in a while and those are always fun.”
-You should put a hyphen in between this (old-school-hostage-rescue-heist-situation). People usually do this when they come up with a really long (close to a sentence) informal title, so that it wouldn’t be difficult to read. Unless you put the first letters in caps? But, like I said, it’s an informal title so I don’t think that would be appropriate.
“Oh yes,” said Stean, and the two exchanged a hi five
*high five
“How about we find a private spot to plan a “heist” instead of this very public street, not to mention I haven't actually told you where we’re breaking into yet,” said Shania, voice dropping to a whisper.
-it’d be best if you separate them with a comma? Because the sentence was too long.
-i think the right words here are jam packed, filled with, swarmed, busy, etc because, although public is the opposite of private the denotation is different. Private would fit well in the sentence because it would mean secluded, a place without people they aren’t related to. On the other hand, "public" seems off-base especially when you say it that way (very public). Public means that anyone can walk around. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's many people there. It just meant it's open for everyone.
“I wish it was midnight,” said James.
this seemed out of character? Just a few minutes ago he was saying that "the movies are lying" and that he doesn't agree with stean and harry, so why is he thinking about this now? Is he a passive-aggressive person/someone who just tries to hide what he actually feels to "act cool"
“Fine, do the British one, just don’t go and introduce yourself like James Bond,” said Harry.
*as James Bond not ‘like’. Because he’s impersonating the person. He’s being the person instead of “like” him. He’s claiming and not putting an impression. Does that make sense? Ask away if it still confuses you
Last Thoughts
I recommend having more movie references. You’ve done the conspicuous way by mentioning James Bond, but you could do it in a more subtle way. They could have dialogues using outdated quotes that were voguish decades ago (but they don’t know that cos they rarely interact with humans.
There're many british accents btw so if you choose between english, scottish, and irish, the word choice differs from each. They use words way more differently than americans/canadians/australians (i don’t know where they are actually. All i know is that it isn’t in britain). (e.g. americans say “no cap” for “true, or authentic story/news) There’s also this thing that happened in real life. One of my mom’s colleagues asked “What’s the root of your apprehension?” on an extremely casual conversation instead of “what’re you worrying about”
- Just make sure you don’t make it sound too posh -- or actually why not? They’re try-hard humans anyway. That’d be entertaining ahaha
That’s about it! Hopefully this helps and I hope I wasn’t rude in any way. Tell me if I was below the belt though oop.
((I just realised someone got to review it first oop. I was too slow. I literally did this review when it was still in the lime room))
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
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