Young Writers Society

Hey! Forever here with a tiny review!

I suck at romantic stuffs but let's see if my review can be of any help.

I found some grammatical mistakes in the story. Those can be very easily fixed tho. So, this is school love. Though it's not mentioned, the "learning" thing made me think so. Wait, no. I am stupid. It can be college, university or somewhere else too.

I really like how the story turned from conditional love to unconditional love and then the story took another turn and I am not very sure what really happened there whether the person stopped loving that person or she loved him forever. I mean thid line "I wave goodbye with a somber smile and go on with my own life" can have these two interpretations.

Though the story wasn't what can be called very long, the story had a great deal of story in it. You managed to provide a lot of details in the story and none of those details was irrelevant. It had a lot of realization on the side of the narrator. She realized the truth of "unconditional love". Though you didn't mention it directly, it was quite evident to the readers from the fact that at first you dressed to please him and afterwards, you decided to leave him for his own happiness.

And now with the language of the story. Now it seemed to me that the language was a bit complex and full of a lot of literary devices. Now I wonder if it has something to do with the theme of love itself. See, love is complex. I wonder if you decided to write this story in a complex language to represent that.

Overall, it was quite good!

Keep Writing!

~Forever

Hi FireEyes,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was a different kind of love story. I liked it because of the structure and the way it was told, even if it was sometimes too much at once, but it was wonderful to see how the girl fell in love with the boy and how that developed.

Your first paragraph is bursting with metaphors and descriptions. It can be intimidating if you're not prepared for it, but you can also understand how the girl feels. You've portrayed it too well. Maybe this would be better as the beginning of a series or a play where you hear such thought processes from the girl, because in the text you jump from one sentence to the next and before you've made sense of what it means, you're onto the next simile.

Your story has a lot of short sentences, which also contribute to making it seem choppy and edgy. I understand what you're trying to create, but it makes it feel crammed together and awkward in a lot of places. The girl is in love, you get that, but she's almost losing it, the way she's bouncing back and forth there. I imagine her bouncing around all the time and not being able to rest unless you strap her in.

Young love is a beautiful thing, and you make that clear here. Sometimes it seems more like a longing and sometimes it seems more like a desire. It is the feeling of no longer being able to live without the other. To break up the short sentences a little more, I would recommend going through the story again and picking out places that you could expand on with longer sentences.

For example, you have a point where the girl does her hair, colours her nails, etc... you could expand a little bit there, like what colour she uses, what she wears, whether someone knocks on the bathroom door because she's been in there so long. You already manage to give a good perspective on how she experiences everything and it saddens and relieves me to see her come to a realisation at the end. That would help, for example, to remove that jumpiness from the text.

Other points that struck me:

He was so perfect. His stance was meek, his hair an ivory black, his eyes the colour of honey, and perfect lips.

He blew my "type" out of the water.

He just waltzed into my life when I've been listening to music in 4/4.

One day I mustered up enough courage so give a shy, "Hi," and in response he gave an almost inaudible, "Hello," back.

His voice became my favourite song.

But when the formal setting simmers out and I leave, tears silently leave my eyes.

I would notice little by little that each time I tried to spark conversation he became quiet, stiff, and avoidant. I thought I loved that about him.

If I truly loved him like I thought, I would prioritize his happiness over my own. It's not healthy that I'm worshipping him like a God.

Hello, FireEyes, Pineapple here for a little review!

First off....wow, this was beautiful. It was a story of falling for someone who couldn't seem to reciprocate the same feelings. It was about growth, as well, especially at the end. I think this is a great story and I applaud you for writing it from what must have been a sad personal experience.

I loved how in the beginning, this boy seemed like the best person in the world. He seemed perfect and unbelievably attractive. Then, at the end, you realized that...well, he's just a boy. I really enjoyed the line, "His eyes weren't the same honey color, they're just brown" because that illustrated how you were slowly getting over him.

Overall, great job. You are an amazing writer. I can't wait to see more of your work!

Signed,
Pineapple

Hey FireEyes!

My name is Elinor, and I wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us and for being vulnerable. Falling in love is really something, isn't it? And the fact that, for you, it was unrequited, doesn't make it any less real. I also think that this is a really mature mindset for you to have, and I'm glad you were able to come to it on your own.

I think this is a great story for what it is. I had noticed in the description for this you had mentioned it was inspired by something in your past. As you have it in narrative, I wasn't entirely clear whether this a factual essay or you wanted to fictionalize it to a degree. Either way, I understand clearly what happened and the arc that the narrator/you went through. What I wanted to see is more. Take us back to that moment in time when you and he first met. How did it physically feel to be falling in love for the first time? What was that like? How did it shift overtime when it became clear it was unrequited?

Paint us a picture. I look forward to see what you do with it, and what you write in the future. Let me know if you have any questions!

Thank you!

He blew my "type" of the water - THIS PART ... so good .


Every details ,I got hooked like a gold earring .


Good Job !