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Young Writers Society



Unraveling the Past: Chapter 2

by GreenTulip


Chapter 2:

Holding Isaiah closer to me, I moved closer to the road, hoping to see someone. Nothing around me was familiar which terrified me. I was still young and Isaiah was just a toddler. Nothing moved besides when a breeze came. I didn’t know how much time passed by, when I finally heard something.

Looking down the road, I saw a figure on the distance. As it drew closer I saw that it was two men on horseback. Confused, I walked out further. The two men called their horses to a stop, pulling on the reins, and looked down at me. I swallowed back the feeling of fear as I saw the large black and brown horses in front of me. Both of their faces held the look of surprise.

The man on the black horse was the first to say something. “Who are you young lady?”

“Ca... Catherine sir,” I stuttered.

He replied, “Well Catherine, what are you doing on the side of the road?”

“I’m not sure how I got here...”

The other man scoffed. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t explain it, sir,” I answered. “I was at home and the next thing I knew I was here.”

The man on the black horse said, “Brother, don’t be so rude.”

“Well Jonathan, we know all of the families here, and she doesn’t belong to any of them.”

Jonathan shook his head, “Well, maybe she is a visitor to one of them?”

“I can not say for sure,” he replied.

As Isaiah stirred in my arms, I asked, “Excuse me, but where am I?”

“Puissance,” Jonathan replied.

“That isn’t a real place,” I argued. “It is not listed on any map that I know of.”

“Alexander, how could this be?” Jonathan asked. “I knew for sure we are listed on maps, for we have visitors from other countries.”

“I know not, Jonathan.”

Sighing heavily, I asked, “What is the year if I may ask, sirs?”

“1864,” Alexander replied. “Why is that you ask?”

“It was just 2016!” I exclaimed, narrowing my eyes at the memory of Rachel.

“Ma’am, I do believe that you are quite mistaken then,” Alexander said. “But what is your family name?”

Glancing down at my son, who was still sleeping peacefully, I answered, “Hunter-Smith. I was adopted as a young child.”

The look that went between the two men confused me. Hurt and confusion was burning within their eyes.

Jonathan looked down at me and said, “I would like you to come to my home. We have quite a few children that are your age.”

“No offense,” I stated, “But why should I go with you? I do not know you sir.”

“It is safer at my home than it will be out here,” Jonathan answered. His hands wrung together like he was nervous. “Come, we have stayed here long enough. We have many dangerous people killing in these parts.”

“I’d take my chances, thank you very much,” I replied sarcastically.

“Young lady,” Alexander exclaimed. “You may want to risk it, but what about the boy?”

Tearing my gaze from their eyes, I realized that they were right. I wouldn’t nor couldn’t take the chance of Isaiah getting hurt or getting sick.

“Fine, I shall come with you,” I answered, still looking at his sleeping form.

“Can we help you up onto one of our horses then?” Jonathan asked.

Nodding, they took me by the upper arm and supported me as they helped me into a saddle. Alexander swung up behind me in the saddle and grabbed the reins, his arms protectively circling around me. They began the slow ride in the direction I assumed that their home was in.

After what seemed like forever, a house finally appeared in the distance. Alexander said softly, “Catherine, welcome to our home.”


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Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:00 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So this is really interesting - when I started reading this chapter, I didn't realize it was going to be a time-travel thing! Time travel's awesome, although I can't think about it too hard or all the circular questions make my head hurt.

ANYWAY. I have a couple suggestions for you today.

The first and most important is to describe Catherine's surroundings. Right now all we get is this.

Holding Isaiah closer to me, I moved closer to the road, hoping to see someone. Nothing around me was familiar which terrified me. I was still young and Isaiah was just a toddler. Nothing moved besides when a breeze came. I didn’t know how much time passed by, when I finally heard something.


Catherine tells us that "nothing around me was familiar," but that could mean anything! If she comes from 2016, unfamiliar surroundings could be dinosaurs, cavemen, ancient Greeks, the Dark Ages, Victorian times, or futuristic alien worlds! All we know is that there's a road. Is it a dirt road? Some sort of pavement? What about the sides of the road - are there houses, gardens, farmland? Animals? What sorts of plants? What kind of landscape? Can she see anything resembling a city in the distance? What does she hear? What does she smell? I mention those last two because something as simple as the absence of car exhaust could really strike her, depending on where she's from. Like when I go to Mackinac Island and there's just lilacs, horse manure, and fudge, no car smells at all, and then when I return to the mainland it really stinks.

On that note, what clothing is Catherine wearing? I'd assume men from 1864 would comment on her odd dress - even if she's wearing a dress/skirt instead of pants, it's bound to be drastically different than what these men are used to, as would any makeup she might wearing (if she wears noticeable amounts of it), her hairstyle, and her shoes - not to mention Isaiah's clothing.

Finally, this.

As Isaiah stirred in my arms, I asked, “Excuse me, but where am I?”

“Puissance,” Jonathan replied.

“That isn’t a real place,” I argued. “It is not listed on any map that I know of.”

“Alexander, how could this be?” Jonathan asked. “I knew for sure we are listed on maps, for we have visitors from other countries.”

“I know not, Jonathan.”

Sighing heavily, I asked, “What is the year if I may ask, sirs?”

“1864,” Alexander replied. “Why is that you ask?”

“It was just 2016!” I exclaimed, narrowing my eyes at the memory of Rachel.

“Ma’am, I do believe that you are quite mistaken then,” Alexander said. “But what is your family name?”


Never having seen the name of a town on a map is a silly reason to assume it doesn't exist - unless Puissance is a country, in which case you should clarify that. I assumed the men answered her question about where she was with the name of their town, because that would make the most sense. And of course not every town is on every map you might have seen!

So if Puissance is a country, having a line like "the country of" would help clear that up. Alternatively, when the men say Puissance, Catherine can think, "That doesn't help, I don't know where that is" and then ask what state/country.

Also, it was a little strange to me that a) she would just come right and say, "It's not 1864, it's 2016!" when nothing's familiar and these guys rode up on horseback, which seems a lot more like 1864 than the 21st century, and b) that the men wouldn't really react to her saying that. I mean, they'd think she's crazy or at least a little dehydrated or something, right? How would YOU react if someone said they were from 152 years in the future?

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Mon Jun 26, 2017 12:33 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hi again,

Nit-picks and nice moments:

I didn’t know how much time had passed by, when I finally heard something.

Also you don't need that comma.

As it drew closer I saw that it was two men on horseback. Confused, I walked out further.

Given that she's terrified, I think it would make more sense if she hung back and waited to see what was going on.

“Who are you, young lady?”


“Ca... Catherine sir,” I stuttered.

See, I knew she was scared :P Much better!

“Ca... Catherine sir,” I stuttered.

It seems unlikely she'd know every single place in the entire world. It could be a little village. Also, you need to explain how she got from being scared to being confident.

Overall:

Character: Catherine seems to go from being scared one moment to confident and sassy the next. This could be her attempting to compensate for her fear (which I think would be quite fun to read), but you need to show this, because otherwise she justs seems inconsistent. I also need some description of Jonathan and Alexander's faces. I need to hear what tone they're talking in, because right now I don't have the clearest understanding of their characters.

Setting: A lot more would be useful. She's just ended up in a completely new place and actually, because of the rainbows, I was picturing this as a sort of candyland (I read a story like that recently which is probably how that happened). When I realised it was 1864 I started thinking of it as much greyer but I still can't picture it that clearly.

Plot: This is a pretty interesting plot with a lot of questions. I think it moves slightly too fast, in that each party is too trusting of the other to begin with. I think it just doesn't quite feel natural, a bit too easy, if you know what I mean. It's perfectly understandable the conclusion each character comes to, but I think it needs to take longer to get there.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)





The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of, not the circumstances.
— Unknown