The Wild Nest
There once lived a man
under a rock;
He climbed right out proud
with a brown hat!
'Twas a grand stetson,
From the days of the old
A brown little thing
That shone shiny gold.
With boots of pure leather
He walked to a farm
in deep southern accent, he said,
"Howdy, old man, give me some chicken.
Along with that,
I'll take some nice rabbit stew
Serve me or die
To this Colt in my suit."
"The cock I can't give,"
He said, face pale with fear,
"Forgive me sire,
this
talk you must hear.
The chicken I can't give,
Her egg turns all gold.
She was born of Midas
His hunger to be bore."
"I will have no more!
Blood you shall taste
The chicken can die
If that's all it takes"
The farmer continued,
His death he foretold
To a man of his likes
And a gun just as bold.
The man left in angst
His death he feared.
More than all else,
His trigger he deared.
Soon came a time
When a man rode just by
A hat just as gold,
but a Colt much more shy.
A horse our man lacked,
So flee he could not
And as loose time passed,
They readied for a showdown.
Our man readied the gun;
He stood next to a bar,
His rival opposite stood not too far.
And as the guns fired
The man was first hit,
The other stood unharmed
-
Golden chicks at his side.
And as life slid out
of the man he did eye,
a gold and white couple
Their heads bobbed anigh.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Heyyyy Grav!
My first impression: Fried chickens. Yum.
It's a nice little narrative. There's an interesting plot and an interesting way of putting it... And in light of the feathery plague I must congratulate you on your originality.
But I'll get right to it. If I come off as too critical, I'm sorry!
There's some punctuation missing here. If its read as a sentence, it would go, " With boots of pure leather he walked to a farm in deep southern accent, he said."
Since "deep southern accent" isn't a place, I'd suggest placing a comma or fullstop at the end of the second line.
Note that this is a recurring occurrence;almost every stanza is like this, which makes it harder for your readers to distinguish between lines.
Who's the detached " he" here? See, I know it's the farmer; but ideally that thought process should have been unnecessary. Just the right word in the right place can make it clear who you're talking about.
If she was born "of" Midas, doesn't that mean she's his child?
You missed a "with" here.
Also, the colt being shy doesn't affect the telling whatsoever. It's only there to rhyme, and seeing as how you haven't followed a rhyme scheme anyway, it's completely unnecessary.
The ending was quite amusing, so you get points.
Well, that's it! I hope you found my review useful. Please disregard everything meaningless to you.
Keep writing!
- Lee
Thanks for the review!! Also, I did mean to say that the chicken in Midas's child!
I'm not imagining thatHello there, @Gravitem! It's Squire Vilnius, here to review your work.
My first impression is that I can't believe I just read a Western Chicken poem that I wish had been out when I started doing the checklist challenge XD
Something I think you need to improve on is the rhyming in the first, third, sixth, eleventh, and thirteenth stanzas. All of the others have a pair of rhyming lines, and I think that if you kept this consistency throughout your poem, it would really improve it on the whole.
I really liked how you simultaneously wrote a Western and a chicken poem. It made me laugh, and I think you did a great job at combining the two #RevMo themes.
Overall, I think you've got a really great poem here!
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
hey Myth! Momo here with a review!
One thing i noticed was most of the stanzas didn't rhyme, but a few did. That kinda messes up the poem, as the rhytmn is messed up. At first, I thought it was one stanza rhymes, one stanza doesn't, one stanza rhymes, etc, etc. But the fact that I was expecting that meant that when it wasn't that, I got confused and had to read it again. Now let's move on to word mistakes
The last line is too long. I would suggest writing it like this: in deep southern accent he said/ "Old man, give me some chicken. Just a suggestion, you can write it however you want.
Use a different word then angst. I assign the word angst with teenagers, if you know what i mean.
Use the word opponent instead of opposite. And this is the only stanza in the whole poem with three lines. I would suggest writing it like this: Our man readied the gun; he stood next to a bar. His rival opponent/ stood not so far.
The dash is not needed, so put a comma after unharmed.
Other then that, it's a really good poem! I haven't seen enough of your poetry running around on YWS, but that might be because I'm blind
Keep writing, and have a happy RevMo!
Momo