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Harry Potter and the Forgotten Power, Chapter 2.2

by HarryHardy


Chapter 2

The Five

16 years later

01st March 2019, Lyceum International School, Sri Lanka, Earth - 36

Rakdu,at his usual speed, proceeded to destroy all the sums (this was the math period) Sir Sujwa gave while he was still explaining the first one to the class. He then glanced back at Bineth who was sitting behind him, about halfway through the sums while simultaneously maintaining a conversation with Sineth, the boy sitting beside him, who had yet to finish the first one.

Rakdu slid his chair back a bit to talk to them.

"Wow, still only halfway?" he asked Ineth.

"Not all of us are walking calculators."

"I'm not a walking calculator. I just….. Math is my thing you know. I just…yeah. I can't explain it. The answers just come."

"Like I said… walking calculator."

"Baaa….Hmm.. When do you two get officially sworn in as the newest slaves of Lyceum?"

"Not sure." Sineth meanwhile gave Rakdu the evil eye for him referring to prefects as slaves.

Rakdu turned back to his work while Ineth proceeded to argue with Sineth about the best strategies to win Clash Royale.

Then they all joined in the class' collective sigh of relief and enthusiastic "Thaaaaaank yoooooooou, sir," as Sir Sujwa walked out, this time not to return till the next day.

Ms. Gayari, their Physics teacher, walked in..

In the neighboring class, Niketha and her friends were busy grabbing practical books to go to the Physics lab; with their previous period having ended a bit late they had to work fast to make up time. The rest of their class quickly followed them as their Physics Teacher, Sir Daiyanan, had a very short fuse and would erupt very easily like a piece of Sodium in sulfuric acid.

It was too late however, as he began screaming the moment the first person walked in. He started to name the contents of an entire zoo before lecturing them on the benefits of being early to class. 10 minutes of ranting later he barked at them to begin their practicals and the entire class scrambled to get to their practical stations. As they busied themselves with staring at pendulums, the students in 11 Science B were groaning at getting a quiz.

Meanwhile, in 11 Science D, Maran was mentally debating the pros and cons of bunking the impending Dancing period.

The seconds were being counted down to recess which was at ten twenty five. The pleasant 'Diiing Doong Diiing Doong' rang and the classrooms erupted in chaos. The teachers, knowing it was a pointless battle, wrapped up their lessons and fled to the refuge of the staff room.

Ineth, who had already eaten during morning attendance, walked out of the class with his fellow prefects, Sineth and Ruhal. They were headed for their duty points. Maran did a very accurate imitation of a starving lion and inhaled his sandwiches before running off like a fighter jet. Nakitha was walking back from the lab at a sedate pace.

Rakdu, head swimming with their Chemistry Teacher’s latest lecture on how their class was the worst class she'd ever taught, was stuffing books into his cavernous bag. While he was taking out his lunch box, Hasana was fishing something else out of his bag.

Rakdu, discovering he had sandwiches again, punched the wall in displeasure, causing it to shake. (He really hated sandwiches) He muttered a Greek curse before he proceeded to eat it as fast as he could without looking like an animal. Washing the whole thing down with water, he proceeded in the direction of the toilet.

Rakdu came out of the bathroom and was on his way back to his class when he ran into Hasana in the corridor. Hasana thrust something in his face and his brain went into panic mode as it registered a centipede. Then before he could scream, his brain's detailed analysis report found the following things. Hasana was afraid of centipedes. Centipedes could not bend into the shape of such an elaborate S. No one in Hasana's class was screaming. He realized it was a fake rubber one.

"I thought you were afraid of centipedes?" he asked, smiling.

"Not this one," replied a disappointed Hasana.

"You should go scare Lakshik. I'm not going to fall for that thing or that snake thing you have somewhere in your bag."

Hasana smirked," I'll get you someday. I have to go scare people now."

Rakdu nodded and went back to class and had a drink of water from his bag. He then considered his options for the interval. He was about to settle down to read the book stashed in his bag ( Time Riders #6: The City of Shadows ), when his chest got unnaturally warm. That was his instinct telling him something. A thought popped into his head. He should go talk to Dulath, another of his friends. This was a typical occurrence for him by that point so unlike most people he put his book aside and immediately went in the direction of Dulath's class.

Ineth was patrolling the second floor corridor in the A building keeping a sharp eye out for anyone running or starting a fight. Nothing had happened so far. Everyone was behaving for once. He really hoped one of his friends would come by. It was dreadfully boring to be standing here alone. He was going to have to catch Hasana at least after school.

Maran meanwhile had even less to do. He just had to prevent fights. So an extremely bored Maran stared wistfully at a food vendor outside the school, wishing his mother had given him some money to buy extra food. Despite having already eaten, he was still hungry. He glanced at his watch. He had to stand there for at least another fifteen minutes. Not for the first time, he regretted being chosen as prefect. He really wished he hadn't applied or at least made more of an effort to make his friend, Rakdu, apply. Rakdu was all for keeping free time free and now Maran was stuck down here alone, while Rakdu was upstairs probably talking with Dulath about some science nonsense.

Hasana meanwhile was having fun making unsuspecting people scream with his rubber centipede. He wandered towards 11 Science E to find more of his friends (victims). He decided he would save the rubber snake for later. He didn't want people to catch on to his tricks too fast.

Rakdu was on his way to Dulath's class when he spotted his best friend leaning on the railing, looking down at the playground.She was leaning down sticking her head out perhaps a bit more than was advisable, considering the bulls that tended to rampage down the corridors.

"You keep doing that, you're going to fall."

"No, I'm not," was Nakitha's reply still peering down and waving at somebody. Rakdu just shook his head and leaned against the railing next to her, his eyes automatically doing a quick scan of the playground to see who she was waving at. His eyes did not register a likely target. Instead he saw a large amount of crows gathered on a tree and focused on that.

"So did you even look at the Further Maths homework?" asked Rakdu

She shook her head.

"As expected". She laughed in reply.

"I'll try to finish up with that P2 book and give it back by Monday or at least Tuesday," promised Rakdu.

At that point she finally turned away from the playground as Rakdu also turned towards her. They both smiled at each other for a moment as their eyes met. After a couple of seconds she quickly replied.

"Oh! That's fine! You just take your time, I'll be doing it on Wednesday just before the class anyway."

"Hmm.. I can't exactly argue. I do the same thing a lot. It is sometimes nice to do it early though. Anyway, what are you planning to do this weekend?" asked Rakdu.

"I've got some classes on Saturday but Sunday I'll just be sitting around maybe doing homework. Or more like I should be doing homework but I'll just do the Monday stuff then get too lazy to do the rest. What are you going to do?"

"Oh I have way too many classes on Saturday as usual, though luckily I'll get to play a bit with my neighbors. And Sunday's the tournament so I'm gonna be busy this weekend. On the bright side, Monday is a holiday."

"Oh yeah! We still have classes though," said Nakitha, looking glum at the thought.

"Yeah but that's good or I wouldn't be able to see that wonderful smile of yours on that day, would I?" he pointed out, smiling at her.

She smiled in reply.

"Hmm….so where were you going?" she asked after a pause.

"Ohh.. I was going to go find Dulath but I'm definitely staying here now. I could do without a ten minute lecture on Fluid Dynamics or Quantum Tunneling or whatever other thing that encyclopedia has managed to dig up. Talking with you is so much better."

"Really!" she said laughing," I do know Dulath goes overboard sometimes but don't you like science stuff too?"

"I do. But not to that extent. I kinda have to change into this other nerd guy to talk to him. You're like the only friend that I am truly myself with. I don't have to be one of my personalities formed into a fake person."

"Well you're my best friend too. I mean how long has it been now."

"Thirteen years and fifty four days. I keep count," he replied instantly.

"Hmm you really love numbers don't you? Speaking of that, what university were you thinking of going to?"

"I'm not too sure. I'll end up wherever my parents send me, I guess. What about you?"

"Same story probably. I barely know what I'm even going to do." Their talk on universities stretched till the end of the break.

"Well I should probably go now," said Rakdu," the bell already rang. Ms Ama kills anyone who gets late."

"Oh yeah, I should get back too," agreed Nakitha.

"Okay! I'll see you either afterschool or on Monday. I'll do my best with the book."

"Okay! Good luck in your tournament again. Hope you win!"

"Well! Participation works too. Bye!" She laughed and waved as she made her way to her class.


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Sun Sep 13, 2020 2:30 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Right ok here we go! I'm still waiting to see how this links into the first chapter because you've got a whole host of different characters here. But we're only at chapter two, so I'll be patient (for now ;) )

16 years later

Right, are we 16 years later than chapter one, or 16 years later than the first part of chapter two?

01st March 2019, Lyceum International School, Sri Lanka, Earth - 36

Also, I know a lot of your stories take place transversing the galaxies but unless this one is going to, I don't think you need to specify that it's Earth. It makes it feel a bit more space agey and I'm not 100% sure that's the feel you're going for.

Rakdu,at his usual speed, proceeded to destroy all the sums (this was the math period) Sir Sujwa gave while he was still explaining the first one to the class. He then glanced back at Bineth who was sitting behind him, about halfway through the sums while simultaneously maintaining a conversation with Sineth, the boy sitting beside him, who had yet to finish the first one.

Good grief that's a lot of characters in one paragraph... and two with the same name endings! This could make things tricky to keep track of.

"Wow, still only halfway?" he asked Ineth.

Wait, is this someone new or have you misspelled Sineth or Bineth?

Sineth meanwhile gave Rakdu the evil eye for him referring to prefects as slaves.

I think this would be better conveyed in conversation so you're showing the reader that Radku is referring to the prefects as slaves rather than telling them. So perhaps mention that Sineth gave Radku the evil eye but then says 'Prefects aren't slaves' or something similar but better xD

Rakdu turned back to his work while Ineth proceeded to argue with Sineth about the best strategies to win Clash Royale.

So what happened to Bineth?

Ms. Gayari, their Physics teacher, walked in..

Firstly, don't need the double ..
Also, I'm not really sure you need this line and it's another character that doesn't seem to come back in this chapter. So it just feels like unnecessary filler.

Sir Daiyanan, had a very short fuse and would erupt very easily like a piece of Sodium in sulfuric acid.

Were you perhaps doing chemistry homework at the same time as this?

Sir Daiyanan, had a very short fuse and would erupt very easily like a piece of Sodium in sulfuric acid.

Erm...what?

Ineth, who had already eaten during morning attendance, walked out of the class with his fellow prefects, Sineth and Ruhal. They were headed for their duty points. Maran did a very accurate imitation of a starving lion and inhaled his sandwiches before running off like a fighter jet. Nakitha was walking back from the lab at a sedate pace.

Ok, I'm definitely struggling with keeping track of all these characters. If you revise this, perhaps you could stick to only introducing a few in this chapter and keep the others for later? I'm not too clear on who is really important at this point so it would be good to have some clarity on that.

"Well you're my best friend too. I mean how long has it been now."

That last sentence should have a question mark at the end.

Ok so I'm not really 100% clear on the purpose of this chapter other than to introduce a whole load of characters all at once. We don't really see anything happening, even though it feels like a whole lot happens... does that make any sense at all? I like the glimpses we're having into their everyday life but perhaps that could be done alongside something happening? Even if it's just a little foreshadowing. Just a thought!

Anyway, hope this was helpful :) Feel free to tag me next time you post!

Icy




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Thu Sep 10, 2020 11:25 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Harry!

It seems the tables have turned today, seeing as I'm coming to you with a review rather than the other way around :p Hopefully I can do as much justice with mine to your work as you do with mine!

(I have not read any previous chapters, so I apologise if I comment on anything that I would have otherwise known not to!)


He then glanced back at Bineth who was sitting behind him, about halfway through the sums while simultaneously maintaining a conversation with Sineth, the boy sitting beside him, who had yet to finish the first one.

Rakdu slid his chair back a bit to talk to them.

"Wow, still only halfway?" he asked Ineth


I'm one to talk with all the characters I have in my work, but it did take me a moment to wrap my head around three characters who all have -ineth names. I thought that, since there had been no Ineth mentioned, you had accidentally misspelled one of the other names? Now, this is also the second part of the chapter, so you probably already introduced them, but I do want to mention that, at the beginning, you put "16 years later", which makes me wonder if this isn't 16 years after whatever happened in the last part? If this is the case, I might try to introduce them more gradually or clarify (which you did well with Bineth and Sineth, but not Ineth since they weren't mentioned at all before Rakdu asked them the question, which was why I was confused) their characters a little more!

Again, I'm sure much of this suggestion is moot because you did probably introduce them in the last part, but this is for you to do with what you will.

I just….. Math is my thing you know.


I'm not sure if this was just an error (the formatting does look like it was trying to do something funny here), but ellipses stop at the third period! More than three are unnecessary.

"I'm not a walking calculator. I just….. Math is my thing you know. I just…yeah. I can't explain it. The answers just come."

"Like I said… walking calculator."

"Baaa….Hmm.. When do you two get officially sworn in as the newest slaves of Lyceum?"


And on the subject of ellipses, actually... :P

Seriously though, ellipses are great for when you want to add more flair to your prose (and I use them all the time too!). But! too many dampen the impact they have, especially when they're so close together. I think "I just... Math is my thing, you know." is good! It gives Rakdu/his dialogue character. However, I don't think you need the said "I just... yeah" (although I'm more on the fence about that one, if you want to argue that it's realistic I would totally give you that), and I especially think that: "Like I said... walking calculator" should be "Like I said, walking calculator." There's not real need for a dramatic pause here. And here too: "Baaa.... Hmm.." can simply be "Baa. Hm. When do you two[...]" Again, there's no need for a dramatic pause, and it takes away from the effect of even putting ellipses there in the first place.

Sineth meanwhile gave Rakdu the evil eye for him referring to prefects as slaves.


Whose perspective is this from? I think it's Rakdu's, but I just wanted to mention that you wrote this line in more of an omnipresent narrator. Which is also fine, of course, but you do want to settle on which one it is!

(Also just to explain myself if you're going "what are you even talking about though", the line is written as though from Sineth's point of view, which Rakdu wouldn't see through. And I know that Rakdu can probably see Sineth giving him the evil eye, but then you'd want to make it so Rakdu was the active perspective in the sentence, something along the lines of "Rakdu ignored the evil eye that Sineth gave him as he called the prefects 'slaves'." <- hopefully that makes sense as to where I'm coming from)

Then they all joined in the class' collective sigh of relief and enthusiastic "Thaaaaaank yoooooooou, sir," as Sir Sujwa walked out, this time not to return till the next day.

Ms. Gayari, their Physics teacher, walked in..


I know you'll probably say "pot, meet kettle", but I am curious why you've included these scenes, in particular? I'm an overwriter, so I'm constantly thinking about why I'm writing the scenes I'm writing and how it serves the overarching narration, and since you're moving through these without any development (that I notice, of course, as the writer, you might have a completely different intention that I'm missing/wouldn't know about), but more of a "slice of life", if you will, I just wanted to ask what their purpose was.

(also, I will say that if a slice of life story is what you were aiming for, I'm not here to question your decisions, that's totally up to you!)

In the neighboring class, Niketha and her friends were busy grabbing practical books to go to the Physics lab; with their previous period having ended a bit late they had to work fast to make up time. The rest of their class quickly followed them as their Physics Teacher, Sir Daiyanan, had a very short fuse and would erupt very easily like a piece of Sodium in sulfuric acid.


I'll leave my previous comment up for you to take as you will, but it seems like you are intending for an omniscient narrator, so ignore most of what I said before :p (and I wouldn't ask you to clarify that either, since I'm coming in two chapters deep, so the reader should already know it by this point)

Also, I wanted to mention that you seem to lean into using a lot of filler words? "Just" "very" "really", etc etc. Words like that don't actually do anything for your prose but pad it. Words with "very" or "really" in front of them can almost always be substituted for a stronger synonym ("very fast" < "swift") or can be removed entirely without losing anything in your prose. It's fine in dialogue, because people don't speak in perfect sentences with perfect phrasing (that would be wild lol), but you want to be more watchful for it in prose.

Maran did a very accurate imitation of a starving lion and inhaled his sandwiches before running off like a fighter jet.


I know almost nothing about this character but he SOUNDS super fun already

He muttered a Greek curse before he proceeded to eat it as fast as he could without looking like an animal. Washing the whole thing down with water, he proceeded in the direction of the toilet.


"Proceeded" is another one of those words that isn't necessary! You can really (I know, I'm using filler words, but I'm not writing prose right now :p) stick with "He muttered a Greek curse, before eating as fast as he could, conscious not to scarf it down like a rapid animal. He washed it down with water, before standing and heading to the toilet."


You seem to want to elongate your sentences as much as possible? You don't have to. Fancy or more "complex" words don't equal good prose, and trying to sound eloquent is usually more harmful than helpful (though I think every writer has the temptation). Getting straight to the point isn't always a bad thing (though I don't mean tell your reader everything, because of course you want to lean into showing in your prose), especially if it's a throwaway/inconsequential action (which sometimes you don't need at all. You can absolutely say Rakdu is going to the bathroom if you want, but what's the point? He doesn't actually do anything that we need to see there, so you can leave it up to implication that he's going at some points during the day without taking up space on your page to tell us that) that serves to get your character from point a to point b.


Hasana thrust something in his face and his brain went into panic mode as it registered a centipede. Then before he could scream, his brain's detailed analysis report found the following things. Hasana was afraid of centipedes. Centipedes could not bend into the shape of such an elaborate S. No one in Hasana's class was screaming. He realized it was a fake rubber one.


I appreciate that you're telling the reader that Rakdu is analytical, but unless he has the ability to slow down time, there is not time for "detailed analysis report" in a split second. If someone is going to freak out about something being thrust in their face, it's an instant reaction. It's fine if Rakdu doesn't scare easily, or if he's more off put by Hasana thrusting something suddenly in his face, but the way that it's written right now comes across as like *gets something thrust in his face* *time slows down* *Rakdu has time to analyse the situation and have several thoughts before he actually has a reaction*.

Hasana smirked," I'll get you someday. I have to go scare people now."


Hasana also seems like a fun character! I love trickster characters (if that wasn't apparent by MY characters xD)

That was his instinct telling him something. A thought popped into his head.


So, this would be considered telling. Rather than tell the reader that his instinct is telling him something, show it in the way it affects him and how he reacts to it (for example: "A warm sensation spread through his chest. Dulath. I need to talk to Dulath."), and then show him acting on that. Saying "a thought popped into his head" is obsolete when all you actually need to do is show the character having a thought (as in my previous example, showing the thought in italics--or however you would choose to, that's my preference--already shows the reader that the character is having a thought).

to find more of his friends (victims)


friends are fair game

Rakdu was on his way to Dulath's class when he spotted his best friend leaning on the railing, looking down at the playground.She was leaning down sticking her head out perhaps a bit more than was advisable, considering the bulls that tended to rampage down the corridors.


You mention Rakdu's friend here, but then don't specify who? I'm sure the reader would know by now that Nakitha is his best friend, but you've also mentioned a lot of friends, and there's nothing prevent you from using her name here.

"So did you even look at the Further Maths homework?" asked Rakdu

She shook her head.

"As expected". She laughed in reply.

"I'll try to finish up with that P2 book and give it back by Monday or at least Tuesday," promised Rakdu.


It's unclear who's speaking here? I thought it was Rakdu, Rakdu, and then Nakitha, but then the dialogue tag on the last one was Rakdu. Rakdu asked a question, and "as expected" isn't an answer to that question. Is Rakdu answering himself and then also saying he's going to finish this book? If so, the last two lines of dialogue should be in the same paragraph, since it's the same person speaking.

"Well you're my best friend too. I mean how long has it been now."


There should be a question mark after "now"!


I want to say not a lot happened, which isn't strictly true, but it also isn't untrue? I don't know what kind of story you're building here as a whole, and while a lot of characters did a lot of different things, I didn't see anything that specifically advanced any sort of plot in this chapter. I'm not sure what the story is building towards right now, which could be because I haven't read anything else or because I'm in the second part of chapter two, but the beginning parts are pretty crucial in grabbing a reader's attention. You want to let your reader know what the plot is right away so they have questions and want to see the conclusion.

Again, sift through that what you will, since I haven't read anything more than this, but it's something I'll suggest you keep in mind.

You have a colourful cast of characters here! Hasana particularly stood out to me because of his prankster nature, and Maran did to a lesser degree (I just like the line about him trying to cruise through everything), and I would suggest trying to highlight each of your characters individuality as you move forward! I didn't confuse any of them (except at the beginning, and because of names not personalities), so you're obviously doing something right, but I'd like to see more of the characters themselves in the prose.


Hopefully this was helpful to you! If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, feel free to let me know! I'm happy to discuss :)

Otherwise, I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!

Image




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Yours feels so much more helpful than mine...:) (I just tell you how awesome everything is)
Ahh...I think the first chapter was supposed to pull all the weight of grabbing attention and then the third chapter has a little surprise at the end to help out...so this one is kinda just a day in their life...in hindsight this should probably have been chapter 3 :)



mellifera says...


aw no!! xD yours are very helpful too (telling me how awesome everything is gives me a self-esteem boost though so saying that's not helping is completely untrue!)

you're welcome though!! I'm glad I could be of service :D



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Thu Sep 10, 2020 7:06 pm
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Andrewknorpp wrote a review...



Hey! Andrew here to review your peice. Overall the first bit was hard to follow, so many characters doing so many things in so many places. I think I would really like to see out of Rakdu's eyes more, maybe slow down a bit so we can be there with him. But, I really liked the 'lets live a day in the busy life of Rakdu vibe.' Also, the part at the end of having to play a part to fit in was very relatble.


But into specifics!

Rakdu,at his usual speed, proceeded to destroy all the sums (this was the math period) Sir Sujwa gave while he was still explaining the first one to the class. He then glanced back at Bineth who was sitting behind him, about halfway through the sums while simultaneously maintaining a conversation with Sineth, the boy sitting beside him, who had yet to finish the first one.

Space after comma. Also, this entire parpgah was hard to follow, and the explanation that this was math class in the brackets felt clunky.
The seconds were being counted down to recess which was at ten twenty five.

Don't really know when why we need to know when reccess is. But it's not that big of a deal either way. Also, this feels like clunky.
Maran did a very accurate imitation of a starving lion and inhaled his sandwiches before running off like a fighter jet.

A lot of sentences are like this, where they just keep going, sometimes it almost gets mentally trying, consider splitting them up.
"As expected". She laughed in reply.

Move that period to inside the quotes.
Also, there are a couple examples of the weird quotation mark space, but I'll let you find them (;.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!

Thanks, and keep writing!
-Andrew




HarryHardy says...


Thank you for the review!!
Ha glad you like that...this is sort of a get to know the main characters with a day in their life kinda chapter before actual Hogwarts stuff begins




When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer