Hi Harry! After much ado I'm finally here for a review ^^
I really like the dynamic you have between James, Stean, and Vankous - and the dialogue conveys it quite well. It's very back-and-forth, snappy, and stop-and-start; just like what you'd expect between friends.
Having said that, though, there are some parts that are a big dialogue-heavy (I mention it in the specific comments, too) and I think spreading the dialogue out or interspersing it with descriptions would help to balance the pacing out. Since Harry's the main character, too, it wouldn't hurt to add more of his inner dialogue / impressions / reactions / thoughts, all that fun stuff
Now onto more specific comments and nitpicks!
I was a bit confused by the use of "them" and "they" in this opening paragraph. At first I thought maybe the main character uses gender-neutral pronouns, but you refer to him as he right off the back so that obviously isn't the case. Then after I read a bit farther I realize you were referring to his friend group. It's not really a huge deal, but I do think the opening would be smoother and easier if you just established who "they" were right off the bat - even just changing the opening line to:Harry let out a yawn as he looked out onto the view before them. It wasn't something that they got a chance to do too often. The last time that they'd had a day off to actually have time to sit back and enjoy the view was almost a century ago. He smiled as memories of that day came flooding into his mind. Today would hopefully live up to that.
Harry let out a yawn as he looked out onto the view before him and his group of friends
(Also, rereading that, the repetition of "out" feels a bit clunky. But that's a super-duper minor nitpick!)
Ooh OST has sparked my interest! I love when fantasy/science-fiction has elements that are similar enough to Earth to be familiar but different enough to be unique and intriguing. I am curious though, does the whole universe have one single timezone? Or is "Omegaverse Standard Time" more like an equivalent to Greenwich Mean Time?They'd promised to be there in five minutes but apparently they were not following Omegaverse Standard Time because five minutes was long gone.
Loving these descriptions! My only pointer would be to watch out for sentences that verge on run-on. Even just popping a dash in would pause the flow nicely:A glimmering expanse of blood red liquid spread out in front of him, hissing as the wind blew little waves of it towards the snowy banks colored yellow by the sulfur from the lake.
A glimmering expanse of blood red liquid spread out in front of him, hissing as the wind blew little waves of it towards the banks - snow colored yellow by the sulfur from the lake.
Ahaha a sneaky bit of irony! I like it!like a scene from some fantasy novel,
First of all, love the dynamic you've already established between the two of them! I do feel like the consequent chunk of the story becomes a bit dialogue-heavy, though -> even just elaborating a bit on the dialogue tags would help out. Or even some descriptions of body language!"Catch..." began Vankous.
"....him" finished Harry, hauling himself to his feet.
Speaking of, here's a perfect example of what I mean by body language! c:"Dude. No one needs super speed to beat you in a race," said Harry, before he also got to his feet and took off, arriving next to the two of them in seconds. He looked back at Vankous, who had his hands on his hips as he did his best to look like a mom annoyed with her five year old. He gave him a cheery wave.
Ooh interesting magic system! Also, this is very off-topic, but is Stean pronounced "Stawn" like "Sean" or "Steen" like "Dean"? My brain keeps flip-flopping between the two xD"Fine. Can we just go already?" said Stean, turning to leave before stopping at the edge of the lake," oh wait who wants to do the honors and freeze the lake."
"Furakra!" announced Vankous. Glowing purple letters in Alpheek appeared on the surface of the pond before it began to freeze the sulfur changing color from red to yellow as it turned solid.
All in all, this was a fun read! I love the characters and the magic system is really intriguing - I'm interested to see what happens in part 2! I hope this review proves helpful, and I'm so sorry for the delay.
Keep writing c:
whatcha
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