In Time
I never wanted this,
my soul to be re-chained,
for when you are all but broken,
the chains will cause the pain.
I never knew another,
than the blackness and the rain
My heart cries out for a brother,
but it is all in vain.
If I could find a way,
to leap and seize the day
Then I would believe in life
for life is a length of time.
If I slept beneath the stars
A million lights up in the sky
And I would see so high
And I would fly so far.
But I never had a chance
For life is a precious dance
And all of us are set in stone
It’s just a price we must atone.
But mine was a higher price
And I danced into the night
And when I showed no fright
they stuck their chains on me.
I know I will collide
I’ve nothing left to hide
And I will soon be free
It’s coming back to me.
I have a thousand days
Until I know my ways
I know I’m out of time
I’m walking on a line.
I will not flinch or writhe,
Beneath the moonlight’s scythe.
My time will soon begin,
But first it all must end.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
It's magical and the message delivered is quite clear as it is powerful. I can relate, being chained by society, huh?
Vivid scenes on how you relate to being free. Under a sky of a million stars. The dark rain. The chains. Those places you brought me to, they expressed a sort of freedom, the relief of no bearings, that feeling delivered by this poem is wonderful.
However it feels like you're forcing some rhymes out. Rhymes are not most important in poetry, that's for sure. Just throw and explode all your feelings and fumbles out in one go, don't care whether its beautiful, just say everything. Only then focus on making it magical.
I really like how you described the moon, though. A scythe. It makes me think, and at this point 'moonlight' just spoils it. It's one step in the right direction, this is a very potent way of description in a poem. It's nice if 'moon' is described as something like 'the solemn glowing scythe' or 'green room' is described as 'a room of grass'.
Could do better, keep striving, and you'll see how your poems will develop into magic that delivers emotions straight to reader's hearts and verses that make them ponder upon every word.
Thanks, for the review! I think everyone has pointed out the rhymes, so enough said about that. I'll keep everyone's input on that for my next poem. About the moonlight scythe thing, it was kind of a rhythm thing, but it may not have come out as well after the text editor butchered my stanzas. Thank you for all of you input!
Hey-oh, it's summerinthecity
Just so you're aware, your poem is the first thing I'm reviewing and I have absolutely no idea how this website works.
I liked the concept of your poem and overall it's really good. Your ideas are clear, as well as relatable. My first piece of advice to you would be elaborate. Many of the specifics you use are short. Therefore, they end up seeming disconnected to the rest of the poem and less sincere than I think they're intended to be. For example, tell me more about the chains. What do they represent? What's creating them? Maybe extend the idea of re-chained. What do you mean by this? Were you in chains before? How did they come undone? How did you become chained up again? Furthermore, I really like the idea of your heart crying out for a brother. It'd be cool if you went in depth on this as well. I feel like I can see where you're trying to go with that metaphor, but you just didn't quite make it there. Those are just a few examples, but you have a couple more half reached ideas and I'd like to see where they're going.
Moving on, some of your rhyming is really forced. Which makes to poem seem a bit artificial. My advice would be to focus less on rhyming and more on getting your ideas onto the page. Sometimes, it felt a little bit like you were writing things just so they'd fit into your rhyme scheme, rather than because they pertained to the theme of your poem.
Keep up the great work! And thanks for being the first author I've reviewed!
- Summer
So this is actually my first work, and thank you for your review. I'm new here too, and also clueless. But anyway, I agree on the rhyming, and you're one of many to point this out. This is my first poem that attempted to rhyme, so that kind of didn't work. I agree on the elaboration part, I've actually thought about doing this, but my ideas aren't as clear and I've ended up scraping them.
This is Yams here for a really quick review!
This is all one stanza which kind of makes it harder on the eyes to read so I suggest you reformat it into several stanzas to make it easier on the eyes. The rhyming in the poem feels sort of forced and when you're writing poetry you don't have to rhyme, you know. I think the poem would've been better if you just left out some of the rhyming, because in some parts in rhymes, and in others it doesn't.
Have a great day!
Yeah, the rhyming is a little forced, I agree. I had it in stanzas, but then the publisher thing murdered them so, all well.
Yeah, haha, it does that. I understand.
Hello ForeverRun! CHRISSY321 here to review your poem!
I just simply adored this poem. I love the language used, the imagery, and just the overall message. I think that this was just such a great and beautiful poem! There are a few parts though that I wanted to address.
here I think you should have a comma after 'day'. It fully finishes and helps make the poem flow better
Rhyme Scheme
The overall rhyming was really good! Though you did rhyme, I felt like it was often force, and not always the same pattern. I think that it would have been better if you kept the same rhyming pattern so that it would have flowed better!
Putting the lines together to form sentences
Here you did alright, but there were often times where I thought you could end sentences earlier than you had, or later. Some of them almost felt like run on sentences, and it would sometimes break the flow of the poem. Though all the words and everything in your poem was great! It sometimes felt like it did not always flow well altogether. I think you could work on the formatting and you would be good a gold!
Overall the was just an amazing poem, and I really enjoyed reading. I hope to see more writing from you!
~Chrissy <3
Thanks for the input! This was a bit of a rushed write, and I kind of didn't put as much thought as I probably should've into the sentence thing. Also the text editor murdered my stanzas, and that could be why some of the sentences feel weird, as well as the rhyming issues.