"Lucky Me" Chapter 1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was my fourteenth day of playing the violin on the corner of 5th and Rood in New York City. My previous job at Burger Monster had been a disaster, literally. It wasn’t my fault that the burger making robot (or as we called it “the Burger Monster”) went out of control during my shift. At least that’s what I told the Manager, but that didn’t stop him from firing me on the spot. And now I was on the street playing the violin for money. Not that I don’t like playing it, but after a few hundred years of practicing the same instrument over and over well… it get’s a bit tiring.

A man walked up to me and dropped a few dollars into the violin case, then leaned against a tree to listen to me. But I barely noticed him or any of the other people that were watching me as I was in the middle of an extremely fast section of music. Out of the corner of my eye though, I saw the man draw out a cell phone from his pocket, dial a number, and talk excitedly into the phone. But while I had an interest in other people’s lives, I couldn’t try to listen to him; I had to finish my piece. Before I hardly knew it though, I was done. Everyone who was watching me clapped and quickly walked away, everyone that is except the man who was talking on his cell phone.

“Yes, no doubt about it”....”Thanks, bye!” then he hung up his phone and walked over to me. He was a short man of about 50 with a few gray hairs running through his dark hair.

“That’s a good violin you play there.” he said to me.

“Thank you.” I replied.

“How long have you been playing that instrument.” he continued.

“Quite a long time.” I said uncomfortably. Not that I didn’t know the exact amount of years, but I didn’t think that he would believe 235 years 7 months and 14 days if I told him.

“Well when I heard you play that violin so beautifully, I couldn’t help but call my friend who is putting on this talent show for ‘Extraordinary Kids of the 22nd Century’. Now, how would you like to be on my friends show?”

I would suggest you out in some detail and add some to your piece. The Burger Monster was pretty funny. Is the character a boy or a girl. Sorry, but for some reason I really want to know. The show is for kids that the Do MC would be playing for, so are they young? Do all people live this long of just the MC. How would the person not believe him? Well, just some questions I wanted to ask. I thought it was a pretty good piece, and it has some potential. Good luck with your writing and keep up the good work.

I like the concept. It's very interesting. Actually I love mythology. It could be a bit longer. Usually I try to set a page or word limit and that usually helps me. Still a great piece of work and an excellent idea. I also liked the Burger Monster part. Very funny.

Lots of punctuation mistakes. Need to go back and fix those - Teh Wozzinator already gave you some good tips.

As to your piece... it wasn't bad. Decent, in a word. My most favorite part was as, Soul of the Phantom said, the Burger Monster. I don't laugh when I'm reading, but you got me to crack a smile.

Anyway, good job. Interested to see more. Keep writing.

Firestar wrote:#1

It was my fourteenth day of playing the violin on the corner of 5th and Rood in New York City. My previous job at Burger Monster had been a disaster, literally. The "literally" is kind of annoying. It wasn’t my fault that the burger making robot (or as we called it “the Burger Monster”) went out of control during my shift. At least that’s what I told the Manager, but that didn’t stop him from firing me on the spot. And now I was on the street playing the violin for money. Not that I don’t like playing it, but after a few hundred years of practicing the same instrument over and over, well… it get[s]’[/s]s No apostrophe needed. a bit tiring.

A man walked up to me and dropped a few dollars into the violin case To make more dramatic, you could say "golden dollars" (or silver), or just "dollar coins". That way instead of paper floating down, you'd have coins clinking in. Or you could say "a few dollars worth of coins". If you don't do any of that, then I would just have him set them in there. , then he leaned against a tree to listen to me. But I barely noticed him or any of the other people that were watching me, as I was in the middle of an extremely fast section "Piece of music" would flow better right here. of music. Out of the corner of my eye, though, I saw the man draw out a cell phone from his pocket, dial a number, and talk excitedly into the phone. But while I had an interest in other people’s lives, I couldn’t try to listen to him; I had to finish my piece. We know why, I would just get rid of the last part of the sentence. Or you could say, "...interest in other people's lives, I couldn't listen without losing my attention on the music." Before I hardly knew it though, I was done. This last sentence was really rough... Everyone who was watching me clapped and quickly I would ditch the quickly. walked away, everyone, that is, except the man who was talking on his cell phone.

“Yes, no doubt about it”....”Thanks, bye!” End this sentence here, and for the next say "The man hung up his phone...". It would go much more smooth. then he hung up his phone and walked over to me. He was a short man of about 50 with a few gray hairs running through his dark hair. Your repetition of "hair" in this sentence isn't good... I think that "...with a few gray hairs running through his dark." would work fine.

“That’s a good violin you play there.This is a pretty common mistake, but you need a comma at the end of quotation marks.” he said to me. This sentence seems weird. Is he complimenting the violin? Or the playing? It's dialog, so it's your choice, but I think you should have him say, "That's some good violin playing."

“Thank you[s].[/s],” I replied.

“How long have you been playing that instrument[s].[/s]?” he [s]continued[/s]asked. (Don't forget question marks! [Or exclamation points...])

“Quite a long time[s].[/s],” I said uncomfortably. Not that I didn’t know the exact amount of years, but I didn’t think that he would believe 235 years, 7 months, and 14 days if I told him. Change this last part to "...but I didn't think that he would believe me if I told him '235 years, 7 months, and 14 days.'" You definitely need to add the commas in there, and it'll make it look better if you put apostrophes around what he says he would say.

“Well, when I heard you play that violin so beautifully, I couldn’t help but call my friend. [s]who is putting on this[/s] He is putting on a talent show for ‘Extraordinary Kids of the 22nd Century’. Now, Ditch the "now". how would you like to be on my friends show?”

I really liked this story, it had an essence of nature, and was flowing, i really enjoyed it, mail me if you have any more stories like this one...

A true masterpiece...

i really like this. I'm guessing since it says "chapter 1" its the beginning. I'm very picky on beginnings. For me, it has to be absolutly perfect or the whole story goes down in ashes.
I like how you really havent introduced characters in the more discreet way others do. By not giving there names yet and who they really are. Knowing the situation before other minor things i like about it too.
Also, how i can picture whats going on, what they look like, what they're wearing is all appealing to me.
How you let the main character know down to the date, when he started playing the volin says he's got nothing to loose but alot to give; at least in that moment but that could change during the rest of your story :]
everthing looks good to me.
good work!

It's pretty mysterious, in its own strange sense.

Of course, you could have left of on a cliff hanger, most people like it better that way.



Yours truly,
Memento Mori

This was really good, especially the part when you mentioned how long he's been playing the violen. I didn't find a grammer errors, hope I get to see more of this!

I agree with Phantom. It's intriguing, but it could use more. Maybe put in more exposition...other than that, your writing styles good. Nice work!

It was a pretty funny, mainly around about the Burger Monster subject. I don't know if you were going to be funny or not, I just found it to be funny.

The rest seems interesting, but this is pretty short for a chapter, and we really didnt get to understand the main character at all. And do all humans have long lifes in your universe, or just this character?

Looking forward to more, keep up the good work.