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The South African Roller Coaster

by FlamingPhoenix


We are standing in front of the magnificent yellow Cobra.

People are pushing and shoving to get in line to go on.

We can hear people screaming with excitement.

I look around me.

I spot children getting candy floss.

I get in my seat.

We get a good glimpse of the city,

and I can see the circular yellow track up ahead of us.

The Cobra is moving to the top of the track.

I can feel butterflies in my stomach.

The Cobra makes it slowly up to the top and races down the track.

I scream my lungs out the whole time.

It is the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me.

As I get off the rollercoaster I am so dizzy I can barely stand.

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485 Reviews

Points: 21027
Reviews: 485

Sat Apr 30, 2016 7:28 am
Elijah wrote a review...

Hello there.
I think you had written a very good and interesting piece. I do not really have many complains but one of them is that you 'I' too much and it ruins it at least for me at one point. I like the fact that you let us see what is the background and what people are doing near this coaster. It lets me imagine the scenery you are talking about. I think it is not rushed at all. I lvoed the description of your own feelings while you are being on it. Lets me imagine myself being on your place.
Good job and I hope to see more of you.

thank you very much and I hope you have a grate day/night.

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802 Reviews

Points: 18884
Reviews: 802

Wed Dec 30, 2015 6:59 am
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Dracula wrote a review...

It's me again, and I'm so happy you've included another picture! You do that in all your poems, right? It's awesome! The poem was full of... not 'action'... but thrilling suspense. I could imagine myself in the roller coaster, and little details such as the candy floss added to my imagining of the scene. The ending was conclusive as well, and expected. Of course you'd be dizzy! :P

My only suggestion is with this line: People are pushing and shoving to get in line to go on.
You say 'to' twice, and this ruins the flow. Try to reword it so you only say it once. For example, I would get rid of 'to get', as it still makes sense without it. People are pushing and shoving in line to go on.

Thank you for another review Dracula and I hope team monkey wins.

Oh and thank you for the like.

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298 Reviews

Points: 15144
Reviews: 298

Sat Dec 19, 2015 1:26 pm
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HolographicLadybug wrote a review...

Greetings! I'm here for a short review!

~The Other Bits~
You're not direct enough when you are on the rollercoaster. I wasn't very sure where you were after the first few lines or that it had started moving. You could probably use more description for both, but that is my opinion. You can take it or leave it.

~The Better Bits~
Though I like how you described how nervous you were and a bit about the surroundings (children getting the candyfloss). I especially like the part where you screamed the whole time. It felt so real.

That's all from me! Have a great whatever-time-of-day-it-is.
~Holographic Ladybug
(Holographic Ladybug fades away)

Thank you for the review.

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Points: 1438
Reviews: 139

Mon Dec 14, 2015 8:46 pm
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deleted21 wrote a review...

Hello there,

I don't remember reviewing any of your stuff so better fix that! Good evening, by the way! (For me <.<)

First off, pretty uncommon title. Dragged me here to read and review. Well, interesting how you've written it. Like, you've tried covering the whole environment which is I must say, is applaudable.
A question! Is it not a poetry? It's been written (The format) that way. Like your previous reviewer said, you've used the same "I __" various times in your poetry which can be intentional but to me, it sounds little odd. So, yes, try complex structure.

I don't see any grammatical issues and I do appreciate the way you've put every little things here, gives readers a realistic feeling! Keep writing, then~


Thank you Nire.

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376 Reviews

Points: 194
Reviews: 376

Mon Dec 14, 2015 8:30 pm
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Snazzy wrote a review...

Hello jessiebear!
Snazzy, here for to review your piece! I know how I've already said this before, but I like how you include a picture in these writing exercises. Nice idea. ;) Now, time for the review!

I am

I can

I look

I spot

I get

You seem to use "I ___" a lot in your pieces. Try combining sentences, (not so much that they are run-ons), to make them a bit more "complex". Example: "Looking around me, I see children getting candy floss." Or even, "Getting/Climbing into my seat, I get a good glimpse of the city."

As I get off the rollercoaster I am so dizzy I can barely stand.

You should put a comma after roller-coaster, so the reader has time to pause for the sentence. (Also, a pause would fit right there, as I find myself doing it naturally.) ;)

Other than that, I couldn't find anything! Nice job, and keep writing!


Thank you Snazzy I will fixe it wen I get the chains.

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14 Reviews

Points: 1558
Reviews: 14

Mon Dec 14, 2015 10:21 am
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strwbrryyy says...

A very wide imagination of yours. It's magnificent, you know. The way you construct every sentences in line was perfect. This is a simple work of yours. Must be very proud to have a good start at your age.

Thank you a lot strwbrryyy.

And pleas give a like.

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14 Reviews

Points: 1558
Reviews: 14

Mon Dec 14, 2015 10:18 am
strwbrryyy says...

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain