Hi Fantasywriter!
This is a great first chapter because it gets right to the action and sets up what I presume is going to be one of the big conflicts of the novel, the struggle over the throne between Sage and Siris/Tyrrel. There's a lot of exciting events going on, making it clear that this book is going to be a page turner and keep the reader on their toes. I love how you set up the character of Siris as this really dependable, trustworthy guy in the first scene, where the prince makes it clear that he has complete faith in him, and then immediately subverting the reader's expectation by revealing that he's a spy and not even his name is true. You definitely live up to the name of fantasy writer!
One issue that I had with this story is that there was a very little description. You do a good job of describing the characters, such as the prince's green hair and Siris with his long beard the color of shadows, but I don't really see the setting around him that much. For example, in the first scene you just describe it as a "training ground", but I can't tell if it's in doors or outdoors, if it's the prince's personal training grounds or if there's a bunch of other people there, how big it is, or what it looks like at all. A couple details would help me picture it better, and they could also be used to give more details about the kingdom itself and how Sage relates to his troops.
I can tell even from this first chapter that you've put a lot of time and energy into world building here, which is something that's really important for a fantasy novel like this. I love this history between Sage's people and the Aldritchians that you're already hinting at, with the guardsman very clearly being very against all Aldritchians on sight. I hope in future chapters you continue to expand on the politics between the two races/kingdoms, and the other lands in this world, because I think it's really interesting and I want to learn more about the Aldritchians.
Something that confused me was Sage's green hair. Is it common here for people to have odd colored hair like that? Is it natural or dyed? Does it symbolize something? Do people ever comment on it?
Wonderful start! Let me know if you post another chapter of this, because I'd love to read it!
Points: 1147
Reviews: 374
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