A Day Off Part 1

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Harry let out a yawn as he looked out onto the view before them. It wasn't something that they got a chance to do too often. The last time that they'd had a day off to actually have time to sit back and enjoy the view was almost a century ago. He smiled as memories of that day came flooding into his mind. Today would hopefully live up to that.

He glanced back to check if his friends were going to arrive anytime soon. It had been fifteen minutes since he'd left the three of them behind to go sit by the lake. They'd promised to be there in five minutes but apparently they were not following Omegaverse Standard Time because five minutes was long gone. He let out a sigh and studied the scene in front of him.

A glimmering expanse of blood red liquid spread out in front of him, hissing as the wind blew little waves of it towards the snowy banks colored yellow by the sulfur from the lake. On the other side of the massive lake was a carved footpath heading down from the mountain top that they were currently on. Down below was the Forest of Ricoats, the bright greens and reds of its fauna glowing in the setting sun.

The bright blue of the sun gave lit up the entire area making it look like a scene from some fantasy novel, with the whole place appearing to be permeated in magic. Of course the fact that it was actually infused with several millennia of magic probably added to the effect.

"Yo, what on Earth art thou doing staring at that stupid lake?" came a voice from behind it.

"Exactly what else am I supposed to be looking at?" shot back Harry, turning to see his friend Vankous.

Behind Vankous, Harry could see two others approaching: Stean and James. They were here. Finally.

"Fair point," said Vankous, offering him a bag of chips," Want some?"

"Wait you didn't give us some," said James, sliding in between the two and snatching the bag before it could be handed off. He took off around the lake.

Vankous and Harry exchanged a look.

"Catch..." began Vankous.

"....him" finished Harry, hauling himself to his feet.

"Guys!" said Stean, before the two of them could take off after James.

"What?" they chorused, whirling around to face him.

"Do you really want to waste the morning running after him?"

"Well I mean do you have a better idea?" asked Vankous, shrugging," we are literally jobless right now."

"Exactly," said Harry," also its like the evening right now...wrong planet."

"That's my bad," said Stean sheepishly, " also..right. We actually are jobless although I was thinking more along the lines of walk in the forest down there."

"Hmm...that might actually be fun."

"Provided nothing tries to eat us," said Vankous.

"Dude, that's the best part," said Harry.

"Agreed," said Stean and the two exchanged a hi five.

"Is anyone going to go catch him?" said Vankous pointing at James, who was still running full tilt along the lake.

"Umm...right, we have to get the chips first, those are vital," said Harry.

"Let's see who catches him first," declared Stean, winking, before he launched off at super speed, catching up to James in a heartbeat, causing him to slide to a stop.

"No super speed, that's cheating!" shouted Vankous, shaking his fist at him.

"Dude. No one needs super speed to beat you in a race," said Harry, before he also got to his feet and took off, arriving next to the two of them in seconds. He looked back at Vankous, who had his hands on his hips as he did his best to look like a mom annoyed with her five year old. He gave him a cheery wave.

Vankous vanished in a flash of purple light and reappeared next to them, startling James, who promptly dropped the bag of chips and stumbled back a few steps.

Harry let out a sigh and held out his hand, the bag of chips zooming right into it.

Vankous, also lunged for he chips, several seconds too late and managed to knock himself off balance, landing flat on his face. James, who managed to catch himself before he fell, burst in laughter.

"Really, Vankous. You had to teleport?" asked Harry, also trying very hard not to laugh. Stean was the only one that was maintaining a straight face.

"Dude, you know that I don't run after things, I mean why bother..."

"...when you can teleport," finished the other three, rolling their eyes in unison.

"Yes you have said that like four million times already," said James, offering Vankous a hand after he had managed to stop laughing.

Vankous took his hand and hauled himself to his feet.

"I don't think its four million though, that seems kinda high," Vankous said," hmm I wonder if I could look through the time line and do a count."

"Dude." said Harry.

"Sorry. Where were we again before this chip business happened?" asked Vankous.

"Talking about taking walk," supplied Stean.

"In the woods?" asked James.

"No in the bathroom," said Harry.

"Really?" asked Vankous,"ohhh you did not mean that literally."

Harry facepalmed.

"Let's just go," said Stean, gesturing towards the path.

"But the chips?" asked James.

"I will hold the chips," declared Harry, giving them a salute.

"Why do you get to hold the chips?" asked James," I can hold it too."

"There be monsters in there, and y'all need both hands to fight."

"I don't," said Vankous, crossing his arms and frowning.

"Me neither," said Stean," only James actually has to use his hands."

"But I am the least likely to drop it," argued Harry.

"Fair point," agreed Vankous, dropping the frown and letting his arms fall to his side.

"Fine. Can we just go already?" said Stean, turning to leave before stopping at the edge of the lake," oh wait who wants to do the honors and freeze the lake."

"Furakra!" announced Vankous. Glowing purple letters in Alpheek appeared on the surface of the pond before it began to freeze the sulfur changing color from red to yellow as it turned solid.

"Hmm...into the woods we go I guess," said Harry, before cringing," wow that sounded stupid."

The others laughed and the four of them began their walk across the lake.

Comments

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Sat Jan 09, 2021 3:08 am

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whatchamacallit wrote a review...

Hi Harry! After much ado I'm finally here for a review ^^

I really like the dynamic you have between James, Stean, and Vankous - and the dialogue conveys it quite well. It's very back-and-forth, snappy, and stop-and-start; just like what you'd expect between friends.

Having said that, though, there are some parts that are a big dialogue-heavy (I mention it in the specific comments, too) and I think spreading the dialogue out or interspersing it with descriptions would help to balance the pacing out. Since Harry's the main character, too, it wouldn't hurt to add more of his inner dialogue / impressions / reactions / thoughts, all that fun stuff

Now onto more specific comments and nitpicks!

Harry let out a yawn as he looked out onto the view before them. It wasn't something that they got a chance to do too often. The last time that they'd had a day off to actually have time to sit back and enjoy the view was almost a century ago. He smiled as memories of that day came flooding into his mind. Today would hopefully live up to that.

I was a bit confused by the use of "them" and "they" in this opening paragraph. At first I thought maybe the main character uses gender-neutral pronouns, but you refer to him as he right off the back so that obviously isn't the case. Then after I read a bit farther I realize you were referring to his friend group. It's not really a huge deal, but I do think the opening would be smoother and easier if you just established who "they" were right off the bat - even just changing the opening line to:

Harry let out a yawn as he looked out onto the view before him and his group of friends

(Also, rereading that, the repetition of "out" feels a bit clunky. But that's a super-duper minor nitpick!)

They'd promised to be there in five minutes but apparently they were not following Omegaverse Standard Time because five minutes was long gone.

Ooh OST has sparked my interest! I love when fantasy/science-fiction has elements that are similar enough to Earth to be familiar but different enough to be unique and intriguing. I am curious though, does the whole universe have one single timezone? Or is "Omegaverse Standard Time" more like an equivalent to Greenwich Mean Time?

A glimmering expanse of blood red liquid spread out in front of him, hissing as the wind blew little waves of it towards the snowy banks colored yellow by the sulfur from the lake.

Loving these descriptions! My only pointer would be to watch out for sentences that verge on run-on. Even just popping a dash in would pause the flow nicely:

A glimmering expanse of blood red liquid spread out in front of him, hissing as the wind blew little waves of it towards the banks - snow colored yellow by the sulfur from the lake.

like a scene from some fantasy novel,

Ahaha a sneaky bit of irony! I like it!

"Catch..." began Vankous.

"....him" finished Harry, hauling himself to his feet.

First of all, love the dynamic you've already established between the two of them! I do feel like the consequent chunk of the story becomes a bit dialogue-heavy, though -> even just elaborating a bit on the dialogue tags would help out. Or even some descriptions of body language!

"Dude. No one needs super speed to beat you in a race," said Harry, before he also got to his feet and took off, arriving next to the two of them in seconds. He looked back at Vankous, who had his hands on his hips as he did his best to look like a mom annoyed with her five year old. He gave him a cheery wave.

Speaking of, here's a perfect example of what I mean by body language! c:

"Fine. Can we just go already?" said Stean, turning to leave before stopping at the edge of the lake," oh wait who wants to do the honors and freeze the lake."

"Furakra!" announced Vankous. Glowing purple letters in Alpheek appeared on the surface of the pond before it began to freeze the sulfur changing color from red to yellow as it turned solid.

Ooh interesting magic system! Also, this is very off-topic, but is Stean pronounced "Stawn" like "Sean" or "Steen" like "Dean"? My brain keeps flip-flopping between the two xD

All in all, this was a fun read! I love the characters and the magic system is really intriguing - I'm interested to see what happens in part 2! I hope this review proves helpful, and I'm so sorry for the delay.

Keep writing c:

whatcha

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Mon Nov 16, 2020 9:35 pm

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Magebird wrote a review...

Hi HarryHardy! I'm finally here to review your work - sorry I took so long!

After reading the first part of your short story, I'm starting to suspect I'll be reading The Alpha Pack during my upcoming winter break. There's nothing better than a group of overpowered heroes using their powers to goof around and hang out. This reads like a fanfiction of a bigger series, and I wholeheartedly mean that as a compliment. One of the things that I love about fanfictions is that they give fans a chance to see the characters in an often softer and more mundane setting, and I'm always down for that. Plot is good, but there's also nothing wrong with a character-centric piece.

@Andrewknorpp hinted at this a little in his review, but your dialogue tags are a little off. This Tumblr post has some great examples of dialogue if you're not entirely sure what works and what doesn't, but I think the issues with the dialogue here might be just formatting ones. There's extra spaces where there shouldn't be. Here's an example of one of the areas:

"Well I mean do you have a better idea?" asked Vankous, shrugging," we are literally jobless right now."

"Exactly," said Harry," also its like the evening right now...wrong planet."

(Also, speaking of these lines: don't forget to add commas to show breaks! Vankous' question reads like a run-off sentence right now, but he would naturally break somewhere in the middle of it while talking. If you're ever not sure where to put breaks in dialogue like that, try reading the line out loud!

)

Here's what the dialogue formatting should actually look like, along with an alternative way to write that first question:

"Well, I mean - do you have a better idea?" asked Vankous, shrugging. "We are literally jobless right now."

"Exactly," said Harry. "Also its like the evening right now...wrong planet."

Basically, make sure to remove the spaces and capitalize where needed! That post I linked gives more specific examples of dialogue as well.

Besides that, the only other critique I can think of is that this part of the short story is very dialogue-heavy. There's not anything necessarily wrong with that if it's more of your writing style, but it's also helpful to vary up paragraph size and structure for your reader! It makes it easier for them to keep track of everything going on.

But I really do love this story so far. <3 It's cool seeing characters that I know from roleplays interact with each other in the context of their fictional universe. It's especially entertaining seeing Vankous so chill when he's blowing a fuse over in Be Our Guest right now. The lighthearted chaos of this part definitely leaves me wary for the future sections, though. It would work perfectly as a standalone story, but I know there has to be something that happens to make it a three-part story. And vacation side stories are rarely all fun and games, so I'm really intrigued right now.

All in all, this is a great story! Let me know if you have any questions about my review.

(In the meantime, I'll be popping over to Part 2!)

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Tue Sep 22, 2020 2:24 am

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MaybeAndrew wrote a review...

Okay, so this was pretty fun. I haven’t read any alpha pack (yet) but these goof balls were definitely likable. Nothing much seems to happen, but their magical bro shenanigans was entertaining none the less.
But into specifics

It wasn't something that they got a chance to do too often. The last time that they'd had a day off to actually have time to sit back and enjoy the view was almost a century ago.

He is the most immature 100+ year old I have ever encountered. But honestly, I kinda respect that. (To tell the truth the first time I read this I didn’t realize they were all adults. I thought they were like teenagers or something.)

A glimmering expanse of blood red liquid spread out in front of him, hissing as the wind blew little waves of it towards the snowy banks colored yellow by the sulfur from the lake. On the other side of the massive lake was a carved footpath heading down from the mountain top that they were currently on. Down below was the Forest of Ricoats, the bright greens and reds of its fauna glowing in the setting sun.

Maybe this is just me but this was a bit hard to follow/imagine

look like a scene from some fantasy novel

Shatter that fourth wall.

“Yo, what on Earth art thou doing staring at that stupid lake?" came a voice from behind it.

Never have I felt more exposed. This is exactly how I talk to my friends.

shot back Harry, turning to see his friend Vankous.

Shot back makes this sound more... bitter than I think it’s meant to be.

“Dude. No one needs super speed to beat you in a race," said Harry, before he also got to his feet and took off, arriving next to the two of them in seconds. He looked back at Vankous, who had his hands on his hips as he did his best to look like a mom annoyed with her five year old. He gave him a cheery wave.

Dang, James is slow, had like 30 seconds and Harry’s there. Or Harry’s like usain bolt

“No in the bathroom," said Harry.

It took me hilariously long to get this. I’m dumb.

The others laughed and the four of them began their walk across the lake.

*cue sitcom credits music*
I found a lot of the weird space quotation mark things but I won’t list them... because I’m lazy!
This was fun though, however immature.
Thanks, and keep writing

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Thu Sep 10, 2020 12:18 pm

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Stormblessed242 wrote a review...

Hello, Stormblessed here!
I had been wondering what you were doing with this story. Good to see it's still going! In regards to spelling or grammatical errors, there aren't many. The main thing I noticed was a under usage of commas in some places. But I'll point those out for you, and then you'll be all set!

"Wait you didn't give us some,"

I would put a comma after "wait."

"Well I mean do you have a better idea?"

This a bit more of an opinion, but I think commas after both "well" and "mean" would break this up better.

Yes you have said that like four million times already,"

I would put a comma after "Yes."

I don't think its four million though, that seems kinda high," Vankous said," hmm I wonder if I could look through the time line and do a count."

This whole section could be broken up a bit better. I would try:
"I don't think it's four million, though. That seems kinda high." Vankous said. "Hmm. I wonder if I could look through the timeline and do a count."

"Really?" asked Vankous,"ohhh you did not mean that literally."

I would put a comma, or even a period, after "ohh," which, actually, now that I'm looking at it, should be capitalized as well.

"oh wait who wants to do the honors and freeze the lake."

"Oh" should be capitalized, and I would put a period after "wait," and since it's a question, there should be a question mark after "lake."

Hmm...into the woods we go I guess," said Harry, before cringing," wow that sounded stupid."

Since Harry's saying two different statements, there should be a period after "guess," and "wow" should be capitalized.

There are a few grammar mistakes, but minor ones.

more along the lines of walk in the forest

It should be "a walk," there.

also lunged for he chips,

"he" should be "the."

Talking about taking walk,"

Again, missing an "a" before "walk."

Besides those, great job! I love your characters (especially Vankous,) and I can't wait for more!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242

HarryHardy says...

Thank you for the review!!

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Thu Sep 10, 2020 5:41 am

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Vil wrote a review...

Ok. Sadly, I realized that if I had coffee right now, i'd never go to sleep, so you'll be getting a "I should probably sleep but I'm not going to review" from me [*insert time of day here*].

First Impression
You tossed in a "y'all"; the Southern part of me is proud.

What I Dislike
I dislike that you accused me of using my name in a story and then used your own! XD

There were a few grammatical errors that I am able to overlook as i is almost a quarter to one in the morning.

What I Like
I like how lax and friendly this group of friends is. It made me smile and reminisce about some good ol' times.

In Summary
I liked this work. You made me laugh almost as hard as you tend to do in your reviews when you just list your thoughts, so that was nice.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!

HarryHardy says...

Thanks for the review!!
Ha ha...Harry Hardy the character in this world was made a long long time ago.

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A Day Off Part 1

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