z

Young Writers Society


Language Violence

The Emerald Prince - Chapter 1: Shallow Promises

by FantasyWriter76


                    Chapter 1: Shallow promises

"Your Highness, I must say, you are getting much better at the lance," General Siris said to Prince Sage.

"Thank you, General Siris," Sage responded, "But I never would have been able to improve without your guidance. I feel my lance, Seraphim, and I are only bonded because of you"

Sir Siris was a tall, bearded man with hair the color of the shadows. He was appointed by now dead King Leonard, Sage's father, to train the prince in the art of war when Sage was 10. Sage was the 19-year-old Prince to the Yveltian Empire. He had emerald green, soft side-parted hair, and he was soon to be King and rule his land.

"M'lord, tomorrow, you will be crowned King. Are you not anxious?" Siris questioned Sage.

"Not at all, I've been ready to lead for ages," Sage responded, leaving the training ground with his lance.

"That is quite bold, your Highness."

"Well, I will be in need of a Royal Guard captain, Siris, and I entrust you to the position," Sage told Siris.

"Why, I am honored. Thank you, Prince Sage."

"General... Captain, I know that I can promise you to protect the kingdom. Don't prove me wrong."

"I won't let you down... King Sage."

                                     ***

A guard was roaming around Yveltia Castle on duty when he overheard a conversation in the supply room. He heard the voice of Siris chatting with an old sounding man...

"So, Tyrrel, have you gained the boy's trust?" The Old Man asked.

"Yes, Gerriko. In time, our invasion can commence. I've moved all guards to inside city limits. The siege will be flawless," said Siris.

The guard peeked in to see what was happening, but that was the biggest mistake he had ever made in his life. The guard was suddenly grabbed by a claw made of pure darkness coming from the old man and was pulled to the end of the room where Siris and Gerriko were.

"What do we have here?" Siris said.

"One of yours, I presume?" said Gerriko. The guard saw Gerriko up close and was frightened. He was a pale blue with white eyes.

"T-T-That's an Aldritchian, General! Kill him, he's our enemy!" The guard yelled.

"You dare speak of Faithful Gerriko like that?" Siris yelled. He took out his sword and plunged it right into the guard's chest and he was dropped by Gerriko. The guard stopped moving altogether. Siris had killed him.

"Good job, Tyrrel. The Aldritchian forces will come on the day of the crowning ceremony, that's when you make your move." Gerriko told Siris.

Siris was a spy. An Aldritchian spy.

                                     ***

It was the day of Sage's coronation. The entire kingdom was gathered in the town square, watching Prince Sage as he was guarded by Siris, they were atop the castle's balcony. The castle was magnificent and surrounded by a moat leading into the ocean. The Pope had approached the Prince.

"Today, we gather to observe the coronation of Prince Sage, our future King," said the Pope. The Pope was given the crown, but before he could bestow it on Sage's head, there was an explosion.

It had blasted the whole front wall of the kingdom and reduced it to rubble.

Sage called out, "We're being attacked! We need guards over there!"

That would not happen, Siris had arranged the guards to stay inside the castle.

Aldritchian forces started marching through the destruction. Faithful Gerriko led the attack. Their forces were armed with all kinds of destructive weapons. Gerriko ordered the Aldritchians to fire the cannons. Two cannonballs flew through the air and crashed into some buildings.

"Yveltians, your demise is inevitable," Gerriko said.

"Siris, you can't just let thi-" Before Sage could finish, he was stabbed through the chest. The weapon in him was familiar. He looked up from the blade and saw Siris, blood-covered. Looks like he had killed the Pope, too, as he was lying there in a puddle of blood.

Siris receded his weapon. "Your time was never to come about, your kingdom belongs to the Aldritchians."

"Siris, how... could you?" Sage asked, losing consciousness from the blood loss.

"I was never your general, and that's Tyrrel to you."

Sage fell back. He had realized he had his spear with him, so he grabbed it and ran towards Tyrrel. The effort was wasted, as Tyrrel just grabbed him and held him over the moat.

As more destruction and carnage ran rampant through the streets, all Sage could hear was Tyrrel's last words to him.

"Long live... the King."

Tyrrel dropped Sage into the moat.

                              The End...

                                     ...  

                                     ?

To be continued...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
374 Reviews


Points: 1147
Reviews: 374

Donate
Fri Dec 28, 2018 2:40 am
View Likes
tgirly wrote a review...



Hi Fantasywriter!

This is a great first chapter because it gets right to the action and sets up what I presume is going to be one of the big conflicts of the novel, the struggle over the throne between Sage and Siris/Tyrrel. There's a lot of exciting events going on, making it clear that this book is going to be a page turner and keep the reader on their toes. I love how you set up the character of Siris as this really dependable, trustworthy guy in the first scene, where the prince makes it clear that he has complete faith in him, and then immediately subverting the reader's expectation by revealing that he's a spy and not even his name is true. You definitely live up to the name of fantasy writer!

One issue that I had with this story is that there was a very little description. You do a good job of describing the characters, such as the prince's green hair and Siris with his long beard the color of shadows, but I don't really see the setting around him that much. For example, in the first scene you just describe it as a "training ground", but I can't tell if it's in doors or outdoors, if it's the prince's personal training grounds or if there's a bunch of other people there, how big it is, or what it looks like at all. A couple details would help me picture it better, and they could also be used to give more details about the kingdom itself and how Sage relates to his troops.

I can tell even from this first chapter that you've put a lot of time and energy into world building here, which is something that's really important for a fantasy novel like this. I love this history between Sage's people and the Aldritchians that you're already hinting at, with the guardsman very clearly being very against all Aldritchians on sight. I hope in future chapters you continue to expand on the politics between the two races/kingdoms, and the other lands in this world, because I think it's really interesting and I want to learn more about the Aldritchians.

Something that confused me was Sage's green hair. Is it common here for people to have odd colored hair like that? Is it natural or dyed? Does it symbolize something? Do people ever comment on it?

Wonderful start! Let me know if you post another chapter of this, because I'd love to read it!






Thanks for reviewing! On the green hair debacle, people can have unnatural hair colors, as exposure to magic can have that side effect.



tgirly says...


Oh, that's good to know, thanks for clarifying. Make sure to let the reader know that in the context of the syory, because that's a great important detail, otherwise I didn't know the prince did magic.



User avatar
162 Reviews


Points: 1865
Reviews: 162

Donate
Fri Nov 16, 2018 4:24 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!

I am really, really looking forward to more! This is a really engaging chapter! So I'm afraid that I don't have much critiquing to offer, as I didn't see anything wrong here. The one thing I have to say is that maybe in the future you go a little more in-depth with Sage's character. If he has survived, or you continue this story with another character, I just want a little more glimpse into their feelings.

That's all. Keep up the amazing work!





Look closely. The beautiful may be small.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher