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Young Writers Society



This Thing of Mine - Chapter One

by HIGHWHITESOCKS


The Gift

For once in over six months, Harmony woke up smiling. His feet were warm, tucked away under two blankets. The bed felt soft against his back, so much more comfortable than a sheet of old cardboard. And his eyes opened to a calm white ceiling, rather than harsh morning sunlight.

He lay still on the mattress for several more minutes, as if when he finally got up it would be lost to him forever. After some time, he lifted the covers and got to his feet. There was a small nightstand next to the bed with a lamp and a telephone. In an opposite corner sat an armchair, where Harmony had tossed his jacket when he had walked in. By the door, a stove and a refrigerator shared a small kitchen space, across from a modest bathroom.

The apartment was not opulent, certainly not the sort of place he imagined Bruce to live in, but to him it could have been a nobleman’s castle. He sighed, all this was his home now.

A sudden ringing interrupted his thoughts. He shook his head and reached over for the telephone. “Hello?”

“Flash,” the familiar voice on the other end greeted him.

Harmony laughed to himself. “Thunder. Good morning Bruce.”

“Good morning Harmony! How’s the apartment, you find everything okay?” Bruce asked.

“Yes, everything is in good order here,” he responded. “Thank you again for letting me stay here.”

“Well don’t go and start destroying the place, you’re there as a service to me remember, hah. Has Virgil called you yet?”

Harmony wiped his eyes with his free hand. “No, I haven’t heard from him yet.”

“Well I gave him the number for the apartment so he could reach you. He told me that he would be needing you again today,” Bruce explained. “Once you’re finished with him, join up with me back at the apartment, there’s someone I’d like you to meet.”

“Okay, I’ll wait to hear from him,” Harmony said.

“Oh, there should be a suit in the closet there, go on and wear it to work. You’ve got to dress for the life you want, right? Hah, see you this afternoon!” With that, the line went quiet.

Harmony hung up the phone and proceeded to the bathroom. There was plenty of soap in the shower, and plenty of hot water, both of which were luxuries that held him in awe. After several minutes under the steaming waterfall, he dried himself off and went to check the closet. Bruce was right, there was a three-piece suit hanging up, along with a few other clothes.

It was the first time Harmony had ever worn a suit before, and he was surprised to find that it fit him. Certainly not a tailored fit, but he was able to move about freely with reasonable comfort. The starchy feeling of the shirt would take some getting used to though. He checked himself over in the mirror against the wall, and he liked the look of nice clothes on him.

The telephone rang again as he stood admiring his reflection, and he walked over to the desk to pick it up. “Hello?”

“Hey kid, it’s Virgil, you ready to work?”

“Yeah, all set!”

“Good, get on over here on the double, you have deliveries to make!” Virgil hung up.

Harmony laid the receiver on the cradle and started for the door. As he was about to reach for the doorknob, he stopped. Turning on a heel, he walked over to the armchair and felt inside the pocket of the field coat. He took out the harmonica and tucked it away inside the pocket of his suit jacket as he left the apartment. It made him feel better having it close. After all, the little instrument did have a history now.

~~~

“So how’d the delivering go today?” Bruce asked.

“Good, it was a good day.” Harmony and Bruce sat in the back of a taxi, which Bruce had directed to West 17th. They were going to the meeting appointment they had discussed on the phone earlier that morning. “I rode with the truck, and I had two deliveries to make.”

“Well Virgil has only good things to say about you thus far, hah. I think he’s happy that he got you before someone else did.”

“Bruce, I was wondering something, and maybe you could tell me. Why does Virgil have me make certain deliveries instead of the other workers?” Harmony asked. “Is there a reason I need to be the one to give certain packages away?”

“It’s more a matter of principle than anything else,” Bruce replied. “Gallo Imports has a list of important regular clients, and Virgil likes to show his appreciation for their loyalty by having his personal assistant administer their sales. It’s good for business.”

Harmony nodded. “I see. He wants to put his best foot forward.”

“That’s right. They also purchase expensive goods that he doesn’t trust any of his regular workers with, hah. So he only wants a person who reports directly to him to deliver them.

In another few moments, the taxi slowed to a halt in front of an apartment building. Bruce paid the fare, and the two stepped out onto the sidewalk. “I think you’re really going to like this guy, Harmony.”

“Who is this friend of yours?” Harmony asked.

“Someone who I think you will get along quite well with, hah.” Bruce opened the door and made his way across the lobby to the front desk. “We’re here to see Mark,” he said to the attendant.

“Ah yes, Mr. Pikerson! He’s been expecting you, go on up, I’ll call to let him know.” The attendant nodded, and Bruce beckoned for Harmony to follow him.

It was a short climb up the carpeted stairway to the third floor. Bruce walked the length of the narrow hallway and knocked on the door at the very end. A voice called from inside. “Come on in! It’s open!”

Harmony stepped inside behind Bruce to an intimate sitting room. A man sat in a fine armchair facing the door, one leg crossed over the other. From the neatly combed hair to the pressed socks, he was perfectly clean and well-kept despite his casual shirt-and-pants dress. He looked younger than Bruce, but older than Harmony himself.

“Harmony, I’d like to introduce you to Mark Ayers,” Bruce said, holding out his hand in Mark’s direction. “Mark, this is Harmony Holmes, the boy I was telling you about.”

“Harmony! Now that’s a name, hah! Nice to meet you son,” Mark said as he shook Harmony’s hand. His handshake was a friendly and energetic one, but did not quite match the charisma of Bruce’s.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Mr. Ayers sir,” Harmony replied.

Mark laughed as he returned the greeting. “You were right Bruce, he is a regular little private! Sir’s for soldiers and waiters my boy, we use first names among friends.”

Harmony smiled, Mark’s good humor put him at ease. “Bruce told me you were someone I had to meet.”

“Hoped he would! After hearing the story, I had to see for myself,” Mark said. “Please, sit down, make yourself comfortable.” He gestured toward the sofa against the left wall.

Harmony and Bruce both took seats. The cushions were the perfect medium of firm and soft. Bruce reclined and rested an ankle on his knee. “Mark and I were in basic training together at Fort Bragg,” he said.

“Were indeed,” Mark said. “Finest marksman you’ve ever seen right there.” He pointed to Bruce, who rolled his eyes and dismissively waved his hand.

“Oh, I was nothing special,” Bruce chuckled.

“You’re full of shit! He was the best in our training group,” Mark said to Harmony, “and he wasn’t too dumb either.”

“Just smart enough for a leader, and just dumb enough for a soldier,” Bruce joked.

“Every specialty school in the army wanted him. And wouldn’t you know it, this lunatic went and joined up with the 101.” Mark reached for a steaming mug on the wooden coffee table and took a sip.

“Were you both in the airborne division?” Harmony asked.

“Well, you must be the bigger fool, because I talked you into going along with me, didn’t I?” Bruce raised his eyebrows at Mark.

Mark laughed again. “Yeah, you did. We were both in with the airborne, Harmony, to answer your question. I went a different way though, combat engineer.”

“Ooh. What did you do?” Harmony leaned forward.

“Dig trenches and find mines, hah,” Mark said. “Technical things.” He took another sip from his mug. “But enough of that, I’m sure you all didn’t make the trip over here to talk about old war stories.”

Harmony turned to Bruce. “What exactly did we come out here for? What story did you tell him for that matter?”

“Bruce tells me that you have some music skill?” Mark asked.

“Oh, did he?” Harmony felt his face flush.

“That’s right! You wouldn’t believe this boy on a harmonica, he’s outstanding,” Bruce declared.

“Well how did this come up in conversation?” Harmony looked back and forth between the two men.

“Mark is a musician,” said Bruce.

“And a musician always ends up talking about music sooner or later, hah. So when Bruce here told me that you played, well I had to see for myself,” Mark finished. He got up and took his mug to the kitchen, rinsing it off in the sink. “How ‘bout it Harmony, show me what you can do?”

Harmony shifted his weight back and forth on the sofa, staring down at his feet. It was one thing to play for a friend, where there were no stakes. But for a real musician? He did not even know if he really was any good, or if Bruce was just humoring him.

“Oh, you know what, I am due for an appointment across town!” Bruce opened his pocket watch and leapt to his feet as he saw the time. “Mark, I hate to run so soon, but you know how business is.”

“Well you don’t get to wear suits like that by being late,” Mark teased. “Get out of here, it’s great seeing you.” He shook Bruce’s hand as he made for the door.

“Likewise, we’ll have lunch sometime soon. Harmony, I will see you later. Now you two play nice, and have a lovely afternoon!” With a final wave, Bruce slid around the door and shut it behind him.

Mark leaned against the arm of his chair toward Harmony. “Well, are you going to hold me in suspense? I’d very much like to hear you play.”

Harmony took a deep breath. “Well…if you answer a question for me first, then I can try and play something.”

“Absolutely, what would you like to know?”

“You know Bruce pretty well, what exactly does he do? For work and such.”

Mark scratched his chin for a moment. “There isn’t really a title for what Bruce is,” he finally said. “He’s like a…consultant. But that doesn’t really capture it all. He helps companies plan business strategy, like Gallo Imports. He’s worked with Virgil since we got back to the states. He also connects people. Helps businesses find clients, facilitates deals, that sort of thing. He knows a lot of people, so people come to him a lot.”

“Wow. He must be really influential,” Harmony said.

“You can say that again. Alright, you got your question, now I’d really like to hear that harmonica of yours.” Mark clasped his hands on his lap. “Let’s see that musical skill.”

Harmony nodded, taking his harmonica from an inner pocket. He wiped the brass with his thumb, and caressed the wood tenderly. He placed his lips against the number four hole, and blew through it. Just as before, it played a sweet, beautiful sound. From the first breath, his hands knew what to do. He played a melody as easily as if it had been written in front of him.

With the final note, Harmony lowered the harmonica to his lap. He said nothing, but waited for Mark to speak.

Mark had closed his eyes while Harmony played, and he opened them as the room fell silent again. For what seemed like a very long moment, he sat motionless, with a steady gaze focusing on nothing. Just as Harmony was about to speak, Mark shook his head.

“You don’t have skill.”

Harmony felt an immense weight fall on his shoulders, crushing all the air out of him. He stared down at the harmonica, at his lifeless hands. Of course he had no skill. It was a foolish idea, coming here with this instrument. It would have been better if he had not played, if he never played again. But when he raised his eyes, he saw that Mark was smiling.

“You have a gift,” Mark told him.

In an instant, Harmony felt his heart explode. He had to grip at the edges of his sleeves to keep his fingers from shaking. Every surface of his body felt hot and cold all at once. “I… I…”

“I have not heard someone with so much talent in a long time,” Mark said. “How old are you Harmony?”

It took a moment for Harmony to realize that Mark had addressed him. “Oh, seventeen.”

“Seventeen!” Mark threw up his hands. “And so raw, to be able to play like that with such little experience, it’s... it’s... great God in heaven!” His eyes were alight with glee as if he had just met his first love.

“Th-thank you so much, I’m flattered,” Harmony said, bashfully kneading the floor with his feet. “It’s nice of you to say.”

“If you practice, and hone that gift of yours,” Mark leaned forward, “I think you have the makings of a musician. A real jazz musician.”

“You really think so?”

“In fact-” Mark stood up and disappeared into the bedroom. Harmony could hear him rummaging for something. After a few seconds, he returned holding a black case. He set it down on the floor next to the chair and opened the lid.

“What’s in there?” Harmony asked.

Mark smiled as he lifted out a gorgeous alto saxophone. The brass was polished to a splendid luster. Harmony was awestruck as he looked for his reflection in the surface. Mark stood up and raised the reed to his mouth. He played a scale up and down, and then a short melody, his fingers dancing on the keys with the grace of a master.

Harmony clapped as he finished. Mark took a bow, and then placed the saxophone into Harmony’s hands. “Play that,” he said.

“W-what? You want me to play this?” Harmony shivered as he felt the cool, smooth metal against his hands.

“You heard me. I know you were watching closely, now play it.”

Harmony looked down. Very carefully, he laid his fingers on the keys, just as he had seen Mark do. He depressed each one, then two at a time, feeling the different positions. There was no way to tell where to start, these were not numbered holes.

“What do you want me to play?” Harmony asked.

Mark lowered himself into his chair and leaned back. “Play whatever you feel.”

Harmony swallowed and placed his lips around the reed, the way Mark had. He blew into the mouthpiece, and the saxophone produced a clear, even note. He immediately looked over to Mark for a sign of approval.

“You’re one of the only people I’ve seen get that right on the first try,” he said.

Encouraged, Harmony blew again, the same note. He tried several different key positions, each one producing a different sound. It took only a moment for him to hear all the sounds Mark had played, and then his hands took over.

Slowly, Harmony began to play a melody. The music followed the lead of the keys, one after the other. He played the notes as they came to him, just like on the harmonica. But this was different as much as it was the same. Stronger, fuller, more romantic. This was what Mark was talking about. He could feel it. This was jazz.

Harmony relaxed his shoulders after the final note, letting the saxophone lie still in his lap. He shifted back and forth on the sofa as he waited for Mark to say something.

Mark was staring at him, his mouth hanging open, even his breath seemed to have slowed to a halt. Life returned to him suddenly as he raised a hand to his chin. “Wow… my god…” He sprang up from his chair. “You are amazing!”

“That was good?” Harmony asked.

“Well, your breath intervals are a little clumsy, and your fingerings need refining, but you are a natural!” Mark grabbed his shoulders and shook them. “Harmony, you were made for this!”

“I-I had never thought of myself in that way…” Harmony sighed.

Mark took the saxophone and carefully returned it to the case, leaving the lid open. He sat down on the sofa next to Harmony. “Well don’t start, you’re not there yet. What you need is training. You need a teacher to help forge you into a real musician.”

“Would you teach me Mark?” Harmony blinked as soon as he heard himself. Once more, his mouth had moved faster than his mind. “I-I-I mean, if you...”

Mark laughed and clapped his hands together. “I’ve never been a teacher, but MacArthur wasn’t always a general, right?” He nudged Harmony’s elbow. “You have an instrument?”

“Erm, no, I guess I don’t. Only the harmonica. D-do you know where I can get one?”

“Well, I suppose I’m your teacher now. And as a lover of music, it would be absolutely criminal of me to deny a promising young talent to the world…” Mark nodded to the open case on the floor. “I tell you what. I’ll sell you that one right there. One hundred.”

Harmony hastened to his feet. “Really? You would do that for me? Th-thank you! Thank you so much!” He shook Mark’s hand vigorously. “Is it okay if I give you the money later?”

Mark went over and lowered the lid of the black box, clicking the latches into place. “It’ll be here for you,” he said.

“Okay, thank you again! I promise I’ll be back soon!”

“I look forward to it, hah!” Mark smiled as they shook hands again.

Harmony almost tripped as he rushed out of the apartment. He kept running, only stopping to breathe when his feet his the sidewalk outside. He swung his head to both sides, looking for a payphone, which he saw a few yards away.

He walked over to it and picked up the receiver. He dropped a coin into the slot and hastily dialed a number. Two rings, a click, and the voice came through.

“Gallo Imports, what can I do for you?”

“Virgil, it’s Harmony. I have… there’s a… I need a job. A hundred dollars.”

“A hundred? I haven’t given you that much for a job yet, you’ve barely worked for any kind of time,” Virgil said. He was silent for a long moment before his voice drifted through the phone again. “You have a plan, don’t you?”

Harmony nodded, though he knew it would not be seen. “Yes. I do. And I need it.”

Virgil chuckled. “So you’re finally doing something with yourself then. Well, I think I might have something…”


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Sat Feb 07, 2015 8:08 pm
ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

I saw this and I just couldn't resist leaving a review, even though I'm rather behind my review requests (as usual). ^^

I too, thought that you had too much description in the beginning, but I saw your replies to the previous reviewers and I see why you did it that way. What honestly bugged me about describing everything in that way, is because there is no comparison to his previous life. Yes, I do remember in the beginning how you compared his bed to the cardboard that he used to sleep on, and that is great, but I felt that I was wanting more? I don't know. It seemed that as I went on, the description turned boring and rather flat, because you didn't continue comparing these settings to the settings of his past life. Also, they did seem a bit sudden to me, as well, (I did read the prologue, to make sure that I wouldn't mess anything up) and I'm thinking that perhaps you could describe the setting a bit slower? Like maybe he can move around the room? And while he moves around the room, he can look at things and examine them. Instead of him instantly answering the phone in the beginning of the chapter, the phone could be somewhere else than on the side of his bed, and he would have to get up to get it. And while he's up scrambling for the phone... you can get some description in like that? I just think you could find some other way of getting description in, without throwing a huge pile of info at us in the beginning. Make sense? If it doesn't, then I'd be happy to explain further.

Next, I would reaaally like to talk about your use of the ellipsis. Why are there soo many? Obviously, you are trying to show that the character is a little uncertain of themselves. And you did get that point across, but still, there are other ways to do it. You can always use dashes and the like to invoke the same effect. Instead of b..but you could do b-but. See? Instead of the ellipsis, you use a en-dash. Not only does it look more professional, but it also sounds much better when being read out loud. Make sense? My advice would be to cut down on the ellipsis a bit and try to incorporate other ways to show that your character is uncertain of his position. Which, of course, I can see you have done. Slightly, though. I would really suggest getting rid of a lot ellipsis, and maybe put the uncertainty of this character in his actual dialogue. It might make it more authentic. :D Eh?

One more small note on the ellipsis. After an ellipsis, you have a space. No matter what, you always have a space. For example here:

I have…there’s a…I need a job


Space before the ellipsis that's before there's. Space after the ellipsis that's after a. Like this.

I have… there’s a… I need a job


See? There are spaces there. If you don't have the space, then the two words that are being separated by the ellipsis, are technically joined as one. Make sense? :) Let me know if it doesn't.

I also just have one small suggestion when it comes to rating this properly. This is up to you (seeing as I'm not a moderator or anything, and am not an expert in this), but I think this work requires a small rating.

“You’re full of shit! He was the best in our training group,” Mark said to Harmony, “and he wasn’t too dumb either.”


Since you used a technically crude word here, I would suggest putting a 12+ rating on it with a language warning. I believe that is the rules. This article explains it. Hope it helps. :c

While reading through, I did notice some grammatical errors. Mainly commas that need to be added. For example:

Good morning, Bruce.”



“Well, you must be the bigger fool


These are just two examples that I grabbed quickly. There are several other cases, but with a quick run through, they shouldn't be hard to see.

To be honest, at the first run through, you don't actually see that much to fix. These are all little things, that are important to the overall effect.

Seriously, what I most loved about this was the idea that somebody could just play an instrument after watching somebody do it. Absolutely brilliant. Not only is that brilliant, but also the idea of having their name Harmony. That is just awesome. From what I can see, Harmony is the overall MC but I would like to see just a bit more of his thought process. I can tell that everything is from his perspective of course, but what is he feeling? Confused? Yes, most likely. But make it clear to us; this is somewhat hazy when looking at it. ^^ Let me know.

I hope this all made sense, and let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing!

~Cricket






Thank you for taking the time to visit this piece here, I'm glad if it brought you some enjoyment!

I've taken several classes on writing, and I've been work-shopping with friends and acquaintances for years, and appropriate amounts of description is always one of the toughest subjects. If there's too much, it's unwieldy to read (and write), and too little leaves you confused as to what's going on. What I eventually settled on was a very character-centric style of writing, where everything is heavily set in the character's active perspective. You see what they're looking at and mentally processing, and the like. Some people don't like it, but I often get my best results with it, and that's mostly what I was going for here (a real person wouldn't necessarily be looking at and consciously processing every single item in a room, at least I don't haha), but I can go back and try to refine it.

I swear, every ellipsis I used was chosen and placed very judiciously, even if it doesn't seem like it, haha. But I understand where you're coming from. I write dialogue based on real-world speech patterns, and real people trail and pause a lot when they're uncomfortable and lack confidence (which I'm sure Harmony comes across as, haha). It's also why I misspell words and use improper grammar at certain times, because I write it how it's said (but I will go through and fix the space and comma and such bits, haha). That was my objective. I'll take another look and see what makes sense to keep and what to change.

I try not to do too much stream-of-consciousness and internal thought processes too, because you often end up in long, heavy blocks of text, haha. I'm usually going for getting across the thoughts and feelings through the actions (not so much the words, most people don't verbalize exactly what they're feeling, or at least I don't, haha). But you're right, if his thoughts aren't as clear, there can be some work done there.

Once again, that you for your time, and feel free to come back when the next installment is up! Have a lovely local time! haha

- SOCKS



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Wed Feb 04, 2015 7:38 pm
GrinningMan wrote a review...



Firstly, I must say I like this. Secondly, very well executed telling.

I do have a couple nitpicks. The first one would be the lack of description on the characters part, more to the start of the chapter. I found later they got some explaining but the faces and the ages escape me, and it was hard to try and find a voice to the characters' talking.

Secondly, the interactions between characters has an odd impact on me, probably due to the fact I have no idea how to imagine their faces so expressions seem jumbled in a way. Now, I've had experiences with trying to give expressions to characters and it's hard, especially when there's dialogue and you want to give detail to the interactions without breaking the effect in the talking.

Not that any of it is horrible, nor is it spectacularly great, but I happened to like this chapter and I look forward to reading more. Also, if I come off as hating this, don't be afraid, I actually love it. Words are not my forte, if you will...






I know what you mean, and it's mostly intentional that I don't give a lot of explicit detail on faces and expressions and such. I like to leave room for the reader to fill it in with their imagination, because that's how I like to read, but it's not totally for everyone, haha. I can try adding in some more details going forward, but thanks for the input! Did you read the installment I had before this? It's pretty essential to understanding the situation of this chapter. Go and take a look if you haven't. And again, thanks so much!



GrinningMan says...


No I didn't! I am ashamed to call myself a reviewer.

Granted I didn't know, but I shall one of these days.



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Wed Feb 04, 2015 3:45 am
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey fellow sock! :-D Sorry I took so long!

There's something so intriguing about someone that can pick up an instrument for the first time, and know exactly how to play it. I love it. So Harmony is a natural musician. ;) Now this is going to sound like a dumb question, but; did you plan for him to have such an appropriate name? You probably did, but I'm just curious because sometimes things just happen! Something like that happened rather accidently with one of my characters!

“Good morning Harmony! How’s the apartment, you find everything okay?”


As a rule, nobody's allowed to take grammar advice from me- but I think that that comma might better be a question mark. I'm not sure, it just seemed like it might flow better if you separate the sentence like that... but I don't know, and like I said; never take grammar advice that comes from me too seriously.

“Gallo Imports has a list of important regular clients, and Virgil likes to show his appreciation for their loyalty by having his personal assistant administer their sales. It’s good for business.”


This raises a lot of red flags for me. I'm starting to think that Virgil is using him to sell some sort of illegal imports or something, because they've given so much to him, and seem to be 'trusting' him too easily. It seems a little odd to me that after two days Harmony is so trusted by Virgil. So I'm not sure if this is something you're meaning to do, but if you're not then I'd say it seems a bit soon for Harmony to be Virgil's special assistant, you know?

“We’re here to see Mark, on the third floor,” he said to the attendant.


This is just a small nit pick, but I don't think the 'on the third floor' is really needed, because I don't think the attendant would need to know that Bruce knows where it is, especially since it seems like she's used to Bruce coming. Just my thoughts. :-P

“Mark is a musician,” said Bruce, “and he loves sharing his passion...


I think this might sound better coming from Mark himself. When Bruce says it, it almost has an info-dump feel about it. Though if Mark were to say something like: I love music, is all. I'm a musician myself. etc. I just think it might sound a bit smoother.

I love this though. I just love the musical direction that this seems to be going, and that excites me! I'm also growing to love Harmony's character! He's so quiet and- I can't think of the word. >.< But dare I say he's adorable! :-P

I'll be looking forward to reading more! Keep it up my friend!!!

-Holly






Thanks Holly! As always, very much appreciate the kind words. There is a rhyme and reason to what Bruce and Virgil are doing, haha, and it will all become clear soon, but yes it is suspicious ;) I'll take another look at the grammar bits as well. Again, thanks so much, and I hope you'll be back for chapter 2!



Holysocks says...


You're welcome! Yes, do let me know when you post the next chapter! :-D



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Mon Jan 19, 2015 4:17 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there! I've returned for chapter 1!

First off, I'm not sure labeling the previous part as a "prologue" was correct. If you had skipped a year or so between the two parts, then that would have been appropriate, but since the prologue is day one, with Harmony, and this chapter is essentially day two (and still with Harmony), they should have just been chapters one and two.

Second: like the last chapter, your setting descriptions have little presence. I believe BlueAfrica covered this topic in the newsletter recently, but we don't need to know the placement of furniture unless it affects the character right then. (Or it's a mystery novel, and the floor-plan is relevant to a crime scene.) More important is the atmosphere. I know I already covered this, but I also don't think I explained it well last time.

That's really your biggest (and possibly only) shortcoming. If there are any more, they're well covered, or I just haven't learned about them. You might be interested to know that this style reminds me of Agatha Christie's. Her characters are a little more "polite" with each other, but her way of describing action is much the same.

As for plot, I find it amusing that Harmony ends up learning to play another instrument. And while I'm not a fan of saxophones (okay, maybe not ALL saxophones, but the people at my school? Yes.) I think it's appropriate that Harmony moved from harmonica (which happens to be a reed instrument as well) to saxophone. I'm very interested to see how far his musical and work life end up mixing, and whether or not this will affect Virgil and Bruce later on.

Last comment: There are no named female characters as of yet. I get it; the time period and nature of the story lead away from the ladies. I just hope there is one later who is as deep and well thought-out as all of your other characters so far.

I think that's it from me! Excellent job, and if you don't mind, could you inform me when you post to this story again? It's fascinating. (Just tag me or leave a message on my wall, please.)

Keep it up!
-Buggie






Thank you for your kind words Buggie! I'm glad you're enjoying the story thus far. I realize the length is somewhat unwieldy for the first installment especially, but it just didn't feel right to split it into two. They'd both be much shorter, and events that are otherwise very closely related would feel disjointed, so I left it as one. But I thank you for braving through to the end, haha. That first one will probably be the longest single chapter.

I never thought much about my setting descriptions. I'm very internally focused on characters as you can probably tell, so they get most of my attention. Are there more concrete suggestions you might have for how to improve setting descriptions? Either material-wise, or just how to write about them? Whatever you're thinking could be helpful, haha.

I should have the next part up in not too long. I do hope you will continue to follow the story! Thank you again, and happy writing!
- SOCKS



Ventomology says...


Um, for setting, I would pick more words with strong emotional connotation. In the house, the wall color's effect on mood (white walls tend to make a room feel brighter, for instance), whether or not the house is dusty, and how close together the furniture is, give the setting its own personality, and in some cases, can be used for foreshadowing.

I hope this helps! I'll definitely be back when chapter 2 is up, and thanks for following up.
-Buggie



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Thu Jan 15, 2015 2:59 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Hi,pretzelsing here for a review

I like this story,although I was totally reading it out of context so I am just warning you about that.
I generally thought that your story was fine and here are some nitpicks and errors that I want to point out to you.
In the first paragraph I think that you overly described Harmony enjoying the luxuries that were offered to him, I honestly think that you could cut out most of that and just leave it with that he enjoyed the luxury.
Another thing, in this quote:

The bed felt soft against his back, so much more comfortable than a sheet of old cardboard.


I was confused, were you talking about his past life. If so expand, tell us, the readers or reviewers what conditions he lived in before. Really your first sentence is incorrect because we don't know haw he lived before. You should make a prologue or at least compare by
showing us a before and after situation. What were his living conditions before? Where did he work? Did he go to school?

I find this sentence very unrealistic:

It was the first time Harmony had ever worn a suit before, and he was surprised to find that the fit was good. Not quite tailored, but very comfortable.


I almost don't believe that some man, Harmony, who had never worn a suit before feels comfortable. I don't think that realistically happens. I would think that it would feel uncomfortable. Also, another point, why did you write that is was the good size? That just doesn't really happen often.

You also overused the three dots... or eclipse. You have to totally use it properly.Please fix that for the reader's and your own sake.

I really like this sentence:
Mark grabbed his shoulders and shook them. “Harmony, you were made for this!”

The only thing that bothered me was why was Mark shaking him. Isn't that hurting someone if you shake them. That is not teacher-like of kind. I like how you truly showed that Mark was enthusiastic about being Harmony's teacher when he talked to him in this quote.
I’ve never been a teacher, but MacArthur wasn’t always a general, right?


Now you are in luck I understand that sentence because I am a student of history, but honestly, let's be considerate. Not everyone knows who MacArthur is, or they are not even interested. I would love if you added a foot note like professional authors do about who is MacArthur in history.

I like your last sentence,the stage is set ready for action and sdventure.Also, I know that a lot of writers do this, but in your genre spot, you put historical fiction and so far, I only see realistic fiction. I hope that you have your plotline set and that you know what you are doing next. Also when you rate your story 16+ for language you take all that precaution. This work could scare some reviewers off. I am personalty below 16 and I didn't see any inappropriate language here. Don't do or rate your stories if not absolutely necessary.

Anyways, I hope that this review helps and I hope that you keep on writing!

-pretzelsing






Thank you for your review, I do appreciate it! There is an installment that precedes this one, and it is somewhat important to understanding the situation described in this one, haha. I don't know if you got to read it, but you should go and take a look.

I described the conditions of the room in such detail at the beginning because it is a huge deal for Harmony (once again, makes more sense if you read the previous installment, the actual first one, haha). It's supposed to hint at how he lived before. Waking up cold, sleeping on cardboard, you know, being homeless! That's the idea behind that.

I guess when I used the word 'comfortable' for the suit I was thinking more about describing the physical sensation of the fabric as opposed to the psychological aspect of wearing a suit for the first time. In my mind I saw them as separate and distinct things. And when he felt physically comfortable, it was easier to feel psychologically comfortable. Maybe I could communicate that batter, but I'll take another look at it.

I use Aposiopesis a lot, which is the use of an ellipsis to indicate trailing off into silence. Because Harmony's voice trails a lot, when he's uncomfortable, unsure of himself, the like. I've seen it used in a lot of books I read, and I like it, so I incorporate it here. But it's not for everyone I suppose.

I guess I rated it 16 because I used the word 'shit.' I guess standards are different these days, haha, but it was mostly to cover bases. They rate YouTube videos for language, but I'll take it off if it's really not necessary.

Again, thanks for your kind words!




hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight