Joan walked briskly down the street. This couldn't be a coincidence. That man wasn't there on accident. Joan was being followed. But by who? All the man did was point at him. The man who hid in the thick cover of the fog. The man who used the cold to his advantage. The man that Joan wasn't even sure was a man. Joan wrapped his arms around his small frame. It was useless. The cold just seeped through his jacket and T-shirt. The thick fog that hovered around him didn't help his cause at all. Joan let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. It appeared just in from of his eyes before crystallizing and falling to the frozen pavement.
Joan turned the street corner. The man was there, the same man a before, just staring at him. Staring and pointing. His fingers were abnormally long. They were pale as the moon after an afternoon rain. The man was covered with a hooded cloak, his face totally concealed. The man's finger, as long as a ruler, pointed to one of Joan's eyes. Then, very slowly, moved to the other. The man extended another finger so that each finger lined up with an eye. There should be sound. The sound of breathing, the sound of raindrops, anything!
But there was nothing.
There was just dark and cold and empty.
No warmth.
No light.
No place to go.
No place to hide.
No safety.
Nothing.
Joan turned and ran the way he had come. Before turning the corner, Joan whipped around to look at the man. He stood still as stone on the other side of the sidewalk. Joan turned the corner. The man was there, his fingers in the same position as the first thousand times. Pointing to his eyes, almost touching his eyelashes but not quite. So close, yet not touching.
Joan looked down the street he just came from. The man was not there. Joan wondered what kind of man -what kind of human- could do that? Then it hit him.
No one.
No one can move that fast.
No man's fingers could be that long and cold.
No human can radiate cold like this man does.
This man was not a man at all.
Joan realized this all too late. The man's cold fingers wrapped around his neck, cutting off his voice as well as his air. Joan tried to scream but couldn't. For the first time, he wished that he could see his breath in the cold air. Just to know that he was still breathing. Just to know that he was still alive. But after the creature dragged Joan into the dark and cold and foggy corner of the Earth, where no one dares to go, Joan stopped struggling.
He stopped fighting.
He stopped breathing.
Joan was now as cold as the man -creature- that took him.
He was as cold as the air on the day he left this world.
Joan learned this lesson all too soon:
Never go out into the dark and cold and foggy night alone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey! I loved this description. It was amazing. You really hit home with this one. Most people are afraid of walking alone in dense fog! This definitely was a good piece.
Thank you so much!
Hello!
This reminds me of Slender Man, and honestly it spiked my anxiety a little bit. Congrats on that! I usually hard to break on these sorts of things. Just the atmosphere of being alone on the street and being followed really gets to me. So congrats on actually writing something that sped up my heart beat!
I didn't really find that much to comment on. It was a very short story and very straightforward. One thing is that I think this would have had more of an affect on me if I felt closer to the story. The writing made everything that was happening seem far away. I did, however, like the parts where the creature was doing his weird stuff. The use of your short, punch-y sentences were really effective for setting up the tone.
I do have one specific problem with this sentence:
Just the imagery was weird. I couldn't imagine a breath actually crystallizing. I understood what you meant, but it was still weird to imagine.
And that was all for critiques. This had a big urban legend/creepypasta vibe to it and I really liked it!
Those long fingers pointing straight at the eyeballs. Yikes!
I know, right! Too spoopy for me
Thank you so much, Nobunga! You just made my day!
Awww! You're welcome! I'm happy to help.
I will post another short tomorrow. I'm not sure of the title, but if you have something you want written, send me the prompt and I'll write it. I need suggestions!
Thanks for sharing this horror story concerning a person named Joan who encounters what seems to be a man but which is actually something more sinister. The sudden shifts in position along with the abnormally long fingers conveys that fact very well. Not revealing his face adds to the tension. For some reason this reminded me of the film Mimic where insects appeared in outward human form at night and attacked unsuspecting people. But this is more chilling since the true nature of the man is never specifically revealed.
Suggestions
The only thing that reduced my enjoyment by distracting me was the constant repetition of the name Joan and the constant references to “”the man”. Reduction of those two statements would greatly improve the story. Using the pronoun he and him would be better. Also, the name Joan seemed to be referring to a female.
I thought Joan was a female name.
https://www.behindthename.com/name/joan-1
Joan = 17 times Reducing the number of times could be done by using the pronoun “he” instead.
The man = 16 times can also be reduced in a similar way.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for your suggestions! That really helps! Just btw, I post on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday afternoons.
Hi, HalfBloodFangirl, I am here to provide you a review since you mentioned it in the club wall. Let’s get started, shall we?
I. Nitpicks and Stuff
It seems like that you over-explained the coldness of the fog just a bit. No need to overly describe how the fog is. Also, there is a sentence that is not needed in this paragraph. You can take it out.
The sentence that is highlighted in purple: How do you not know that you were holding your breath? Did you like the cold air coming out when he exhales?
You just need to change ‘a’ to ‘as’. It’s a simple mistake. People do that all the time. Even I do it when I write so don’t feel too bad about it.
Please explain this me. How does moon go pale when it’s already pale after rain? Maybe you’d be able to help me understand this because I am confused by this sentence.
II. Overall Opinion
The story did have that dramatic and eerie tension that it was looking for. I loved the suspense, and the character’s reaction to the creature man was simply on point. This got me hooked to the end, which is good, because every story needs that beginner to get the readers hooked to your writing. This was a good read for your first post and I can’t wait to read more of your work. You do have the talent for writing. I hope this review helps.
Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!
- Kanome
I had the feeling that this would be bad. I'm not good at writing horror, I just do it when I have a decent idea. Thanks for the feedback! I think I'll be sticking to prompts now so if you have one that you want written, just send it to me. I'm particularly good at romances.
It's good to try out genre you don't work with. It wasn't a bad horror prompt. The more you write in this genre, the better you will get. Don't give up!
Hey, not sure if I'm going to get this review finished before bed but I'll give it a shot.
I'll start with some small things as I go through, then give an overall summary of my thoughts at the end.
Nit-picks:
Is that "from" meant to be "front"?
Is that a thing? I don't think that's a well-known enough reference to use as a simile. Also it sounds weird to reference the moon in terms of afternoons.
You already mentioned how long his fingers well. Also this is an odd description since rulers can be as long as you like. It would work if you said something like as straight and/or as rigid as a ruler.
Overall:
So, this story does have the sort of dramatic tension that you need to draw a reader in. The issue is that you don't really provide an explanation for why any of it is happening. Like, there's an [i[alien[/i] and I have no idea why? The point of suspense and drama is to have a huge impact, but this is difficult when I find it difficult to buy into the scenario. You are asking me to stretch my imagination quite far. And that's not necessarily the fact that it's not a human being, fantasy stories are often a thing. But the thing seems to completely lack motivation, so I have no idea why this is happening, which makes it hard to believe it as a thing that happened.
Also your use of single sentence paragraphs is useful for impact but doing it three times unfortunately lessens this.
Still, your technique is really good. I think if you can work on a more detailed plot with three dimensional characters you'll be able to use your skills to make a tense and exciting story.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thank you! That typo was really embarrassing! I'll work on everything that you said!