Elsie Hudson had just arrived at her new school, both happy and angry at the same time. She had been expelled at her old school for being a number one rule breaker. When her parents told her that she would be sent away to a boarding school, she was really pissed but when she learned that the school was Clarissa Girls' Academy, she went wild with excitement but she acted nonchalant about it.
Clarissa Girls' Academy was the paradise of every girl's dream, including Elsie. Ask any girl in Crestwood Town of her wish and all you will hear is Clarissa Girls' Academy. It was popular throughout the beautiful city of Crestwood Town and every teen girl wanted to go to the famous Clarissa Girls' Academy. Elsie would wish every night to go there but she had no idea that she would not only go to the almighty Clarissa Girls' Academy but also discover the real paradise all the girls dreamed of visiting.
She went away from her home to the popular but unknown place. Her parents kindly escorted her to the principal to get her name signed and ,afterwards, left her to the new chapter of her life.
When she realized her parents were gone, she went crazy and could not stop complaining to herself how unfair it was to leave her alone on her very fist day.
"You should not be angry because your parent merely followed rules and left as soon as you were accepted as a student." Elsie heard a voice say behind her. She turned around to find a blonde girl looking straight at her. "Excuse me?" Elsie said, anger boiling in her veins and hatred rising in her voice. It's not what the girl said that made her angry but the way the girl looked calm as if she had said the sweetest thing in the world. "Easy there, I was only trying to help but not awaken some kind of demon in you." the girl said raising her hands in something that seemed like surrender.
"Look here Blondie, I will not stand here and have you say anything to me, which, in fact, you are doing." Elsie said, this time controlling the anger in her voice. "I am very sorry to offend you. And I am Iris, Iris Stanford, by the way." the girl said with a glint of joy in her eyes. "Elsie Hudson." Elsie coldly replied. "The rule was not so easy because I do not know anyone and they sent my parents off all in the name of 'rules'." Iris said looking so stressful. "Please would you do me a favour of stop mentioning rules?" Elsie said, looking dead serious. "Do you also have problems with rules?" Iris, looking interested in something Elsie could not tell, asked. "What do you mean by 'also'?" Elsie asked Iris with a cold expression in her eyes.
"I never liked following rules and regulations. They were a lot to me so my parents decided to let me quit that school and come to a boarding school." Iris said, looking somewhat pleased. "Oh, sorry to hear that you had to leave your school and were not expelled." Elsie said, looking as if she hated her own words. "Were you expelled?" Iris asked. "Yes." Elsie replied. "Ok then, you know what, we will talk later because we all got things to do. Unpacking our things to be specific." Iris said walking slowly backwards. "Ok, nice meeting you." Elsie said politely. When Iris left her, Elsie turned around to face the circumstances and a new chapter of her school.
When Elsie was directed to her dormitory, she found out her roommate was none other to be the blonde Iris. "So we meet again? See what fate has brought us to? Who knows we might be related because this is no coincidence." Iris said, beaming. Elsie only rolled her eyes ad walked straight to her bed as if Iris was invincible. "Hello?" Iris said as she moved to stand in front of Elsie. "We were all given roommates to keep us company not roommates that would make us think we are better off without them." Iris said when Elsie showed no signs to reply her. "I know that but would you please give me a break?" Elsie said after what seemed like eternity to Iris. "Ok, miss. I am sorry for bothering you." Iris said with a face that said 'I am such a troublemaker.' Nothing to be sorry about, I am just tired a bit."
Just then, they heard something scratching on the door. And before they knew what was going on, two girls burst into the room, holding bags and boxes. "Hope this is Room 142?" the first girl said looking around the room. "No, this is room 140." "Oh ok. we are sorry for just butting in." the second girl replied. But before Elsie could say a word, the girls were gone and the room became as quiet as before.
Later that evening, all the new students were called to meet the principal of the school. A beautiful, slim teacher, briefed them on some rules and regulations before the principal came. Elsie expected to see a plump woman with a bad temper and short grey hair, but what came out to see them as their principal left her speechless. She looked like a lady in her late forties though they were told that she was almost sixty. She had smooth skin and no wrinkles at all. Her voice was soft and welcoming and Elsie could not stop thinking of her mother's little sister anytime she saw the principal. Her name was Miss Kristine Ravenna.
After the meeting, Iris and Elsie settled into their room, Elsie still unpacking billions of clothes from her million bags and Iris reading a book on her bed. "Um, Iris?" Elsie began, "I am sorry for the way I was acting when I came here, I was so angry with my parents and took it out on you." Iris looked at Elsie and smiled sweetly. "I was feeling awkward about just rubbing salt into your wounds so I was trying to make up but you were busy, nothing to be sorry about." Iris said the smile still on her face. Elsie was moving around, arranging things when she saw a rug lying crumpled on a corner of the room. She pointed it out to Iris and together they walked to the area. They lifted it to find a closed door. they opened it and what they saw was something that would change their lives at Clarissa Girls' Academy.
What do you think they saw? Leave your answers in the comment section or watch out for part two of this story.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Good morning Fannie, happy 12 Days of Reviewing 2025 😊
Will do your first chapter first obv =D
Hmmm the way you use the words “Clarissa Girls’ Academy” it kinda feels like Search Engine optimization XD
You also might want to check to make sure all the punctuation is in order. Like here: “ and ,afterwards,“
I must admit I have trouble sympathizing with the main character. “could not stop complaining to herself how unfair it was to leave her alone on her very fist day.” Isnt… that the point of boarding school? That you are by yourself eventually? (Also careful, a tiny typo. It should be “first” ^^)
Ah and one more writing tip: paragraphing. It really is much easier to read when each paragraph has exactly one speaker. So this paragraph of yours would f.e. transform into this:
So just bold things are optional changes that I thought would improve the flow—can be discarded bc I know this was presumptuous of me. But the red bold changes? Those are genuine grammar corrections 😊
“to say” or “to ask” are speech tags and they usually cannot exist on their own. A sentence like “Elsie said” doesn’t work, it’s just.. incomplete. That’s why Elsie’s speech is there to complete the sentence. And this is the reason why we combine them with a comma and not a period 😊
Aww I really like Elsie apologizing to Iris. I think Elsie is an interesting MC for her anger and her rules-breaking streak. Sounds like this could be fun :3
Hmmm I find it very peculiar that they just find this rug in their room and that it wasn’t found out by any of the staff members. So either it is a magic trap door that only appears for students or the staff knows about it and it cant be anything tooooo dangerous.
CONGRATS FANNIE!!!! YOU GOT ON THE LITERARY SPOTLIGHT!
Hi, Fannie! It's CATS here to review this promising story you wrote! Congrats!! Ok, let's start now.
Okay, in this part, the reader gets introduced to the main character, Elsie. Nice to meet you! I like how you described her personality, I assume she is nonchalant, a troublemaker, and maybe sarcastic too? We will find out more. I suggest maybe adding a physical description to Elsie as well, so the reader can picture it and get more into the story. This part was really well done, Fannie!
Now we know why she is DYING to go there! Maybe it will change her troublesome ways...
I would be complaining too. Be careful about your grammar; I think a 'the' would work well in 'her home to popular but unknown place' maybe change it to 'her home to the popular but unknown place'. Great job so far, I'm loving it
Wow. The girl certainly has her anger controlled, calm and cold. That's how you know that person's anger is intimidating. Maybe she can help Elsie! I have nothing bad to say; this part is amazing!
Oooo, I like how Iris inspired Elsie to control her anger! 'favour' is suppose to be 'favor', just a heads up. They don't really get along...yet...but this is how friends start! Iris seems eager to please while Elsie seems cold and bitter. But maybe if they started hanging out together...just maybe...
YESSS! Turns out Iris hates rules as well! They're going to become besties.
I hope they meet again soon!
Such a coincidence! Iris clearly wants to bond with Elsie, but she seems reluctant. Wonder what would happen.
Wow! I wonder if the girls would play a role later on. I like how you included an interruption, very creative! It makes it more realistic.
I feel like the principal would be very nice to them, but firm. A good principal is like that. Great details here!!!
I like how Elsie changed her behavior towards Iris. Maybe it was the book, maybe it was regret. You could be clearer about that part, but just a minor detail. I like your details also lol. Why did they approach the rug? Were they curious? I just want to know hehe. ARGHHHH you ended on a cliffhanger!!! I honestly love cliffhangers, but I literally can't wait for more. Always, a good story ends with a cliffhanger.
I have no idea!!! Maybe...something bad? A secret that the principal is hiding? Who knows? The SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.
OVERALL: I think for a summary, the whole story is stunning for a first, and I love how you included a question at the end. You are a great storywriter, Fannie, and I can't wait for part two or another one of your works! My favorite part is the part where Elsie apologizes to Iris, it was really nice and sweet of her. Keep writing and reading!
Happy Review Month and Happy Writing!
Love,
CATS
Howdy, Fannie! Congratulations on publishing your first work on YWS!
You've done a great job here with establishing the lofty esteem of the academy. What I'm curious about is how Elsie got in, especially considering she was kicked out of the normal school for bad behavior. Doesn't seem like she should be rewarded with a tuition to her dream school!
I would slow down a bit here. It reads more like a summary of what happened, when what we really need is the story itself! Help the reader step inside Elsie's shoes by exploring the details of these scenes. What time of day is it? What does the entrance of the school look like? Do her parents seem relieved to be getting rid of her, or a little emotional about saying goodbye? Where is Elsie standing when she realizes her parents are leaving her - in her dorm, in the principal's office, or somewhere else?
Every time a different character speaks, you'll want to change it to a new paragraph. For the above, it should look like this:
"Look here Blondie, I will not stand here and have you say anything to me, which, in fact, you are doing," Elsie said, this time controlling the anger in her voice.
"I am very sorry to offend you," the girl said, with a glint of joy in her eyes. "And I am Iris, Iris Stanford, by the way."
"Elsie Hudson," Elsie coldly replied.
Makes dialogue muuuch easier to follow!
Oooh interesting, so this is another student where she left her old school because she had a rebellious spirit. I wonder if this academy has a reputation for disciplining troublemakers.
I enjoyed this little detail! It's nice to witness some interactions with the other students, however brief they may be.
I thought Elsie already met the principal the day before when she and her parents first arrived and they needed to sign papers. If they didn't end up meeting the principal herself then, I would mention her absence in that earlier scene. Maybe Elsie found it vaguely mysterious that there was no principal in the principal's office.
How intriguing! I do know that earlier in the story a "paradise" is mentioned; plus, it's in the title! Maybe it has something to do with the tropical beach photos you've shared on your wall?
One thing that surprised me is that all the students at the academy seem to be new, not just Elsie. Since it was clear that she had been expelled from her old school, I was expecting it to be smack dab in the middle of the school year, when the academy had already started classes, and Elsie was slipping in belatedly.
I enjoyed the tension between Elsie and Ivy. Neither of them are the kind of person to dance around the truth and pretend to be nice. They cut right to the chase and tell it like it is. With those kinds of personalities, it seems like they're already forming a special bond.
Great job on this, Fannie! I'm looking forward to the next part!