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#Heist Part 1

by HarryHardy


The four of them strolled onto the street, looking as casual as they could with their sudden makeovers. Imitating human fashion was never an easy task with how fast humans tended to change their styles, but discreetly snatching some clothes was getting harder and harder with the improvements in security.

Harry led the way, keeping a close eye out for Shania. They were at the place she'd told them to wait but she wasn't visible. Stean and James stood beside him, both of them also busy scanning the street. Vankous, on the other hand, was eying up a nearby ice cream truck.

And then he spotted her, bright blonde hair glinting in the sunlight as she made her way over to them, a smile lighting up her face as she saw them. She immediately proceeded to hug her brother, followed by Harry. A couple of handshakes with the other two followed.

“I’m so glad you guys could make it,” said Shania, “I was worried that you’d have better things to be doing than helping us. This is a real pickle at the moment.”

“Well, that’s what friends are for,” said Harry. “Besides I haven’t done an old school hostage rescue slash heist situation in a while and those are always fun.”

“Oh yes,” said Stean, and the two exchanged a hi five. Shania gave them her usual eye roll while James and Vankous groaned.

“That’s no fun,” said James, “trust me, the movies are lying.”

“For once I agree with him,” said Vankous with a nod.

“Trust me, it’ll be fun,” said Harry.

“Yeah, you just need to get...creative,” said Stean, rubbing his hands together.

“How about we find a private spot to plan a “heist” instead of this very public street not to mention I haven't actually told you where we’re breaking into yet,” said Shania, voice dropping to a whisper.

“Oh right, you didn’t tell us yet,” said Harry, whispering back, “lead the way then.”

“After me then,” she said, taking off along the street, the four of them in tow.

They were soon in a back alley that appeared to be deserted. A couple of discreet hand waves by Vankous and it was pronounced as completely deserted and secure.

“I wish it was midnight,” said James.

“Why?” asked Vankous, “so it can be even more creepy.”

“No, to provide the required ambiance to the planning of a secret heist,” said Harry, giving him a ‘duh’ look.

“Okay, serious mode for a bit guys,” said Shania, “time to actually plan some stuff.”

“Anyone want chips?” asked James, producing the bag of chips from earlier.

“Oh yes, heist planning makes one very hungry,” declared Vankous.

“We share this time,” said Stean, snatching the bag before either of them could finish it by themselves.

“Guys,” said Shania.

“So, where is this place, and who’s going to be the one to scout it out?” said Harry, getting down to business.

“Now we’re talking,” said Shania. “So I remember...

XXXXXXXXX

“Okay, well...this is going to be...interesting,” said Harry, “that’s a lot of scouting to do.”

“Yeah, why can’t I be the henchman again?” asked James.

“I already told this a million times,” said Stean, “you are the scrawny human, the three of us are the bodyguard and Vankous is the mad scientist. It's a traditional evil businessman's entourage, and it’ll work. Can we just all agree to these roles already?”

“Hey, I have no issues with this,” said Shania, accompanied by nodding from everyone else.

"My evil maniac laugh is locked and loaded," said Vankous.

“Fine, but I'm not doing an American accent,” said James.

“Fine, do the British one, just don’t go and introduce yourself like James Bond,” said Harry.

“Or flirt like him,” added Vankous, before a purple shield flared to life in front of him blocking the punch inevitable punch by James.

“If you guys are done goofing off, it's time for some acting,” said Stean.

"Let's get this show on the road then," said Harry, gesturing towards Shania. "Shania...lead the way, we have some clothes to st...I mean burrow."


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73 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 3:36 pm
kattee wrote a review...



Hello harry!!

I absolutely did not target your work, it just happened that it was on its very first chapter so that’s why. Wee bit of disclaimer but I’m not that great at reviewing anymore and this is literally my first review in quite a long time so yip yip. Rusty kat tryna do her best. Hopefully it helps.

Imitating human fashion was never an easy task with how fast humans tended to change their styles, but discreetly snatching some clothes was getting harder and harder with the improvements in security.

-just a simple change from but to and. But is usually placed to show contrast between the two fragments but (see what i did there) in here, it seemed like the second fragment was agreeing to the first fragment’s idea.

-ALSO ALSO. Why not describe what they’re actually wearing. It just popped into my mind that what if they stole clothes from a cosplay store and thought that it was the present “it” or “trend” That’d be hilarious lol lol

Vankous, on the other hand, was eying up a nearby ice cream truck.

"My evil maniac laugh is locked and loaded," said Vankous.


Vankous as a meme moments ^^

She immediately proceeded to hug her brother, followed by Harry. A couple of handshakes with the other two followed.

-I like how subtle you portray her closeness with the members of the group.

said Shania, “I was worried that you’d have better things to be doing than helping us. This is a real pickle at the moment.”

This might seem nitpicky but for a conversation between friends, this seems too formal. I suggest changing it to “to do?” It’s still up to you though.

“Well, that’s what friends are for,” said Harry. “Besides I haven’t done an old school hostage rescue slash heist situation in a while and those are always fun.”

-You should put a hyphen in between this (old-school-hostage-rescue-heist-situation). People usually do this when they come up with a really long (close to a sentence) informal title, so that it wouldn’t be difficult to read. Unless you put the first letters in caps? But, like I said, it’s an informal title so I don’t think that would be appropriate.
“Oh yes,” said Stean, and the two exchanged a hi five

*high five
“How about we find a private spot to plan a “heist” instead of this very public street, not to mention I haven't actually told you where we’re breaking into yet,” said Shania, voice dropping to a whisper.

-it’d be best if you separate them with a comma? Because the sentence was too long.
-i think the right words here are jam packed, filled with, swarmed, busy, etc because, although public is the opposite of private the denotation is different. Private would fit well in the sentence because it would mean secluded, a place without people they aren’t related to. On the other hand, "public" seems off-base especially when you say it that way (very public). Public means that anyone can walk around. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's many people there. It just meant it's open for everyone.
“I wish it was midnight,” said James.

this seemed out of character? Just a few minutes ago he was saying that "the movies are lying" and that he doesn't agree with stean and harry, so why is he thinking about this now? Is he a passive-aggressive person/someone who just tries to hide what he actually feels to "act cool"
“Fine, do the British one, just don’t go and introduce yourself like James Bond,” said Harry.

*as James Bond not ‘like’. Because he’s impersonating the person. He’s being the person instead of “like” him. He’s claiming and not putting an impression. Does that make sense? Ask away if it still confuses you

Last Thoughts


I recommend having more movie references. You’ve done the conspicuous way by mentioning James Bond, but you could do it in a more subtle way. They could have dialogues using outdated quotes that were voguish decades ago (but they don’t know that cos they rarely interact with humans.

There're many british accents btw so if you choose between english, scottish, and irish, the word choice differs from each. They use words way more differently than americans/canadians/australians (i don’t know where they are actually. All i know is that it isn’t in britain). (e.g. americans say “no cap” for “true, or authentic story/news) There’s also this thing that happened in real life. One of my mom’s colleagues asked “What’s the root of your apprehension?” on an extremely casual conversation instead of “what’re you worrying about”
- Just make sure you don’t make it sound too posh -- or actually why not? They’re try-hard humans anyway. That’d be entertaining ahaha

That’s about it! Hopefully this helps and I hope I wasn’t rude in any way. Tell me if I was below the belt though oop.

SENDING LOVE, Kattee



((I just realised someone got to review it first oop. I was too slow. I literally did this review when it was still in the lime room))




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 2:27 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hello! Plume here, with a review!

I really enjoyed this introduction to a new story. I think I read bits and pieces of the one that came before this one, so forgive me if I question something that's already been explained.

This was a perfect beginning. I think you really nailed the dynamics between everyone, and it's obvious you've spent a lot of time with these characters. You do a really great job at incorporating the banter between them all, and I think it might be the strongest point of this piece. It was lines like:

“Okay, serious mode for a bit guys,” said Shania, “time to actually plan some stuff.”

“Anyone want chips?” asked James, producing the bag of chips from earlier.


and

“Fine, do the British one, just don’t go and introduce yourself like James Bond,” said Harry.

“Or flirt like him,” added Vankous.


that really made me laugh. When you have a large group of friends, that's basically how every conversation goes. The first example made me actually laugh out loud. Trying to be serious and then someone asking for chips is just hilarious and so relatable. It really made me miss a group of long distance friends I have where our dynamic is exactly like the one you've portrayed here. Great job!

Specifics

“Why?” asked Vankous, “so it can be even more creepy.”


I think you need to put a question mark after creepy, rather than a period. Vankous is technically still asking a question during that part, and to convey the inflection in his voice, a question mark is needed.

“Or flirt like him,” added Vankous, before a purple shield flared to life in front of him blocking the punch inevitable punch by James.


"Punch inevitable punch" sounds like a typo to me. If it wasn't, it's pretty redundant, and you could just delete the first punch.

"Let's get this show on the road then," said Harry, gesturing towards Shania. "Shania...lead the way, we have some clothes to st...I mean burrow."


It should be "borrow" rather than "burrow."

Other than that, I couldn't find many mistakes! You've got a great start with lovely heist and banter vibes to it. I can't wait to read more!!




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Sun Jan 31, 2021 6:34 am
ImaginativeAlice wrote a review...



Hey Alice is here to review!!!

A very well written and exciting chapter. It is very interesting and the diologues are fun to read. All the punctuations are right there are no grammar mistakes too, I must say you are a good writer.



“Now we’re talking,” said Shania. “So I remember...

XXXXXXXXX

“Okay, well...this is going to be...interesting,” said Harry, “that’s a lot of scouting to do.”


Okay so you don't want us to know the planning you want us to see it, a good way to get your readers into your writing.

Imitating human fashion was never an easy task with how fast humans tended to change their styles, but discreetly snatching some clothes was getting harder and harder with the improvements in security.


Imitate human fashion, so are they not human? I guess we will get an answer in the next chapters so I am waiting for the next chapters.

It's a traditional evil businessman's entourage


Quite a unique name.

Hope you post the next chapter fast I am excited to read them.

Bye!!!!

I am doubtlessly, 100%, obviously, not at all a sus.





Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
— Elias Root Beadle