The Pizza Guy

Hello there Gummy!
It's MergSword here with a review!

I really liked this cute little poem! It definitely brought a small grin on my face. I mean a poem about pizza! Love it.

The wait is far from bearable tonight.

I don't think we can wait a second more
My belly's putting up a vicious fight,
And no one has shown up to our front door.

When it comes to pizza, we all feel like this. Those minutes and minutes feel like hours. It's like the seconds are.....longer. Although I do have to say what basically ChocolateCello did. Those two lines have to be in the same stanza.

Again, what ChoclateCello said, dominos guy should be pizza guy.

And the prob'ly, I don't think probably and prob'ly are too different, the change wasn't exactly necessary.

After you reread the poem, the last stanza just seems kinda off. It doesn't really seem similar to the other ones, I'm just thinking make it a bit longer.

You seem to have got full out rage on this poem, and although I like that anger feeling, you aren't very descriptive.

Keep Writing!
~MergSword

This is such a funny poem! I really like it, because it is an easy and lighthearted read. And, of course, everyone likes pizza so it appeals to most all people! Congrats on a great poem.

This is the funniest poem I have ever read in my life and explains alot about a person's life (because no one hates pizza)

I like the sentence "you're slower than my grandma's minivan!"

I also like, "My belly is putting up a vicious fight!"

Same with " Ding, dong, the doorbell echoes like angels from the sky!"

I got inspired by this story! You should keep writing poems, ( Make it funny each time!) And keep writing with your great mind! You're awesome!

Mr Muddy Pig says hi, Mr Muddy pig says a review and Mr Muddy Pig say bye!

Hey there, Gummy!

IronSpark here for a quick NaNoRevMo review. First, a quick note on formatting. Your first line is strangely separated from the others, which I think was probably a processing error. But other than that, your formatting is consistent with the standard sonnet pattern, and it's very constant.

Now, onto content. I'm not going to talk about all the mechanics of the piece because I think ChocolateCello's already covered that well. But I /do/ want to talk about the content.

This is a nice piece that I (and many others) can relate to. But, to widen that audience, I'd replace "domino's" with a more generic term for pizza. Maybe it requires reworking some of your stanzas, but it will be worth it. Right now, it sounds a bit like an advertisement, what with all of the specific titles.

One thing I'd love to see is more buildup to the final stanza. The first stanza felt like it was leading to something, but the others (for me) felt strangely disjointed and, at times, almost /flat/. You know what I mean? You've laid the groundwork for a great poem, but there's no journey. Just a foundation. You want to keep your readers engaged the whole way, and I just didn't feel like that was happening for me.

I'd also like to hear more exaggerations. More hyperboles. More /emotion/. Really be satirical and emphasize how upset and hungry you are. Draw us in by making the mundane intense. Once again, I don't feel like aspects of your poem are doing that. They just sound like you're filling up syllables.

That being said, I do think you communicate your message well and in a way that a lot of us can relate to. This is one of the most pressing problems of our generation, and we need a way to fix it! :p

As we say in my hometown, don't forget to be awesome.

IronSpark

Hey! ChocolateCello here!

I really liked this poem, it was very cute and it made me laugh.

I'm going to go section by section.

The wait is far from bearable tonight.

I don't think we can wait a second more
My belly's putting up a vicious fight,
And no one has shown up to our front door.

Fifteen to thirty minutes, so they say,
But time is relative, Domino's guy.
For you, you're prob'ly getting extra pay,
You're waiting for these kids to almost die!

Who cares if you've a sticker on your car
Why don't you cut in front of that sedan!?
It's not like Domino's is all that far,
You're slower than my grandma's minivan!

This poem, as the others said, was all in good fun and it made me crave pizza. I was just scrolling to see what was out there to read and I came across this one. The overall language is fun, and there are some grammar issues here and there, but nothing too serious. The time it takes for people to deliver pizza is a real issue. Maybe you should make this a national issue, I'd stand by it! xD. Haha, but besides that, nice job. Not all writing needs to be serious to be good or fun to read, which you showed here quite well. Bring the fun into poetry, keep it up! c:

I appreciated this because I'm hungry and love pizza. I feel like you're missing the most fun part of Dominoe's (besides the pizza) - the tracking app! Haha, what's more fun than knowing what stage your pizza is at at all times and creeping out your delivery man by knowing his name?

Anyway. Besides that. I liked this poem and feel like it's all in good fun, so I won't be too serious either. I like the way you start, with a stand-alone line. I feel like the third line that rhymes with it is out of place/unnecessary, however. You would have more of an impact with just the one line.

Instead of adding a fourth line to the second stanza, I would just remove "My belly's putting up a vicious fight." Alternatively, you COULD add a fourth line to the second stanza, but then I would modify that line so it doesn't rhyme with "tonight." The idea is good but the way it reads is very disjointed. Don't feel too pressured to make everything rhyme - the first line, in particularly, can do whatever it wants, really.

Anyhow, this is a cute and fun poem, I liked it! And I really want pizza now...

Yes. Yes. Yes. I agree with this one hundred percent. XD Delivery people seem to take so long to get anywhere, though I know it's not their fault. But it is still extremely annoying. Everything is pretty well okay, I only have one problem with your poem. At the beginning, I set myself up with a nice rythym which suited the 3 line stanza, but then suddenly there were four lines! I was thrown way out a wack. I suggest adding an extra line to that first chunk. Otherwise, your language and grammar was good, your starting line was especially appealing and now I'm really hungry for some pizza.