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Good ole' broccoli

by Gravitem


I once tasted a good ole' broccoli,
it tasted speck-tacular
like a miniature tree.

Well, I haven't really
ever tasted a tree
Just a good ole' brocolli.

Deep-fried in oil,
recreating a forest fire,
God, my head is like 'monopoly'.

I wish it was, really though,
like the game, a business
that would help me make a name.

Become a rock and rap star,
own a crane, so I can
Demolish everyone's pride and fame.

Then I'd think, "how'd
All this come to be?"
'Twas all a good ole' broccoli.


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Fri Sep 04, 2020 11:31 am
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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to review my very first official poem. Umm....don't be too mad if I leave a horrible review...it has been a while since I did anything to a poem.

First Impression: So on first glance this has a pretty cool rhyme to it that I can see (this means it is very easy to see) and I think its just a nice and very straightforward thing. Also my brain is not overheating from trying to decipher it so that's also a plus for me.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I once tasted a good ole' broccoli,
it tasted speck-tacular
like a miniature tree.

Well, I haven't really
ever tasted a tree
Just a good ole' brocolli.

Deep-fried in oil,
recreating a forest fire,
God, my head is like 'monopoly'.

I wish it was, really though,
like the game, a business
that would help me make a name.

Become a rock and rap star,
own a crane, so I can
Demolish everyone's pride and fame.

Then I'd think, "how'd
All this come to be?"
'Twas all a good ole' broccoli.


Right so first of all that looks like you've got some unnecessary capitals I think. (Correct me if I'm wrong and probably refer to this thing I found for some proper knowledge on it)

And that's all I can see as something that's a little off. Other than that the punctuation seems okay and autocorrect tells me that except for that one highlighted word everything else is spelled correctly which I think is a good thing.

Umm the message is again pretty clear and neat. Broccoli tastes nothing like a tree...I have eaten both...don't ask And also just a little random almost. There definitely doesn't seem to be anything particularly deep about it but that just makes me like so good for you.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Umm...not sure what to say here besides umm...for my first poem in like literally three years it was pretty nice. Great Job!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Gravitem says...


I'm in the same part of the world as you, so all that thinking isn't necessary. Thanks for the review by the way. Great review. :D



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!!

:D



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Mon May 25, 2020 8:25 pm
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Beautifulsparkle wrote a review...



Hello, Gravitem.
I really like this poem. I think the part where you said it tasted like a miniature tree, even though you've never tasted one was really funny. And that part when you compared cooking broccoli with starting a forest fire seemed very nice to me. I actually imagined the embers. And when you said about becoming a rock star i started smiling because it felt i don't know endearing and refreshing, especially since it was for such a cool reason as demolishing everyone's pride. Even though i think stardom can make one a little proud too, but not everyone. I loved how you ended the poem too.




Gravitem says...


Thanks sparkle! I love that you enjoyed the poem!



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Fri May 22, 2020 12:46 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hey you! I'm here to review this lovely myth poem!

I love how random and wonderfully unique the subject of this poem is. I've never heard of broccoli being the reason that someone became a rapper. So 10/10 on originality! Honestly, I don't have much to critique about the poem itself. It's short and concise, and a really enjoyable read.

That being said, I do have a few very small nitpicks.

it tasted speck-tacular

I'm honestly not quite sure why you chose to divide "spectacular" into two parts? It might be for emphasis or to add to the playful manner of the poem, I'm not sure - but at any rate, I would at least suggest removing the "k", since that isn't actually in the spelling of "spectacular".

Just a good ole' brocolli.

"Brocolli" should be spelled "broccoli", I believe?

There are also a few instances where capitalization is inconsistent. I believe that in this poem you're just capitalizing the beginnings of sentences? If that's the case, I've bolded some words that shouldn't be capitalized.

Just a good ole' brocolli.


God, my head is like 'monopoly'.


Demolish everyone's pride and fame.


All this come to be?"


There's also one stanza that seems a bit stop-and-start with the flow -
I wish it was, really though,
like the game, a business
that would help me make a name.

All the commas break it up and make it a bit harder to read. I would recommend rewording it so you can cut back on commas, but that's up to you.

Other than that, I really enjoy the imagery you sprinkle throughout the poem, especially the lines "recreating a forest fire" and "own a crane, so I can / demolish everyone's pride and fame".

And have I mentioned that I love how randomly wonderful this poem is?

Anyway, that's it for my review, I hope it was helpful! If you've got any questions about it just ask!

Keep writing Mythy!

Loonz




Gravitem says...


I love the review!! The verse that was out of flow, was, me trying to borrow something I noticed in a Robert Southey poem. There were these lines at the end of each verse that would be completely out of rhythm and flow. But, it wasn't well done, so I guess I'll work on that. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)))))



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Thu May 21, 2020 9:44 pm
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quitecontrary wrote a review...



Hi there! I’m just going to give you a short review, because this is already a great piece. I love your subject, and I feel like broccoli is one of the most underrated vegetables of all time. Your fourth and fifth stanzas are a little out of place in this poem, mostly because they interrupt the rhyme scene and rhythm you had set up. For the most part, I’m okay with little inconsistencies when it comes to rhyme, but since you stuck with broccoli in the beginning and end, I would suggest continuing that rhyme throughout the poem. The rhythm also changes: your poem plays a little bit with iambic pentameter, which is really prominent in the phrase “good ole’ broccoli” and the last stanza. The word “recreating” in line eight and the fourth and fifth stanzas don’t employ the same rhythm as the rest of the poem. This interrupts the flow, and makes the subject and words themselves seem out of place. Okay, that ended up being a little longer than I thought, but hopefully you’ll get something out of my review!




Gravitem says...


Yeah, so I kinda borrowed a little bit from Robert Southey here. In his poems, there'd be these small "de-trails" from the original rhyme and rhythm.




Pigeon poop is the best way to solve problems.
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